Primula's Sung to the Tune of...2

Gandalf's Never Fed

(to the tune of John Denver's "Grandma's Feather Bed")

When we had hobbit meals, o boy,
Just piles of food on the floor!
We used to invite Gandalf of course,
Every week-end or so.
We'd chicken pie and country ham
'N homemade butter on the bread,
But we ate everything but Gandalf's horse,
So Gandalf's never fed.

We were three feet high and three feet wide
Fat as some jelly rolls,
As we ate from the cupboards our forty-'leventh piece
And slurped all the soup in the bowls.
We'd eat eight loaves 'n' four hot dogs
And a piggy we stole from the shed.
We liked to talk and we ate a lot of food,
But Gandalf's never fed.

After the supper we'd sit around the fire,
Taking time to nibble and chew.
Gandalf'd talk about the farm and the war,
And Sam'd sing us a ballad or two.
We'd eat more helpings and feed the fire,
Till the cupboards' food was fled;
Next thing we'd know we'd wake up in the morning
All a-ready for a breakfast in bed.

He was six feet high and one foot wide,
Thin as a twiggy stick.
He was kept from his dinner for forty-'leven days,
We didn't even leave him a lick.
He'd beg and whine 'n' wait for hours,
Even tried to hide food in his bed.
He wasn't quick enough, and he didn't get a bun,
So Gandalf's never fed.

Well we love our eggs, we love our meat,
Love mushrooms and muffins too,
Eat fish 'n' buttered biscuits, salad with some croutons,
We even ate Ragu;
But, ol' Gandalf has his hat and staff,
We guess it ought to be said,
That he'd trade them both plus his horse for some food,
'Cause Gandalf's never fed.

He was six feet high and one foot wide
Thin as a danglin' string,
He a-tried for the platters some forty-'leven times,
But his grabs still didn't get a thing.
He'd tried eight forks 'n' four big plates,
And a rake he found in the shed;
He didn't get much food but he found a lot of crumbs -
Poor Gandalf's never fed.

He's Always a Wizard to Me

(To the tune of "She's Always A Woman To Me" by Billy Joel)

He could kill with a smile, he can wink with his eyes.
And he can ruin your plans with his sudden goodbyes.
And he only reveals what he wants you to see.
He has a long beard, and he's always a wizard to me.

He can lead you to home, he can take you all over.
You can tell him the truth, but he'll always know more.
And he'll use situations; he'll talk with the trees.
Yeah, he carries a staff, and he's always a wizard to me.

Oooh, he takes care of us all.
He can wait if he wants, he's not aged by this time.
Oooooh, and he never gives out, and he never gives in,
He just changes his mind.

And he'll promise to help if you'll follow his leading
And he'll sharply rebuke you, but help if you're bleeding.
But he'll bring out the best and the worst you can be.
Pointy hat on his head, he is always a wizard to me.

Hmmmmmm Mmmmmm Hmmmmm Mmmmmm

Oooh, he takes care of us all.
He can wait if he wants, he's not aged by this time.
Oooooh, and he never gives out, and he never gives in,
He just changes his mind.

He is frequently kind, though he sets all the rules.
But he can do as he pleases, he's nobody's fool.
And he can't be removed til he leaves by the sea.
Then the most he will do is blow smoke-rings at you,
Yes he's always a wizard to me.

Hmmmmmm Mmmmmm Hmmmmm Mmmmmm

Rivendell Bilbollies
(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

Come 'n listen to my story 'bout hobbit Bilbo
A fine dwarves Burglar, Lucky Number, don't you know
But lost one day, he was wishin' for some food
And across the ground come a bubblin' dude,
Gollum, that is, slime ball, nasty noser.

Well, the next thing Bilbo, he ain't aged with that Ring,
Gandalf said Frodo ought to have the thing,
Said, Hobbiton is a place you shouldn't miss,
So he loaded up his pack and he moved to Imladris.
Elves, that is, waterfalls, shiny stars.

Well, now it's time to say goodbye to Bilbo and his friends,
They would like to thank you folks for kindly droppin' in
You're all invited back again to this locality
To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality.
Rivendell, that is, set a spell, take your shoes off.

Y'all come back now, hear?

Come listen to the story of the poet of the board
She wrote another poem 'bout a hobbit and a sword
How Gollum came a calling for to riddle and to trick
Bilbo so he could gobble him and swallow him up quick.
Primula, that is, starry poems, shiny tomes.

