Part Seven


(The fellowship is waiting at a gas station right off the highway.  Aragorn is leaning against the car while everyone else loiters around)

(Aragorn walks over to the bathroom door)
Aragorn: (knocking) Are you done yet??
Legolas: (from inside) Go away!
Aragorn: Bah! Hurry up!
Gimli: (walking up) Come on ye Mr. We-cannot-linger-have-to-get-to-New-York-right-now-and-and-rescue-Gandalf!
(a loud flush sounds from within, the door bursts open and Legolas hurls himself out, landing on the ground)
Legolas: (gasping)  Can't... breathe....
Aragorn:  You have had to stop 5 times since we started this way and we aren't even out of Maryland yet!
Legolas: Just for your information, it takes an unfathomable amount of water to make lovely locks like these, and beautiful complexion, and slim elvish frame!
Gimli:  Arrrr... Malt beer and red meat off the bone -- it'll put some hair on yer face!
Legolas: .........................
Aragorn: Are you saying the only difference between dwarves and elves is their diet?
Legolas: You are what you eat.
Aragorn: So... if we had Gimli start to drink more water, and you eat more meat...
Legolas: No.
(Aragorn shrugs)

-------------

(in car, going down road)

Legolas: I just don't understand why I can't drive.
Boromir: (driving) Because...
Legolas: Because why?
Boromir: Because your crazy.
Legolas: Oh.   (sigh)

Pippin: So, where are we goin'?
Aragorn: (looking at map)  Hmm... we are going to ... Mexico.
Legolas: *What*? Give me that. (snatches map)
Aragorn: (blinking) Umm....hey....
Legolas: (turning map around and handing it back to Aragorn)  There.
Aragorn: Hey! That makes a lot more sense!
Legolas: ........................

(at rest stop)

Aragorn: Okay, time to switch seats. Gimli  -- you ride up front with Legolas and Boromir.
Legolas:  (groans)
Gimli: Arrrrrr!
Aragorn: (climbing in back, leans forward to whisper to Merry and Pippin). Hey guys...
Merry and Pippin: (whispering) Yes...?
Aragorn: Do you have any malt beer?
Merry:  I always have a few pints!
Pippin: It comes in pints?
Merry: Yes.  Like I haven't already told you 200 times.
Pippin: Oh.
Aragorn: Say, guys... I have a little experiment... if you would just do me a favor...
Gimli: (turning around) Arrr... what are ye whispering abouts back thar?
Aragorn: Nothing.
Gimli: Oh.... ok.. (turns back around)

(later)

Legolas: Aragorn... hand me my water bottle please?
Gimli:  Aye, and I'll have some beer, I'm not drivin'!
Aragorn: Suuuure.... (hands them their drinks)
Legolas: Wow... tastes sort of earthy, must be the peet.
Gimli: Arrrr... this be watered down! Need to make sure I get the good stuff next time!
Aragorn: (softly) Heh heh heh....

(a loud banging suddenly sounds from under the hood as smoke and steam begin to pour out from under it)

Legolas: Ahhh! Fire!! Save the trees!

(Boromir pulls off to the side of the road and gets out)

Boromir: Hmmm... (opens hood)  Looks bad... but it could just be a radiator leak...
Aragorn: Boromir, what could you possibly know about cars?
Boromir: Well back in the castle we always had horses breaking down...
Aragorn:  ??
Boromir: Well, Mustangs, you know...heh heh heh..........heh.........
Aragorn: .........................
Boromir: ...........anyways
Aragorn: We're stranded, aren't we? (sits down)
Boromir: Well, I wouldn't say that!
Aragorn: (glancing up) What *would* you say?
Boromir: I'd say we've been given a wonderful and priceless chance to bond like real men! Why I....
(Legolas walks up, wacking Boromir over the head with a branch. Boromir falls to the ground, unconscious)
Aragorn: Thanks.
Legolas: (dropping branch) No problem
Gimli: (walking up)  Legolas! What have you done??
Legolas: (blinks) What do you mean?
Gimli: (leaning over branch)  This poor branch... you took it from the tree... stole its life...
Legolas: Its just a branch.
Gimli: Shallow and callous!
(Legolas shrugs)
(Aragorn blinks).
Legolas: Say, Aragorn, do you have anymore of that peet water?
Aragorn: Umm.... sure... Gimli?
Gimli: None for me thanks, I'm trying to cut back.
Aragorn: Ok.....

