Top Ten Lists 7

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Contents of this page:

LOTR Diet and Exercise Program
Top Ten Things the Fans noticed about the 77th Academy Awards
Top Ten Ways to Tell a LOTR Fan his Zipper is Open
Top Ten Dwarf Names
Things Orcs Never Say
Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Hobbits
Ten Things not to say in Shelob's Lair
Ten Things a Wraith Wouldn't Say
Top Ten LOTR Myths and the Truth behind Them
Ten Ten Things Never Heard in Smeagol's Trailer

LOTR Diet and Exercise Program
With the New Year approaching, I think many of us will need to lose weight and get back into shape. Inspired by the movies, I thought perhaps we could share a few good exercise and diet tips. (Of course, please do not do any of these without consulting your doctor first!)

1..The Aragorn Sword Lift - begin by holding your sword in your right hand straight out in front of you. On the count of 2 lift it up over your head, and then down again.. up… down,,, up… down. Do this 200 times, and then switch to the other hand.

2..The Hobbit Roll - begin by holding a bunch of vegetables in your arms. Stand about 100 feet from the edge of a steep hill. Run as fast as you can toward the hill, and when you reach the edge, drop the vegetables and roll down the hill as fast as you can. Then get up and do it again.

3..The Elven Walking Program - get a heavy book (preferably the LOTR hardback) and balance it on your head. Begin by walking 1 mile (2 km for those of you across the pond). Make sure to keep your shoulders back, and don’t touch the book! Eventually you will be able to do 6 miles(10 km).

4..The Orc-Hunt Ultra-Marathon – this is for those of you who like to run. I’m not sure yet where it will take place (probably New Zealand), but I’m sure that runners from around the world will sign up!. It will be “Three day's and night's running.. no food... no rest”. So get your running shoes out and start training!

5..Strider’s Football Kicking Training Program – this will build up iron toes (for those of you who want to play football). Get a metal bucket (or a metal helmut, if you have one), and begin by standing about 10 feet from it. Then run toward it and kick it as hard as you can. If you break a toe the first couple of times, don’t worry, eventually your resistance to pain will become greater, and you will be a stronger person in the long run.
- Goldberry


Ranger Swimming: swim in river with leather clothing, boots, wool cloak, sword and knife. Prefer one with a swift current.
Ride horses.
Ride a troll, if you can find one!
paddle boats on the river.
Rock climbing.
Stair master (several sets of stairs get run up, at Helm's Deep, Cirith Ungol, even Arwen runs up stairs at Rivendell).
- Sarahsticher

For those who love climbing and are bored by rock walls, try a moving one! Mumakil scaling may be the next thing!

And if snow boarding has lost its "edge" try stair surfing.

Now we all know that it is politically incorrect to dwarf toss, but if the dwarf volunteers...Just mind the beard! (oh, and don't tell the elf)

Tired of the usual coaching techniques of your trainer? Hire a few uruk hai. With all that chanting and howling and pounding of spears, I know I would do one more rep!

If you are small of stature, you may wish to try horse dodging. If you can't find a full scale battle, perhaps you could sneak onto a polo field. I wonder if we could get them to play at night..with spears.

As for me, I am holding out for the magical elixer. Pass that ent drought and I will simply grow taller to accomodate those extra holiday pounds.
- Elfriend
Troll wrestling
Tree herding
- Halona Treeclan

Top Ten Things LOTR Fans Noticed on The 77th Academy Awards

10. LOTR wasn't nominated for anything.

9. Howard Shore didn't win anything.

8. All the casual mentioning of LOTR just made us miss last year even more.

7. Someone actually said that they were glad there was not a fourth LOTR. Don't these people know what a trilogy is?!

6. Cate Blanchett won, BUT NOT AS GALADRIEL!

5. There were no Hobbits in attendance.

4. The after-parties did not look nearly as fun.

3. Orlando Bloom looked great on the Red Carpet, but not so great as a certain Mirkwood Prince!

2. The winners were a lot harder to predict. Smile

and the number one thing!

1. Nobody thanked New Zealand for anything!
- TheFoeHammer

Top ten ways to tell a LOTR Fan his zipper is open (PG, mostly for questionable taste in our humor this day)   

10—The Nine are abroad . . . and so is your One.
9—Even the Lidless Eye would look away.
8—Lotho has taken over Bag End.
7—All that is gold does not zip up.
6—The Gaffer says he can see your ninnyhammer.
5—‘Mellon’ opened the door at Moria. What was the word to close it again?
4—Saruman has been freed from Orthanc.
3—I think your Halfling forth now stands.
2—Better check your Gap of Rohan.
1—I must be in Bree, cause your Pony sure is Prancing!

