Part Four

(The fellowship just emerges from the courthouse, loitering around in the street)

Gandalf: I have an errand to run, see you later. (leaves)
Aragorn: Err.....

(Pippin sees a man opening a newspaper dispenser and remove one. He tries to do so himself only to have the door swing back up with him inside! Merry manages to rescue him from fate worse than death. The others are oblivious)

Boromir: Aragorn, these paths are treacherous. I fear we must do the worst!
Aragorn: What is that, pray tell?
Boromir: I fear we must... go to our mental health meeting.
Aragorn: What?? We cannot put off the quest for the ring to go to a... mental health meeting.
Boromir: But the streets grow dangerous! I fear they are after us because... they know we have not done what we swore.
Aragorn: (considering) Perhaps you are right. We will go tonight.
(Legolas walks up)
Legolas: There is a shadow of threat growing in my mind. I think we should leave now.
Aragorn: Shut up. When I want your opinion I'll give it to you.
Legolas: I've been around for 2,931 years! You think I don't know when there is danger?
Aragorn: Maybe, but *I* am king. See? (points to his ring) Kiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnng!
Legolas: .....................


(the members of the fellowship enter the room)
Instructor: Welcome, please sit down. Take a sticker sheet and name tag to fill out.
(they each take a name tag and sticker sheet before being seated)
Instructor: Alright, today we are going to discuss...yes?
(points to Boromir, who has his hand raised)
Boromir: We need more stickers.
Instructor: Pardon?
Boromir: We need more stickers.
Instructor: But why?
Boromir: We have run out.
Instructor: Let me see....
(glances over Boromir's shoulder at his nametag, which reads, "Boromir son of Denethor, stew)
Instructor: A first name would be sufficient
Boromir: It is not our way.
Instructor: All of you?
(Aragorn raises his tag, which reads "Aragorn, son of Arat")
Aragorn: I do not like mine either.
Instructor: Say, I have an idea.... You can stretch all the stickers you have out if you just replace some of the "o"s with "i"s... hmm... and the "a"s with "k"s.... yes, that would work!
Aragorn: I'm not so sure...
Instructor: You'll deal!
Aragorn: Yes maam.

Instructor: Now then, lets introduce ourselves, shall we? Legilks, would you please begin?
Legolas: Legolas.
Instructor: Your nametag says "Legilks"
Gimli: Come on, sin of Thrknduil, tell us about yourself!
Legolas: Shut up! Sin of Gliin!
Gimli: (jumping to his feet) Why I...!
Instructor: Now now... that's not the way to start off.

Instructor: Okay, Legolas, please continue.
Legolas: Well I was born almost 3000 years ago in Mirkwood, far from here. I am an elf.
All: Hi, Legilks.
Legolas: ......................
Instructor: I see. And when was it you first started believing you were a fairy?
Legolas: I'm not a fairy, I'm an elf!
Boromir: (whispers to Aragorn) I always said he was a fairy.
Instructor: But you have pointed ears like fairies.
Legolas: ELVES have pointed ears. Fairies have wings.
Instructor: May I see your wings?
Legolas: I don't have wings!
Instructor: (soothingly) See, Legolas? You can't keep this illusion up forever. I'm here to help you.
(Legolas sits down again, exasperated , rather roughly falling back into his seat)

(Instructor smiles, turning towards Boromir)
Instructor: So, tell us about yourself, Birimir.
Boromir: Boromir
Instructor: You can't borrow it I'm afraid, the space station is already destroyed.
Boromir: ...................*what*?
Instructor: Please continue
Boromir: (shakes his head, as if to clear it) I am Boromir, son of Denethor, heir to Gondor. Not the true heir though. Only heir of the stewardship -- my true lord is Aragorn, here.
Instructor: I see, so you worship Aragorn?
Boromir: Well I wouldn't put it that way... more like I owe him my life, soul and allegiance.
Instructor: Do you view Aragorn as having any special abilities beyond that of humans?
Boromir: He has a wicked right hook.
Instructor: Very well. Fridi?
Frodo: (in a small voice) The ring whispers to me always...
Instructor: Okay. Lets take a 10 minute break. (leaves)

Instructor: (walking back in) Alright, lets con... What happened?!??
(The room appears as if a tornado has gone through it, Merry and Pippin are standing in the center of the mess)
Merry : (looking innocent) The Ringwraiths were here!
Pippin: We just saved yer life!
Instructor:....... here are your certificates. Get out.

(outside the hospital)

Boromir: Well what are we supposed to do now?
Aragorn: Find the forging place of the ring! We have our mental health certificates now... we can go anywhere!
Boromir: Right!
Pippin: ... Where are we goin'?
Merry: Pay attention Pip! So, where are we off to?
Aragorn: Obviously the best place to gather information would be a place where many people reside.
Legolas: Aragorn....
Aragorn: Quiet, I'm concentrating. Now, if we can just follow someone out from here they should lead us to a popular gathering area!
Legolas: But right across the street......
Aragorn: Shhhhhh!!
Legolas: Oh for heaven's sake. (leaves)
Aragorn: Ah ha! Follow that elf! He will lead us to the town!
(Everyone looks at each other, shrugs, and follows Aragorn in pursuit of Legolas)

(In the parking lot of Hanes Mall)
Aragorn: I knew it! My plan worked!
Legolas: ..........................
Aragorn: Your just jealous.
Gimli: Heh heh
Legolas: (turns away and stares at the trees, pointedly ignoring everyone)
Aragorn: Well lets go!

