Part Three

Aragorn: Alright, all. How much do we have?
Gandalf: I was able to get about $43.66.
Gimli: About?
Legolas: I got $465 for selling my body.
(Gimli blinks)
Merry: Well we got $500! It was just laying around in these little boxes!
Gandalf: Little boxes?
Pippin: Well... they were locked. But not verra good so it couldna been meant ta acctually keep people out.
Merry: And defenantly not hobbits!
Aragorn: Did anyone see you?
Pippin: Ah! Nae a soul! Except fer de nice security guard who tried to 'elp us carry it. Was quite pushy acctually. Told us we'd hae ta come wi' him if we dinna let him have it.
Gandalf: I think we should be moving on now...
Aragorn: I agree.



(at the airport)
Flight Register: Well I'm afraid because this is a last minute booking there is a rate increase. Your final price will be $1250.
Frodo: Oh, no.
Sam: Now we have no time to make more
Aragorn: Well, there is only one thing to do.
Gimli: Legolas, show him your stuff!
Legolas: What??
Gimli: You know.
Legolas: I'm afraid I don't.
Gimli: Mount the arrow on the bow?
Legolas: ....................
Gimli: Show off your archery equiptment?
Legolas:....................
Gimli: Fire in the hole?
Legolas: Aragorn!
Aragorn: Stop it, both of you!
Flight Register: (slightly flushed) Oh, it appears that 9 extra seats just opened up. I can give them to you for $1000.
Frodo: Wonderful!
(Aragorn pays the flight attendant and accepts the tickets)



(security check)
Security Guard: Okay, please take all metal objects off your body and lay them down before you step through the machine.
(everyone lays down their items)
Security Guard: An axe, a long sword, 5 daggers.... these could possibly be considered lethal weapons. I think your going to have to check them.
Aragorn: Alright.... as long as they will be faithfully reuinted with us at our destination. This is the ancient and legendary reforged sword of my ancestors!
Security Guard: Yeah, sure.
(Frodo steps through the metal detector, it beeps loudly)
Security Guard: Your going to have to take off that metal ring.
Frodo: (blinks innocently) *what* ring?
Security Guard: The large pizza ring around your neck.
Frodo: (snarl) You can't have it! Its mine! My precious!
Security Guard: Look, sir, if you don't remove the ring I'm going to have to call security.
Frodo: No! Its mine! It was a birthday present!
(Security guard presses a button, summoning two police officers who take Frodo by the arms)
Cop #1: I'm afraid your going to have to come with us, sir.
Sam: Take your hands off Mr. Frodo!
Cop #2: Are you going to give us trouble too? Looks like we'll have to take you into custody as well.
Aragorn: Your not taking my hobbits!
Cop #1: Just for some questioning.
Aragorn: Over my dead body!
(Aragorn grabs his sword and begins attacking the cops. The rest of the fellowship join him.)
Security Guard: Security!
(More security officers arrive to join in the melee. A somewhat large crowd starts to form)
Security Guard: Nothing to see here! Move along!
Spectator: But there's a bunch of guys from the Renaissance Faire fighting.
Security Guard: Oh that. Well there is nothing *else* to see.
Spectator: Okay. (walks off)
(The cops eventually outnumber the companions to such a degree that they are overwhelmed)
Cop #124: That's it! Were taking all of you down to the station!



(police station)

Frodo: I'm sorry
Aragorn: Its alright, Frodo.
Gimli: Say, Gandalf, why didn't ya just blast 'em all with some magic 'o yers!
Gandalf: Such a waste of human life. Besides, was trying to remember that dratted fireball spell. Wonderful spell, that.
(the door opens and Legolas is escorted in)
Aragorn: Are you all right?
Legolas: I'm okay. They said I was clean. Of course I'm clean. I always bathe. Even there. I don't understand why they had to...
Gimli: SO! What did they tell you, Aragorn?
Legolas: (slightly annoyed) Yes, how are we to continue our quest in this prison?
Aragorn: They said that tomorrow we will have a trial...
Gimli: By fire??
Legolas: By sword??
Boromir: By cooking??
(Everyone blinks at Boromir)
Boromir: Never underestimate my culinary power!
Aragorn: No... by jury.
(Collective gasp)
Boromir: Pray tell what creature is that?
Aragorn: From best I could understand we will be judged guilty or not-guilty by our peers. People just like us.
Frodo: God help us all!!!!



(Aragorn and the rest of the fellowship are escorted into the courtroom. The judge then enters)
Judge: Be seated.
Sam: I wonder who the jury is going to be?
(The jury door opens and nine ring wraiths enter)
Aragorn: What is this!?
Judge: Your jury. You see, the jury had to be of your peers. And we couldn't find anyone else around from Middle Earth.
(the wraiths seat themselves)
Ring Wraith #3: (waving) Orrrrrrllllannndooo! Thaaannnksssss forrrrr ssssignnninnng mmmmyy aassshesss! I looooovvve yyyooouuu!
(Legolas sinks down in his seat)
Judge: They are slightly biased....
Ring Wraith #4: Death upon the Fellowship and all hobbits!
Judge: .... but they were the best we could find.
Gandalf: This is going to be interesting.