(My mother-in-law saw a list that didn't include any reference to LOTR, so she thought we were missing out. She has recanted her comment.)
- Doctor Gamgee


The Way isn't Shut... - Primula

12--Grond has breached the city gate.
13--Treebeard has broken through the walls of Isengard
14--Frodo is standing at the Window on the West.
15--The watcher in the water is getting an eye full.
16--Bombadill needs to check on the Willow Man.
- Doctor Gamgee
Hey, Tom Bomba-dilly, he sees your _____! - Rohirrim-eored

"The beacon is out!" - Dinledhwen

1. That still only counts as one.
2. YOU SHALL NOT PEE! - MithrandirCQ

1. Frodo, there's someone at the door.
2. Boromir has dropped the hilt of Narsil again.
3. Isengard has been unleashed.
4. Isengard has fallen.
5. Down from the door where it began.
6. Big as a house, but that's no reason to show it. (oliphaunt)
7. The door to the paths of the dead is open.
8. The way is not shut.
9. Mighty was the fallen zipper.(#3-130)
10. There is the horse and the rider!
11. The lord of the black land has come forth.
- Aragorn-Lover
Gollum is escaping from Mirkwood.   - Daughter of Kings

"Take them all down!" However, you might want to pull yours up.
Can't go walking through Mordor in nothing but your boxers.
Helm's deep has been breached!
The Lonely Mountain is in sight!
Guard of the Citadel, attend to the Steward!
To the Lower Level! To the gate, Fool of a Took!
"...And then you see it." "See what?" "A gate standing wide open..."
- Flame of Thangorodrim
Fly, you fool -  elfriend67

"Legolas, Gimli...get them up!" - NorthStar

"We are not alone."  - Dinledhwen

"This is Sting! You've seen it before, haven't you, Gollum?" -  frodosmiss

I was telling a friend of mine about this thread, and right away she said, in Smeagol fashion with the hand gesture:
"Up! Up! Up!"   - Laerindae

Frodo, there's someone at the door.
or in short:
Frodo, the door.  - Aragorn-Lover

Look down and say, "It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing." - Celedor


Top Ten Dwarf Names

Why didn't Tolkien come up with ones like these? They're such fun to play with it's no wonder it took him so long to write it.

10. Öbladí and Öbladá (brothers, of course)

9. Mudi

8. Môlhíl

7. Ini and Uti

6. Nogin

5. Gläb

4. Snûd

3. Bûbi

2. Gändi

1. Dûd, son of Kuldûd
- Primula

You forgot Môlhíl's son, Maunton.  -  MrsFrodoBaggins

et's not leave out Bendi and Fendi... Mini and Maxi?
Eani, Meni, Maini, and Mo....
Allie, Ollie, and Innfrei....
and the littlest one, Piwi. 
 - sarahsticher

Things Orcs Never Say

The edge on this blade is too sharp!
Red wine with fried swamp rat!?! Are you mad!?!
Where is my hand lotion?
That's swell!
Too many animal skins detract from the decor.
I feel giggly.
I don't keep sharp objects in my house.
I've started a retirement fund.
Please explain the nuances between 'partly cloudy' and 'partly sunny'.
I already have enough swords at home.
Scotch tastes better with a twist of lemon.
He is wearing the same outfit as me... that (insult)
No meat thank you, I'm a vegetarian.
Darn it!
Earl Grey tastes better unsweetened.
I feel bright and chipper this morning!
I need someone to open this jar of pickles for me.
I can't decide if I want my Giant Bark-Slug poached or broiled?
I'm on a low sodium diet.
Please don't make me use obscenities.
Hold me!
This axe is too big!
My fiancé is registered at Tiffany's.
Too many mounted animal heads detract from the decor.
Not all problems can be solved with violence.
I started a diary last night.
Be honest with me guys... does this chest-plate make my butt look big?
Please trim the fat off my steak.
Where the blankety did this pimple come from?
This part always makes me cry.
Where is the rendezvous point?
That's very unsanitary!
Do you have any Sweet and Lo?
And what can I do for you this fine day?
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Stop waving those weapons in da air!... It just ain't safe.
I'll have the salad.
I'm over 30 years old.
My socks are very clean.
I can't eat that - too high in fat!
Guys, let's draw upon our feminine sides for a more intuitive solution to our differences.
I think we've killed enough things today.
Where is my teddy bear?


Can anybody tell me where the toilets are?
Dear Mirror, who is the most beautiful in Middle-Earth?
I'm going to Disneyworld this summer.
Will you add me on msn?
What shall I give you for Christmas this year? It must be expensive.
I have plenty of birthday cake for my birthday party.
Sauron, Granny is on the phone.
Dude, I already have a cellphone. You can get my older one.
- Mrs. Pippin

"Pardon me, but would you have any Grey Poupon?" - Icarus

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!
Um...I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't think your deodorant is working...
Which way to the Botox party?
Mary Kay cosmetics make me break out.
They're always after me Lucky Charms!
Here, let me get that door for you!
 Gorbag to Grishnak: We're in! We're in! We both got parts in Mame! I get to wear the boa!
- Frodosmiss

Dark-Folk Fashion Police never say:  "Those hide pants just do not go with that chainmail shirt!"

