Top Ten Lists 6

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Contents of this page:
Alternate Endings We’re Glad Peter Didn’t Consider
Gimli's Top Ten Reasons Why You Never Toss A Dwarf
Goods and Services in Middle Earth
LOTR lines that could have been said by somebody else
Movie Lines We Love to Hate
Things That Make us Giggle in LOTR
Top Ten Birthday Presents You Wouldn't Want to Give Gimli
Top Ten Birthday Presents You Wouldn't Want to Give Legolas
Top Ten Birthday Presents You Wouldn't Want to Give Orcs
Top Ten Director's Versions of the Hobbit we don't want to see
Top Ten Reasons Why Aragorn May Reconsider His Marriage To Arwen
Top Ten Reasons Why Arwen May Reconsider Her Marriage to Aragorn
Unnecessary Middle-Earth Retail Ventures


Top 10 LOTR lines that could have been said by somebody else

10 You... cannot... pass! (Háma to Gandalf) (Then he says Mellon and they pass) ("Dang, we should change it more often")

9 Why don’t you throw yourself in next tiiiiiiime? (the Balrog to Gandalf) (“hold on, I think I’ll try that whip thing Indiana taught me in 1981”)

8 Ouch. What is this new devilry!? (An orc being hit by a frying pan)

7 Hmmm... There are fouler things than orcs in the deep places of the earth. (Choose from:)
Haldir about Gimli
Galadriel about Gimli
Éomer about Gimli
The orcs about Gimli
Gimli about the Dead Host
The Dead Host about Gimli
(no, I mean it, actually choose one)

6 ...and in the darkness bind them, hehe. (Shelob sings an old classic rhyme she heard somewhere while going to work on Frodo)

5 Hmmm... our list of allies grows thin. (Sam scratches his head after being left alone with the ring in Cirith Ungol)

4 I think I’m getting the hang of this. (Lurtz after turning Boromir into a pincushion)

3 I would have followed you into the very firesss of Mordorrr. (Gollum talks to the ring while falling towards... well, the very fires of Mordor) (“why, it’sss getting hotter in here by the second, preciousss.”)

2 Burarum! (Gimli burping in Meduseld) (“oops, mixed up voices again”)

1 If you want him, come and claim him. (Éowyn to Arwen in Helm’s Deep) (then Arwen actually comes... catfight ensues... in the mud... they tear each other’s clothes apart... yummy... sorry, I digress... shivers...)
- Rogorn


Things That Make us Giggle in LOTR

We're all talking about the tears we've shed while watching ROTK and the other films, but how about the bits that made you laugh?  Go on, remind me of some more, I could do with a giggle!  - starlinguk

Haldir's face when Aragorn hugs him.
The potato argument.
Any of the Legolas/Gimli rivalry scenes ("That still only counts as one!")
"Nobody tosses the dwarf!"
Gandalf's "Hobbits!" when they find a rather sloshed Merry and Pippin.
Pippin getting an apple on the nose when he complains about missing second breakfast. And the way he looks up when he finds the floating apple in Isengard.
Galadriel's giggle when Gimli declares his love for her.

Boromir's chagrin & disgust as he says "They have a cave troll" gets me laughing every time - Linaewen

Cave troll is my fave too, though Pip's "Where are we going?" and Don't tell the elf get me too - Lindorie

Also, the hobbits turning on Aragorn as he tries to break off their attack on Boromir during his fencing lessons. I like the stunned look on Aragorn's face as he lands on his back. - Namarie

Frodo's incredulous "Roast chicken?!" and surprised "I think I've found the bottom." in TTT:EE - Lithilien Quicksilver

Don't forget the final scene at the Green Dragon: I always laugh at the looks on Frodo's, Merry's and Pippin's faces when Sam goes over to Rosie. (And how clever of PJ to leave it to our imaginations as to exactly what Sam does!) - Nuroreiel

The Drinking Songs! Drunken Hobbits are always worth a giggle.
O, and let's not forget The Hobbit homecoming! Frodo's cheeky little wink at Mr. Proudfoot, love that!
And in the extended version of TTT, Merry's incredibly outrageously bored face as Treebeard recites yet ANOTHER poem to them!  -Avondster

Merry and Pippin's greeting of Theoden, Gandalf and company at Isengard. Too fun!  Also their conversation about the pipeweed in the storerooms when they first discovered it. - Primula



Here they are, some funny, some not - Alternate Endings We’re Glad Peter Didn’t Consider:

Fellowship of the Ring:

1.Bilbo keeps the Ring.

