Things LOTR Characters Would Never Say

by Primula with additions

Part I   Additions  Part II 
Additions from  Aatui, Beruthiel, Dinledhwen, Joyful, Shelob, Elethril, Gollum85, gustaf, Evermind Greenleaf,  Icarus, Indis, QueenBeruthiel’sCat, TrebleMaker,  Tori*Took, Lindorie, Lady of the Shire and pi.

Part I

Sauron: I wonder why nobody likes me?

Elrond to Frodo: Hey, cool Ring! Want to trade?

Glorfindel: It’s my horse. Nobody, but NOBODY rides him but me.

Treebeard: I’m sick and tired of trees. I want to go to the beach. Hoom.

Gimli to Treebeard: My axe? It’s for chopping firewood, why?

Sam at Cirith Ungol: Oh boy! I finally get a turn!

Galadriel: Are you kidding? No one comes in here but Elves. Toss the lot of them.

Any hobbit: Oh, no thank you! I couldn't eat another bite!

Sign on Bag End front gate: Come on in!

Sam to Galadriel: *raises eyebrow* A box of dirt. I don't suppose you've got any other rubbish you'd like me to take off your hands while I'm at it.

Tom Bombadil: Before you leave, my lads, Let me relate my life story, in case you have any questions-o.

Faramir: Ha! You fell for it! You halflings are so gullible.

Elrond: I don't know.

Frodo: It's a pity Bilbo didn't kill him when he had the chance.
Gandalf: Good point.


Gollum: Well, Precious, since you obviously don't return my affections, I think it's time for me to move on.

Aragorn: Anyone know where we are? I haven’t the slightest idea.

Frodo: You know, Sam, I really miss Lobelia.

Legolas: I’m so sorry Gimli, we Elves really have been untrustworthy, haven’t we?

Pippin: Actually, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't do this.

Sam: There's no way we'll ever get out of this, Mr. Frodo. Give up, we're doomed.

Gandalf: Well done, Pippin!

Eowyn: Boy am I glad us girls don’t have to fight in that yucky war. 

Denethor: Whatever you want to do is fine with me.

Arwen to the Nazgul: You want him? Okay.

Elrond:  I know, let's have Pippin go along with them. What harm could he do?

Gandalf to Saruman:  Nice place you have here! I bet the view from the roof is really something to see.

Sauron to Frodo: Oh no problem, I didn’t mind you borrowing it at all!

Legolas: Let’s linger here for a while.

Pippin: Be careful.

Saruman: One of the halflings carries something of great value, so be sure you don’t bother them.


Tom Bombadil: Enjoy your lunch, Old Man Willow.

Aragorn: On second thought, let's not go to Minas Tirith.

Boromir: The Ring? Oh, no thanks.

Tom Bombadil: Get out! This is private property!

Cirdan: Ship? What ship?

Gollum: Wow, that speech therapy really paid off, my precious.

Eowyn: Aragron and Arwen are SUCH a cute couple!

Denethor: Wow! That was a great idea to give the Ring to some halfling! I never would have thought of it! That Gandalf sure is smart!

Elrond: Let’s send Bilbo, he started this mess, he can finish it!

Gimli: Maybe I should shave...



Bilbo: Elves, shmelves. I'm staying in The Shire!  – Joyful

Shelob:  Please come in, I will prepare some tea for you both!  - Shelob

Arwen to Aragorn as they are about to kiss: Ugh, sweetie, take some tic-tacs or something.  - Elethril

Frodo to Sam (outside the gates of Mordor): Look, if we built this large wooden badger.. – Gollum85

Eowyn at Helm's Deep: " Aragorn will think I'm really brave if I dye Uncle's horse brown." - Beruthiel

Mouth of Sauron: Hmmm, I wished I had used that SuperFloss earlier... - Indis

From Evermind Greenleaf:

Legolas to Gimli: I need a change, what color is your hair? *dye red no.3?  I like it.

Denethor to Faramir: I always like you better than Boromir, he had such a temper.

Gollum to Sam: Yum, I do like fisssssssssh sssssssstew.

From QueenBeruthiel'sCat:

Boromir: Mordor? Yeah, great place! Faramir, Dad and I vacation there every year!

Frodo: You're late! Gandalf: I know, I'm really sorry, traffic was just awful!

Gwahir:  Fly to Mordor? What are you nuts? I don't care if we're going to rescue King Elessar himself, I'm not getting my feathers scorched for anyone!

From TrebleMaker:

Lurtz to Saruman: No thanks, I'm vegetarian.

Aragorn to Lurtz: Hey, thanks for getting rid of that troublemaker for us!

Galadriel: Does this aura make me look fat? 

Celeborn: Don’t interrupt, I'm not done talking yet!


From Tori*Took:

Gandalf:: You know Frodo, you’re  right...I should have left a little earlier...sorry to have kept you waiting! 

Frodo: Could I have some mushrooms?
Farmer Maggott: Sure! I'd be more than willing to give these away! 

Balin: HAHAHA! I fooled you all! I’m not really dead! I was just pretending! 

Aragorn to Arwen: You cannot give this to me!
Arwen: You’re right, what was I thinking!? 

Gandalf the Merry and Pip: You set those fireworks off? I never would have guessed!

Aragorn to Gimli: could I toss you over?
Gimli to Aragorn: Yes, of course!

From Lindorie:

Gandalf: I really hate short people, and this leaf is giving me a headache. And this scrawny grubby guy thinks he's going to be King? hahahahahahaha !

Gandalf:  heheheh I'm baa-aack!

Legolas: Anybody up for a game of dwarf-tossing?

Ringwraith: Ohh what a nice cozy fire! Can we warm up a bit?

Elrond: Take my daughter.....please!

