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Contents of this page:
If Tolkien had written the Rings
Nine Reasons Why Bill the Pony
to Leave the Fellowship
Reasons why "Mellon" is a
Strange Word for Friend
10 signs my dog thinks I'm waaay
Top Ten Beatles tunes for the Fab 4
version of Rings
Top Ten Commerical Possibilities
Top 10 Items That Will Not be Sold in
Top Ten Names for the Orcs of
Top 10 ways Boromir could have
in the movie
Top Ten Beatles tunes for the Fab 4
version of Rings
Ten: Bilbo-the Long and Winding Road..
Nine: Elrond-We Can Work it Out..
Eight: the Crebain-Blackbird..
Six: Sam-Hard days Night..
Five: the Fellowship-Revolution 9..
Four: Gandalf in Moria-Let it Be..
Three: Legolas-the Two of Us..
Two: Galadrial-Norwegian Wood..
One: Frodo again-Carry that weight...
Top 10 Commercial Possibilities.
While I applaud their support through the DVD/test-drive program, I
never quite understood the connection between Kia vehicles and The
Fellowship of the Ring. At the same time, there were plenty of missed
opportunities for marketing tie-ins through product placement. Perhaps
we'll see some edited into the extended edition? (Apologies if some of
these do not play well outside the USA. Double apologies if some of
these do not play well outside my own twisted wit.)
10. The Old Gaffer checks his mailbox (ha!) and pulls out an invitation
to Bilbo's party. The telltale Hallmark crown insignia on the envelope
lets you know that wealthy hobbits care enough to send the very best.
9. At the Prancing Pony, "Mr. Underhill" attempts to pay for the drinks
with his Visa Check Card - which lists his real name. The card is
rejected, his cover is blown, and Strider pounces on him ("You draw far
too much attention...") before befuddled Barliman Butterbur can summon
8. As the Fellowship trudges up Caradhras, the camera zooms in on
Legolas' sure-footed walk atop the snow. The triple stripe design on
his footwear reminds you that Elves wear Adidas.
7. Preparing to trek through Moria, Gandalf deftly screws in a light
bulb atop his staff. The caverns are bathed in a soft white glow. The
General Electric logo makes a brief cameo.
6. "I'm hungry," Pippin complains, as Gandalf considers the three
passages in Moria. Aragorn offers him a lemba, baked with care by the
5. Meanwhile, Gandalf consults a Rand-McNally road atlas. "Ahhh! It's
4. "You shall not pass!" Subtle modifications cause the Balrog's head
to bear an uncanny resemblance to the Dodge Ram logo. (This spot
quietly paid for by the Ford Motor Company.)
3. "A lament for Gandalf," Legolas notes. In his hands he carries a
beverage. One cannot mistake the red label and contoured bottle of
Coca-Cola (official soda of Lothlorien).
2. We see the Uruk-hai slapping each other with white paint handprints.
We might as well see them dip their hands in the Sherwin-Williams paint
1. Wearing the One Ring to avoid Boromir's treachery, Frodo sees a
vision of the fortress of Barad-Dur. His gaze rises up, up, the black
tower until he sees, to his horror, the menacing eyeball of CBS.
Top 10 Items That Will Not be Sold in
1. Self inflating Watcher in the Water (for fun at bathtime)
2. Bill the Pony cuddly toy (we all should have one)
3. 7 pairs of big black cotton panties with a different character on
each (why aren't there 9 days in a week?)
4. Full hobbit costume.
5. Balrog wings to replace those naff angels wings bought for clubbing
8. Foot wigs. (do hobbits wear toe rings?)
9. Staples (for the less discerning)
10. Templates for LOTR tattoos (seriously)
If Tolkien had written the Rings today
We would see:
No evidence of smoking - bad bad bad - must be politically correct,
Galadriel's Web Cam.
Elves and Dwarves would be fighting in court instead of at the
Either Pippin or Merry or both would have been a girl.
Gimli would have been black or hispanic.
Legolas and Arwen would have had reverse roles in the story,
Aragorn would give a vindication speech at his coronation.
The Eye Of Sauron would have been represented as a microchip
in the ring.
Sam's character's profession would have been mill or factory worker
Bag End, Inc.
Tooks = Kennedys... think about it.
Rather than taking long walks through The Shire, Frodo would be best
known for his long periods online, surfing the web andchatting with
Random "don't do drugs" or "fight AIDS" message would have been
incorporated into the story.
The Ring would be silver and worn on the thumb... or be an
or a toe ring... or a nose ring... or a tongue bolt... or... well you
know it could go anywhere.
Reasons Why 'Mellon' is a Very Strange
Name for Friend
10) I keep imagining my friends are great big watermelons
9) Ahriell takes offence at being called a watermelon
8) Ahriell throws great big biege cushions at you when you call her a
7) When Ahriell throws a cushion at you it makes you fall off the chat
room bar top onto Saruman
6) Saruman, contrary to popular belief, does not make a good landing
5) Noone knows what the plural of 'mellon' is
4) Did I mention that I keep imagining my friends as great big
3) Valkyrie (or was it Primula) is able to turn the phrase "Namarie
Mellon" into "Never marry a melon!" or something very similar!!!
2) Although you can use "Namarie" in real life and still maintain a
certain degree of dignity, try using "mellon" while maintaining your
And the number one reason why "mellon" is a very strange name for
Did I mention that I keep imagining you all as great big watermelons!!!
Oh and special mention to Becki's suggestion that it implies your
friends are round and yellow!!!
Nine Reasons Why Bill the Pony was Glad to
Leave the Fellowship
1. He was tired of just getting the cores after Merry ate all of the
2. He didn't like the way Pippin started looking at him after they ran
out of tomatoes, sausages and nice, crispy bacon.
