Shire Talk Reports: Interview from Lonely Mountain

by Lothithil

ShireTalk Magazine Exclusive Interview from the Lonely Mountain
(avail. in Khuzdul)

Welcome to ShireTalk Magazine. Today we have with us from The Lonely
Mountain in Middle-earth, My Lord Gloin, renowned hero of the Battle of Five
Armies, and father of Glimli, the brave and areodynamic Dwarf who is a member
of Frodo's Fellowship. He has urgently demanded my presence here in Erebor
to ask a few questions that he feels our Readers in ME deserve the answers

I am received in the Great Hall of the King Under the Mountain. My camera-orc
has been denied access into the Chamber, and her equipment has been impounded
for the duration of our visit. I wonder what these Dwarves are hiding? It
took all of my clout with Dain just to get the over-zealous dwarven guards
to refrain from re-staging the last sceen of "Braveheart" with my uruk companion.
Finally, I am admitted into Lord Gloin's audience.

Gloin: Thanks for coming! I hope you are enjoying your visit to the Lonely
Mountain! Sorry about the trouble in Customs. I'm afraid that the 'boys'
don't much care for cameras.

ShireTalk Reporter: Or Orcs! Pilbara really is quite harmless, you know,
at least when you don't prod her with sharp, pointy spears! But no harm done,
at least none that your HMO won't cover... I really like what you've done
with this place! The Hall is beautiful, the fountains are lovely, and the
waterways are elegant. And I noticed that you managed to get rid of the Dragon

G: (gruffly pleased) Thanks! That was the hard part!

STR: Let's talk about the movies. Have you had a chance to see the pictures?

G: I have seen the movies...I enjoyed them greatly! My son was a major character you know!

STR: Yes! He is a brave and valiant member of the Fellowship. I remember
him from the animated version, too. I think he looks better with hair!

G: I have not seen the animated movie. He did not have any hair?? What insult is this?!

STR: No insult intended, I'm sure! He had a lovely beard, but he was bald as an eagle's egg.

G: *hurumph* What nonsense! Gimli takes after my wife... he's got my
eyes, you know, but he has his mother's beard! And there is no baldness in
our family line!

STR: (soothingly) I am sure you are correct. Now, back to the topic...
what did you think of Peter Jackson's adaptation of LOTR?

G: I thought it was quite good. Although, I thought a few more dwarves
could have been present. We really did a lot more it the book. Especially
in Rivendell!

STR: I saw photos of you in Rivendell, but not in the movie for very long.
 Why were you not more involved?

G: Well, actually I was involved, to a certain extent. I was filmed in
the Rivendell scene. I had quite a few lines, I also improvised a lot. I
was quite good you know. Although the others blame me for the scene taking
5 days to shoot. They said that I could never get my lines right, which wasn't
true at all! I was being creative by changing them. Sir Bilbo Holm was allowed
to deliver his lines differently each time the camera was on, so I figured
I was dealt the same curtesy. But alas! in the end PJ came to me and said
that he thought maybe having to many Dwarves with speaking lines was confusing.
Also, I was stealing the show, he said. So they cut my lines out. I was a
bit upset, I must say, especially when he told me "We want more of Gimli
and less of you, so just deal with it." I was happy for my son though. Did
you see him take a crack at that Ring? *WHAMM!!*

STR: Yes, very impressive. What do you make your axes out of, polyurethane?
(Just kidding, my lord!) What do you think of Gimli's performance?

G: I think that Gimli has done a fabulous job! His mother thought he
looked so handsome! I have been rather proud of him. That's MY boy, you know!
He's done all his family proud, volenteering to keep an eye on that shifty
Elf... no offense! (eyes the Dark Elf warily)

STR: None taken, sir!

G: I did not like the Moria scene, when the Fellowship was fleeing from
Durin's Bane, but I was proud of my boy when he took the jump himself. He
should have stuck to his guns in TTT! That never should have happened! Nobody...
and I mean, NOBODY... tosses a dwarf!

STR: What was your favorite part of the movie and why?

G: Rivendell, because you get to see me! My beard looked especially shiny
and white during that time! Its amazing what they can do with lighting! I
also loved seeing my lad hewing orcs! Did you see him in Moria? And on Amon
Hen? And at Helm's Deep... he mowed those goblins down like a hobbit mows
grass!! I taught him everything he knows, I did!

STR: Did you also teach him how to fly? (Just kidding, m'lord! No, the
microphone is not on...) What have you been doing with your time since the
Battle of the Five Armies?

G: Oh not much! Counting my gold... looking for mithril. I have been
thinking about taking a trip again. I am getting a little restless. Things
have been a little dull here Under the Mountain lately.

STR: This may be a bad time for travelling... there are rumours of war
everywhere. I imagine your King will need your extraordinary skills here,
when the Shadows reach Long Lake.

G: Let them come!! There is at least one Dwarf in Erebor who still draws breath!!

STR: (clapping) That is fantastic! You did teach him everything he knows!!
What are your expectations for ROTK? Can you give us a hint without spoiling
the ending?

G: (smugly grins) Let's just say that, if Saurman's army could be defeated
by a handful of Men and Elves, then the Dark Lord had better hope that the
Dwarves don't turn up in Pelennor, or he's gonna need to double his expense
budget for dark minions!!

STR: Well said! Thank you for this interview, my lord Gloin, and extend
my best wishes to Mrs Gloin and His Majesty King Dain. Can I get my orc out
of holding, now? She's a bit clausterphobic...

Thanks for reading, Gentlebeings of Middle-earth! Keep your ears wide open for our next issue:

The truth about Folco Boffin, with a suprise interview!!
Lothithil Mallorndur, ShireTalk Magazine
(sound captioned for the literacy-impaired where available)

- Lothithil