Aragorn: Did anybody see where they went!?
Boromir: Well we know they did not go right.
Aragorn: How do you know?
Boromir: To our right is Sears, and not even Sauron's most fearsome minions would dare tackle such evil.
Aragorn: This lessens our search significantly, valiant Boromir!
Legolas: (peering over balcony) I see something! Look there, in the courtyard greenery!
Aragorn: Shut up, you know if you keep crying wolf or "Aiiiiee" or whatnot, one day people won't believe you.
Legolas: That wasen't me.........!
Aragorn: (cuts off Legolas) (gasps) Look there! Over in the bushes -- I think we have found our foes!
Boromir: I knew it all along!
Aragorn: Indeed, you give wise council, Boromir!
Frodo: Hey, Aragorn...
Frodo: Do you want the rings?
Frodo: I'm giving them to you!
Aragorn: Let me think..... No.
Frodo: If you ask it of me, I will give you the one ring.
Legolas: I didn't ask.
(everyone walks in silence)
(Legolas bends down, studying the ground)
Legolas: Yes, yes... they were definantly here!
Aragorn: You see this in the tracks?
Legolas: The dust and filth is so thick it would take a dwarf to miss it!
Gimli: Hmph. It would take an elf to stare at dirt for hours to figure out what it means!
(Legolas waves dismissivly)
Boromir: What does it mean?
Legolas: Well, they started off upstairs, carrying the sign of Mordor. Then... SUDDENLY!... (jumps up)
Legolas: one of them drops the sign over the edge, you can see where it landed in the dirt. They contemplate who will go after it, finally the one in the wheelchair is pushed over, which you can see here... (everyone's eyes follow where he points). It could have been Saruman.
Gimli: Ya think?
Legolas: But alas, Sauron's hold on the bannister is unwell! He falls with his own minion by his own evil hand! (flings himself to the ground in demonstration)
(The audience covers their mouths with their hands)
Pippin: Oh, no!
Gimli: Which hand?
Legolas: Right hand.
Aragorn: (gazing at his own right hand) It IS the evil hand.
Legolas: At this point Saruman was feeling rather ill about his treatment. He decided to fight the dark lord for his place! (flings himself dramatically away from the ground)
Everyone: (gasp) No!
Legolas: (nodding sagely) Yes.
Legolas: Sauron defeated him easily but decided to give him a second chance, on one unspeakable condition......
(Everyone leans forward, expectantly)
Frodo: (in a whispering voice) What was it.....?
Legolas: (leaning forward, lowering his voice) The only way he could save himself was if he......
(Everyone jumps back, screaming like girls)
Gimli: Eeeirccc! Stupid elf!
Legolas: Hahahahaha! Just kidding.... yeah, its right over there (points)
(Everyone turns to look, seeing a large store with the sign "MORDOR" haphazardly taped over the regular one)
Gimli: (jumps on a pedestale and slaps Legolas upside the head) Stupid elf!
(As the fellowship slinks into the dimly-lit shop they hear a fell
voice from the back, singing a strange tune. They sneak closer to find
out what it is)
Ring Wraith #2:
Issss thhhiisss thhhee feeelinng offf beeeiiinnnng looooneeeelyyyyy?
Ring Wraith #2: (spying fellowship) Ahhhh! Hooowwww diiiid yyyyooooouuuu fiiiinnnd thissss plaaacccce??
Aragorn: (point his sword at the wraith) None of your business. Tell us where your master is!
(Saruman appears in the doorway)
Saruman: Anyways... (chuckles evilly) You overestimate yourselves. You will never save this world from darkness!
Legolas: (notching arrow) We will defeat you!
Gimli: (raising axe) There is one dwarf in this store who still draws breath!
Frodo: (walking forward) I will give the ring to y....urk!
(is pulled back out of the way by the other hobbits)
Sam: No, Mr. Frodo!
(Insert small battle in which Fellowship is victorious here)
(Aragorn advances towards Saruman, holding his sword to the wizard's throat)
Aragorn: Now, you shall tell us what we want to know!
Saruman: Very well! You have won the right to know. I just want you to tell me one thing...
Gimli: (leaning up and whispering to Legolas) I had no idea you could use your legs to shoot the bow that way.
(Legolas just stands there, grinning like an idiot)
Aragorn: What is it? Speak quickly!
Saruman: I made sure your weapons were put in a secure spot after they were taken by Mall Security! How on Middle-Earth did you get them back??
(Aragorn glances down at his sword, a puzzled expression on his face. He looks back towards his companions)
(Legolas, Gimli and Boromir scratch their heads, glance at each other, and shrug)
Aragorn: (turning back to Saruman) Umm... shut up!
Aragorn: Listen, just tell us where Sauron has gone.
Saruman: He has gone to capture Gandalf, your leader! He has gone to New York!
Aragorn: New York?
Boromir: New York!
Pippin: The city?
Merry: Hush, Pippin.
Sam: I'd rather go to Old York.
Legolas: We must move on!
