Shire Talk Reports: Lens Cap-ers with Pilbara Orc

by Lothithil

Shire Talk Report: Lens Cap-ers with Pilbara Orc

Sometimes, what you are most looking for can be found right under your
nose!  I set out some days ago with extra microdiscs and some woolen hose,
to investigate the scene at Helm's Deep.  Instead of a blackened battlefield
or an equine-fancier's victory party, I found the battle still raging at
the breach in the dike.  

Puzzled, and more than slightly concerned for my personal safety, I scrambled
up the nearest siege-tower to get a better view of the fracas.  When I reached
the top, I found none other than my own camera-orc, snapping photos wildly
between throwing rocks and shouting colourful epithets at the surging crowd
below.  With her was another orc, an Uruk-hai, who was operating the 'rain
tower', turning it on until the orcs below began to bellow with outrage.
 Both were dressed in the oddest manner I have ever witnessed, and which
I can only describe as "Orc-prom dresses".

After persuading her new friend not to skewer me with her balloon- and-
ribbon- festooned truncheon, Pilbara kindly translated the following interview
with our new 'friend':

ShireTalk Reporter:  What is your name, and which is your tribe?

Uruk-hai:  Fluffy's girl, and my tribe is Jinna-garbarri, you pointy-ear'd cupcake.

STR:  Uh... (thanks for the translation, Pil! *sigh*)  Have you seen
the finished footage of this fight, and the other films that Peter Jackson
made regarding LOTR?

F'sG:  Finished?!?  Don't know what you are talking about. This has dragged
on for months.  Saruman invited us to attend this party at Helm's Deep.  Sent
10,000 of his best, all with sharpened party- favours.  I snuck in dressed
as an elf, ready with wide angle lens.  Promised lots of steamy breathing
and wet rippling muscles in the lightning, by His Spelledness. Took great
shots of Legolas and the wall blast.  

STR:  Filming for the movie TTT, where this scene takes place, was wrapped over a year ago.  Why is there still a fight going?

F'sG:  And waste all these lighting rigs and sets?  There's only so much
film you can take with you!  10,000 Uruks all wanting shots of ladders falling
on them or being flattened by blocks of stone. I went back to the dark room
to rest my weary eyes and mix more developer and found Saruman signing a
contract to have a three part adaptation of Varda's recent works filmed at
the Tower.  When we wrap here, we all have to hot-foot it back to Orthanc
for still more force-march frolicking.

STR:  Sharku's making another film?  He's been in hundreds already!  What is the title, and who's filming it?

F'sG:  "Frank and Skein" the epic movie to be directed by some hair-brained
wildman.  That meant all the uruks coming home and dressing as trees.  Haldir
asking me to make a photo folio for his audition (Such a shame Boromir got
the part of Skein.)
Grima was just lovely as Frank, though.  So tragic and
sensitive! All the Uruks have pin-ups of Frank in that Black mink cloak!

STR:  Will Weta Digital be involved in the making of these movies?

F'sG:  They weren't much good in the special effects department.  Had
to do everything for real.  Re-routed the Isen, created a whole new lake,
cleared a massive assembly area.......

STR:  This is unbelievable!  What is Saurman up to now?

F'sG:  (shrugs her chiffon-covered shoulders)  No idea.  I just take
pictures.  Theoden and Aragorn came to try to talk some sense into Saruman.
 But got pelted with some of the numerous Golden Globes choking up the rooms.

Now that you mention it, I did see some stills of some comedy called
TTT... my favourite photo was of the Dark she-elf comforting the wounded
Haldir at Helm's Deep.  

My least favourite is of Aragorn's horse.  Ruined my best camera bag when it fell in *#%@&^!!^&$#...

Our interview was unfortunately interupted when the Uruks began
to rock the rain-tower, having finally had enough of Fluffy's Girl's moisture-
treatment.  Pilbara and I managed to escape without injury, except for my
hose, where I got a fearful runner kicking orc #8,763 in the face.

We borrowed some horses from a couple of obliging Rohirrim (who were
busy with signing autographs)
and we sped on toward Isenguard.  I am hoping
to catch up with the director... I got a couple of questions to ask him!

Lothithil Mallorndur, ShireTalk Magazine

BlackSpeech translations and still- shot footage
provided by PilbaraOrcDarkRoomInc.

- Lothithil