2.Omit the character Frodo and have Sam take the Ring instead

3.On the way out of the Shire, Frodo is eaten by Farmer Maggot’s dogs and Sam has to take the Ring.

4.The four hobbits are eaten by Old Man Willow.

5.Tom Bombadill takes the Ring and gives it to Goldberry for safekeeping.

6.At the Council of Elrond, Legolas and Gimli end up killing each other, Aragorn refuses to admit he’s the heir of Gondor and Boromir ends up stealing the Ring and running off.

7.The Fellowship goes by way of the Gap of Rohan instead of Carhadras and Frodo is captured by Saruman.

8.The hobbits freeze to death on Carhadras.

9.Gandalf doesn’t fall in Moria, but Aragorn does, Legolas ends up marrying Arwen and Faramir becomes King.

10.Watching Gandalf fall, the Fellowship all get shot down by Orc arrows.

11.Haldir shoots first and makes snarky quipps later.

12.Haldir refuses the Fellowship entrance to Lorien.

13.“Will you look into the mirror?” “No, I won’t be doing that, scary Elf-Lady…”

14.Galadriel takes the Ring from Frodo; Celeborn takes the Ring from Galadriel. Much screeching and hair-pulling ensues.

15.Lurtz kills Saruman for being annoying :)

16.Galadriel gives no gifts to anyone.

17.Gollum steals the Ring from Frodo as Aragorn and Boromir argue.

18.The Fellowship sails too far and gets swept down the Falls of Rauros.

19.Boromir takes the Ring.

20.Aragorn takes the Ring.

21.The Uruks succeed in capturing Frodo and destroying the Fellowship at Amon Hen.

22.Frodo stays with the rest of the Fellowship rather than going off on his own.

23.Boromir lives.(hides from Agape and Linaewen)

24.Sam drowns.(hides from SWG)

25.Aragorn decides he’s done all he can and waits out the Quest in Rivendell.

26.Sam does not go with Frodo.
- Mel Baggins

Unnecessary Middle-Earth Retail Ventures

My daughter and I came up with a list of not-so-great business ideas which various M-E individuals might consider while lost in the fumes of the Gaffer’s home brew. Here are some of them:


Bilbo’s Fine Jewelry–specializing in gold rings

The Denethor Memorial Family Counseling Center

“Master Manners”
etiquette advice column by Gimli

Saruman’s Excavation and Demolition Service

Middle-Earth Tourssess
Mr. Sssmeagol Gollum, Gollum, sssenior guide

Isengard FitnessWorks
We’ll Forge a New You!
now featuring personal trainer Grima Wormtongue

Nan Curunír Body Art
Unique Tattoos and Piercings

Sharku’s Watchwargs
Nothing gets past these puppies!

Merry and Pip’s Brew Pub (bad only because they’d drink up all their stock)

Minas Tirith Finishing School
Denethor Son of Ecthelion, Headmaster

Fortune Telling by Mrs. Galadriel

Luxury Living ? The Tower at Wizard’s Vale
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

Hair Stylings by Aragorn

Moria Banquets and Catering Try our famous malt beer and red meat off the bone!



...and some businesses which maybe wouldn’t be that bad....

The Dead Army Extermination Service
No Pest is Too Big for Us

Hair Stylings by Legolas

Bilbo Baggins Recoveries, Ltd.––You Lose It; I’ll Find It

R.A. (Ring Anonymous)
Frodo Baggins, director

Middle-Earth Tours
Aragorn Arathornion, senior guide

Elrond & Sons Fine Weaponry - for Discerning Rangers

Gandalf’s Fireworks

Hamfast’s Tater Stand

Gamgee Culinary Academy

Took’s Messenger Service Quick as a Bonfire!

Vingilot Lighting Fixtures
- Illumining Arda Since the Second Age

Reiki by Elessar

Fredegar Bolger’s House-sitting Service

The Four Travelers Produce Stand
Mushrooms Our Specialty
- Mrs. Frodo

Additions

Butterbur's postal and shipping service, it'll get there eventually. - sarahstitcher

Saruman T White, Inspirational Speaker and Jewelry Appraisal Agent. - Lothithil

Legolas Flying Circus. Specializing in Acrobatics. - Marigold512

Baggins and Gamgee Moving and Freight Co "We'll haul your burden anywhere and get it there on time! - elenna

Pippin's Palantirs - Can You See Me Now? - Old Toby

Eowyn and Merry's Exterminating Service- No Witch King to big for us to handle.- Belladonna Took


Greenleaf Sporting Goods--Custom Surfboards Archery and Oliphaunt Climbing supplies.

