Top Tens for the Dark Places of Middle-earth

Top Ten Things not to say in Shelob's Lair

"Yodel-odol-odol-odol-yay-hee-hoo!.... *listens for echo*"

"Look, if I run at the wall and jump, I stick!"

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty..."

"I can sound like a fly. Can you? Bzzzzzz!"

"You know, I used to have hams that hung like that back at home..."

"Hey, look! A rare arctic grebe!"

"Fly, you fool! Fly!"

"I sure hope we get there soon. All this walking is just sucking the life out of me."

"I hate caves, they always have bugs in them..."

"SOUS's? Spiders Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist."
- Primula


"this seems like a nice place to hang out." - Overlithe

"We haven't met any bad guys for a while, maybe we've got past them all." - Evermind

"Whomever lives here must have recently hung their laundry! Look! Eight little socks, all in a row!"

Frodo to Gollum: "When you said you'd get me on the web, I thought you meant the INTERNET!" - Frodosmiss

''Whoever lives here must have a sweet tooth. There's licorice and rock candy growing straight out' the walls!''
(all together now--eew-yuck-gross..!!.. ) .

''Can you hear me now?''  - Erech the Undead

"Look, I'd really like to continue our walk but I'm all tied up at the moment."

"And I thought my dustbunnies were bad..."  - Starflower & Primula

"Thank the stars there aren't any snakes in here. There's nothing worse than snakes." - Traevynn

Ten Things a Wraith Wouldn't Say

Do I look Ok in black?

May I please have that ring..i'm tired of looking for it.

You keep the ring Gold gives me a rash.

Black, black why does everything have to be black.

I need a vacation.

No, no my black horse is fine i don't want an upgrade to fell beast.

I don't believe in violence.

Do I have a lisssssspppppp?

sniff, sniff....Pardon me can I borrow a handkerchief?

What are we looking for again?
- Overlithe


One wraith to another: "Oh can the Dread Pirate Roberts routine already!"

As Aragorn comes at them with the torches: "If only we had a Holocaust cloak."

"Drat, not again! What did I do with that dagger? This is so embarrassing. Well, here, you, the short one, I'm going to poke my finger at you in a forbidding way and you fall down and holler, otherwise the rest will know!"

"I hate heights."  
- Primula

Favourite colour: Well, pink, but that's just for nightwear. I mean, it is the dark lord's army, and we do have to be in uniform... sigh... Just because Angmar was on the designing team and pink doesn't suit his complexion.....  - Evermind

"For the last time, I'm not a dementor, and I don't care if you've seen this Sirius Black guy." - Celedor

''We outnumber this brat 9 to 1. Can one of you blackhearts tell me how we lose?''

''Wraith or no Wraith, I've got a rump rash from all this riding''

''Hey, Morgul-head, I've got 50 on the blonde, you in?''  - Erech the Undead

Shire? I think I had a vacation home near there...

You....generic wraith #5 do you wanna take a picnic break?  It's so peaceful here.

Wraith upon meeting Gaffer Gamgee....Excuse me sir..would you have any grey poupon?

I smell Hobbits and one of them has cabbage....mmmm coleslaw, its been ages.

Best wraith voice...."Shire....cabbages".

Wraiths in a domestic dispute...."Would you stop your shrieking".

Wraiths at Buckleberry Ferry..."I would have had them but my horse got a splinter."  - Overlithe

"I've got to get a thicker cloak...I keep falling through my horse."

Sauron, post-Rivendell: "Eeeek! Naked wraiths!"

"Sigh - No matter how much I eat, I never seem able to gain an ounce."

"What do you say we just settle down and raise a family of wraithlets?"
- Primula

Couldn't we have done this in a festive Tartan or a flowing madras?

I know black is slimming, but we look like skeletons! Mauve would flesh us out a little more!

This is YOUR fault, angmar! If we hadn't had to wait in line to get that Potter Kid's autograph, we could have been to costuming before they had something besides a 86 Long!

You'de think that with an army of orcs, the lidless eye would see that we need someone to take after our train! And the thought of Grishnak as a flower-girl brings a smile to these lips . . . uh. . . .teeth.

(on the long flight from Mordor . . . )

Angmar, Angmar, Bo Bangmar
Banana fana Fo Fangmar,
Me, My Mo Mangmar,

or . . .

What idiot at Minas Morgul decided that "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" would be the best choice for the inflight movie?! We need a war movie! The Bridge over the River Anduin wuith Ernest Orcnine! Now THERE'S an inflight movie.   - Doctor Gamgee

You like my robe? I bought it at the Gap of Rohan.

Eeek! A spider!

I want my mommy!

What's the big deal? It's just a ring..

The Nine was our old name. We are now the Riders who were Formally Known as the Nine.

We just hired this great PR firm to help improve our public image.

My nose is itchy.  - mousechief

I'm not a completely evil...some parts are missing!

I wouldn't be caught dead wearing black

I don't suffer from diabolical, foul fiendishness. I enjoy every minute of it. - Daisy Gold

"Now run this by me again...we're taking orders from a giant eye?"

"Let's retire and move to The Shire."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEee! *cough cough*... hairball." - King Elessar

Selection of book titles from Saruman's desk in Orthanc

- Cadsuane

Top Ten Things "That Orc" Looked Like

1. Sloth from the Goonies
2. The Elephant Man
3. A toasted marshmallow dropped on the beach.
4. Someone who pointed the insta-foam insulation can the wrong way.
5. The Hunchback of Notre-Dame
6. A halloween pumpkin left out on the porch too long
7. A clay bowl made by a preschooler.
8. A flopped squash souffle.
9. A latex balloon left to slowly pucker and deflate.
10. That orange fungi that grows in a damp woodpile.

- Primula, with additional suggestions from others