Boromir: No way am I going back to that crazy old man! My dad's flipping nuts!

Aragorn to Boromir: Nyah, nyah, nyah...I'm going to be Ki-ing!

Frodo: (after watching Galadriel's transformation) Whoa! This is some freaky babe!


From Lady of  the Shire:

Pippin: What, another breakfast?  No thanks!

Sam: That Gollum is just such a dear little thing!

Gimli: Nothing I like better than a walk in the forest!

Legolas to Gimli: Ooh, let's go into that cave!

From pi:

Gandalf: (to Balrog) "No, after YOU!"

Denethor (to Gandalf): "Sure, Aragorn can be king, with my blessings!"

Nazgul Lord at the gate of Minas Tirith:  Can I come in please?

Fatty Bolger:  I wish I weren't so fat - I wish I were more wraith-ish!

From Dinledhwen:

Legolas to Frodo ~ Of course you can't have my bow!

Legolas to Boromir after the man had landed on him ~ Lose weight pal!

Legolas to Gandalf on the stairs ~ Don't jump!

Legolas to Aragorn after the ranger had returned from cliff diving ~ Show off!

From Icarus:

Peter Jackson (planning for Helm's Deep): back when I finished that Medieval Tactics Masters Degree, this is the way we did it...

Frodo: Hey guys, someone's coming down the road! Should we invite them to share some mushrooms?

King of the Dead: :cough::KAFF: Don't even try to escape. The chains are much too strong...

Aragorn at the Black Gates: Impossible! Maybe if I had a month to plan... but my sword, your bow, and his axe against 60 men? If we only had a wheelbarrow!

Faramir and Eowyn as the host rides out: Have fun storming the castle!

From Aatui, who has apparently been watching a certain show...

"Frodo to Sam (outside the gates of Mordor): Look, if we built this large wooden badger.. – Gollum85"

I have to say I love this one. How about these:

Sauron (once the ring has been destroyed): Come back, you pansies! I'll bite your legs off!

Legolas (to Gimli at the council of Elrond): Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Boromir (to Aragorn): What?! You think you can be king just 'cause some elf handed you a broken sword?

Frodo (when Boromir is trying to take the ring): Help, help! I'm being repressed!

From gustaf:

Elrond to Aragorn: Go ahead. You can take Arwen...I mean she means pretty much nothing but a nuisance anyways. I'm running out of money, you know; raising kids uses up a ton.

Eowyn: What?! Aragorn?? He is just sooooooo smelly. Ugh.

Denethor: I hate you Boromir...know why? Cause I have to have partiality and I love your brother, so that puts you way down.


Lines They Would Never Say: Part II

Gandalf on Caradhras: I must have something to work on. I cannot burn snow!
Sam: Well, we have this pony here - he ought to burn pretty well. And that would take care of dinner too! We could make a pretty good sauce for him out of that miruvor - Whaddaya say?

Eowyn: No longer do I desire to be a queen.
Faramir: That is well, for I am not a king.
Eowyn: What the heck are you anyway?
Faramir: A Steward.
Eowyn: Forget it! I may have gotten over wanting to be a queen, but no way in creation am I going to replace it with being a Stewardess!

Aragorn: I would ask advice from fair Ioreth, if we could get her to speak, but she never makes a sound!

Gandalf: Think you that Wormtongue had poison only for Theoden's ears? He obviously had some for his nose as well!

Merry: As a father you shall be to me.
Theoden: No thanks - I already have enough children to deal with.

Gimli: I will go with you even on the Paths of the Dead, and to whatever end they may lead.
Legolas: Are you out of your mineral-addled mind?! No way am I setting foot in that hole!
Gimli: Hmmmph. Well, if you're not going, neither am I!
*turns around and stumps back down the mountain*

Gandalf: Gollum still has some part to play. I am just so tickled to hear that Frodo has him for a guide! Isn't that just wonderful news?

Lobelia to Lotho: Wasn't that just the sweetest gesture of Bilbo's, to leave everything to Frodo? What a wonderful family we have!

Farmer Cotton to Ruffian: You aren't wanted here.
Ruffian: *tears in eyes* Oh, I'm so sorry! We had no idea! We'll gather up our things and go, right away. Let us know if there's anything we can do to make up for it.

Merry: Are you going to bury me?
Pippin: Well, sure! I mean if you really want me to. You do kind of stink and all. Got a shovel?

Frodo: I'm thirsty, Sam.
Sam: Tough luck, Mr. Frodo - this water bottle is mine, remember?

Haldir: Welcome to Lothlorien! It's so good to see a dwarf here - we haven't had one in ages! Come on in!


Goldberry: You are still afraid, perhaps, of mist and tree-shadows and deep water, and untame things. You're pretty smart cookies.

Treebeard: Hurry up, you slowpokes! Hoom!

Frodo: Go back, Sam! I'm going to Mordor alone!
Sam: Of course you are - you wouldn't catch me going there - nuh-uh, like, no way! What do you take me for, an imbecile?

Pippin: What about breakfast?
Aragorn: You've already had it.
Pippin: But what about second breakfast?
Aragorn: Oh, right! Is it that time already? Here let me help you shake out that tablecloth.

Hob Hayward: Isn't it great how Sharkey's men took away all that pipeweed? So sweet of them to help us kick that nasty habit.

Eowyn: (waving goodbye to the departing army)Don't worry about me! I'm going to bake cookies, crochet doilies and redecorate while you're off at that boring old war. Have fun!

Sam: You know, Ted Sandyman was right. You are cracked, Mr. Frodo.

Denethor (looking at Faramir): Oh, it's just a little fever. He'll be fine.

Aragorn: What's it called? Why would I call it anything? - it's just a sword.