The Archer Mice of Middle-earth
by Varda
Letter to Boromouse; the Revenge
of Faramouse
Mouse Tirith
9th October
Age of The Second Film
My Dear Boromouse,
What a thrill I got when I saw the Post-Rat
toiling up the steps to my little garret at the top of the White Tower!
I knew, I just knew it was a letter from you! Never mind that you have
not written since Christmas, I knew you would not forget your kid
brother!
Imagine my further delight when I read that
you have at last met your match (or perhaps I should say your mouse, ha
ha); Aramouse has stolen your thunder! How I laughed. Taking his
clothes off during that tennis tournament was pretty tricksy but so was
stealing this trip off me, so now we’re even.
I have to confess, bro, that I was pretty cut
up when you went to Rivenmouse instead of me, but in view of your ratty
experience at Elmouse's Committee Meeting where Aramouse barbecued you,
I am now glad I did not go. In fact, it hasn’t been too bad here, I got
the keys to the Ratmobile and have spent my time drag racing up and
down Pembroke Road with the motormice. The hardest thing has been
trying to keep Dad away from the Powers Irish Whiskey or from sending
me to the front. I told him I don’t do wars but you know Dad....
Actually, regarding Dad, I have a bit of bad
news for you. He is not impressed with your failure to land the lead
role in this Fellowship or whatever it is and he is talking about
changing his will and leaving me everything. I just thought you should
know :-) Just when you think you will be the first Steward to become
King, the real King shows up and nobbles you. It’s enough to make a cat
laugh. You won’t make the cover of Mouseweek now, will you?
T-shirts? That is a great idea, Boromouse. I
can do them here in Gondor too. Just imagine, ‘Faramir for Steward’,
‘Alas Poor Boromouse’, ‘Aramouse for King’ ‘Mine’s An Elf’ he he.
Killing you, am I?
Bor I have to confess that reading between
the lines I kind of admire this Aramouse guy, uniting everyone and
pulling all the birds. About his book, I always said you did not read
enough. Chicks, especially Elf-mice ladeez, just love intellectuals. I
bet he was not even reading that book but she fell for it anyway. I
told you so.
To be honest, Bor, I can’t believe you lost
out on the gig AND the girl. I never had a chance when you were at
home, now I have the field to myself. I would not advise you to chase
any more Elf lady-mice. Remember that by the time she makes up her mind
you will be drawing your pension. Why not downsize – in every sense of
the word – and go for one of those Halfmice? They will suit your new
station in life. Perhaps Frodent has a sister?
I’m sorry, Bor, I did not mean to be cruel,
but it is just so funny thinking of you on a team with a dwarfmouse! Oh
my, how droll! Or rather, how troll! Oh, my sides hurt!
I suppose you had better think about what you
will do with yourself now you aren’t in charge here. I mean, you can’t
be Steward or King, so you will have to find yourself a job. With your
experience pushing people around you could be a club bouncer. Only
joking! You could consider showbiz, you always did a great Elvis
impersonation…
Regarding this Arwenmouse, perhaps it is all
for the best. Had you married her you would have an Elf in drag for a
father in law, Dad would never approve.
But seriously, I do not know why you are
getting into a state about some tacky costume jewelry. Dropping it into
a fire sounds the best thing for it. Me, I would not even pick it up if
I saw it on the ground. Trust you to be carried away by a bit of
glamour. Leave the trinkets to Aramouse and hope the orc-rats get him
so you can be king, or else Dad will disown you, and I will be
Stewardmouse.
Come to think of it, stick with the trinket….
Well keep in touch and let me know what is
happening on this camping trip or whatever. I don’t do tents myself
although a weekend in Ithilien away from the old man and his endless
complaints about me lazing around would be nice..
Your loving brother,
Faramouse