And Orcs never sing....
"How much is that warg in the window?
The one with the slimey tail
How much is that warg in the window?
I do hope that warg is for sale..."

 - Lothithil

I didn't save any money on my car insurance, but that gekko went down smooth!
Check out my profile on ME
I don't think our insurance covers dental
Judging from the smell in here, I'd say one of you guys is fartin' up a storm!
Killing just doesn't do it for me, anymore. I think I'll take up photography.
 - Erech the Undead

Sauron, Let me spruce up Minas Morgul with a faux finish and some throw pillows.

You're just jealous that YOU didn't get an A in Floral Arangements.

I wasn't defacing your property! I just thought the lidless eye could use a little mascara.

And you can bet that the orc campfires never had s'mores or Sing-a-longs like "Kum by Yah, Dark Lord" . . .
 - Doctor Gamgee

"Congratulations Shagrat, you have been nominated for a "Nobel peace prize"
"Pass the Dental floss."
- Tiger-Lily

Barad-dur just doesn't give me that feng-shui feeling
I hope we win this thing. There's a great 3-bedroom on the 2nd level of that white city
Forget the war, man, there's Elf-chicks all over Belfalas beach!
Eye-entology, by SauRon Hubbard? Yeah, I read it..
Gee, those Uruks get such a nice even tan, ya know?
- Erech the Undead

I need a trim, my hair feels shaggy.
I'll just be a minute, putting on fresh nail polish.
- sarahstitcher

Oh dear Sauron, your contact fell out again, here let me get the for you
Hey! who trampled my carrot garden?!
- Rider of the Rohirrim

"Does this mail make me look fat?" - Captain Peregrine

May I have this dance? - Frodowannabe

All right....who took my Prada bag??? - Traevynn


Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Hobbits

1. Second Breakfast makes everything better.
2. Your cousins will always have your back.
3. Eat your vegetables and meat and bread and fruit and cheese and...
4. A good cooking pot is worth its weight in gold.
5. It is better to give than to receive.
6. Everthing looks better over a pint.
7. Never leave home without a pocket hankercheif.
8. Gardeners are more important than bodyguards.
9. Know you geneaology.
10. It is the little things that are important.

- Orangeblossom Took

Top Ten Things not to say in Shelob's Lair

"Yodel-odol-odol-odol-yay-hee-hoo!.... *listens for echo*"

"Look, if I run at the wall and jump, I stick!"

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

"I can sound like a fly. Can you? Bzzzzzz!"

"You know, I used to have hams that hung like that back at home..."

"Hey, look! A rare arctic grebe!"

"Fly, you fool! Fly!"

"I sure hope we get there soon. All this walking is just sucking the life out of me."

"I hate caves, they always have bugs in them..."

"SOUS's? Spiders Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
- Primula


"this seems like a nice place to hang out." - Overlithe

"We haven't met any bad guys for a while, maybe we've got past them all." - Evermind

"Whomever lives here must have recently hung their laundry! Look! Eight little socks, all in a row!"

Frodo to Gollum: "When you said you'd get me on the web, I thought you meant the INTERNET!" - Frodosmiss

''Whoever lives here must have a sweet tooth. There's licorice and rock candy growing straight out' the walls!''
(all together now--eew-yuck-gross..!!.. ) .

''Can you hear me now?''  - Erech the Undead

"Look, I'd really like to continue our walk but I'm all tied up at the moment."

"And I thought my dustbunnies were bad..." - Starflower & Primula

"Thank the stars there aren't any snakes in here. There's nothing worse than snakes." - Traevynn


Ten Things a Wraith Wouldn't Say

Do I look Ok in black?

May I please have that ring..i'm tired of looking for it.

You keep the ring Gold gives me a rash.

Black, black why does everything have to be black.

I need a vacation.

No, no my black horse is fine i don't want an upgrade to fell beast.

I don't believe in violence.

Do I have a lisssssspppppp?

sniff, sniff....Pardon me can I borrow a handkerchief?

What are we looking for again?
- Overlithe


One wraith to another: "Oh can the Dread Pirate Roberts routine already!"

As Aragorn comes at them with the torches: "If only we had a Holocaust cloak."

"Drat, not again! What did I do with that dagger? This is so embarrassing. Well, here, you, the short one, I'm going to poke my finger at you in a forbidding way and you fall down and holler, otherwise the rest will know!"

