The Archer Mice of Middle-earth
The Taking of Mousegiliath
Pipsqueak entered the great hall
Tirith and timorously scuttled across the wide tiled floor to the
throne of the Steward of Gondrodent, Denemouse.
Pipsqueak was wearing armour given to him by Faramouse, son in
disfavour of Denemouse. The Steward's favourite son, Boromouse, was at
that moment trying to steer his Elfmouse canoe through the rapids of
the Anduin, having been sent over the falls by mistake after his
comrades found him sneaking a nap in the boat and thought he was
Pipsqueaks's tiny paws made clicking noises on the polished tiles and
he had to concentrate so that his tail did not drag. For a helmet he
was wearing a thimble with holes cut for his eyes and whiskers, a mail
shirt of knitted steel wool (00004 grade) and a tiny sword made of a
ground-down hatpin. Many hats blew away across Dublin Four during the
War of the Ring, their pins having been stolen by the heroic Archer
Courtier mice watched the scene from a safe distance, and
Faramouse, the son in disfavour, watched from a dangerous distance.
Denemouse allowed Pipsqueak to approach and his whiskers twitched
eagerly. He got to his paws, his long, black robe, lined with cat fur,
trailed out behind him. He was a tall and commanding mouse, and he
boomed in his loud voice;
'Do you swear fealty to the Steward of Gondrodent?'
'I do!' squeaked Pipsqueak.
'I promise to serve the Steward of Gondrodent in sickness and in
health, for richer or poorer, till death us do part....'
'Wrong oath!' hissed Faramouse, but Denemouse was so happy to find a
new servant he had not noticed. With his long snout held high he
announced in rolling tones;
'Your fealty will be rewarded! Valour with cheddar, loyalty with
stilton, disloyalty with endomice...'
'Father!' broke in Faramouse, unable to restrain his indignation.
'You can't possibly subject such a small and stupid mouse to the
'Thanks a lot!' snapped Pipsqueak. 'You can have your thimble back
'Enough!' bellowed Denemouse the Steward of Gondrodent, drawing
himself up to his full height on his hind paws. The courtier mice
grovelled, Pipsqueak looked on in awe.
'Where the blazes is my dinner!'
A line of servant mice at these words ran into the hall bearing tiny
trays of food on their heads. The trays were made out of Colman Mustard
tin lids, and the food was kept hot with covers made out of the foil
cups from chocolate boxes. The food was placed in front of Denemouse
who fell on it right away, getting gravy and tomato sauce all over his
cloak. Faramouse watched in disgust. Pipsqueak drooled.
'Anyway...' said Denemouse round a mouthful of food; 'We all know I
only want Pipsqueak in my service so I can pump information out of him.
You, however...'And he waved a chicken bone at Faramouse 'I want you to
Faramouse's silvery grey coat went pure white with shock.
'Retake Mousegiliath?' he shrieked. 'That is impossible!
Mousegiliath is overrun with day trippers. The surfing is rubbish, the
beach is too gritty and the shopping is useless. There isn't any Next
Mouse or TK Mouse or Mouse and Spencer.......'
'Enough shopping!' roared Denemouse, spraying the servant mice with
bits of chicken and tomato
'How gross!' said one.
'The more stupid my orders, the more willingly everyone will obey
them!' shouted Denemouse. Faramouse and Pipsqueak looked puzzled. Then
Faramouse brightened up.
'Father!' he cried. 'If I obey this senseless and stupid order, will
you like me more?'
'No' replied Denemouse. 'I will wonder why you obeyed a senseless and
stupid order. Now get on with it...'
Faramouse strode from the hall and went to put on his armour. This was
made from a number of baked bean cans, the beans having first been
removed, of course. It took a long time to hammer Faramouse into his
cans. As he at last set off for battle, mounted on a hamster,
Wizardmouse came running up to him;
'Faramouse! Faramouse! don't do this, don't throw your life away in the
Faramouse scrabbled at his vizor, but could not open it.
'Ze bronk faffr abny fenway lak Vorbomus' came from the metal depths of
Pipsqueak was beside Wizardmouse.
'What brave last words did he say, Gandalfmouse?' he asked in tears
as Faramouse rode out the front gate of Mouse Tirith to the cheers of a
crowd of mice. The white-robed Wizardmouse sighed and said;
'I think it was;
'at least I'll snap up the last pair of Italian loafers at Fendi's
before Boromouse can!''