Frodo: What is Gandalf doing in New York?
Saruman: (gasping, with Aragorn's sword at his throat) They have both gone to the gathering!
Aragorn: The Gathering?
Boromir: The Gathering!
Pippin: Gather what?
Merry: Hush, Pippin
Sam: I'd rather gather mushrooms.
Legolas: We cannot linger!
Frodo: What's a Gathering?
Saruman: No no, not The Gathering. The gathering. Lower-case "G".
Legolas: (screams with frustration) Aiiii!
Aragorn: Tell us how to get there!
(Elrond walks in, makes mean, constipated face, walks out again)
Saruman: Okay! I'll tell you! North! The gathering is north!
Aragorn: (stands up and starts to walk out) Okay, everyone! Were going north! Follow me!
Aragorn: (running down the road, waving his axe, singing his battle cry) Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg!
Pippin: (pants) Where is he goin'?
Gimli: I do nay know, but 'es singin mah tune! Arrrrrrrgggggg! (waves axe)
Legolas: (walking, catching up to Aragorn) Where are you going?
Aragorn: (screeching to a halt) North.
Legolas: Ah... what do you say we find another mode of transportation?
Aragorn: Like what?
Merry: (catching up) Buckleberry ferry!
Aragorn: Shut up. You have nothing to contribute.
Merry: Oh. (sighs and sits down)
Sam: How about one of those automatic carriages? (gazes hungrily at passing cars)
Boromir: Don't chase the cars, Sam.
Sam: Okay. (sigh)
Legolas: Of course, we can rent a car!
Gimli: And where are we supposed to do that?
Legolas: Over there. (points to car rental shop across the street)
Gimli: Argghh. STOP doing that! Stupid elf!
(Legolas glares at Gimli)
Aragorn: Stop teasing Legolas. If it hadn't been for the way he shot the bow with his legs back at the store in the small battle in which we were victorious, we may have all been killed!
Gimli: Hey, Legolas. I bet the lassies love that move.
Legolas: (grinning) Yeah…
Gimli: Bet the lads love it even more!
Legolas: Heh…. Yeah… (blinks) I mean… no. No! I don't know! How would I possibly know??
(Everyone just stands there, looking at Legolas)
Legolas: ….. Shut up! (walks off)
(The Fellowship enters the car dealership)
(Car salesman walks up)
Salesman: Hello, hello! Welcome to More Door Cars. More Doors, More Cars – all the time! How may I help you?
Aragorn: Well…. We need a car.
Salesman: Yes,yes! We have many cars! And all of our cars have More Doors than you could possibly need!
Pippin: Why so many doors?
Salesman: Well you can’t get in a car without doors, is my motto!
Pippin: Oh, I see, right!
Sam: ……. Where is Legolas?
(Everyone looks around and spies Legolas standing next to a shiny forest green sport convertible)
Legolas: This is ours.
Salesman: Yes, yes! The convertibles are wonderful. Just like one big door on the top, you know?
(Legolas stays silent, simply staring at the car)
Aragorn: How much for the car?
Salesman: Oh my, oh my. Well, this model goes for about $64,000.
Aragorn: Well we just want to rent it.
Salesman: Hmm… I’m afraid we don’t rent new cars.
Gimli: I know of only one way to make $64,000 in a single night in such a sod…
Legolas: Aragorn, you know that elven pendant you wear must be at least worth $64,000.
Aragorn: (holding the pendant) No, I don’t think Arwen would like me pawning it….
Legolas: (turning towards Aragorn, an unnatural light in his eyes) Come on, Aragorn… we can get it back later, I’m sure. We need this car. We need it.
Aragorn: Legolas…. Are… you okay?
Legolas: (walks over to Aragorn and snatches the pendant out of his hand) Tell me, would you take the pendant in exchange for the car? It’s real diamond.
Salesman: (examining pendant) Well I used to be a jewler in my day, I can tell this is very fine quality. It is a fair trade.
Aragorn: No! That’s Arwen’s! If the ball ‘n chain finds out I traded it for a car she’ll make my life miserable (gulps).
Legolas: Don’t be such a baby. She wouldn’t hold a grudge for more than 300 years.
Salesman: Well, here are the keys.
(Legolas snatches the keys and jumps into the car)
Aragorn: I call shotgun!
(Everyone else climbs in, Aragorn in the front)
Legolas: (donning sunglasses) Ready to roll?
Aragorn: This is a side of you I’ve never seen, Leg….ack!
(without warning, Legolas hits the gas and peals out of the driveway. Everyone else hangs on for dear life)
Aragorn: Legolas! Slow down!
Legolas: I warned you. I said… We must move on… we cannot linger. But did you listen to me? Noooooo.
(turns the wheel wildly, weaving in and out of traffic)
Aragorn: I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I promise to listen to you from now on! (whimpers)
Legolas: Yes, you will. (speeds towards the exit ramp) North, yes?
Legolas: Well, let us move on! We linger no longer!
Tune in next week!