Once two jolly hobbits camped along Parthgalen,
Under the shade of a stone Seat-of-See,
And they sang as they watched and waited for their Frodo-choice,
"Who'll come a-waltzing Midd'l-Earth with me?"

chorus:
Waltzing Midd'l-Earth,
Waltzing Midd'l-Earth
Who'll come a waltzing Midd'l-Earth with me?
As we read from the books we cannot help but cry aloud:
"Who'll come a waltzing Midd'l Earth with me?"

Fast came an arrow and down fell their friend beside,
Up jumped an Uruk and grabbed them in glee,
And he growled as he stowed them away in his tucker bag,
"You'll come a-waltzing Midd'l-Earth with me."

(chorus)

Up rode the Riders a riding their thoroughbreds,
Up strode the Hunters - one, two, three,
"What's that Uruk gotten in his tucker bag?",
"No more a-waltzing Midd'l-Earth, he'll see."

(chorus)

Quick were the Riders to strike down the Uruk-Hai,
Fast grabbed a Grishnakh, squashed hobbits not free,
And he grunted and stowed them underneath his hairy arms,
"You'll come a-waltzing Midd'l-Earth with me."

(chorus)

But the hobbits they up and jumped past the firelight,
Losing themselves in the Old Fangorn trees,
But their crumbs could be seen and they sang out a narrative:
"They've gone a-waltzing Midd'l-Earth you see."

We Ride an Old Bill
(to the tune of "I Ride an Old Paint")

We ride an old Bill, we lead an old Bill,
We're goin' to Moria, hopin' the quest to fill.
We feed on the sausage and biscuits he packs.
We're glad we don't have to carry food on our backs.

Chorus:
Yippee-ki-yi-yo! Pack along all the Passes,
Walk through them patient, don't falter or slow.
Yippee-ki-yi-yay! Ol' Bill is a trooper
For he's fiery and snuffy and rarin' to go.

Old Bill Ferny had a pony and a spy,
One went to fame, and the other went awry.
Bill's nose, it got smacked with a fresh apple-core,
So he's not a-sneerin' by that hedge no more.

(chorus)

When we're back, after watchin' Darkness fall,
We'll hug our old pony, lead him out of his stall,
Tie a sword to his saddle, turn our faces to the West,
And he'll carry Samwise who loves him the best.

(chorus)

We ride an old Bill, we lead an old Bill,
We're goin' to Moria, hopin' the quest to fill.
We feed on the sausage and biscuits he packs,
We're glad we don't have to carry food on our backs.

(chorus)

How Much is that Pony in the Stable?
(to the tune of "How Much is that Doggie in the Window?")

How much is that pony in the stable?
The one with the straggly tail.
How much is that pony in the stable?
We do hope that pony's for sale.

We must take a trip to Imladris,
And can't carry baggage alone.
If we have a horse, we won't be weighed down,
And the pony will have a good home.

How much is that pony in the stable?
The one with the ribs sticking out.
How much is that pony in the stable?
We do hope one day he'll be stout.

Our ponies are all out a-wandering,
The town, it has none to be spared,
We need a good steed to fulfill our need
And luggage that needs to be shared.

How much is that pony in the stable?
The one with the long, mournful face.
How much is that pony in the stable?
We hope he can keep up the pace!

How much is that pony in the stable?
The one with the straggly tail.
How much is that pony in the stable?
We do hope that pony's for sale.

Ol' Bill
(to the tune of Ol' Blue)

I had an ol' pony and his name was Bill,
Bought from Bill Ferny, he'd a got his fill.
Every day he's on that road,
Bill goes out, he carries his load.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.

Bill saw the Nazgul, but was brave y'see,
Kicked at the Nazgul and didn't flee.
Saw that Frodo's lookin' pretty dim,
Bill stepped soft as he carried him
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.

Bill carried Frodo, mighty sick,
Looked for Glorfindel to come right quick.
Glorfindel come and he come in a run,
And he said old Bill your job is done.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.

When Bill left, he left all a-fright,
It shook my heart, but he'll be all right -
He knows his way like no one else can,
He'll gallop his way back the length of lands.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.

There's just one thing that troubles my mind,
Bill went to Breeland and left me behind.
If I get back, that is, if I'm not killed,
I'll get some ale, and look for Bill.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.
Here old Bill, you're a good horse still.