(the fellowship walks up to the doors, only to be stopped by a security officer)
Security Officer: I'm sorry guys, but your going to have to leave the weapons outside.
Legolas: Okay.
Aragorn: Never! Mine is the very blade Anduril that cut the hand from the Dark Lord Sauron. The blade that has been broken and reforged once again! Never will I let another touch the sacred blade lest it be the touch of death as breath leaves his body!
Gimli: And this is my cool ax.
Boromir: But the court said we could carry our blades because we were mentally healthy (shows his certificate).
Security Officer: (squints at the paper) Maybe so, but its mall policy. Sorry guys.
Aragorn: Well alright, if it must be done for the quest... (sets the blade down)
Gimli: Well I guess my ax isn't that cool (sets it down too)
Aragorn: Make sure no one touches them!
Security Officer: Okay.
Aragorn: And make sure they have a nice spot in the shade, Anduril hates to sit out in the sunlight.
Security Officer:.......okay.
Aragorn: Oh, and give him a nice pillow to sit on! And if we aren't back by 8:00 he always likes to have a bedtime story read to him. "Sword in the Stone" is his fav.... ack!
(is pulled through the door by the others)


Legolas: This place chills me to the deepest parts of my heart.
Gimli: I like it!
Legolas: The trees.. alas... they are imprisoned within this fortress.
Gimli: They are only stupid palm trees. Would it make you feel better to go hug them?
Legolas: .... Yes. (walks over to one of the palm trees and wraps his arms around it)
Aragorn: We must hasten.
Boromir: (crouched over the ground) Aragorn, look at this!
(everyone walks over and peers at the ground)
Aragorn: What is it?
Boromir: Writing on the ground! Perhaps it is a clue as to our destination!
Frodo: It looks like some form of elvish.
Legolas: Not a form of elvish I know.
Frodo: I wish Gandalf were here.
Aragorn: Perhaps I can decipher it...
(just then, a man with a large mop comes along and mops up the drink spill on the floor before walking off again)
Boromir: ........................
Aragorn: Umm..... lets go this way.
(muttered "okays" are heard throughout the group before following Aragorn out into the main part of the mall)

(passing Suncoast, Aragorn looks in and sees a large poster display for "Lord of the Rings")
Aragorn: Legolas, look at this!
Legolas: Don't start with me....
Aragorn: Its you!
Legolas: (turning) I *said*... hey...
Aragorn: See?
Legolas: Your right... it is me.
Aragorn: Have you seen Frodo?
Legolas: I look good!
Aragorn: We need to go.... (grabs Legolas and starts to drag him off)
Legolas: How much do you think they co... hey!

(Enter JCPennys)

Aragorn: This place is a labyrinth of passages, we must be wary... Everyone, make a buddy chain so nobody gets los... where is Gimli?
(Legolas looks around)
(Gimli suddenly emerges from a group of clothing racks, wearing a flowered skirt)
Legolas: Gimli! Your... wearing a skirt...
Gimli: Arrrrrch! Its not a skirt, its a kilt! I got one for you! (holds out skirt)
Legolas: Err... no thanks.
Gimli: Its not like it would be unnatural for you.
Legolas: Shut up!

Aragorn: I am not finding anything on this floor, perhaps we should go upstairs.
Legolas: (spying the escalator) Ah! A magical stairway!
(The group reaches the top and find themselves in the center of the store)
Boromir: Err... anyone remember which way we were supposed to turn?
Aragorn: Hmm... I think it was this way...
Frodo: I wish Gandalf were here.
(Gandalf appears)
Gandalf: Just wanted to make sure your doing okay. Gotta run, bye!
(Gandalf disappears)
Frodo: ....h, hey!
Aragorn: Ah... lets go right.

(Exit JCPennys)
Aragorn: Dang, this is exactly where we were before.
Legolas: My picture! (runs into Suncoast)

(The group goes back through the store and emerges on the other side
Legolas runs up, clutching a bag to his chest)

Legolas: Wait for me!
Gimli: What is that?
Legolas: No business of yours.
Gimli: Hmph.
Boromir: Say, Aragorn. Do you remember when Gandalf needed guidance he would always go to the library?
Aragorn:...... yes.
Boromir: Well I myself see a wealth of books just to our right.
Aragorn: Indeed! You are keen of eye, wise Boromir!
Legolas: Let us keep a low profile, I spy many suspicious looking figures about.
Aragorn: Shut up. Stupid elf.
Legolas: ............................

(Enter B.Dalton Books)

(As the fellowship enters, they see a large wall full of merchandise labeled "Lord of the Rings". Next to it, there is a stand of bookmarks, each with a golden ring attached. A woman in a blue apron stands next to the rings, stroking them lovingly.)
Rayvah the Bookseller: They are my precioussesssss...
Frodo: Ahhhhhhh! (runs from the bookstore, screaming)
Rayvah the Bookseller: Welcome to Morrrdorrr....
Aragorn: ****!
Merry: Ah, geez.
Legolas: Told you so!
Boromir: Well, this is interesting.

What happens? Tune in next week!