The Quest for the Pizza Ring of Power

by Rayvah

Part One

(The two lone figures approach the large glass doors of the building)

Frodo: I'm glad your here, Sam.
Sam: Yes, I know, Mr. Frodo, you've said it at least 500 times since we left the others.
Frodo: But I really am, Sam!

(Sam and Frodo reach the doors and try to push them open, but they don't budge)
Sam: What do you suppose is wrong with them, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: There is some dark magic at work! Clearly we have at last reached the Dark Lord's Fortress!
Sam: How do we get inside?
Frodo: Perhaps we will have to sneak...
(Suddenly, the doors burst open and a lady rolls a cart of groceries out with a screaming baby seated in the front)
Sam: What a hideous beast! Why... they must be breeding hobbits and wee orcs to create a massive army of monsters!
Frodo: Sam, that is a baby!
Sam: A baby? You mean like the stork brings?
Frodo: Sam, don't you know....?
Sam: Know what, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Never mind. Quickly! Before the doors close!
(Both hobbits dive through the door before it shuts behind them once again)
Frodo: Okay! We gotta find the fountains of Doom! Lets go!

(Four dark shapes materialize seemingly out of nowhere at the very edge of the parking lot. They move as if spirits and begin quickly making their way towards the doors of the building, which do not open for them)
Ring Wraith #1: Opppppennnn the doooorssssssss
Ring Wraith #3: Theyyyyy arrrre ssseallled by darrrrrrk magicssssssss
Ring Wraith #1: Usssssse yourrrrrrr headsssssss
(RW3 picks up RW1 and hurls him against the door, they remain shut)
Ring Wraith #3: Currrrrsssssessssss.
(Just then the doors, labeled "Exit Only", open and a couple step out, nod politely to the wraiths, and continue on)
Ring Wraith #3: It worrrrrkeeeed.

(inside)
Ring Wraith #1: Weeeeee musssssst fiiiinnnnnd the hobbbisssssss.
Ring Wraith #3: Theyyyy musssssst be therrrrrrrre!
(points to the "Employees Only" door, but just as they are about to enter, a man rushes out and stops, staring at them)
HR Director: Oh! Are you here to fill the sales rep. position??
Ring Wraith #1: Whhhhhooooo arrrrrre yooooouu?
HR Director: I'm director of Human Resources!
Ring Wraith #3: Weeeee arrrree nooooot huuuummmmannn, buuuut wrrrrrraaaaithhhhs.
HR Director: Oh, but you USED to be human, right?
Ring Wraiths: ...........
HR Director: Thats just fine, Kmart USED to be a good store! Come along!
(Goes back through the door, dragging one ring wraith with the rest following)

(Legolas, Gimli, Aragorn and Gandalf approach the doors of Kmart. They walk right up to the door yet it remains unmoving)
Gimli: Terrific! Trust an elf to bring us to an impassable road!
Legolas: I was not even leading!
Gimli: Oh, too afraid to take the front??
Legolas: Why I....!
Aragorn: Children!
(Gimli and Legolas quiet down)
Aragorn: Gandalf, what think you of this new deviltry?
Gandalf: It is obviously dark, evil magic at work. We are deep in strange territory and I must think hard on this riddle.
(Gandalf peers closely at the doors, places his staff against them and begins to chant loudly in an unrecognizable language)
Aragorn: Listen, Gandalf....
Gandalf: Quiet! If I am to solve this puzzle I shall need all my wits about me!
Aragorn: But...
Gandalf: Shhh!

(Several minutes pass with Gandalf either staring silently at the doors or chanting loudly at them)

Aragorn: You know...
Gandalf: No! I have just about solved it! If only...
(The doors suddenly slide open and a man emerges and walks out, past the group. Legolas leaps out of his seat and dives through the door)
Legolas: Me first!
Gimli: Grrr.
(The rest of the group runs through the door quickly before it shuts again)
Gandalf: See! I told you I would get it!
Aragorn: Say, Gandalf, is "Exit Only" an elvish phrase?
Gandalf: Shut up.

Gandalf: Okay, we must split up to find the hobbits!
(Everyone goes off in their own directions, leaving Gandalf alone. As he turns around he sees Saruman!)
Saruman: You didn't honestly think I'd let you go so easily did you?
Gandalf: Drats! I thought you were back in Seattle!
Saruman: My castle does NOT look like the Space Needle!
Gandalf: Does too.
Saruman: You will regret those words!
(fires his staff at Gandalf, flinging him to the ground)
Gandalf: Arghhh! Time out! My hip! My hip!
Saruman: No mercy!
(Gandalf trips Saruman with his staff, and they are both laying on the ground next to each other)
Saruman: Ugh! I'm.... having.... chest.... pains.....
(Gandalf and Saruman start pulling each other's hair, Gandalf finally manages to strangle Saruman by wrapping his hair around his throat)
Gandalf: Hmph
(stands up and kicks Saruman in the shin before walking away)

(Frodo and Sam walk back to the pizza shop and past the door that says "Employees Only". Boromir is standing there making a pizza, three arrow shafts sticking out of his chest)
Frodo: Boromir!
Sam: Boromir!
(Boromir looks up, startled)
Boromir: Oh, hello Frodo and Sam!
Frodo: What happened to you??
Boromir: Just a run in with some Orcs, I'm okay.
Sam: But ya have three arrows sticking out of you!"
Boromir: Oh these? I've had worse. Actually they are quite convenient.
(picks up a sauce spoon and hangs it from the wooden arrow)
Boromir: See?
Frodo and Sam: ......................
(Boromir slips in a bit of sauce on the floor and lands on his stomach and the spoon wacks him in the head while one of his arrows breaks off, stabbing him in the leg. After a few moments, he struggles to his feet again)
Boromir: I'm okay, I'm okay.
Frodo and Sam: .......................

