Contents of this page:
Top Ten Ways to Avoid the Real World
The top ten reasons Prim rocks
Top Ten Bizarre Things Overheard in the Prancing Pony
Top Ten Reasons Why It Rocks That Arrarat's Back!
The top ten ways to tell that you've been spending way too much time on the Lord of the Rings Fan Club Message Boards.
Top Ten Ways To Tell if Someone is Really an Orc
The Top Ten Signs You Might Be Obsessed With Legolas
Top Ten Lines That Should Have Been in the Movie
Top Ten Ways to Tell That You're REALLY Spending Too Much Time on the Message Boards
Top Ten Signs That You Might Really Be a Hobbit
The Top Ten Reasons to Go See FOTR
The Top Ten Things We Would Have Liked to See Included in the Movie
The Top Ten Things to Do While Listening to the Soundtrack
Top Ten Reasons Ararrat Needs to Get Better
The Top Ten Ways to Start a Debate on the Boards

Top Ten Ways to Avoid the Real World

10. Go live in Rivendell and work on your book.
9. Buy a bow and some arrows; patrol your local park, and stop passers-by, saying with contempt, 'You breathe so loud I could have shot you in the dark!' (then run when the police show up.)
8. Drift about your neighbourhood, looking melancholy, wearing an Arwen pendant, and singing 'May It Be' at the top of your lungs. (then run when the police show up.)
7. Eat yourself into a coma in an attempt to become more hobbit-like.
6. 'Borrow' Shadowfax and race away over the plains of Rohan.
5. Hide in the bar fridge with Gimli. Eat pintsicles, sing dwarvish songs, and discuss how pretty Galadriel's hair is.
4. Go live in Rivendell and wait for Boromir to show up so you can pounce on him!
(or another of the Fellowship, if preference dictates.)
3. Learn summoning spells, and shout them off your balcony, looking about hopefully for Gwahir.
2. Go to an Ent-Moot. Ask them to read 'War and Peace' aloud to you.
1. Hang out on the boards! Encourage silliness, fun, poetry, friendship, and general debauchery.

- Goldberry

The top ten reasons Prim rocks:

10. Awesome seedcake maker!
9. Ability to dodge flying ketchup and mustard and goo at the Pony with elven grace.
8. Wears mumu with panache and flair!
7. Doesn't break windows during kareoke (unlike Goldberry).
6. Ability to be on the boards at all times, and still have a successful career and home!
5. Newbie Herder Extraordinaire.
4. Newsletter Contributor Extraordinaire!
3. Able to have intelligent conversation with MithrandirCQ or Doctor Gamgee without sounding like idiot (unlike Goldberry)
2. Retains sense of humour and razor-sharp wit even when being splattered with goo, attacked by cave trolls, and hit by flying sponges.
1. POETRY WHICH TOTALLY ROCKS! (and impresses Howard Shore, sounds like!!)

- Goldberry

Top Ten Bizarre Things Overheard in the Prancing Pony

10. There are many magic blenders in this world, but none of them should be used lightly!
9. Oh, that's nice! Goo on my mumu!
8. Will somebody PLEASE oil Legolas' exercise wheel before I go mad??
7. One bar towel to serve them all, one bar towel to wipe them, one bar towel to sop up goo, and to the barstool bind them!
6. It comes in pints?? (accompanied by rumble as all patrons rush the bar)
5. The sponging goes on and ever on, down from the thread where it began..
4. Dude...where's my Pintsicle?
3. Sam, I'm glad you're with me. (quotes from Rosie:)
2. I am a servant of Sauron's Secret Blue Goo! You shall not pass! (while banging mop on the floor)
1. Dude, where's my backpack/hobbit satchel? (accompanied by rumble as all the ranks of the Frodo-mad rush for the hobbit)

- Goldberry

Top Ten Reasons Why It Rocks That Arrarat's Back!