(Merry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam get out of the car and walk over to the other four)
Merry: What happened?
Aragorn: Ah... Boromir broke the car.
Merry: That true, Boromir?
(Boromir just lays on the ground, unresponsive)
Aragorn: Doesn't really matter now... we have to get to New York so we must get a ride.
Gimli: Legolas...
Legolas: No.
Gimli: Hmph!


(Aragorn stands out by the road, his thumb stuck out to the side.  It has started to rain)
Gimli: The rain is messing up my hair, but I find comfort in the fact that so many trees are being nourished.
(Legolas glances at Gimli, rolls his eyes, and takes another swig of his ale)
(after a few minutes a large semi truck pulls over next to Aragorn.  Aragorn speaks to the driver for a few minutes then runs over to the others)
Aragorn: I've found us a ride!  Quick! Let us hurry!
Boromir: Are we all going to fit up front?
Aragorn: No, only room up front for two, but there is room for the rest of us in the back.
(everyone stands up and heads for the truck)
Aragorn: Say, Gimli, have you been getting taller?
Gimli: I feel as tall as a stout tree!
Aragorn: Hmm… yeah.  Alright, Legolas and Gimli… you two up front.
Gimli: Heh heh heh… I wouldn't want ta miss this…
(Legolas starts to climb in)
Driver: Uh… hey. Jus wunderin if ya'll wouldn't mind havin' the short feller sit next ta me.
Legolas: What?
Gimli: Eh?
Driver: (sniffs) Its jus that ya reminds me of my long dead wife.  Lard bless 'er soul.
Gimli: What?? Lard?
(Legolas appears too choked by his laughter to say anything)
Driver: Yup.  The Good Lard.
Legolas: There is no other type!
(Gimli blinks at Legolas)
Legolas: Well?
(They both climb into the truck as the others head around back)

(Aragorn opens a small side-door and everyone climbs in.  The back of the truck is full of large brown boxes)
Aragorn: All right, get comfortable everyone, we're in for a long trip!
(Aragorn tosses down the limp form of Boromir to the floor where he sprawls)
Aragorn: That's the spirit, Boromir!

(driving down the road)
Driver:  So, ware do ya'll come from?
Legolas: Middle-Earth.
Driver: Oh… Drillers, then?  Mah wife wus uh oil worker. 'er name was Maude  Mind if I call you Maude? Yer her spittin' image!
Gimli: Yes.
Legolas: No, he doesn't mind.
(Gimli glares at Legolas)
Legolas: (whispering to Gimli) Hey… he's doing us a favor.  The least you can do is play along.
(Gimli mutters something inaudible under his breath)
Driver: eh?
Gimli: I said I don't mind if you call me Maude.
Driver: Aww… that's swell! (pinches Gimli on the cheek)  Let me tell you about the time Maude used ah stick a dynamite to put a swimmin' hole in our yard….
Gimli: …………….

(meanwhile, in the back)
Pippin: I'm hungry
Aragorn: Why don't you see if there is something to eat in the boxes?
(Pippin scampers to the back of the truck and begins rustling through the boxes. A few minutes later he returns)
Pippin: I found a jar of old pickles - and some flour!
Sam: I could cook something. I have a pan.
Aragorn: But no fire. What are you going to do, set fire to the floor?
Sam: Well…
Aragorn: No, we can't do that.
Sam: Oh.
Pippin: The strangest thing about this flour is that I found it under a loose floorboard.  I says to myself, "Well, that's a strange place to put flour. Ye'll have all the bugs gettin' into it.
Aragorn: Umm… let me see that… (takes the plastic bag containing the white powdery substance from Pippin)  Lets take it with us! Maybe we can use it later.  (puts the bag in his cloak)  


(in the front)
Legolas: I had NO idea there were so many ways of cooking cow remains!
(Gimli looks rather disgusted)
Driver: Yup. Beer and red meat. That'll put some hair on yer chest.
Legolas: Ale? I've been drinking ale! What's this? I think I have a chest hair!
Gimli: (rubbing his beard) Speaking of hair, I've been thinking about shaving this ol' beard off…
Driver: (placing his hand on Gimli's shoulder) Aww Don't.  It reminds' me ah Maude.  
Gimli: ……………………

(in the back)
Aragorn: (counting out the pickles)  One for you, one for you, one for you, two for me, one for you…
Sam: Hey… why do you get two?
Aragorn: I'm not taking two.  I'm putting Boromir's right next to mine.
Sam: Why don't you put it next to Boromir?
Aragorn: I don't think he wants it.  Do you want this Boromir?
(holds out the old pickle towards Boromir's unconscious form.  He does not reply)
Aragorn: (shrugs) Oh well.
Sam: We should split it up between the rest of us! I'm so hungry…. I need more than a pickle…
Aragorn: Oh, but Sam, Boromir wouldn't trust his pickle to anyone but his king.
Sam: You're not king yet.
Aragorn: Boromir thought I was.
Sam: …………………….
Aragorn: (takes a bite of the old pickle) Mmmmmmm…..
Sam: ……………………..


