(The Fellowship, just having escaped from the Ring Wraiths, stands
at the far end of Kmart. They appear to be waiting for something)
(Aragorn leans over, picking up a detached plastic plant leaf laying on the ground)
Aragorn: Say, look at this Legolas!
Aragorn: It's you!
Legolas: Shut up.
Sam: So what SHOULD we do with the ring?
Aragorn: Well, Frodo and I already found the Fountains of Doom, but this new ring couldn't be destroyed there.
Merry: Well, where was it made?
(Frodo turns the ring around on his neck, squinting down)
Aragorn: Then that is our destination! Legolas, go to the airport and price the tickets for us!
(Legolas walks up)
Aragorn: What news from the airport?
Legolas: Well, they had 2 flights to Taiwan, and 1 for Middle Earth.
Frodo: Ah, home!
Legolas: It will cost us all at least $1000.
Gimli: We must leave quickly! Before the discount season is over!
Aragorn: (solomnly) Yes, I know. Yet, we still have no money for tickets.
Gimli: Arghm! But I can only think of one way to make over $1000 in a
single night in such a backwards, sin ridden, sodomous town such as
(Gimli glances at Legolas)
Gimli: Oh give it up, ye wee elf!
Legolas: Aragorn, make him stop!
Aragorn: That's enough, both of you.
(Legolas and Gimli quiet down)
Aragorn: We will figure out something. Rest easy for now, Legolas.
Legolas: For now??
(You hear a loud flush from behind a closed door nearby, and Gandalf steps out)
Gandalf: Much better
Aragorn: We found out where we need to go.
Legolas: What does he mean, for now??
Legolas: I don't have to take this, you are all so cruel. I'm going to go read my fan mail. (turns around and strides out)
Gimli: He'll be back.
Gandalf: We still need a way to make money, and quickly.
Aragorn: I say we split up. Surly more opportunities will present themselves if we are more spread out and approachable.
Gimli: Aye! I'll go off to find that wee elf! (leaves)
(Everyone leaves except Gandalf, and just as he turns around he
spies none other than Saruman sitting in a wheelchair, his leg in a
cast, waving his staff around)
Saruman: Now I have you!
Saruman: Ah, you are speechless with fear!
Gandalf: Are you serious?
Saruman: Now you die!
(in his wheelchair he charges towards Gandalf, who nimbly steps aside, allowing Saruman to crash head-first into the wall)
(Gandalf walks over to Saruman and searches his pockets)
Gandalf: Well now we only need $956.34. Hmph.
(kicks Saruman in the shin as he walks away)
Aragorn: Clearly I think our best options for money making lie beyond the doors of Kmart.
Frodo: I agree. Getting a job here is hopeless. Boromir has been most eloquent in that lesson to me.
(Aragorn and Frodo step outside, as they do they see a huge building burning about half a mile away)
Frodo: What is that?
Aragorn: I can't see it... its.... oh no! Its Orlando's fan mail warehouse!
Frodo: That's where he said he was going! We must save him!
(Frodo and Aragorn arrive at the already-destroyed warehouse)
Frodo: Legolas! Oh no, what happened?
(Aragorn stomps about in the ashes, looking around)
Aragorn: According to my expert tracking skill, I would say that there was a fire.
(Frodo starts to cry)
Frodo: Its all my fault.
Aragorn: We must give our comrade a proper burial
Frodo: But we don't know which ashes are his.
Aragorn: Hmm... well I don't suppose it much matters they all look alike..... say, I have an idea!
(drags Frodo away)
(Back at Kmart, Frodo and Aragorn are sitting at a booth with a large banner reading:
Orlando Bloom mystery ashes! For everyone who wants some Orlando of
their own! Only $5.00 a box! Get 'em while they're still hot!
Frodo: Is this right?
Aragorn: He would have wanted it this way.
(A small crowd gathers around the booth, Aragorn stands up to speak to them)
Aragorn: Step right up! You can own a peice of Orlando for yourselves! Makes a great gift or coffee table decoration!
Spectator: What's acctually inside?
Aragorn: Well, its debatable, really. But rest assured, there IS at least some incinerated Orlando featured within each box!
Spectator: I want one!
Ring Wraith: I willlll taaaaaaaake twooooooo!!!
(Just then, Legolas walks up)
Legolas: What's all this??
Frodo: Legolas! I thought you were dead!
Legolas: No. I have two warehouses full of fan mail, I was in the other.
(The wraith goes up to Legolas)
Ring Wraith: Willlll yyyyyoooou sssssign mmmminnne?
Ring Wraith: Pleaasssssssee?
Legolas: Well..... okay.
Spectator: Hey, he's alive! I want my money back!
Aragorn: Amazing! Wow, someone's dead ashes autographed by the person themselves -- that will certainly be rare and valuable.
Spectator: Well.... you have a point. (turns to Legolas) Will you sign mine too?
Aragorn: Excellent! Stay here Legolas, we shall return!
(Aragorn and Frodo run off the other way, leaving Legolas in the center of the growing crowd)