(The doors open from the back, and Saruman enters. He is seated in a wheelchair, both legs in casts)
Saruman: Indeed, that is an understatement... old friend.
Gandalf: Saruman!
Saruman: Hahaha! I have you in my clutches once again!
Judge: Would the prosecuting party please take their place?
Gandalf: But this trial isn't even about how I easily defeated you and broke your legs. Oh, and stole $43.66
Saruman: (snarls) I am acting attorney! Your the ones who will pay now!
(wheels himself over to the table)
Gandalf: Why did you have that by the way? Does Sauron give you an allowance?
Saruman: Shut up.

Baliff: The judge will now hear all complaints. First case, The Fellowship vs. The People, please approach the bench.
(Gandalf and Saruman approach the bench. Gandalf bumps Saruman's wheelchair, pushing it quickly towards the bench, where Saruman's leg hits the wall, causing him to cringe in pain)
Gandalf: Oh, sorry about that.
Saruman: !!!........!!!!......#@$%!
Gandalf: Now, now.
Judge: What is the complaint?
Saruman: Your honor, these fiends have endangered public welfare by fighting and killing in a public area!
Gandalf: It was simply self defense, we are on a mission you see -- a mission that will save the earth -- we cannot be hindered.
Saruman: Your honor, I would like to call my first witness.
Judge: Proceed
Saruman: I call Boromir to the stand!
(collective gasp)
Boromir: But why?
Judge: Please take the stand.
Boromir: well, ok.

Saruman: Now, Boromir, you've been with this fellowship well since the beginning, yes?
Boromir: Well, depends on what you mean by the beginning. The beginning could very well mean the beginning of my life. Or the beginning of earth, or...
Saruman: The beginning of the fellowship, Mr. Mir.
Boromir: Oh. Yes.
Saruman: And tell me! How many countless lives have they taken in their so-called "quest"!!?
Boromir: Well I never really counted....
Saruman: aha! So you admit you have killed many times before!
Boromir: Well, yeah.
Saruman: And will you tell us that all of these killings were justified?
Boromir: Of course. We are on a quest.
Saruman: A quest?
Boromir: We seek the holy... erm, we seek a way to destroy the Pizza Ring of Power.
Saruman: Is this the ring that your friend here refused to remove in the airport?
Boromir: Yes.
Saruman: Tell me, Mr. Mir, are your companions honorable?
Boromir: Absolutly.
Saruman: Tell me about them.
Boromir: Well, there is Gandalf -- he is a mighty wizard, even though he wears a dress. Legolas wore a dress too, once, but he can still shoot pretty "straight" anyways. Heh, get it?
Saruman: .........................
Boromir: (clears his throat) Of course there are the hobbits, who got pulled into all this against their will.
Saruman: Against their will? Are you saying they were kidnapped?
Boromir: Well probably not. Probably just blackmailed. I wouldn't put it past Gandalf. Heck, maybe he's not all that honorable. I woke up missing a belt buckle once. Bet it was him. Come to think of it...
(Gandalf stands up)
Gandalf: Objection
Judge: On what grounds?
Gandalf: Your honor, our companion Boromir has a history of being a chronic liar.
Boromir: (looking shocked) I never!
Gandalf: You pretended to be dead after the orc attack
Boromir: Well I was tired you know? Dead tired, yeah... I almost regreted it though after you sent me over the waterfalls.
Gandalf: And at Kmart you told us you were fine when you had several arrows imbeded in your chest.
Boromir: ..... it got better.
Judge: Sustained. You may step down, Mr. Mir.
Boromir: Well, okay.
Judge: Do the defendants have any witnesses?
Gandalf: None, your honor.
Judge: Then we will call a small recess for the jury to make their decision.



Judge: Rise and receive your sentance.
(The members of the fellowship stand.)
RW1: Weeeee fiiiiinnnnd theeeee defeeennndantsssss nnnot-guiiilllltyyy byyy rrrrreaasssssonn of innsssaannniityy.
Aragorn: WE are insane?
Frodo: What does this mean?
Judge: Basically that you are free to go.
(Baliff hands the confiscated weapons back to fellowship)
Judge: Just remember, no more killing sprees, eh?
Boromir: Sure.
(Just as they are leaving, the judge stops them)
Judge: Oh, and don't forget to attend the monthly mental health meetings.
Boromir: Defenantly.
(Saruman wheels over to the wraiths)
Saruman: Insanity?? What do you think your doing??
Ring Wraith #2: Welllll wwweeee prrromissssseddd tooo judgggge faaairrrrrrlyyy.
Saruman: You think that matters!?
Ring Wraith #1: Weeee eeveeennn puuuut oooouuuurrrr haaaannnnd onnnnn theeee Biiiibllllleeee!!!
Ring Wraith #3: I loooovvveee Orrrrlllaaannnndoooo!
Saruman: Idjiots!



(outside)
Frodo: I'm glad that is over! But... what are we to do now?
Aragorn: Don't lose heart! If it is the last thing I EVER do -- I swear I will see you safely upon your Quest for the Destruction of the Pizza Ring! I swear on my father's grave! And on my grand-fathers grave! And on my great grand-fathers grave! And on the grave on my cousin's fifth uncles brother's father's grave!
Frodo: Uh... thanks.


What happens? Tune in next week!