Shire Talk Reports: Conflict in Gondor

by Lothithil

ShireTalk Magazine

Today's headlines: Ithilien Scoop!

Planted Reporter in Osgiliath City

It is a grim scene, lords and ladies, in the
City of the Stars. The armies of the Black Hand are putting on the pressure,
and the soldiers of Gondor are having to fight a retreat that is very close
to becoming a rout.

I spoke earlier with some of the soldiers, and
they have told me that the forces of Minas Trirth were holding back the minions
of the Dark Lord easily, until today when they were swept back suddenly by
a fierce onslaught from Morgul Vale. Shadows have been seen stalking the
bridges, and all hope has fled the Men of Gondor. The retreat is flowing
back now, and the last bridge is being held by the Lord Boromir himself,
aided by two stout warriors and some guy in green tights.

Because of the heavy casualties and general panic
among the ranks of Men, I am unable to get closer to the action. My camera-orc
is getting some good footage of the fight on the bridge, but any second now...

Holy Caradhras! The Bridge is thrown down!
Nine dark figures have swept across and fled into Gondor, but the brave
Men on the bridge have brought it down before more of the devilish creatures
could get across! They have collapsed the bridge and are falling into the

The Lord Boromir is really earning his laurels
today, folks! I can see him swimming to the shore, even in the swift Anduin
River, rescuing his companions. Bravely done, Boromir, but I am afraid that
the score is

Home - 0, Mordor - 1

I caught up with the bedraggled Gondorian Captains and got the following statements:

Boromir: This was our fight! The Lands to the
West offer us much praise, but little aid! We are the Bulwark of the East!
We do not seek the power of...

Faramir: I had a dream the other night that...

Boromir: (Shh! I am still talking...) ...we
do not seek power, only the strength to defend ourselves... battle for a
noble cause... all's fair in love of war...

Faramir: ... I dreamed that there was this little guy...

Boromir: Ignore my brother, he's a little...
(makes rotating gesture with index finger near his temple) The leech says
it is best not to humour him. (grabs his brother around the neck and gives
him a Numenorian Noogie)

Faramir: OOWW!!

I spent some time speaking with the rest of
the survivors of the Osgiliath Onslaught. Rangers of the South Damrod and
Mablung grudgingly consented to be quoted. I asked them what hope they had
in the War, and more importantly, if they had seen any of the LOTR films
released so far...

Mablung: If the Riders of Rohan can get here in
time, then I think we will send these (bleep) back to Gorgoroth with a black
eye instead of a red one!

Damrod: Saw the films! Loved them! Gotta get me some of the leather get-ups that those Rangers have! Nice!

Mablung: Yeah! Those Easterlings did not stand
a chance! And how about that Half-elven chic? Whooo!! (Mablung and Damrod
exchange a 'high-five' and cavort in a masculine fashion.)

Ranger number two, Anborn of Ithilien was somewhat
more reserved than his fellow Rangers. He had the following statement to

Anborn: This is nuts! All of Mordor is piling
up in the East bank of the Anduin, and the Southrons and Easterlings are
coming in in droves! What is Sauron planning over there... a block-party?
We're gonna be in for some trouble if those orcs get a little brew in 'em...

Boromir and Faramir are useless... always arguing about who is Dad's favourite... Who cares? There is a war on here, folks...!!

Excellent point, Anborn.

Lothithil Mallorndur
ShireTalk Magazine

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- Lothithil