Shire Talk Reports: Have You Seen This Ent?
Newsline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ENT??
Recently, several characters from Jrr Tolkien's most-loved fantasy saga have been turning up in some interesting places.
Slighted from Peter Jackson's role-call, or unavailable for the long
15 month shoot in far away New Zealand, Tolkien's "castaways" have been making
do with the ingenuity and classical flair that their creator attributed them.
Under heavy prothetics, and after prolonged training
with a diction coach, Old Man Willow landed the juicy role of 'Sidney', the
talking, singing, Man-eating spacepod in The Little Shop of Horrors. "He
seemed to take great pleasure in his role." commented one castmember.
"A truly great method-actor," said another actor, "He never seemed to slip out of his character. He's a genius."
Tom Bombadil was at home Under and Over Hill when
this reporter called upon him for an update on his doings. Still smarting
from being excluded from the movie, Tom nevertheless was a gracious host,
and he had many good things to say about the cast and crew. "I like those
Hobbit-boys," he commented jovially. "I heard their movie commentary. Let
me take a moment and say, "You're welcome!".
Mr Bombadil, or as he insisted on me calling him, 'The Master', has filled
his days and pocket-book lately by the unexpected vocation of writing modern
music lyrics. "I'm under contract not to say for whom," Tom said quietly.
He touched his finger to the side of his nose, and winked a bright blue
eye at me, "But we can make a guess, can't we??"
My pleasant visit was further made more wonderful by the appearance of
his roommate Golberry, who returned early from her classes at UCLA. We had
a wonderful dinner, sang some songs, and was sent off with an invitation
to return anytime. Golberry whispered in my ear before we left, "Bring that
handsome blonde Elf with you, when you come back." (Not a chance, Goldie...
Next week, I hope to find the MIA's Radagast the Brown, Folco Bolger,
and Glorfindel, the last of which is rumoured to be working as a 'torpedo'
for somebody in Las Vegas. Stay tuned for more information.
reporting for Shire-talk Magazine
Shire-talk Magazine UPDATE
Newsline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ENT?? [part two]
This Reporter has had some marginal success in tracking down more of
JRR's wayward children; those characters slighted from Peter Jackson's role-call,
or unavailable for the long 15 month shoot in far away New Zealand. Helpful
readers have sent me messages on the locations of the following 'fantasy
Gildor Inglorion, ever the wandering exile, was near the end of his Pacific
Crest hike when this winded and high-altitude sickened journalist finally
caught up with him. He seemed suprised when I asked him why he had not been
in the movie. "They made a movie??" he said, sitting on his backpack. "I
heard about the animated thingy... but this is news to me." He proceeded
to get out a cell phone and dialed up his agent. I made a stealthful and
Rumil and Orophin, brothers of the late Haldir of Lorien were not, at
first, enthusiastic about talking to the press, until they found out that
I posted on the Middle-earth Messageboard. They then welcomed me,
and entreated me to place a plea on their behalf:
"Our brother was badly portrayed," Orophin lamented to this reporter.
"He never would have been shanked by some orc like that!! There is no justice."
"We've had word from Mandos," added Rumil, less aggrieved than his brother
about Haldir's abbriviated performance. "He'll be back on his feet in no
time. We expect a good showing in ROTK." He offered no further explination,
which just proves to this journalist that Sylvan Elves are wicked fae wights!!
Beorn Identity: A suprise visitor in the office of the Magazine awaited
me upon my return to civilization. Grimbeorn, son of Beorn the skin-changer
(a popular figure from the Red Book of Westmarch), had read part one of this
article and decided come forward to make a statement on behalf of his people.
"We didn't make it into the books (LOTR), so it is not suprising that
Mr Jackson did not need us for the film," he stated in a deep voice. "But
in response to the Dwarven crack that Gloin made about us to the Ringbearer:
You should have tried to take the Ring across the mountains here, Frodo.
Our tolls aren't that high! And we do give discounts to groups and noble
I tried to sooth my grizzly guest with polite conversation and a compliment
on his lovely pelt, but he was not so easily mollified. "I feel that my
people should be fairly represented in Middle-earth," he grumbled, "Tell
Gloin that the next time he wants to cross Hithaeglir, he can *blinking*
My lord Gloin was unavailable for comment.
reporting for Shire-talk Magazine
subscriptions still available in some regions
(Canada and Erebor, supplies limited)
Newsline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ENT?? part three
More of JRR Tolkien's beloved characters are surfacing to the cries of
outraged fans. My search is taking me to some very lovely places in Middle-earth,
and my editor is giving me the Elrond "frowny face" whenever I hand in my
expence sheet. But nothing will stop this intrepid jounalist from her persuit
of the truth: "Where were you?"
