Shire Talk Report: The Return of the King
All in good fun, my friends! Enjoy and please extinguish all inflammables!
Middle earth M.I.A.'s: The King may have returned, but what about everyone else?
Lothithil Mallorndur here, reporting. I am come fresh from Valinor with many fond memories that will linger like
dreams unfading in my Elvish eyes, and also a few memories that are clouded in a haze of pipeweed smoke,
raw mead cider, and something about 'how many Fëorians does it take to screw in a Silmaril...'
*cough* but that is another story for another time!
First, I wouldn't be here at all today if it
weren't for my good friend Calafalas. I would like to thank her for
breaking open her All-Elven Monopoly set and mailing me the "Get out of
Mandos Free" card, which I used to inveigle my escape hither.
((((Tree-sister)))) I should never have left my flet without it!
Now, on with the Report!
Unfortunately, all of my notes, photographs
and film I took of the interviews with the Valar were held up in
Customs, and also there are some palms to be greased at the Cultural
Lobbyist for Elven Renaissance In Committee before I can "spill the
beans" on what's really happening on the White Shores. Let me say only,
this reporter is nearly censored with amazement!
But now, we have the third and final (or is it?) movie from our dear Mr Peter
(I am not Folco Boffin, darn it!) Jackson, and a whole slue of missing persons of all
manner of races and conditions. We'll start the list with the obvious, Saruman... HELLO?
You know, one of the big bad guys? And Grima, of course, in that lovely
mink number, he could turn the head of any orc! And what about the
Rangers of the North? I mean, is Aragorn the ONLY one? I guess if
Galadriel did not summon them, then they would have continued to guard
the Shire, thus eliminating the need to scour it! How convienent!
So we get Elves in Helm's Deep, where there
shouldn't have been any, and none on the Pelennor Fields except for
Lovely Legolas, who I will confess makes up for quite a bit with his
flair for dramatic assassination. We have an Undead Army who shows up
and kicks the wax out of the bad guys, but NO men from the south, no
sea-gulls cry in fair Lego's ears, no Rangers (okay, PJ would probably
just killed them off one by one anyway, but STILL!)
Bergil? Beregond? Ioreth? Dernhelm? (we saw
'him' but never heard the name) Shagrat? Gorbag? (I can't remember;
which was the Morgul rat and which was Shelob's sissy?)
Poor faceless Snaga, and Radbug never had a
prayer, I supose, when the roles with actual dialogue are cut-out or
edited! What about Mouthy? Did he spend all that time in the make-up
tailer for naught?
Ghan-buri-ghan, Damrod, Deorwine, Elladan and
Elrohir, Fladrif, Forlong, Grishnakh, Hirgon, Ingold, Mardil, Muzgash,
Old Noakes, Otho, Tom Pickthorn and Matt Heathertoes (both good
fellows, and well missed!), Radagast,Roheryn, Stubba, Swerthings,
tarks, Variags, Wild Men, Woses and yrch?? *pant pant pant*
Now, I know what you're going to say...
"But Loth, the Extended DVD will have all this and more, and blah blah blah,
and how sweet and elf-snog, and sniffle!"...
This reporter doesn't care if the ExDVD ROTK is supposed to be 5 hours long or 50 hours long...
if there are no Peredil Twins or barrow-wights, and no Tom Bombadil
striding up with Glorfindel under one arm and Imrahil under the other,
followed by Haldir wearing a bandaid and Gildor Inglorion waving a
flag, then this Elf will not be satisfied! I suggest we lobby for an
Extra Extended DVD Director's Cut with Exclusive Footage UnCensored
RealTime Elvish Drama and All the Bells and Whistles Or Else We All
Move to NZ and Start Making Movies Of Our Own... *fizzzzttt!*
EDITOR'S NOTE: Your reporter has just imploded in a cloud of righteous fandignation. There will be a brief
interlude while she reconsitutes. We apologize for the inconvienence.