(in the front)
Legolas: Say, I was wondering… I feel all sorts of new manly power since I grew my chest hair.  Would you mind terribly if I drove this truck a bit?
Driver: Hmm… uh well it takes months 'a trainin' ta be good at this sorta thing, and my company'd prolly fire me if they found out… but… wut the hey, ya'll seem like nice people!  
Legolas: (hoping into the Driver's seat) Hang on, everyone!  
(Legolas presses the gas and the truck lurches into motion.  Legolas begins to turn the wheel this way and that)
Gimli: Legolas… I think yer supposed to stay on one side of the line…
Legolas: Shhh… me and my chest hair know what we're doing..
Gimli: …………………..

(in the back)
Aragorn: Uh! What was that?
(The truck lurches to the side, then sways back the other way, items go rolling around on the ground)
Merry: Pippin!
Pippin: Merry!
(Merry and Pippin hold onto each other for dear life)
(After awhile the wild movement of the truck stops)
Sam: Whew… thought I'd never life through that…. Hey, where's my pickle….?
(glances over to see Aragorn devouring the last of the pickle)
Aragorn: Oh, was this yours?  I thought it was Boromir's….
Sam:  No!  You already ate Boromir's!
Aragorn: Ah, bummer. Sorry about that.
(Sam tightens his fist, trying to control his temper.  At the same moment, Boromir begins to stir in the corner)
Boromir: Eh…? Where am I….? Ugh… my head….
Sam: Ahhh! I hate you! I hate you and I hate your pickles!
Boromir: Wha….?
(Sam leaps at Boromir, bashing him in the head with his frying pan.  Boromir falls back to the ground, once more unconscious)

(in the front)
Legolas: That was great!
Driver: Heh heh heh… well, I've never seen drivin' quite like that. But we're almost to where ya'll are goin' now!
Gimli: Good!
Driver: Aww… Maude… Don't be so quick ta leave meh.  Huh… come ta think o' it though that reminds me ah the way my wife used ta be too…
Gimli: ………………………
Driver: (scratches his beard) huh…..


(in the back)
Sam: I'm cold, I'm hungry, I'm car-sick…
Aragorn: Truck-sick.
(Sam stares at Aragorn)
Aragorn: Heh heh… sorry.
Sam: And uh.. poor Frodo must feel the same way!
Frodo: No, I'm doing pretty good, actually.
Sam:……………….
(The group feels the truck stop, and a minute later the door opens and they see Legolas, Gimli and the Driver outside)
Driver: We're here.
Gimli: Finally.
Aragorn: Did we hit an earthquake or something?
Legolas: No. The Driver let me drive the truck! And look… I have a chest hair!
(Legolas proudly displays his chest hair. Aragorn squints at it)
Aragorn: Eh… that's not a chest hair, its an eyelash. (flicks the eyelash off)
(Legolas looks as though he's been struck, he sinks to the ground)
Legolas: Ugh… so close… (lowers his head)  Perhaps I need more ale… (takes out another pint and begins to guzzle it)
Aragorn: Legolas! No! You have to stop this madness!
Legolas: I can! I can stop anytime I want! Just….one….chest…..hair…..
(struggles with Aragorn  as he tries to pull the cup away. In the struggle Legolas and Aragorn both let loose of the cup and it flies up and lands on Gimli!)
Gimli:  Wha…? Argh! Ale! I forgot how good it was! (Gimli sucks on his fingers)
(As Legolas stares forlornly at Gimli, Aragorn drags him over to a small rain puddle and shoves his face in it)
Legolas: (sputtering) Ugh… (cough)…. Wha?  Oh my….my…. my hair!  It's all muddy!
Merry: He's cured!
Aragorn: Gimli, what do you think of trees?
Gimli: Arr, I think they should be plowed down to make room for rock mining!
Pippin: Yeay!…… I think.
Aragorn: Great! All you all ready to save Gandalf?? (raises his sword)
(muttered 'yes's are heard through the group)

(Inspirational sound track beings to play)

Aragorn: Then let's go! (runs off)
(the group trudges slowly off after him)