3. He was jealous of all the attention Frodo was getting from Sam.
4. He was tired of Sam taking things out of Frodo's pack and adding it
to Bill's baggage with a cheerful, "You can take a bit more, can't you
5. He was disappointed at Legolas' aloofness. Although Bill had heard
Elves were wonderful with animals, Legolas was too busy trading insults
with Gimli to whisper sweet things in Bill's ears.
6. He found it difficult to hide from the crebain from Dunland in the
scrublands of Hollin.
7. He didn't appreciate Boromir's brilliant idea of tying his shield to
Bill's tail and using the pony as a snowplow to get off the slopes of
Caradhras, as Boromir shouted repeatedly, "Gondor will see it done!"
whilst heaving the pony backwards through the snow.
8. He just knew Merry and Pippin were going to stir up some kind of
trouble throwing rocks in the water outside the Moria Gate.
9.He thought starving at Bill Ferny's was starting to look pretty good
compared to facing the long, dark of Moria. If Aragorn believed it was
no big deal for the pony to carry everyone's baggage for hundreds of
miles over mountainous terrain through blizzards and wolf attacks, but
thought the Mines of Moria "no place for a pony," it MUST be bad!
10. He wanted to talk to his agent to see why Fatty Lumpkin was always
getting the good jobs. - Rosie
11. He finally figured out the cruel joke Gandalf had played on him
whenever he slowed or faltered. Gandalf never intended for Bill to
reach the carrot tied to the end of that staff as the wizard walked in
front of him. - lonevoice
Well FotR might not have got all that we
wished for it at the Oscars but not many people realised on the same
night was another award show, The Orcsers. It's an annual award
ceremony for 'Films shot in New Zealand starring International casts
based on the writings of English authors and, needless to say, FotR was
tipped to pull off a whitewash this year. Here's a rundown of the
Orcsers FotR took home:
Unfortunately, I think the only one FotR didn't get was 'Best portrayal
of a Elf Queens' Husband'. Hopefully though, Viggo will get that one in
a couple of years.
- Best use of an apple in a comedic situation.
- Best beheading by a leading actor.
- Most innovative use of a giant squid.
- Nicest bedframe.
- Most potential for visene/optrex advertising contract.
- Largest feet/height proportion missmatch.
- Most arrows fired into one person.
- Best use of the word 'Longshanks' in a dramatic scene.
- Most painfull looking cheek scratch received by an Elven female
- during a dramatic and harrowing horse chase through dense pine
- also carrying a lead actor. (that was a close one though)
10 signs my dog thinks I'm waaay to into this
10. Someone else has to let him out at 3pm since the matinee isn't over
9. When I'm gone for 3 hours he has less time to mooch extra dog
biscuits from me.
8. He stuck his nose into my jacket pocket hoping for food crumbs and
only found movie ticket stubs.
7. I've told him that "yes, there is a dog in the movie but that's not
the reason I go" but he still thinks I'm cheating on him.
6. He doesn't understand that while it's OK for Saruman to have nails
long enough to require a manicurist, I make him get his trimmed.
5. I now adopt Gandalf's booming voice when I won't let him into the
carpeted room "You Shallll Notttt Passss". I think it's funny..... he
doesn't. I've told him we can chat when he gets over the
"accident-prone" phase he's going through.
4. I frequently call him "halfling" because he's small
3. I'd love to accompany the Fellowship on a long journey but when
we're walking I won't take the time to let him sniff every single blade
of grass, every tree, and every flower in the yard (the ringbearer
journey is shorter, trust me!)
2. He still can't understand why, after I'm familiar with the Hobbit
eating schedule of Breakfast, 2nd Breakfast, Elevensies, Lunch,
Afternoon Tea, Supper and Dinner that I still only feed *him* once per
1. I used to ask him "how's my favorite pointy-eared guy?" and now I've
gone back to " how's my favorite dog?" since Hobbits have pointy ears.
Top 10 ways Boromir could have survived in
10. If only Tolkien had written it that way
9. If he'd taken his shield with him
8. Faramir went to the council meeting instead of his brother
7. Galadriel had given him something more useful than a friggin belt
6. If Frodo had just given him the **** ring already
5. If Boromir had been wearing Mithril
4. If the company had just parked on the other side of the lake after
traveling down the river Anduin. I mean, they go to the right side
because Aragorn says orcs patrol the other shore during the day...but
then after the ensuing melee, Frodo and Sam get in their boats and go
over there in the daylight anyway
3. Pippin hadn't knocked the skeleton into the well, setting off an
entire chain of events...if Gandalf had been at Amon Hen, maybe he
could've done his Pointy Hat Trick
2. Aragorn had singled out Lurtz and killed him at Amon Hen
1. If I had been there to take the arrows for him
Top Ten Names for the Orcs of LOTR
10. Spurtz – Moria orc very ugly and soon headless.
9. Furtz – The deflating orc at Amon Hen
8. Hurtz – the Olympic Torch orc.
7. Squirtz – Orc coming out of the slime-pit.
6. Durtz – Tree-chopping orc who straddled the trunk and gets a
5. Yurtz – The nomadic orc who wandered off after the battle to pitch
4. Blurtz – The warg-rider who boasts of Aragorn’s demise.
3. Certz – The loudly breathing orc who shoots steamy orc-breath out of
2. Dezurts – Little known about him. Did not show up for the filming.
1. Flurtz – The orc who compliments Merry and Pippin on their nice legs.
How about Skurtz
- the scrambling Moria goblin with the huge eyes. - Durin the Deathless
And then there was Butz, the orc on the siege ladder at
Helm's Deep who mooned us as the ladder was being raised. -