Go Bill Go
(to the tune of the Speed Racer theme song)

Here he comes, here's Bill the Pony
He's the steed of the fields,
He's a Bree steed and he's gonna be followin' after someone -
He's gaining on you so you better look behind,
He's busy trotting with the Fellowship of Nine.

And when the odds are against him and there's daaangerous work to do,
You bet your life Bill Pony's gonna see it through.

Go Bill Pony
Go Bill Pony
Go Bill Pony go!

He's always eating as he walks along the track,
He's chowing down the grass like it's never coming back
Adventure's waiting just aheeeeeeeeaaaaad

Go Bill Pony
Go Bill Pony
Go Bill Pony Go!

Look at what's happened to me-,
I can't believe it myself.
Suddenly I'm here under a Troll,
It should've been somebody else.

Believe it or not,
I'm under a Troll.
I never thought I could reach its knee -
Stabbing away I made quite a hole.
How could it be?
Grunting it fell onto me!

It's a nightmare for a bad day-,
It squashed me out of the blue.
Taking me out of the fight I was in,
Mashing all of my innards like stew -.

Believe it or not,
I'm under a Troll.
I never thought I could reach its knee -.
Stabbing away I made quite a hole!
How could it be?
Believe it or not it squashed me.
How could it be?
Believe it or not it squashed me.

Treebeard Ent is my name and I shepherd the Fangorn trees
‘til that old orc-breeder came and disturbed my woodish zzz’s.
In the spring of the Great Year we were tree-ish, just barely aware,
A Took who’d come from Uruks that fell,
He said this tower we’d dismember oh so well.

The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the water was comin’
The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the Ents were hoomin’
They went hoom, hum a hum hoom hoom
Hoom hoom ba-room a hum a hoom a hoom.

Back with my trees in the forest deep
These halflings, they said to me,
“Treebeard, be hasty!
He’s chopped down another tree.”
Now I don’t like that chopping wood,
And I do think that wizard’s heart is no good.
Once he took deadwood, and would leave the rest -
But he should never have chopped down the very best.

The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the water was comin’
The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the Ents were hoomin’
They went hoom, hum a hum hoom hoom
Hoom hoom ba-room a hum a hoom a hoom.

With a rock wall before me, I can really start
And with his machines before me, I’ll rip them apart.
Oh, he was dressed in white, up in his tower
But we showed him who’s really in power
I swear by the roots beneath my feet
He won’t raise back up again, he’s in defeat.

The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the water was comin’
The night we broke old Orthanc down
And all the Ents were hoomin’
They went hoom, hum a hum hoom hoom
Hoom hoom ba-room a hum a hoom a hoom.

Well the South side of Tuckborough
Is the greatest place to cook,
But if you go down there
You better just beware
Of a hobbit named Pippin Took.
Now Pippin’s more than trouble
You see he stand 'bout three foot six
All the hobbit ladies call him "Mealtime Lover"
All the men just call him "Pip."

And he's small, small Pippin Took,
The smallest one in the whole red Book
Small enough to sneak a bite,
And hungry as a starving pike.

Now Pippin he a moocher
And he eats wherever he goes,
And he like to wave his well-filled plate
In front of everybody's nose.
He got a custom set of flatware,
He got an  apple for a snack,
He got bubble-gum in his pocket for fun
He got some biscuits in his pack.

And he's small, small Pippin Took
The smallest one in the whole Red Book
Small enough to cut in line,
And always hungry all the time.

At the Inn ‘bout a week ago
Pippin eatin' nice,
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a mug all foaming,
And ooh that ale looked nice.
Well he stuck his straw into it
And the trouble soon began,
And Pippin Took learned a lesson
'Bout messin' with the ale of a thirsty Man.

But he's small, small Pippin Took
The smallest one in the whole Red Book.
Small enough to beg for more,
Eatin’ crumbs right off the floor.

Well the Man that Took tried grabbin'
But when he looked up from the floor
That Man looked so downright puzzled,
’Cause all of his ale was gone.

’Cause he's small, small Pippin Took
The smallest one in the whole Red Book
Smaller than any Man,
But quick to grab whate’er he can.

In thirty-hundred and nine-teen
On March the twenty-fifth day
We hoisted ourselves to the top of the mount
And to Mount Doom crawled along, brave boys
And to Mount Doom crawled along

The Sneaker in the rubblepile stood
With a passion in his mind
"There's a Ring, there's a Ring!"
At my Master did he leap
Struck blows with both his hands, brave boys
Struck blows and cried out "Mine!"

