Part Five

(The fellowship has just entered the bookstore, only to be greeted by the Dark Lord Sauron himself!)

Sauron the Bookseller: Welcome to Mordor!
Merry: Oh no!
Sauron the Bookseller: Mwahahahahaha!
Aragorn: But I was SURE that the sign said B.Dalton!
(The B.Dalton sign seperates from the wall, swinging a bit before falling to the floor. The word MORDOR is revealed beneath)
Aragorn: Dang. (snaps)

(The Dark Lord Sauron the Bookseller speaks to one of his assistants, who then runs out, returning shortly, carrying Frodo and Sam by the scruffs of their necks).
Sam: Put Mr. Frodo down! I'm warning you!
Assistant: Okay (drops Frodo, who falls to the ground, landing hard. Subsequently he drops Sam on top)
Frodo: Ow!
Sam: I'm sorry, Mr. Frodo!
Sauron the Bookseller: We have been expecting you.
Boromir: We?
(a door in the back opens and the group spies the figure of Saruman wheeling himself up the aisle. He is still in a wheelchair, both legs in casts. He has also gained a neck brace, arm sling, and eye patch since the group saw him last).
Saruman: (wheeze) You... didn't honestly... think you'd (wheeze) escape!?
Aragorn: Well...I kinda thought we had.
Sauron the Bookseller: Silence! Saruman... show them our surprise!
Pippin: Oh I like surprises!
Merry: Hush, Pip!
Saruman: Come out, my Evil Fellowship!
(following Saruman's path from the door, nine figures run out -- each of them looking exactly like a corresponding member of the fellowship!)
Gimli: Achhhhhh! It can't be!
Evil Gimli: Arrrrrrrrch, but it is!
Gimli: He even has my accent!
Saruman: Meet your evil twins, and your doom, fellowship! They are your exact opposites and serve only the Dark Lord!
Boromir: Opposites eh? So they're dead?
Saruman: Ah.... no.
Boromir: Do they breath water?
Saruman: No. Look now!....
Boromir: Are they *female*?
Saruman: Shut up! Listen, they are like you yet your exact opposites, see?
Boromir: Oh, now I completely understand!
Saruman: (muttering) It dosen't matter! They are the death of you!
Evil Legolas: Aiiieeee! Aiiieeee! Its the other fellowship!
Legolas: Quiet! Stop that screaming like a girl. Its undignified!
Evil Frodo: And instead of having a slight British accent, I effect a slightly Southern one instead!
Frodo: No!
Evil Frodo: Yup.

Aragorn: We are here on a mission! You shall not stop us!
Sauron the Bookseller: We shall see! Evil Fellowship, attack!
(All the members of the Evil Fellowship, excluding Evil Gandalf, launch themselves at the others)
Saruman: Evil Gandalf, why do you stay!?
Evil Gandalf: Well, Gandalf is never around, but when he is he's effective. Me... I'm around all the time but do nothing...
Saruman: (mutters under his breath)
Evil Gandalf: Leave me alone. Do you know how OLD I am? (sits down and wipes his brow).

(The members of the fellowship are engaged in deadly battle with their counterparts. Frodo and Sam sit towards the back of the melee, huddled together. Evil Frodo walks up to them)
Evil Frodo: Ya'll have mah rang.
Sam: You'll never hurt Mr. Frodo! (lunges forward, trying to stab Evil Frodo)
Evil Frodo: Samwise!
(Evil Sam glances over at Evil Frodo, and continues with his current battle, apparantly unconcerned.)
Sam: Ha!
(Just as Sam is about to best Evil Frodo, Evil Boromir runs up, knocking the sword from Sam's hand!)
Evil Boromir: I will save you Mr. Evil Frodo!
Evil Frodo: Thankya! Ah'm sure glad yer here, Evil Boromir!
(Evil Boromir pats Evil Frodo on the shoulder)
Evil Boromir: Hey, that rhymes...
(Just as Evil Boromir and Evil Frodo are sharing a kodak moment, an arrow from Legolas's bow flies across the room, imbedding itself in Evil Boromir's chest. He dies IMMEDIATELY)
Evil Frodo: Naawwwohhhh!