10. No one else looks QUITE that good in a mumu.
9. Now the girls of the Pony get to practice their sponging skills again!
8. Freedom from the Nassssty Nurzguls!
7. I've finally read 'Spatial Physics for Dummies', and am ready for more complex scientific posts!
6. Another Galadriel drooler to even out the Fellowship board. ;)
5. We were getting overstocked with bacon and mushrooms!
4. Someone else to keep OldGaffer company at his mailbox!
3. I can finally blow out this candle, now that it's a puddle of wax on my computer desk. :)
2. The whole darn place just seems brighter somehow!
1. Because he's Ararrat, and he's our favorite hobbit, and it just wasn't the same at all with him gone!!
- Goldberry

The top ten ways to tell that you've been spending way too much time on the Lord of the Rings Fan Club Message Boards:

10. You've forgotten what the sun looks like, and your skin is starting to look a little Gollum-y.
9. You haven't eaten in two days, and don't care.
8. A friend tells you a joke, and you respond by saying: "R.O.T.F.L.".
7. You are now able to quote verbatim from the Silmarillion without looking anything up.
6. "Sleep is for sissies!" has become your proud battle cry.
5. You can't smile at people in the 'real world' without tipping your head sideways first. :)
4. Your friends 'on the board' are starting to feel more real than those 'in the real world'.
3. You suffer aching pangs of intense envy every time someone else announces that they are 'going to see It tonight!', even though you've seen it one hundred and eleventy times yourself.
2. You are developing frontal lobe tumours from hunching to close too the monitor, and don't care.
1. You find yourself stroking your keyboard and hissing, "My Precciousssssssssss....."
- Goldberry

Top Ten Ways To Tell if Someone is Really an Orc:

10. "What's that funnny smell.....?"
9. Their name is Graknukh the Smasher...Smith.
8. They have a White Hand emblazoned on their briefcase.
7. You catch them salivating over pictures of hobbits. (Oh my, this one is a little too close to home for comfort! See Fellowship board if you want to meet some orcs.)
6. They are devotedly loyal to the boss only because he has promised them "You shall eat man-flesh!"
5. They go to the movie, and fall flat on their faces and grovel every time the Eye of Sauron appears.
4. There are altogether too many words ending in "uk" in their vocabulary.
3. Their lunch looks as though it's been sitting out about two months too long.
2. Their name is Graknukh the Grinder...Jones.
1. They don't like Lord of the Rings!
- Goldberry

The Top Ten Signs You Might Be Obsessed With Legolas:

10. When someone irritates you, you wait until they turn their backs, and then dart to your feet with elf-like grace and shoot phantom arrows into their back.
9. You find yourself stroking the dashboard of your car and whispering, "Noro lim, Arod!"
8. You've taken to braiding the sides of your hair, and will only smile mysteriously and giddily when someone asks you why.
7. His action figure has its own little pillow on the other side of the bed.
6. You've taken to hanging out with people of dimunitive nature who carry axes and speak in gruff Scottish accents.
5. Against all your family's best advice, you've been sleeping in a tree in the back yard since the movie came out.
4. You become endlessly mired in snow drifts by trying to dance lightly across the top of them, elf-fashion.
3. When introducing yourself, you add, "..son of Thranduil" at the end, even if you're female.
2. You find yourself nodding and smiling and muttering, "ExACTly!" while reading TO Elf's posts on the Fellowship board. (With many apologies to the most excellent and elf-obsessed TO Elf! ;)
1. Against all your doctor's best advice, you have started to file your ears into points.
- Goldberry

Top Ten Lines That Should Have Been in the Movie:

10. "Now, calm down, girls, before you give yourself a heart attack." Legolas, adressing the camera, just after his first appearance.
9. "I'm so hungry that I'm going to eat that darn Ranger soon, if he doesn't let us stop for second breakfast." Pippin, to Merry, accompanied by the song of a growling stomach.
8. "Ha HAH!" Gandalf, turning Sam into a newt after catching him droppin' eaves.
7. "Not nearly frightened enough! I'm not going to comb my hair ONCE for the remainder of this movie!" Strider, spoken with a wicked look, to Frodo in the Prancing Pony.
6. "I care not.....PSYCH!" Boromir, leaping for the Ring up on Caradhas.
5. "Errrr...okay!" Lurtz, leaping for Saruman, just after Saruman has promised the Uruk-hai that they will have man-flesh.
4. "Na na na na boo boo!" Arwen, to the Nazgul, while sticking her tongue out and squinting up her eyes saucily.
3. "Do not meddle in the affairs of Balrogs, for you are all crunchy and would taste good with ketchup." The Balrog, to the Fellowship.
2. "Dude...where's my staff?" Gandalf, to himself, after being rescued from the top of Orthanc.
1. "Oh, for goodness' sake! They ARE that blue. Now get over it, already. Ooh...that girl in the second row....with the Frodo Lives she okay?? .....Help! Help!" Frodo, adressing the camera, just after his first appearance. (This version heard only in theatres where Goldberry attends the movie.)
- Goldberry