My Master stood on the dusty path
The fire was in his eye
"Overall, overall! You will surely fall
If you again touch me, brave boys
If you again touch me."

The groveling of that old whiney Sneak
It grieved the Master sore
But the whining of that Sneak to me
Now it grieved me ten times more, brave boys
Now it grieved me ten times more

But Gamgee is a name of life
We're a family ever green
Where there's only dirt, we can always make it grow
Even when no hope is seen, brave boys
Even when no hope is seen

So I looked at him and his withered face
With a burst of loathing did I spurn.
I went up the path and I left him behind
But the Sneak he soon returned , brave boys
The Sneak he soon returned.

He hit me hard and jumped over me
But he soon had just rewards.
For he fell down the Crack and ne'er was seen again
So I never killed that Sneak, brave boys
No I never killed that Sneak..

For Gamgee is a name of life
We're a family ever green
Where there's only dirt, we can always make it grow
Where there's life there's hope indeed, brave boys
Where there's life there's hope indeed.

Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go.

Oh, guarding trees in Lothlorien
Elves the only ones,
Until one night they caught a dwarf
And now it's on the run.

Oh, Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go.

Oh, I'll sing to you every night, Ma'am
And I'll soothe you every day.
I'll be your regular Elf-guard
If you'll just get that dwarf away.

Oh, Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let that thing go before it goes off and hurts somebody!

But he kicked a hole in the very best flet
And he axe-swung near my head.
He cussed aside and said I lied
And he wished that I was dead!

Oh, Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go.

We're three tough Elves
From deep down Lorien way,
No one but ourselves
And dwarves don't like the way we play.
We're a rough rootin tootin shootin near
And you ought to see our bro' Haldir;
He's a terror make no error
But there ain't no nicer terror
Here's what we tell him:

Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go

That dwarf breathed so very loud
Before he ever came
Your draw was quick
To take a stick
And shishkebab the thing.

Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go

Oh, guarding trees in Lothlorien
Elves the only ones,
Until one night they caught a dwarf
And now it's on the run.

Oh, Let those bowstrings go, Babe.
Let those bowstrings go.
Bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go

Oh, bowstring pluckin' Haldir
Let those bowstrings go.

Keep movin', movin', movin',
Though he's disapprovin',
Keep them orcs a-movin', he sighed.
Don't try to understand 'em,
Just shoot 'em, throw, and stab 'em.
Soon we'll be aimin' high and wide.
His heart's calculatin',
Aragorn will be waitin',
Be waitin' at the turnin' of the tide.

Shoot 'em down, head 'em off,
Whack 'em off, trip 'em up,
Move 'em back, split 'em up, uruk-hai!
Rip 'em out, stab 'em in,
Poke 'em in, stomp 'em out,
Cut 'em out, push 'em down, uruk-hai!
 
Keep shootin', shootin', shootin',
You bet your darn a-tootin',
Keep them heads a-rollin', uruk-hai.
Through rain and wind and weather,
Metal dressed with leather,
Wishin' for ships out on the tide.
The things that he was keepin',
Good vittles, peace and sleepin',
Were waiting on those boats with the tide.

Move 'em back, chop 'em up,
Split 'em up, bring 'em on,
Turn an' shout, Oh look out!, he died!
Fall 'em back, bring 'em in,
Pull 'em in, let 'em shout,
It's a rout, say again: he died!
HE DIED!!!
 

---

Orc People
(Tune: Short People)

Orc People got no reason
Orc People got no reason
Orc People got no reason
To live.

They got grimy hands,
Squinty eyes.
They walk around
Tellin' great big lies.
They got snotty noses,
And sharp dirty teeth.
They wear rags for shoes
On their nasty stinky feet.

Well, I don't want no Orc People
Don't want no Orc People
Don't want no Orc People
`Round here.

Orc People grow like potatoes
In a sty.
All mudball brothers
Until the day they die

Orc People got nobody
Orc People got nobody
Orc People got nobody
But mud.

They like tasty hobbit legs
That stand so low
They got to pick 'em up
Just to gnaw their toes.
They got fetid breath
That goes breathe, breathe, breathe
They got bad digestion
Goin' heave, heave, heave,
They got grubbing, grasping fingers
And dirtclods for minds,
Gonna poke holes in gizzards every time.
Well, I don't want no Orc People
Don't want no Orc People
Don't want no Orc People
'Round here.