Frodo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Is it secret?? Is it safe?? Is it safe AND secret??????
Frodo: The ring will be safe here! No one ever comes to Kmart. Lord Sauron need never get his hands on it.
Gandalf: Yes, but there was another who knew where it was to be hidden. I don't know how long they tortured Gollum, but they were able to extract one sentence from him: "The ring is in a Kmart Supercenter in Winston-Salem, North Carolina on the corner of 3rd and Main street!"
Frodo: "The ring is in a Kmart Supercenter in Winston-Salem, North Carolina on the corner of 3rd and Main street?" But that would lead them here!
Gandalf: uh... yeah
Frodo: Whatever shall we do???
Gandalf: You must take the ring to the fountains of Doom, go with Aragorn!

Aragorn: We must ask someone where the fountains of Doom are!
Frodo: But we musn't be seen!
Aragorn: There are ring wraiths about!
Frodo: Oh no! I see one now!
(A wraith, clad in a red vest reading "How may I help you?" floats up to the pair)
Wraith: Isssss thhere anythhhing..... Ahhhh! Itssssss the halfling!
(Frodo and Aragorn dive behind the snack kiosk, the wraith closing in on them)
Frodo: I am not a halfling! They are over in cosmetics!
(the wraith pauses, thoughtful)
Wraith: Curssssessss, the cusssssstomer is alwayssssss riggggght!

(Aragorn suddenly grabs a lady walking by and pulls her behind the kiosk)
Aragorn: You must tell us where the fountains of doom are!
Lady: I umm... think they are near the bathrooms.
Aragorn: Forever am I in your debt, come Frodo!
(Aragorn leaps from behind the kiosk, dragging Frodo with him)

(Aragorn and Frodo walk up to the water fountains)
Aragorn: This is a hideous and loathsome place! The only place such a ring could have been crafted! Frodo, the ring!
Frodo: Umm... I lost it
Aragorn: Lost it??
Frodo: Well its so little... but when we found Boromir I got a new one. This one is much easier to keep track of!
(pulls out a somewhat large golden pizza-ring)
Aragorn: What is that?
Frodo: Its the pizza ring of power!
Aragorn: ..............
Frodo: Its even easier to wear! (slips it around his neck)
Aragorn: .............

(Legolas dives behind the snack kiosk while the ring wraiths look around hopelessly for him, unfortunately landing directly on top of Gimli)
Gimli: Garrrr... find yer own spot!
Legolas: Cease! We must work together to defeat the wraiths!
Gimli: Oh I suppose so, alright.
Legolas: Its only...
Gimli: ?
Legolas: I'm a little home sick....
(Gimli stands up)
Gimli: Lets go find Merry and Pip.
Legolas: Even the mold on the hotdogs reminds me of the green treetops of home...
(reaches for one of the hotdogs)
Gimli: Come on!
(grabs Legolas's arm, dragging him away from the kiosk)

(Gimli and Legolas, a well-ripened hotdog in his hand, walk up)
Aragorn: Any luck finding Merry or Pippin?
Gimli: None
(Aragorn glances at Legolas)
Aragorn: Say, I like your weiner.
Legolas: Why, Thank you.

Aragorn: So, Legolas Greenleaf, eh?
Legolas: Yes
Aragorn: Did you know that "Legolas" in Elvish means "Greenleaf"?
Legolas: .............
Aragorn: So your name is Greenleaf Greenleaf?
Legolas: Shut up.

(Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Frodo walk into the back room of the pizza station where they see Boromir, still full of arrow shafts, happily making pizzas)
Aragorn: Boromir! I thought you were dead!
Boromir: Oh no I'm fine.
Aragorn: Frodo! Give me the pizza ring! We can destroy it in the oven!
Frodo: The ring?
Aragorn: Where is it??
Frodo: I just had it....
(There is a loud clang and they all turn around to see Merry and Pippin playing horse-shoes with the pizza rings)
Aragorn: There they are!
Gimli: Arckkkk! You can't play horse-shoes with the pizza ring of power!
Legolas: Yes, everyone knows horse-shoes must be played with a crescent shaped ring!
(Boromir walks over in an attempt to take the ring, but slips in the process, causing a knife laying on the counter to fall and imbed itself in his back)
Aragorn: No!
(Boromir struggles to his feet after a moment)
Boromir: Its okay, I'm fine.

(several wraiths burst in and begin attacking Boromir)
Boromir: Argh! Run! Save yourselves!
(They all glance at each other, shrug, and run the opposite direction)
Boromir: Hey!

(They all arrive, panting, at the other end of the store)
Merry: I think we lost 'em!
Aragorn: The question now is, what do we do with the ring?
(Boromir walks up, a few more arrows sticking out of his back and looking worse for the wear)
Boromir: I know where we could take it!
All: Ack!
(Boromir blinks)
Pippin: Why won't you die!?
(Pippin jumps up onto Boromir's back and begins to bash him in the head with a large pizza pan)
Boromir: Ow!