Alternate Endings for LOTR
(In no particular order, with varying levels of wit. :-)
What shall the tenth one be...?
1. Faramir marries Ioreth and settles down to raise their 13 talkative
children of quality. Sam Gamgee stays with them in Ithilien to do their
gardening, acting as bodyguard for the children.
2. The Travellers are arrested by Will Whitfoot for impersonation of
authorities and slapped into the Lockholes where they live out their
days playing checkers and writing long, strange tales about The Outside.
3. Arwen finally agrees with Elrond that she shouldn't marry a mortal,
so she marries Legolas instead and explores Fangorn Forest with him.
This arrangement allows Gimli to go back to the Lonely Mountain in
peace, which he does.
4. The eagles pick up the two wanderers in time, but continue on East
and eventually drop them off in Far Harad. After mourning Sam's
apparent loss, Rose Cotton marries Meriadoc and brings about extensive
overpopulation at Brandy Hall.
5. Eomer, not wanting to see her worn out with use and old age, refuses
to give permission for Eowyn to wed and instead promotes her to Head
Marshall for the Mark, where she serves happily for the rest of her
6. Saruman and Grima repent of their wicked ways and are welcomed into
the mixed community of Bree where they vastly improve Butterbur's
ale-brewing techniques and double the crop of pipeweed with improved
7. Pippin and Merry continue to grow, eventually surpassing even the
hobbit basketball teams. Frustrated by how much their extra-extra-large
hats now cost, they migrate to Gondor early and leave Sam (also called
"shorty") in charge of the new United Farthings For the Dwellings and
Agriculture of the Shire. (UFFDAS).
8. Gandalf and Tom Bombadil decide to collaborate on ruling Middle
Earth together now that the Elves and Sauron are finally out of the way.
9. Denethor, being deceased but having missed out on the whole Stone of
Erech routine, hangs around Minas Tirith and has spectral converses
with Aragorn. The King, seeing some advantage to the situation then
employs him in international subterfuge as an invisible spy.
10. (you fill one in)
After destroying the Ring, Frodo decides to shaft Aragorn and
King of Gondor himself, marrying Arwen who is delighted despite the
fact that Frodo has prettier eyes that she does. They have a large
family and keep Aragorn on as a nanny, due to his ability to pre-chew
food for the little ones!
Legolas and Gimli go back to their homes and pursade their folk to come
back into Middle earth and take over while the Men are still few in
number. Legolas becomes King of the Reunited Kingdoms of Elves and Men
and Gimli becomes his strong-arm sidekick.
Aragorn lets him have the crown and elopes with Arwen to Rhun, taking
along the hobbits to work in the vinyards.
Eomer moves to the Shire and marries Rosie, cause he actually doesn't
like horses very much.
Bilbo gets tired of waiting and steals
Elrond's ring, using it to hail a passing Eagle, with whom he explores
the rest of Middle earth, dropping in on his cousins occasionally for a
bottle of wine and to get more ink and parchment for his aireal maps.
Now that the ring has been destroyed, Galadriel
starts a franchise of fortune tellers shops - Dinledhwen
Top ten things I hate about PJ's version of ROTK
10. I can't decide my favorite part.
9. I can't step into the screen and be part of it.
8. I can't afford to spend every waking hour watching it.
7. There are all these other people in my way when I try to see it.
6. I'm a 38 year old man and if I keep crying like a baby I'm going to
get beat up one of these times.
5. It consumes me. I can't sleep, I can't eat or drink (for fear of
needing to go to the bathroom), so its kind of like the One Ring.
4. I also have borderline high blood pressure. This movie really should
have one of those warning signs like a roller coaster for the highs and
lows you hit!
3. Too much cool stuff for my tiny brain to process.
2. I have spent my whole life in Chicago, its unfair to make me long
again for a comfy hobbit-hole in the Shire, or at least New Zealand.
and the number one thing I hate about PJ's version is...
1. it ends.
- The Foe Hammer
Top Ten Things "That Orc" Looked Like
1. Sloth from the Goonies
2. The Elephant Man
3. A toasted marshmallow dropped on the beach.
4. Someone who pointed the insta-foam insulation can the wrong way.
5. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
6. A halloween pumpkin left out on the porch too long
7. A clay bowl made by a preschooler.
8. A flopped squash souffle.
9. A latex balloon left to slowly pucker and deflate.
10. That orange fungi that grows in a damp woodpile.
- Primula, with additional suggestions from others
10 Scenes We're Glad We Didn't See in ROTK
1.Sam sitting upon the rock, cuddling a curly hairball. He looks up at
the Eagles and Gandalf. "I'm sorry Mr. Gandalf sir - he slipped
and all I could manage to grab was his wig here."
