The Foe Hammer's Top 10 Lists

Contents of this page:
Top Ten LOTR names people might never choose
10 things that might be different today if the 3rd Age didn't end after the ring's destruction
Top Ten Things Tolkien would say to "Ringers" if he were alive today
Top Ten Things Ringers Do/Did at Movies that Annoy Non-Ringers
Now the Opposite - Top Ten Things Non-Ringers do that annoy Ringers at the movies
Top Ten Versions of LOTR I would hate.
Top Ten Scenes We Don't want in the extended TTT DVD
You Know You are a Geek When

Top Ten LOTR names people might never choose

10. Nosebag of Shadowfax (the real-life inspiration for this list)

9. Orc's Toejam

8. Shelob's Spittle

7. Sauron's Truss (OK maybe I'm used to that one by now.)

6. Rohan Pooper Scooper

5. Hobbit's Shoe

4. Saruman's Manicurist

3. Wormtongue's Foot Masseuse

2. Fangorn Lumberjack

and the number one LOTR name people might never choose.

1. Gollum's Dentist


Hobbit's Muddy Toes
Glue Factory of Rohan
Grima's Hairbrush
Grima's Lost Shampoo - Camellia Took
Smaugbreath - little elf
Grima's Toothbrush
Flying Orc Guts - Rosie
Aragorn's Fingernail Brush
Grima's Hankie - Lizmybit
Cram - Primula
ShireMathom - auntkimby35
Frodo's Bane
Sauron's Lapdog
Bride of Melkor - Mel Baggins
Bootlicker of Men
Mewlip - Lothithil

10 things that might be different today if the 3rd Age didn't end after the ring's destruction

10. There would be a Hobbit anti-defamation league whose charter would prevent us from referring to them as halflings and posting "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Service" signs.

9. Elves would be an elite class of landowners due to their long life. To punish them for this the government would create a longevity tax that increases the percentage you pay based on each century you are alive.

8. The tobacco companies would be the target of a Hobbit class-action suit for the harmful addictive properties of pipeweed.

7. All public services would be bilingual, (Elvish and Human that is).

6. Arbor Day would be taken a LOT more seriously.

5. There would be a neo-Sauron group trying to prove that the ring never existed and there was never a plan to rid the world of men and elves.

4. The Kentucky Derby would always be won by a Rohirrim jockey riding a descendant of Shadowfax.

3. All currency would be based on the Mithril standard.

2. The Olympics would have several new events; Smoke-Ring Blowing, Dwarf Tossing, and the Palantir Put.

And last but not least.

1. Aragorn's secret files would be released after a seven year holding period in which we learn that he had never heard of Isildur until Gandalf became his campaign manager and speech writer.

-    The Foe Hammer

Top Ten Things Tolkien would say to "Ringers" if he were alive today.

10. It was a BOOK. Get a life! (plagiarized somewhat from Shatner and Star Trek)

9. Who saves Frodo in the woods? Arwen? Next thing you know you're gonna tell me she is at Helm's Deep with Aragorn.

8. I am unsure what this Message Board thing is. But it sounds more difficult to stay away from than anything Sauron ever created.

7. New Zealand! Sure that's what I had in mind. (no offense, TFH loves it.)

6. Someone told me that 3500 copies have been made of The One Ring and people are clamouring to buy them. Don't you get it, the plan was to get rid of the thing.

5. OK, I know you all HAVE to know, so I will dispel the rumor, my bathtub is not shaped like Galadriel's Mirror, so stop trying to break in for a picture. Mrs. T is starting to get very embarassed by your sudden visits.

4. Yes I agree, Orlando makes a very "cute" Legolas, but stop asking me for his phone number, I really don't know it.

3. No, I am not going to write another trilogy. I could not stand the criticism from the Tolkien purists. Imagine, telling me I had strayed from my own original intent.

2. Whoever keeps scratching the runes on my door, just stop! I get it, its not funny, and paint is expensive.

and finally....

1. Yes, its a great movie, but nowhere in my notes does it say that Peter Jackson is a Maiar. I am not modifying the Silmarillon, so stop asking!

- The Foe Hammer

Top Ten Things Ringers Do/Did at Movies that Annoy Non-Ringers

10. Singing along to "The Road Goes Ever On and On"

9. They are so entranced, they never let anyone out of the row to go to the bathroom.

8. Genuflecting and making the sign of the cross before they hear "The Gospel according to JRR Tolkien and Peter Jackson."

7. Whispering after the Balrog pulls Gandalf over, "Don't worry, he'll be back in the next movie."

6. Ordering their popcorn in Quenya.

5. Those costumes! I am sorry but do you really need chain mail and a battle-axe to get the "full effect" of the movie.

4. They have to stay and watch ALL the credits. If you are wondering why this is a problem see bathroom note mentioned earlier.