The scene: Weta Workshop, New Zealand
Production on ROTK, the third and final installment of Peter Jackson's
adaptation of JRR Tolkien's beloved fantasy saga, was disrupted today by
a picket-line of protesting ghouls and animated corpses. Marching and shuffling
in a circle before the doors of the Workshop, protesters chanted in Black Speech
and waved signs reading:
"EQUAL RIGHTS for BARROW WIGHTS!!"
Local milita were called to the scene to disperse the disurbance, but
there was little the mortal police could do, until the Witchking was finally
reached via satellite-link. Owner/operator of Weta Workshop Richard Taylor
relayed the message of His Dreadful Highness of Angmar to the undead dissidents:
"You didn't make the cut... get over it!!"
Man (?) of Rohan:
Eothain, companion of Third Marshall Eomer of Rohan, is looking
younger in these years than one can give account to, even with the
use of plastic surgery and/or tape.
In JRR's timeless classic, Eothain appeared as one of the Riders who
encoutered the Three Hunters following the orcs who had pilfered their hobbits
(Eothain was the mouthy one). However, in PJ's adaptation, Eothain suddenly
is a young boy, entrusted with an urgent message to King Theoden. Intregued
by this anomoly, I hastened to Rohan to ask him what his 'fountain of youth'
secret might be and, more importantly, if it is available without a perscription.
However, when this reporter called upon his home in Westfold, I was disappointed
not to be granted an interview. The inexplicably youthful Eothain answered
the door, but refused to comment: "I can't talk to you, lady. My mom's not
Elladan and Elrohir, sons of Elrond speak to Shire-talk:
The peredhil twin sons of the Edain Elrond of Rivendell, once found as they
rode hither and thither all over Middle-earth on their fathers bizzare 'errands',
were eager to speak to this humble reporter. Elladan, looking very handsome in
his Dunadan uniform, seemed the talkative one of the twain, while his equally
handsome brother is more introverted. When I asked them why they were not
in PJ's film, the friendly atmosphere grew heated.
"It was Dad's idea. Arwen did not get much coverage in the novelization."
commented Elladan, obviously annoyed. "Dad said that it was her turn to hit
the Big Time. She was always his favourite."
Elrohir mutters, "Spoiled brat!!"
I then asked if there was any chance that we might see them in ROTK. They looked uneasy at my question.
"We really can't say... we're still negotiating." said Elladan.
"Somebody better help Aragorn find Minas Tirith," grumbles Elrohir. "He
couldn't find his own..." Elladan quickly claps a hand over Elrohir's mouth
and the two of them start arguing in Sindarin. I cannot report the full exchange,
but the words "... revenge is a dish best eaten cold..." could be plainly
reporting for Shire-talk Magazine
Still Missing In Action: Folco Boffin, where are you??
newsline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ENT?? Interview:
Coming to you LIVE via satellite up-link (courtesy of VardaKindlerCommunications
and EarendilVingilotLink) ShireTalk's exclusive interview with Glorfindel
from lovely Imladris!!
It is the privilage of this reporter to clear up the false rumour that
Lord Glorfindel (heroic Elf from the Silmarillion and FOTR) was a leg man
for a powerful Las Vegas casino owner (who shall remain nameless for the
sake of my appealing profile). I am proud to share with you the interview
I had with this magnificent Elven Hero.
I had intended to have a camera crew to film this amazing event, but
my camera-orc was detained at the Ford of Bruinen over some troubles with
an Austrailian passport. However, we will have a live feed after the interview,
so that you may pose your own questions to Lord Glorfindel.
We are here in Imladris, and it is a beautiful Winter evening. The candles in
the Hall of Fire are burning brightly, and I am alone except for my noble guest.
Shire-Talk Reporter: Lord Glorfindel, may I have a few words with you on behalf of my readers in ME?
Lord Glorfindel: Of course. And call me Glory.
S-TR: Uh... okay. Is the rumor true?
LG: No, I was nowhere near the Keebler factory when it burned down...
S-TR: No! I mean, the one about the 'torpedo' job for 'you-know-who'.
LG: (blushing) Oh...hehehe. No, it's not true. Either.
S-TR: What have you been doing with your time since the Fellowhip departed Rivendell?
LG: Not much... running errands for Lord Elrond, chasing wraiths, some base-jumping... the usual.
S-TR: Many of my readers missed you in Peter Jackson's motion picture of FOTR. Why weren't you in the cast?