2. Ethereal Arwen dashing about the Pelennor Fields kissing the wounded
back to life and Aragorn whether he needs it at the moment or not. "Agh
- get away! No, I am *not* hurt! Look, honey, you make a great door but
a rotten window... I have *enough* grace of the Valar for pity's sake!"
3. The Dead bursting into song and dance to celebrate Aragorn's offer.
4. Peter Jackson's children as cute, wide-eyed green Weta zombies.
5. A flashback to Shelob's youth, showing how she became the way she
was and ending with a heart-rending shot of her succumbing to a bowl of
kitty-treats from Sauron.
6. Faramir's amusing flashback of all the times he succeeded in put
tacks on Denethor's throne.
7. About every ten minutes, additional "Oh no, (character) is
dead! No he isn't!" moments.
8. Pippin and Merry roasting apples over the flaming palantir.
9. Legolas single-handedly wiping out all the enemies at the Black Gate
right before he shoots an arrow into the foundation of Barad-Dur,
knocking out a brick and bringing it all down. (Gimli: That still only
counts as one!)
10. Gollum's remorseful repentance and lauded heroism after he knocks
Sam and Frodo off the edge, and the tearful scene in which Deagol's
ghost grants his forgiveness at last.
A deleted scene from Osgiliath. The Witch King decides to throw Gothmog
to the front of the battle. He cries "Nobody tosses a Morlock" -
Really glad not to have seen the Rohirrim singing as they slaughtered -
"Row row row your boat, gently down the *crunch* stream, merrily
*thwack*, merrily, merrily *wallop* life is but a *whack! pound!
thump!groan!* dream" - Gimli's Goat
Elanor running out of #3 to greet Sam, followed by another cute Hobbit
child, and another... and another... and another... and another...
(Sam buried under toddlers, hehehe)
Comments Overheard at the Films
"Is he turning into the Grinch?"
- a woman as Smeagol transforms into Gollum
""Who is Gondor, again?"
- A girl, when Gandalf says to Pippin, "You have entered in the realm
"Is that a helicopter landing pad?"
- a woman when the courtyard of Minas Tirith is shown
"Become who you were born to be, Mr. Aragorn."
- a guy in his "Agent Smith" voice
"Yea, Merry's gonna get some!"
- a guy when Eowyn picks up Merry and says, "Ride with me!"
"Bet she wishes she'd stayed at home and done the ironing now."
- a man to his wife when there's a close-up of Éowyn's terrified
face before the charge at Pelennor
"Hey, that's not supposed to happen."
- a man when Frodo tells Sam to go home
"Hit him again... the lying $&$%&^%&%."
- a guy after Sam discovers the lembas and attacks Gollum
"Tell your sister, you were right about me!"
- a man after Eowyn says she must save Theoden and he replies, "You
"Oh he is so dead! Dad, is he dead? Hey he can't die."
- a kid when Frodo is stung by Shelob
- a girl when the folk are discussing how to draw Sauron's eye from
Frodo, and Legolas says, "A diversion."
"And it was all a dream! hahahahaha!"
- a guy when Frodo wakes up at the end of ROTK
"Why is no one hugging Sam? They haven't seen him for a while either!"
- a girl when the fellowship reunites
"Get a room!"
- a guy when Aragorn kisses Arwen
- a guy when Frodo shows Sam the book and says, "There's still room
left for a little more."
"Sam punched those kids out pretty quickly..."
- a guy
"I thought that would never end. Did it actually end? In fact, I think
I'm still watching it."
- a woman after ROTK
"Why didn't Frodo get to be King? That made me mad."
- a young girl to her friend
From the first two movies:
"You skipped page 33!"
- a guy as FOTR begins
"They must have rounded up every short person in the world for this."
- a guy as hobbiton is shown
"Why aren't they wearing shoes?"
- several moms when the hobbits are introduced
"You said they couldn't do magic!"
- Woman to her husband, who told her hobbits couldn't do magic, as
Bilbo puts the Ring on
"Haha, he turned him into a horse!"
- a confused gentleman after Gandalf says, "I've thought of a better
use for you, Sam," and the next shot has the wizard leading a horse and
saying, "Come along, Samwise. Keep up!"
- someone finishing Elrond's line when he says to Frodo, "Welcome to
"Cause I'm outta here."
- a girl finishing Elrond's line after he says, "One of you must do
"He is such a blonde."
- a girl after Pippin says, "Where are we going?"
- a girl when the cavetroll hits Frodo with his spear
"Dude, the old geezer bought it!"
- a teenage guy to his friends who weren't paying close attention to
the movie as Gandalf falls.
"Don't they brush their teeth? That's so unattractive."