Gwaihir Airlines....We'll fly you where no one else will! 

Took and Brandybuck Salvaging-We specialize in water recoveries.
- Lindorie

Fangorn Lawn & Garden Care

Lonely Mountain Tax & Accounting Services, Mr. Smaug Presiding.

Oliphaunt Doo, Next time your lawn needs feeding, just Doo it!

Rosie's Diaper Service - let us Bag your little Ends.
- Primula


Top Ten Reasons Why Aragorn May Reconsider His Marriage To Arwen

10. She makes him take out the garbage.

9. Every couple of years she wants to redecorate Minas Tirith.

8. Lord Elrond always shows up unannounced anytime of the day or night saying “Do I need a special invitation just to see my daughter?”

7. Everyone really knows who wears the pants...ah...crown in the family.

6. He doesn’t get much sleep at night for she keeps waking him up and asking “Did you hear that noise downstairs? It could be a burglar so you had better take your sword with you when you go and check it out.”

5. She takes forever in the bathroom.

4. She never met a sale she didn’t like.

3. When he wants to smoke his pipe he must go outside.

2. Of all his friends Legolas is the only one she approves of and is constantly trying to find a wife for him.

1. She makes him wash his hair everyday.
- Dinledhwen

Top Ten Reasons why Arwen May Reconsider Her Marriage to Aragorn

10. His tendency to go wandering around the countryside aimlessly all the while protesting that he "isn't lost!"

9. He wears that same old outfit day after day after day after...

8. He always smells like a sweaty horse, which isn't bad outdoors but at the Official Banquet gets to be a bit much.

7. In spite of repeatedly being shown how to stay on top, he *still* leaves bootprints in all the pretty snow every winter.

6. He keeps closing all the windows to keep the pretty autumn leaves out of the room.

5. That annoying tendency to say really mundane things like "What's that smell?" in Elvish just so it sounds fancier.

4. He wrinkles. Ewww!

3. He talks to animals. Who does he think he is, Dr. Doolittle?

2. He has too many last names. It will take forever to sign a check for the grocer once she adds them to her own.

1. He's always in a hurry. What's the big rush? It's only a decade or two.
- Primula

Top Ten Director's Versions of the Hobbit we don't want to see

10. "Lord of the Rings Episode III: The Hobbit" by George Lucas

9. "The Last Temptation of Bilbo" by Martin Scorsese

8. "Hobbit Dragonslayer" by Matthew Robbins

7. "O Burglar Where Art Thou" by Joel and Ethan Coen

6. "Gandalf's Fourteen" by Steven Soderbergh

5. "Barrel Rider" by Clint Eastwood

4. "Lethal Burglar" by Mel Gibson

3. "Bilbo Baggins and the Lonely Mountain" by Steven Spielberg

2. "Kill Smaug: Vol. 1" by Quentin Tarantino


and the Director's Version we want to see the least









"The Hobbit" by Ralph Bakshi (please please noooooooooooo!)
- The Foe Hammer

Gimli's Top Ten Reasons Why You Never Toss A Dwarf
*This is dedicated to Dinledhwen who is always trying to find a new way to toss a Dwarf*

#10. It is not dignified.

# 9. He really likes to stay low to the ground.

# 8. You never know where they'll land.

# 7. He's afraid his shirt will fly up and everyone will see his tummy.

# 6. He's a tiny bit afraid of heights.

# 5. He's worried everyone will laugh at him.

# 4. He thinks if Dwarves were meant to fly, they would look more like
the Eagles.

# 3. He's a little self-conscious about his weight.

# 2. He doesn't want to look bad in front of the Elf.

# 1. It really hurts when his beard or hair gets pulled while he is
being saved from falling into an abyss.

 - Silivren Ithildin
Goods and Services in Middle-earth

I love Old Toby's shopping lists from Middle Earth . I find these lists good fun. It started me thinking about what goods or services could we find in Middle Earth.