LG: (crosses his long legs) Well, he asked me, of course, but I declined.
I got a lot of glory from the Balrog-killing thing after the fall of Gondolin,
so I don't feel the need for much press. Besides, I would have made Legolas
look plain as a brown-haired step-daughter in comparison. (smiles winningly
S-TR: Excuse me, Glory. (Loth picks herself up off of the floor and
sets her chair upright again) Sorry, but that is one powerful smile, m'lord.
You should be required to display a hazard warning!!
LG: (laughs quietly) Thanks! If I may continue..? Of course, I wanted
to be involved in this worthy project, so I volunteered to coach Legolas
for his on-screen presence. Taught him everything he knows.
S-TR: You said earlier that you enjoyed base-jumping... did you and Legolas ever do any of that together?
LG: Are you kidding? Who do you think pushed him out of his first cable-car?
"Are you and Elf or a Man?" I asked him. "You are going to live FOREVER!!"
And I pushed him out the door. He squealed all the way down like a sissy.
S-TR: Ha Ha! I wish I could have seen that!
LG: It's available on DVD, VHS, and Beta. $24.99 or two Mallorn leaves.
S-TR: So, Who is your favourite personality in the movies?
LG: Hmmm... Well, if I can pick only one, I guess I'll have to pick Frodo. He's a pretty brave little guy.
S-TR: Are there any performances that you weren't entirely happy with?
LG: Well... Not that I'm critisizing, but PJ's balrog was a pussycat
compared to the real thing. And I think that his wraiths were far more intimidating
on the screen than I remember. But on the whole, I enjoyed everything very
much. I had a bit of a problem with Aragorn's beard, at first. I don't
remember ever seeing an octogenarian with such a scrappy mat. Must be his
S-TR: It is lovely here in Rivendell. What do you recommend to a visitor for entertainment?
LG: I recommend long walks along the wooded paths covered over by blooming
trees, accompanied by an ageless Elf-lord of heroic reputation. (Here...
let me help you up, miss....) And there is Karaoke in the Great Hall after
9 o'clock, but go early, because once Bilbo gets a mug of miruvor in him,
he won't give up the microphone.
S-TR: Thanks for the tip, Glory, and for this delightful interview.
I hope I can come and talk to you again, maybe after ROTK is released, and
get your personal view on the completed project.
LG: I'd be honoured, m'lady. Thanks! I have to be going anyway...
Elrond and I have a late tee-time for a game of Ngolf. Please thank your
readers for me, and tell them to brace themselves for ROTK.
(Smiles winningly again, but Loth deflects it with her clip-board)
Lord Glorfindel will be happy
to answer questions now, though the time difference may cause some delay
in responses. Please go to the Prancing Pony to post your questions to 'Glory'.
reporting for Shire-talk Magazine
subscriptions available in Sindarin, Quenya, Khuzdul, and Black Speech.
Shire-talk Magazine, UPDATE Erkenbrand
Newsline: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ENT?? part 4
Lothithil here, reporting to all of Middle-earth today for Shire-talk Magazine
(advertising space available)
This week has been an explosive one, and it may well be the beginning
of a new atmosphere here in Arda. After the peaceful protest outside Weta
Workshop yesterday was broken up by police, a spokesman for the Borrow-wights
came forward with a statement:
"Our purpose yesterday was not to upset the production of the movie,"
the tall, wraith-thin creature said in a cold, hissing voice. "We merely
wished to make it known that we resented being overlooked. After all, we
were involved in the primary scene in the book where the Ringbearer and his
fellow trespassers experienced real danger. That Hobbit did not find his
courage until he met us. Our work is essential toward the formula of making
heros: Give 'em a quest, then scare the daylights out of them!! We were
made for PJ's movies!!"
The shrouded, corpse-dust covered monstrosity further commented upon
the performance of the Ringwraiths, alluding to 'foul play' upon their part
during the audition process, and making other comments that this journalist
cannot in good countanence print, owing to it's nature and content
("Strange as news from Bree" you might say.)
The remaining protesters were finally given some satisfaction when director/screenwriter/cameo
performer Peter Jackson himself came to them and offered them all jobs as
extras on an upcoming film project. The wights were displaying some rather
gruesome exultation when Mr Jackson made the following statement:
"I have been asked to assist the casting process on the upcoming Harry
Potter Movie. I am not involved in the making of this film, but
considering my experience with the horror genere, I was asked to find
some likely Dementors. You guys fit the bill! Can you work 8 days a
week, 29 hours a day, without holiday or pay?"
(Best Bogart imitation) "Louis, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship!)