Top Ten Ways to Tell That You're REALLY Spending Too Much Time on the Message Boards:

10. "..And Whether Balrogs Have Wings" debate: endlessly fascinating!
9. You walk around singing, "..Elrond is a big girls blouse!" to yourself, and then frighten people by bursting out into peals of crazed laughter.
8. You are now dreaming in posts.
7. When asked gently if you might be getting off the computer soon, you get a dangerous gleam in your eye, and start muttering, "I am a servant of the secret fire..."
6. People's eyes start to glaze over the second you launch into your explanation of how Elvish is really quite closely related to Finnish...
5. You are exhausted, but wake up early and can't go back to sleep, as you keep thinking of new additions to your next Top Ten List. Augh!
4. You are really starting to believe that, if you ever met Elijah Wood, he would be completely entranced by your charm and wit. (See above post re: becoming delusional due to lack of sleep).
3. When asked how your day was, you confuse and alarm people by saying things like: "So, then, TO Elf was like, totally sponging out! Ha ha! And then Ghostwood posted back....ha, what a thread!"
2. You have made plans to spend time with your best friend, whom you haven't seen in a week, and you are secretly and guiltily calculating how many hours that you'll be away from the computer. (However, the night is certainly bound to be made bearable by the fact that she thinks "that Frodo guy is totally hot!")
1. When asked gently if you might be getting off the computer soon, you totally 'Bilbo out', fangs and all!
- Goldberry

Top Ten Signs That You Might Really Be a Hobbit:

10. You think that diets are the work of dark forces from the East
9. Before 'swimsuit season', you have to make an appointment to get your feet waxed.
8. You have your family tree memorized up to third cousins nine times removed.
7. Much to the distress of your family, you have begun to tunnnel underneath your house. "A new wing!" you call it.
6. You call your best friend 'Samwise' even though her name is Elizabeth.
5. You pretend your local Safeway's is Farmer Maggot's field, and are then arrested for shoplifting after a sharp-eyed employee notices several cabbages stuffed into your shirt.
4. You start a petition at work for an extra break (dratted boss doesn't know about second breakfasts!)
3. The bigger the glass that holds your beer, the better!
2. You've taken to gazing westward, and sighing wistfully for the Shire.
1. The trail left behind you of bread crumbs and cake crumbs and apple cores and empty pint glasses and more cake crumbs and...
- Goldberry

The Top Ten Reasons to Go See FOTR:

10. In a vain attempt to put this 'smurf' business to rest, once and for all.
9. To gather more material for your (please tick one)
8. To drag all your (however unwilling) friends along, in an an ongoing attempt to convert the rest of the world to the LOTR addiction mania. (In your best Borg imitation, all together now: "Comply!!")
7. To annoy all the people sitting around you, by waiting until Pip says, "Merry, I'm hungry!" and then mumbling, "So are all those who live to see such times"...while giggling crazily to yourself.
6. To drown in the immeasurable depths of Those Eyes (whoops, personal confession-type things sneaking into the Top Ten again).
5. The Arraatololicism made me do it! ('nuff said.)
4. To test the very outer limits of your bladder control.
3. To laugh, to cry, to hope and fear, and, for a few brief precious hours, to immerse yourself in Middle Earth and feel it wash over you like a glorious tidal wave.
2. Boy, those theatre hot dogs are awesome, aren't they?
1. It makes the twitching stop, even if only for a little while. :)
- Goldberry

The Top Ten Things We Would Have Liked to See Included in the Movie:

10. Even 20 seconds worth of Tom Bombadil, just so people would get over it already.
9. An expanded role for Albert Finney's character (more belching?)
8. The famous 'Legolas runs through Lothlorien naked' scene.
7. Any reference to sponges, no matter how obscure.
6. Frodo stabbing the Witch King in the foot at Weathertop. (Okay, I'm obsessed!)
5. The famous 'Frodo runs through the Shire naked' scene.
4. Sauron muttering, 'Dude, where's my ring?' just after Isildur's mighty stroke with Narsil.
3. Elves dancing in sequined underwear in the background of the Council of Elrond.
2. The famous 'Nagzul in spotted pink mumus' scene.
1. Another three hours worth of film---more, more more of glorious everything!
- Goldberry

The Top Ten Things to Do While Listening to the Soundtrack

10. Dart furtively about the house, clutching a small golden ring, and screaming whenever you run into a 'Nazgul' (ie, family member or pet).
9. Put "Concerning Hobbits" on repeat, and then sit down and eat everything in your fridge. Explain to your family, "Bilbo made me do it."
8. Before leaving the house, put on the soundtrack, and then screech, "Quick! Bucklebury Ferry! Follow me!" and pretend to leap over imaginary obstacles while fleeing your home in terror.
7. Put a canoe in your living room, paint it in Elvish designs, and pretend to paddle, while gazing up in awe at your poster of the Argonath.
6. During 'The Bridge of Khazad Dum', chant in dwarvish loud enough to shake the windows and terrify your neighbours. Bang an axe on the floor while you chant, for emphasis.
5. Stand on your balcony, catching moths and whispering instructions to them in strange tongues. Ignore the stares of passers-by.
4. Cry unconsolably during "A Lament for Gandalf". Walk around the house banging your head against the walls and sobbing, "Why? WHY?" Refuse to explain your actions. Say, "The grief is still too near," and continue.
3. Forgetting that you certainly are NOT Enya, crack all the windows in your place by warbling along to 'May It Be' at the top of your lungs.
2. Turn an empty fishbowl upside down, and gaze into it for long periods of time. Then explain, "Sauron made me do it," when asked why you are breeding an army of goblin men in the basement.
1. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Be swept away to the beauty and majesty of Middle Earth, and walk a while with your friends of the Fellowship once again.
- Goldberry

Top Ten Reasons Ararrat Needs to Get Better:

10. No one else wears a mumu with Ararrat's particular panache.
9. It's better to get a sponge bath figuratively in the Prancing Pony than literally in a hospital bed, no matter how nice the nurzgul.
8. In order to write more brilliantly inspired Top Ten Lists!
7. In order to write more brilliantly inspired posts about physics that confusle the heck out of poor Goldberry!
6. TTT! *Homer Simpson style drooling!* Dude, where's my bib?
5. ROTK! *more Homer style drooling!* Dude, where's my bib??
4. The numbers in FOTR attendance are dropping, and we need him to help get our baby back into first place!
3. The numbers of smurfs invading the message boards are increasing, and we need him to help get the place clear of them again!
2. We have an overabundance of mushrooms, tomatoes, sausages, and nice crispy bacon here at the Pony, and we need a nice hobbity character to help, ahem, 'tidy' it all away. :)
1. For the sake of his lovely family! And, less important, but still a very very good reason, for the sake of his 'other' family, all of us here in the electric plains!
- Goldberry

The Top Ten Ways to Start a Debate on the Boards

10. "I don't see what all this Legolas business is about. I mean, Orlando Bloom can hardly be considered a good-looking guy, right?"
9. "Those MithrandirCQ and Redbeard chaps, they really have no clue about Tolkien, do they?"
8. "PJ utterly ruined the movie by omitting Tom Bombadil. Comments?"
7. "Elijah Wood is *SO* wearing blue-coloured contacts! I mean, really!"
6. "The Official Gollum Swooning Thread: Honk if you love slimy skin and bony fingers!"
5. "'They come in pints?': arguably the most UN-funny line in the film. Pippin needs to get a humour transplant."
4. "Lord of the Rings film: As boring as watching paint dry."
3. "Lord of the Rings film: As irritating as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas."
2. "That 'Rosie moderator' character---she's really mean!"
1. "The hot dogs being served in theatres showing LOTR? Most atrocious excuses for preserved meat I've ever had the misfortune to taste!"
- Goldberry

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