1. Elven Hands of Rivendell for your curtains, drapes and household linens.

2. Gamgee and Sons Garden Designers. Give your garden a 'make over '. Choose a style that suits you from our range of: - Rivendell (Waterfalls), Lothlorien (tree houses), Rohan (wild life gardens/Prairies), Osgiliath (gothic ruins).

3. Elrond's Travel Agency, for holidays, quests and thingys - group bookings special rates.

4. Warg Security Systems--Frighten away the burglars. Have a Warg patrol your house/grounds. Warg 'guard dogs' make wonderful pets.

5. Baggins Lost and Found Agency: We leave no stone unturned to find your lost treasure. Up to date methods used including the 'Gollum' our latest metal detector for finding lost rings.

6. Earendel's House of Lights: Choose from our new imaginative range in Lighting for every area of your home; lamps, chandeliers and spotlights.
New in, a must have: The FRODO LAMP gets rid of spiders and all creepy crawlies.

7. When there's something strange in your neighbourhood/home who are you going to call? Aragon and Co. Ghostbusters. We will rid you of those spooks/ghosts! We send them on a holiday, quest, thingy and they are guaranteed never to come back.

8. Middle Earth Agents. FOR SALE: Desirable Estate, secluded behind vast mountain range and beautiful black gates for privacy, large tower in need of some repair, hot volcanic spring water. Comes with its own servants. Neighbours are said to be friendly. Would suit a one eyed person who is a Big Name in Middle Earth.
- Daisy Gold

Additions

 I always figured Gandalf would run the travel agency, especially for the Hobbits! - Lothithil

Personally I'd book a trip with Boromir's Whte Water Rafting Tour! - seansbeanie

Theoden and son horse trekking....
Lord of Gondor personal undertaker and creamatorium....
Tom Bombadil's Rescue Helicopter....
Lady Galadriel's Drama Queen Club....
Wormtongue's Personal Makeovers....
Gaffer Gamgee's Fish 'n' Chip shop...... The list goes on..... 
- Evermind
Movie Lines We Love to Hate

That's not the title I was going to use, but it was too good to waste.
When Gandalf says "It's as I feared" in TTT, it doesn't have the same ring as "I feared it was so" in the book.
Persnickity, but there it is. - Tarmiriel

If you want him, come and claim him.  ::shudder::  - Rosie

"Nobody tosses a Dwarf!"  ...Funny, but still a little cringe worthy. - Triba

"We have paid with many lives"-Theoden.  It's the way he says "lives" that makes me shudder. - Durin the Deathless

"A diversion." *cringes*  Why did the script writers have poor Legolas say that in the ROTK!? - Dinledhwen
Shudder. Yes, that one is definitely at the top of my list. - Avondster

Well I dont really hate any of the lines, but if I had to choose it would be....."Would you like me to discribe it to you or shall I find you a box" - elfstone1

"Gentlemen...let's hunt some orc!" - Anborn
Oh yeah. That line goes to the top of my list. Aragorn having his own little Rambo moment. - Heartland Hobbit

"It's sticky! What is it?" ... Ummm...DUH! That line has never worked for me. - Frodowannabe

Oh yeah, and #1 on my list:  "At last we understand one another, Frodo Baggins"
Based on WHAT??!!  Telepathy? A scene that didn't make it into the EE DVD? Does Faramir get chased by big ugly flying fell beasts too? What?What?What? I jus' doan' get it...  - Anborn
Yes, yes, yes!! The first time I heard it I had the very same reaction. And it still doesn't make sense. - Tahawus

"Then I shall die as one of them!" in Helm's Deep. Actually, it's not the phrase, it's the way he looks around afterward. Like, Oh, did you hear that? Oops!
Also, I hate it when Arwen speaks Elvish (not everytime, but the part where she says "Your place is with Frodo". Something about it makes me feel ill. As a matter of fact, I don't particularly care for the sound of the elvish except when Viggo and Cate speak it. Anyone else sounds...wrong, somehow. - Tarmiriel

"Looks like meat is back on the menu boys"  It's a cute line, but do orcs know what a menu is? I mean, do they have orc restaurants? - Goldberry

In the extended edition Gimli says something to the effect of "He's twitchin' because he's got my axe embedded in his nervous system"   Its so un-Tolkein-ish, and so not a line from Middle Earth, it's too much of 21st century coming through. The 'menu' line is another example of that. - TheLadyTinuviel