- a woman commenting on the orcs
"What's he gonna do with an avon bottle?"
- a guy as Frodo is given the phial of Galadriel
"Not him, you idiot! Take the ugly dwarf!"
- a girl as Lurtz shoots arrows at Boromir
"Hello? No, I'm in the theater. I'm watching the Lord of the Rings,
girl. Can I call you back?"
- Woman answering her cell phone during the movie
"Hey? What the heck kind of ending was that?!"
- a guy as FOTR fades to black at the end
"NO! You are NOT DOING this to me!"
- a guy as FOTR fades to black at the end
"Well that was left open for a sequel."
- a lady as FOTR fades to black at the end
Girlfriend: "What? It can't end. They didn't reach the cracks of doom
Boyfriend: "It's a trilogy."
Girlfriend: "Oh, you mean they stole that Star Wars #$#@?"
- as FOTR fades to black at the end
"They're still barefoot."
- a mom as TTT begins
"I knew it from the beginning! There are two of them creatures. I've
noticed it, they're slightly different."
- a guy upon seeing Gollum talk to Smeagol
- a teenage guy upon seeing the Orc's head on a spear
"It's a western?"
- a woman when Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn ride off towards
"Sucks to be Rick."
- a guy after Eowyn says the wild men are burning rick, cot, and tree.
"Back off my man, *****."
- a girl as Eowyn smiles at Aragorn
"I see dead people."
- a guy when Frodo, Gollum, and Sam journey through the dead marshes
"Hey! Arwen's wearing a see-through nighty!"
- A young woman when Arwen appears in Aragorn's dream
"They said there was no sex in this movie!"
- Another woman when Arwen appears in Aragorn's dream, before walking
out with her 15 year old son.
- a guy when Frodo and Sam see Oliphaunts
"Couldn't keep your mouth shut, could you?"
- a guy after Theoden says, "Is this it? Is this all you can conjure,
Saruman?" and then the wall explodes.
"Run, forest, run!"
- a guy as the Ents decide to go to war.
"The sound is out. Hey, someone tell the theater people we have a
problem here! We've lost the sound!"
- Several people when Sam's voice fades out while talking to Frodo at
"He has to be talking about that Elf witch from the first movie!"
- A guy upon listening to Gollum say, "She might help"
- compiled by Celedor
Top Ten House Warming Items You Should Not Give To Frodo When He
Returns To Bag End:
10. Gold Napkin Rings
9. Gold Curtain Rings
8. Candle Rings
7. A Quilt made using the Wedding Ring Pattern
6. 3-ring Binders for storing his writing
5. Gold Towel Holder Rings
4. A Wind Chime made out of gold rings
3. Plates that are decorated with a single band of gold
2. 101 Ways to Fix Lembas Bread Cookbook
1. Mount Doom Lava Lamp
Additions by Onone:
11. A pet tarantula
12. Gold polish
Why Frodo left the Fellowship
10. He was tired of listening to Legolas and Gimli fight about what
race was the best
9. He didn't want to follow Aragorn's orders
8. Merry and Pippin can get REALLY annoying
7. He wanted to paddle an Elf boat
6. He was hoping to keep away from Gollum
5. He heard that Mordor was a good place for a tan but no one else
4. He was really sleep walking away
3. He heard the Uruk-Hai comming
2. Because 8 is not a lucky number
and the #1 reason he left the Fellowship
1. He heard Peter yell "LUNCH!" on the other shore
Ten Things Frodo Might have Heard, But Didn't
Gandalf: What, it's cursed and needs to be destroyed? I can't take it
myself, but I'd be glad to put it in a bag and send it off with an
Eagle for you.
Boromir: Boy, the Ring you have is sure calling to me. How about
I go ahead as a scout or something so I'm not so close to it?
Aragorn: Forget Merry and Pippin - the way those hobbit families
are, there'll be plenty more Tooks and Brandybucks were they came from,
but there's only one Ringbearer!
Gollum: Sssso sssorry we are, yes yes, sorry we bothered you. The
preciousss is yours, fair and sssquare.
Faramir: The Ring...will go to Gondor. Wait, was that my "out loud"
Sam: Sorry Mr. Frodo, this is my water-bottle, remember?
Pippin: Elrond's right, I'm too young for something like this. See you
when you get back!
Tom Bombadil: For going on a dangerous quest, Ol' Tom he is the Master,
and Tom he is a-doing it 'cause Tom, his feet are faster!
Galadriel: I think your quest is very, very, very important. I'll
send along a contingent of my best Elves to help you along the way and
shoot, I might even come along myself!
The Eye: *blink blink* Oh, nevermind. It's just a hobbit. Carry on.