3. Whenever someone onscreen recites "One Ring to rule them all..." they recite it in Mordor language, "Ash Nazg..."

2. Re-enacting the Moria fight scene in the lobby. "Come on guys, people would like to get to their cars without wounds from the Glamdring and Sting replicas."

And the Number One

1. Kept shouting, "wait a minute who's this chick, and where's Glorfindel?"

- The Foe Hammer

Now the Opposite - Top Ten Things Non-Ringers do that annoy Ringers at the movies

10. Moving.

9. Keep calling Saruman "Sauron".

8. At the end of the movie, start complaining, 'That's it, what is this like a "to be continued..."'

7. Call Gandalf, "that old guy who dies."

6. Leave to go to the bathroom or during the credits.

5. Ask, "How come the screen gets all blurry when Frodo puts on the ring?"

4. Say, "I hear this is exactly like the book."

3. Complain about the movie being 3 hours long. (We could watch an 8 hour movie for each book.)

2. Say that they wish Arwen would have a bigger role.

And the number one...

1. Compare it to Harry Potter.

- The Foe Hammer

Top Ten Versions of LOTR I would hate.

10. An Interpretive Dance Version.

9. A Rap Version

8. The Beatles in "Frodo and Friends"

7. Frodo: First Blood Part

6. Walt Disney presents, "The Lord of the Rings".

5. Pee Wee's Big Adventure in Mordor.

4. The Riders of Rohan (a western starring John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Kirk Douglas)

3. "The Ring" a Motown musical.

2. Nightmare on Bagshot Row, Freddy moves to Hobbiton.

and the version I would hate the most

1. Rogers and Hammerstein's, "Middle-Earth"
- The Foe Hammer

Additions, by Anborn1:

13. Moulin Middle Earth, exploring the love between Arwen, a cabaret dancer, and Aragorn, a would-be king, through pop music

12. LOTR: The Good Fellaship, featuring Bobby De Niro as Aragorn and Joe Pesci as Frodo

11. Enemy at Helm's Gate - a story of kinship, camaraderie and competition between and Elf and a Dwarf, against the backdrop of an army of Uruk Hai

Top Ten Scenes We Don't want in the extended TTT DVD

10. Arwen slipping into full battle armor and joining up with Haldir after leaving Rivendell.

9. Uruk dinner scene from the last time the regular orcs made trouble.

8. Gimli mistakes a warg for a shorter horse and tries to mount it like Legolas did in the earlier scene.

7. During the Smeagol/Gollum talking to himself scene, Smeagol gets confused and tells himself to go away, and has to come back to finish the conversation.

6. Intrigued so much by the Elven Cloaks, Sam tries them out on the side of a large tree, next to a waterfall and against the wall at Osgiliath.

5. In addition to the "I would cut off your head, dwarf" line, Eomer launches into a whole litany of dwarf jokes. To the amusement of his men and dissatisfaction of Legolas, Gimli and the audience. "How many dwarves does it take..."

4. After Haldir and the elves file in, a company of dwarven axemen, a platoon of Gondorian knights, a squad of Rangers, two shapechanging Beornlings and Gwaihir the giant eagle show up to aid the men of Rohan.

3. A cameo by PJ's kids as Uruk children coming out of the pits in Isengard.

2. When Sam pulls out the Lembas bread, he realizes the elves have given him a magic never-ending napsack. "More Lembas bread, and more and more Lembas bread, and look more and more and more Lembas bread..."

And the number 1 scene we don't want to see in the Extended TTT DVD.

1. Grima's bath and pedicure before Gandalf arrives at Edoras.

You know you're a geek when...
Any and all qualify and I am sure there are more.

10. Your co-workers all ask you about the upcoming release dates for the movie, DVD, etc.

9. You can't go to Wal-Mart, Target, Toys R Us, Barnes and Noble etc. without looking to see some LOTR stuff, even if you already own it.

8. You and your family communicate in LOTR quotes.

7. You have a license plate with your screen name or favorite character on it.

6. You go to other movies just to see the preview for the next LOTR movie.

5. You named one of your children/pets/vehicles after an LOTR character.

4. In crisis mode you think "What would Aragorn/Gandalf/Frodo/Sam do in this situation?"

3. You burst with excitement when you hit an LOTR question in Jeopardy, Trvial Pursuit, Guesswords, etc and get angry if it was someone else's question and not yours.

2. You save movie ticket stubs, old copies of the book, 7-up cans, boxes and wrappers from toys just because you can't throw something with LOTR on it away.

and the number one

1. You are enrolled in this fan club and you read this.

Love to all my fellow "geeks". ;-)

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