There is a moment in the Council of Elrond when Aragorn speaks, right after Boromir. I can't remember his exact words... but his voice is so high pitched after Boromirs, he sounds totally wimpy! Something like "He cannot wield it, none of us can" Not a bad line, but he sounds like he took in a mouthful of helium! - Rosie
I always wondered at that, too. I think Viggo must have had a cold that day, because he sounds so nasal and weird! My husband always makes fun of the "You can not weild it", and have to tell him to shut up because nobody makes fun of Aragorn! - Frodowannabe

Frodo: Go home, Sam.  Not! grrrrrrrrrrr - Lithilien Quicksilver
I really despise the scene when Frodo tells Sam to go home...that doesn't happen in the book! (does it???) and it makes Frodo seem so evil and hes just not! - Faye

"You have led us this far you have not led us astray" (Legolas-TTT)  *Yeulk!* - Durin the Deathless

Anything with or about Arwen.  Including the "hallucinating Elrond at Dunharrow" babbling about her fate being tied up with the Ring. pbbbbbbt!
And also Eowyn's "I am no man! HI-YAAAH! when she stabs the Witch King. Oh please... how I had longed to hear Tolkien's words there, without the martial arts noise... - Primula
The origional dialogue was so wonderful! Why'd they have to change it?! I mean, seriously doesn't "But no living man am I, you look upon a woman" sound just the tinsiest bit better than Eowyn kung-foo queen?  - Evermind

Galadriel: "One who has seen THE EYE!"  booga booga booga!

Another one that makes me cringe - Saruman of the Many Colours (though that part was never mentioned...) battles Gandalf in a sort of glorified wizard fisticuffs.
I have no problem with the fight, in spite of the whirl-a-wiz, but did he really have to do that "You have elected the way of PAIN" line? It sounds like something from one of those motivational posters:  "Team Work: Elect the Way of Pain"      - Primula

I think the only line that bothers me is when in ROTK at the end Frodo see Gandalf and goes, "Gandalf". the line itself isn't bad, but the way he says it. ick!  - Mrs.LGreenleaf
Ew yes! Yuk! Yuk! YUK!!!! Horrible, horrible corny sounding voice! The worst bit of dialogue ever, even including all Arwen's stuff. - Evermind

My least favorite line all of the comic banter Gimli has. "Don't tell the elf!" Puh-lease!  - Dr. Gamgee

What about the bit in FOTR, in the scene of Galadriel's mirror, and she says: "Will you look into the mirror?"
and then Frodo goes: "What will I see?"
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh!!! it gets me all the time! - Faye


Top Ten Birthday Presents That You Wouldn’t Want To Give To Legolas and Why

10. Binoculars – He’s DEFINITELY doesn’t have a problem seeing distances!

9. A Subscription to The Hair Club for Men – Yeah right. Whoever saw a balding elf?

8. A Bow With Arrows That Have Suction Cups – WARNING!! This could jeopardize your health!

7. Hair Ribbons – See the above warning.

6. An All Expense Paid Vacation to Go Spelunking – No doubt he would offer gold to be excused from this so if you’re looking to make some money…

5. A Clock – Time doesn’t mean anything to someone who’s immortal.

4. A Membership to a Gym – Pointless.

3. A Scale – Whoever saw an Elf that needed to lose weight?

2. A Gift Certificate to a Hair Salon – Useless. He no doubt knows more about hair then they do!

1. Éowyn’s Stew – Now this is just plain twisted!
- Dinledhwen

Ten birthday presents you wouldn't want to give Gimli:

10. A moustache-trimming and waxing set.

9. Rubber safety tips for his axe.

8. A nice, light salad with nonfat dressing.

7. A fillet knife. (What? You want it off the bone?)

6. Tanning lotion.

5. A gift certificate for a manicure.

4. A wood-burning kit. (This is useless! Hand me my chisel.)

3. A handy Pocket Guide to Elven Constellations.

2. A solar-powered flashlight. (Drat, it went out again - now I'll have to hike 25 miles back to the surface to recharge it!)

1. Hair-b-gone.
- Primula

Top Ten Gifts you wouldn't give to Orcs(or Uruks):


1. Charm school lessons

2. A makeover from the Queer Eye guys

3. An invitation to High Tea

4. The Miss Manners book

5. Any book

6. A toothbrush

7. Any dental supplies

8. Maggoty bread (hehe , sounds like they have plenty)

9. A tie

10. A world greatest boss plaque for them to give to Sauron .
- Empress JuJu


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