(Evil Merry and Evil Pippin are also standing away from the fight)
Evil Merry: Lets fight Evil Pippin! I want to see some action!
Evil Pippin: No, Evil Merry. I do not think that would be sensible. Come this way
(Evil Pippin and Evil Merry start to build a wall of books around them. Just as they are about finished Aragorn dives over the wall, arrows shooting overhead)
Evil Merry: Hey! You can't be in here! This is our fort!
Evil Pippin: Yes, I'm afraid your going to have to leave.
Aragorn: I could always take you hostage!
Evil Pippin: Indeed. But as you and I both know, Sauron cares nothing for the lives of his minions. Taking me hostage will get you nowhere.
Aragorn: Say, your much more sensible than our Pippin...
(just then, Evil Legolas is thrown through the book wall, practically into Aragorn's lap. Aragorn grabs Evil Legolas in a choke-hold before he can recover himself)
Evil Legolas: Aiiee! Aiiee! Aiiee!
Legolas: (walking up) I said STOP that!!

(Just as Aragorn and Legolas finish tieing up their hostages, they hear the sounds of battle dying around them. The members of the fellowship have defeated their evil twins)
Sauron: Curse you, fellowship! But this isn't the end! Come, Saruman.
(Saruman wheels after Sauron, who grabs the MORDOR sign on his way out)
Boromir: They're getting away!
Aragorn: Indeed! Lets go! (starts walking out quickly dragging Evil Pippin behind him)
Legolas: Wait! That isn't our Pippin!
Aragorn: Sure it is. Shut up! Lets go.
(Merry and Pippin run out from behind counter)
Pippin: Wait for me! (trips while running in front of Merry, who also trips over him. They both go sprawling on the ground to land at Aragorn's feet)
Aragorn: (sighs)....oh my, would you look at that. Dear me, how could I have made such a terrible error?
Legolas: (nodding sagely as he ties and gags Evil Pippin with the rest) The power of darkness is that of deception.
Aragorn: (mutter) Yeah, whatever.

(Aragorn turns towards the display of bookmarks with golden rings attached)
Aragorn: It looks like we need to destroy all of these. No rings of power can remain.
(unclips all the rings and tosses them in a bag)
Aragorn: Wow, pretty heavy. Here Frodo. (hands the bag to Frodo)
Frodo: No!
Aragorn: Listen now, your the RingBearer. Bear some Rings.
(Frodo whimpers)

Aragorn: Now we must be off! For the freedom of Middle-Earth! (Raises his sword)
All: For the freedom of Middle-Earth!
(just as they are about to charge out the entrance, a sales clerk walks up to Aragorn)
Bookseller: Is there anything I can help you with today?
Aragorn: Err... no that's okay...
Bookseller: John Grisham has a new one out. Do you like fiction?
Legolas: I do!
Gimli: Arghh. More of a true crime person myself!
Aragorn: We can't *DO* this -- we have a quest to complete!
Bookseller: It will only take a minute! PLEASE buy a book from us!! (flings herself to the ground, wrapping her arms around his foot)
Aragorn: No! Leave me alone! (makes his way to the entrance, dragging his weighted leg behind him).
Bookseller: We have mystery! We have romance! Do you like trees?
Legolas: I do!
Gimli: Arghh. More of a rock and mineral person myself!
Aragorn: Ahh! (finally frees his leg and runs out)
(Everyone else looks at each other, shrugs and follows. The bookseller gets to her feet and, spying Evil Gandalf still sitting in the corner, walks over to him)
Bookseller: (brightly) Is there anything I can help you with today?
Evil Gandalf: Um... no... leave me alone.... (scoots the opposite direction)

What happens? Tune in next week!