The edge on this blade is too sharp!
Red wine with fried swamp rat!?! Are you mad!?!
Where is my hand lotion?
Too many animal skins detract from the decor.
I feel giggly.
I don't keep sharp objects in my house.
I've started a retirement fund.
Please explain the nuances between 'partly cloudy' and 'partly sunny'.
I already have enough swords at home.
Scotch tastes better with a twist of lemon.
He is wearing the same outfit as me... that (insult)
No meat thank you, I'm a vegetarian.
Earl Grey tastes better unsweetened.
I feel bright and chipper this morning!
I need someone to open this jar of pickles for me.
I can't decide if I want my Giant Bark-Slug poached or broiled?
I'm on a low sodium diet.
Please don't make me use obscenities.
This axe is too big!
My fiancé is registered at Tiffany's.
Too many mounted animal heads detract from the decor.
Not all problems can be solved with violence.
I started a diary last night.
Be honest with me guys... does this chest-plate make my butt look big?
Please trim the fat off my steak.
Where the blankety did this pimple come from?
This part always makes me cry.
Where is the rendezvous point?
That's very unsanitary!
Do you have any Sweet and Lo?
And what can I do for you this fine day?
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
Stop waving those weapons in da air!... It just ain't safe.
I'll have the salad.
I'm over 30 years old.
My socks are very clean.
I can't eat that - too high in fat!
Guys, let's draw upon our feminine sides for a more intuitive solution
to our differences.
I think we've killed enough things today.
Where is my teddy bear?
Can anybody tell me where the toilets are?
Dear Mirror, who is the most beautiful in Middle-Earth?
I'm going to Disneyworld this summer.
Will you add me on msn?
What shall I give you for Christmas this year? It must be expensive.
I have plenty of birthday cake for my birthday party.
Sauron, Granny is on the phone.
Dude, I already have a cellphone. You can get my older one.
- Mrs. Pippin
"Pardon me, but
would you have any Grey Poupon?" - Icarus
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful!
Um...I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't think your
deodorant is working...
Which way to the Botox party?
Mary Kay cosmetics make me break out.
They're always after me Lucky Charms!
Here, let me get that door for you!
Gorbag to Grishnak: We're in! We're in! We both got parts in
Mame! I get to wear the boa!
Police never say: "Those hide pants just do not go with that
And Orcs never sing....
"How much is that warg in the window?
The one with the slimey tail
How much is that warg in the window?
I do hope that warg is for sale..."
I didn't save any
money on my car insurance, but that gekko went down smooth!
Check out my profile on ME Harmony.com
I don't think our insurance covers dental
Judging from the smell in here, I'd say one of you guys is fartin' up a
Killing just doesn't do it for me, anymore. I think I'll take up
Let me spruce up Minas Morgul with a faux finish and some throw pillows.
You're just jealous that YOU didn't get an A in Floral Arangements.
I wasn't defacing your property! I just thought the lidless eye could
use a little mascara.
And you can bet that the orc campfires never had s'mores or
Sing-a-longs like "Kum by Yah, Dark
. . .
- Doctor Gamgee
"Congratulations Shagrat, you have been
nominated for a "Nobel peace prize"
"Pass the Dental floss."
Barad-dur just doesn't give me that feng-shui feeling
I hope we win this thing. There's a great 3-bedroom on the 2nd level of
that white city
Forget the war, man, there's Elf-chicks all over Belfalas beach!
Eye-entology, by SauRon Hubbard? Yeah, I read it..
Gee, those Uruks get such a nice even tan, ya know?
- Erech the Undead
I need a trim, my hair feels shaggy.
I'll just be a minute, putting on fresh nail polish.
Oh dear Sauron, your contact fell out again, here let me get the for you
Hey! who trampled my carrot garden?!
- Rider of the Rohirrim
"Does this mail
make me look fat?" - Captain Peregrine
May I have this dance? - Frodowannabe
All right....who took my Prada bag??? -
Everything I Need to Know, I
Learned from Hobbits
1. Second Breakfast makes everything better.
2. Your cousins will always have your back.
3. Eat your vegetables and meat and bread and fruit and cheese and...
4. A good cooking pot is worth its weight in gold.
5. It is better to give than to receive.
6. Everthing looks better over a pint.
7. Never leave home without a pocket hankercheif.
8. Gardeners are more important than bodyguards.
9. Know you geneaology.
10. It is the little things that are important.
- Orangeblossom Took
Top Ten Things
not to say in Shelob's Lair
"Yodel-odol-odol-odol-yay-hee-hoo!.... *listens for echo*"
"Look, if I run at the wall and jump, I stick!"
"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."
"I can sound like a fly. Can you? Bzzzzzz!"
"You know, I used to have hams that hung like that back at home..."
"Hey, look! A rare arctic grebe!"
"Fly, you fool! Fly!"
"I sure hope we get there soon. All this walking is just sucking the
life out of me."
"I hate caves, they always have bugs in them..."
"SOUS's? Spiders Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
Ten Things a
Wraith Wouldn't Say
"this seems like a nice place to hang
out." - Overlithe
"We haven't met any bad guys for a while, maybe we've got past them
"Whomever lives here must have recently hung their laundry! Look! Eight
little socks, all in a row!"
Frodo to Gollum: "When you said you'd get me on the web, I thought you
meant the INTERNET!" - Frodosmiss
''Whoever lives here must have a sweet tooth. There's licorice and rock
candy growing straight out' the walls!''