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Goin' Dwarfin'
(tune of Goin' Courtin' from 7 Brides for 7 Brothers)

LEGOLAS:
Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
Oh it sets your senses in a whirl.
Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
Little dudes as tough as any burl.
Oh, it's fun to hunt and shoot a bow,
Or to to hit a target, doncha know,
*But you'll find your mind a-starvin' goin' Dwarfin'.

Now there's lots o' things you gotta know
Be sure the ceilings are low,
Y' sidle up and grab his beard
Let me tell you fella's that it's weird.
You hem and haw a little while
He gives you kinda half a smile.
You hug a tree, he moves away
Then the strategy comes into play.

Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
If you find it hard to know a rock
Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
Read geology and keep a stock.
Squint your eyes and give a little glower.
Grunt and spit like you're a spittle shower.
That is what's known as emotin' goin' Dwarfin'!

ERESTOR
(spoken)
How 'bout singin',

Flower flingin'
When you're longin' for an Elvish face?

LINDIR
(spoken)
How 'bout dreamin'
Or facial creamin'

GLORFINDEL
(spoken)
Suppose he up and saps your grace?

LEGOLAS
(spoken)
Just remember "blessed are the Elves"
(sung)
(Don't forget we keep it to ourselves.)
Soon enough you'll both be orc-in',
Goin' Dwarfin'
Goin' ridin'...

ELVES
Goin' ridin'?

LEGOLAS
On the plains or in any battle.
Goin' ridin', goin' ridin'
Just remember that he'll need a saddle.

GALDOR
(spoken)
You mean that Dwarves are learnin' how to ride?

LEGOLAS
Though it's mixin' Jekyll up with Hyde,
It'll help with your abidin' goin' ridin'.

ELVES
Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
Oh, it puts your senses in a whirl
Goin' Dwarfin', goin' Dwarfin'
Little dudes as tough as any burl.
Oh it's fun to sing a song
Or to fix where history went wrong,
But you'll find it's twice as sportin'
Goin' Dwarfin'.

LEGOLAS
(spoken)
Keep your singin'

ELVES

(spoken)
And climbin'

LEGOLAS
And bareback

ELVES
And plantin'

ALL
And brushin'

(sung)
'Cause we're goin' Dwarfin'!

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---

Rivendell Valley
(to the tune of Red River Valley) 

From this valley they say you are going
I will miss your bright eyes and sweet smile
For to me you are taking the sunshine
That has brightened this place for a while

Come and sit by my side if you love me
Do not hasten to bid me adieu
But remember the Rivendell Valley
And dear Bilbo who loved you so true

Won't you think of the valley you're leaving
Oh how lonely, how sad it will be?
Oh think of this fond heart who's waiting
And the tale you will write down for me

 As we go to our home by the ocean
May we never forget those sweet hours
That we spent in the Rivendell Valley
And the time that we shared mid the flowers

---

Tom Save the Ring
(to the tune of God Save the King)

Tom save our precious Ring,
Captured by barrow-things,
Tom save the Ring!
He'll come victorious,
Happy and glorious,
With singing over us,
Tom sav'd the Ring!

Our call is "Tom arise,
Scatter our enemies,
And make them fall.
Confound their willow-twigs,
Frustrate their foggy tricks!"
On these our hopes we fix;
Tom'll save the Ring!

Those choicest gifts in store
On barrow-grass he pour'd;
Long has he lived!
May he defend from claws
And ever give us cause
To sing without a pause:
Tom sav'd the Ring!

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Old Grey Willow
(to the tune of The Old Grey Mare)

Old Grey Willow
Tree ain't what he used to be
Ain't what he used to be,
Ain't what he used to be
Old Grey Willow
Tree ain't what he used to be
Many long years ago.

Many long years ago,
Many long years ago,
Old Grey Willow
Tree ain't what he used to be
Many long years ago.

Old Grey Willow
Tree sorely whupped by Bombadil,
Sorely whupped by Bombadil,
Sorely whupped by Bombadil
Old Grey Willow
Tree Sorely whupped by Bombadil
Many long years ago.

Many long years ago,
Many long years ago,
Old Grey Willow
Tree Sorely whupped by Bombadil
Many long years ago.

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