"I hate heights."  
- Primula

Favourite colour: Well, pink, but that's just for nightwear. I mean, it is the dark lord's army, and we do have to be in uniform... sigh... Just because Angmar was on the designing team and pink doesn't suit his complexion.....  - Evermind

"For the last time, I'm not a dementor, and I don't care if you've seen this Sirius Black guy." - Celedor

''We outnumber this brat 9 to 1. Can one of you blackhearts tell me how we lose?''

''Wraith or no Wraith, I've got a rump rash from all this riding''

''Hey, Morgul-head, I've got 50 on the blonde, you in?''  - Erech the Undead

Shire? I think I had a vacation home near there...

You....generic wraith #5 do you wanna take a picnic break?  It's so peaceful here.

Wraith upon meeting Gaffer Gamgee....Excuse me sir..would you have any grey poupon?

I smell Hobbits and one of them has cabbage....mmmm coleslaw, its been ages.

Best wraith voice...."Shire....cabbages".

Wraiths in a domestic dispute...."Would you stop your shrieking".

Wraiths at Buckleberry Ferry..."I would have had them but my horse got a splinter."  - Overlithe

"I've got to get a thicker cloak...I keep falling through my horse."

Sauron, post-Rivendell: "Eeeek! Naked wraiths!"

"Sigh - No matter how much I eat, I never seem able to gain an ounce."

"What do you say we just settle down and raise a family of wraithlets?" 
- Primula

Couldn't we have done this in a festive Tartan or a flowing madras?

I know black is slimming, but we look like skeletons! Mauve would flesh us out a little more!

This is YOUR fault, angmar! If we hadn't had to wait in line to get that Potter Kid's autograph, we could have been to costuming before they had something besides a 86 Long!

You'de think that with an army of orcs, the lidless eye would see that we need someone to take after our train! And the thought of Grishnak as a flower-girl brings a smile to these lips . . . uh. . . .teeth.

(on the long flight from Mordor . . . )

Angmar, Angmar, Bo Bangmar
Banana fana Fo Fangmar,
Me, My Mo Mangmar,

or . . .

What idiot at Minas Morgul decided that "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" would be the best choice for the inflight movie?! We need a war movie! The Bridge over the River Anduin wuith Ernest Orcnine! Now THERE'S an inflight movie.   - Doctor Gamgee

You like my robe? I bought it at the Gap of Rohan.

Eeek! A spider!

I want my mommy!

What's the big deal? It's just a ring..

The Nine was our old name. We are now the Riders who were Formally Known as the Nine.

We just hired this great PR firm to help improve our public image.

My nose is itchy.  - mousechief

I'm not a completely evil...some parts are missing!

I wouldn't be caught dead wearing black

I don't suffer from diabolical, foul fiendishness. I enjoy every minute of it. - Daisy Gold

"Now run this by me again...we're taking orders from a giant eye?"

"Let's retire and move to The Shire."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee! *cough cough*... hairball." - King Elessar


The Top Ten LOTR “Myths” and the “Truth” Behind Them

10. Frodo didn’t become the ring bearer by his choice. He simply was the one who drew the shortest straw.

9. Gimli didn’t lose the Drinking Game. He let Legolas win after the elf had given him his secret for such wonderful looking hair.

8. Legolas didn’t kill the Uruk-hai carrying the torch because of poor aim. Instead it was due to the shortness of the long toothpicks used to keep club sandwiches together that he was forced to use in place of arrows that kept him from hitting a vital spot.

7. Gollum didn’t have a split personality. He had a twin brother who wanted to have his fifteen minutes of fame.

6. Boromir didn’t die. He only had three small splinters of wood in him and he fainted from the pain when they were removed.

5. Denethor didn’t die on a funeral pyre. He died when he accidentally set himself ablaze while trying to light the barbeque grill.

4. Merry and Pippin don’t like mushrooms and vegetables enough to steal them. They only did it as a favor to Farmer Maggot so he could show how delicious looking his produce was.

3. Gandalf the Grey and the Balrog didn’t fall from the bridge in Khazad-dûm. Instead they were bungee jumping.

2. The Lady Galadriel didn’t actually give the Fellowship gifts. Instead she gave them gift cards so they could pick out what they wanted.

1. Lord Sauron didn’t make the One Ring. He got it out of a box of Crackerjack.

- Dinledhwen

Top Ten Things Never Heard in Smeagol's Trailer

10. "No, thank you, I'm on Jenny Craig."

9. "My 'Seasons of Semagol' calendar has sold out?!?

8. "Can't we cut this a little higher on the hip?"

7. "Fish are our friends, not Food!"

6. "Pass the potatoes, please."

5. "I don't need any Bling today."

4. "This makeup doesn't bring out my eyes."

3. "What is 'bikini waxing' precious?

2. "I'm Arachnophobic"

1. "Does this costume make my butt look big?"
- Doctor Gamgee