''Can you hear me now?'' - Erech
"Look, I'd really like to continue our walk but I'm all tied up at the
"And I thought my dustbunnies
were bad..." - Starflower &
"Thank the stars there aren't any
snakes in here. There's nothing worse than snakes." - Traevynn
Do I look Ok in black?
May I please have that ring..i'm tired of looking for it.
You keep the ring Gold gives me a rash.
Black, black why does everything have to be black.
I need a vacation.
No, no my black horse is fine i don't want an upgrade to fell beast.
I don't believe in violence.
Do I have a lisssssspppppp?
sniff, sniff....Pardon me can I borrow a handkerchief?
What are we looking for again?
One wraith to another: "Oh can the Dread Pirate Roberts routine
As Aragorn comes at them with the
torches: "If only we had a Holocaust cloak."
"Drat, not again! What did I do with
dagger? This is so embarrassing. Well, here, you, the short one, I'm
going to poke my finger at you in a forbidding way and you fall down
and holler, otherwise the rest will know!"
"I hate heights." - Primula
Favourite colour: Well, pink, but that's just for nightwear. I mean, it is the dark lord's army, and we do
have to be in uniform... sigh...
Just because Angmar was on the designing team and pink doesn't suit his
"For the last time, I'm not a dementor,
and I don't care if you've seen this Sirius Black guy." - Celedor
''We outnumber this brat 9 to 1. Can one of you blackhearts
tell me how we lose?''
''Wraith or no Wraith, I've got a rump rash from all
''Hey, Morgul-head, I've got 50 on the blonde, you in?''
- Erech the Undead
Shire? I think I had a vacation home near there...
You....generic wraith #5 do you wanna take a picnic break? It's
so peaceful here.
Wraith upon meeting Gaffer Gamgee....Excuse
you have any grey poupon?
Hobbits and one of them has cabbage....mmmm coleslaw, its been ages.
Best wraith voice...."Shire....cabbages".
Wraiths in a domestic dispute...."Would
Wraiths at Buckleberry Ferry..."I
had them but my horse got a splinter."
"I've got to get a thicker
cloak...I keep falling through my horse."
"Eeeek! Naked wraiths!"
- No matter how much I eat, I never seem able to gain an ounce."
"What do you say we just settle down and raise a family of
Couldn't we have done this in a festive Tartan or a flowing madras?
I know black is slimming, but we look like skeletons! Mauve would flesh
us out a little more!
This is YOUR fault, angmar! If we hadn't had to wait in line to get
that Potter Kid's autograph, we could have been to costuming before
they had something besides a 86 Long!
You'de think that with an army of orcs, the lidless eye would see
that we need someone to take after our train! And the thought of
Grishnak as a flower-girl brings a smile to these lips . . . uh. . .
(on the long flight from Mordor . . . )
Angmar, Angmar, Bo Bangmar
Banana fana Fo Fangmar,
Me, My Mo Mangmar,
or . . .
What idiot at Minas Morgul decided that "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
would be the best choice for the inflight movie?! We need a war movie!
The Bridge over the River Anduin wuith Ernest Orcnine! Now THERE'S an
inflight movie. - Doctor
You like my robe? I bought it at the Gap
Eeek! A spider!
I want my mommy!
What's the big deal? It's just a ring..
The Nine was our old name. We are now the Riders who were Formally
Known as the Nine.
We just hired this great PR firm to help improve our public image.
My nose is itchy. - mousechief
I'm not a completely evil...some
parts are missing!
I wouldn't be caught dead wearing black
I don't suffer from diabolical, foul fiendishness. I enjoy every minute
of it. - Daisy Gold
"Now run this by me again...we're
taking orders from a giant eye?"
"Let's retire and move to The Shire."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee! *cough cough*... hairball." - King Elessar
The Top Ten
LOTR “Myths” and the “Truth” Behind Them
10. Frodo didn’t become the ring bearer by his choice. He simply was
the one who drew the shortest straw.
9. Gimli didn’t lose the Drinking Game. He let Legolas win after
the elf had given him his secret for such wonderful looking hair.
8. Legolas didn’t kill the Uruk-hai carrying the torch because of
poor aim. Instead it was due to the shortness of the long toothpicks
used to keep club sandwiches together that he was forced to use in
place of arrows that kept him from hitting a vital spot.
7. Gollum didn’t have a split personality. He had a twin brother who
wanted to have his fifteen minutes of fame.
6. Boromir didn’t die. He only had three small splinters of wood in him
and he fainted from the pain when they were removed.
5. Denethor didn’t die on a funeral pyre. He died when he
accidentally set himself ablaze while trying to light the barbeque
4. Merry and Pippin don’t like mushrooms and vegetables enough to
steal them. They only did it as a favor to Farmer Maggot so he could
show how delicious looking his produce was.
3. Gandalf the Grey and the Balrog didn’t fall from the bridge in
Khazad-dûm. Instead they were bungee jumping.
2. The Lady Galadriel didn’t actually give the Fellowship gifts.
Instead she gave them gift cards so they could pick out what they
1. Lord Sauron didn’t make the One Ring. He got it out of a box of
Top Ten Things Never Heard in Smeagol's
10. "No, thank you, I'm on Jenny Craig."
9. "My 'Seasons of Semagol' calendar has sold out?!?
8. "Can't we cut this a little higher on the hip?"
7. "Fish are our friends, not Food!"
6. "Pass the potatoes, please."
5. "I don't need any Bling today."
4. "This makeup doesn't bring out my eyes."
3. "What is 'bikini waxing' precious?
2. "I'm Arachnophobic"
1. "Does this costume make my butt look big?"
- Doctor Gamgee