The Archer Mice of Middle-earth

by Varda


The Lay of Boromouse

Merrimouse and Pipsqueak just saw Boromouse the Brave fall mortally wounded when they were seized by a vile band of massive Uruk-Rats and borne away struggling down Baggot Street, across the Grand Canal lock, past the flats, into Fitzwilliam Square and onward towards Isengasworks….

The two massive lead Uruk-rats, Shagrat and Ratbag, paused then and began to argue….

‘They’re too ‘eavy! Let’s eat them!’
‘They..’ roared Ratbag ‘..are not for eating! Sarumouse’s orders!’
‘Whyever not?’ whined Shagrat ‘I’m tired of week-old cheddar and End-o-Rat. What about a bit off the flank….’

And Shagrat raised his scimitar, a honed and sharpened vegetable peeler, to remove a choice cut of Archer Mouse, when Ratbag brought down his weapon on him, a mace constructed of one half of a pair of electrical pliers. Shagrat squeeled. Ratbag grunted.
‘Anyrat else want some of this?’

The Uruk-rats cowered for a moment and Merrimouse and Pipsqueak had a breather. Pipsqueak crawled over to Merri who lay without speaking and said;
‘Merrimouse! Are you all right?’
‘I think…’ said Merri opening his eyes and twitching his whiskers ‘..we might have made a mistake leaving the mousehole’

Pip smiled, then his smile faltered. Merrimouse said;
‘What is it?’
‘It’s Gondormouse!’ sobbed Pipsqueak. ‘He’s catfood!’
‘There, there..’ comforted Merrimouse. ‘He was the noblest rodent of them all, falling valiantly vanquishing many foes, blowing his dog whistle….’
Pipsqueak brightened up;
‘At least we drove all the dogs in Dublin four mad for a while!’

Then Merrimouse, who fancied himself as a singer-songwriter, puffed out his chest and sang a lay he had composed just for Boromouse….

‘When he last stepped up that street, his shining sword in hand
Behind him marched in grim array a stalwart rodent band
For Dublin Four, The Archer Mice, he led them to the fray..
And Boromouse in Baggot Street has ne’er been seen to this day….’

‘Stop your squealing you dunghill rats…er mice!’ shouted Shagrat, giving poor Merrimouse a hearty kick. ‘the metre is wrong on that last line…’

‘I think….’ Said Pipsqueak ‘you better not sing here, Merrimouse. They only listen to Metallica….’


‘The way I see it’ drawled Aramouse, ‘we can do what we ought to, go to Mouse Tirith and save it, or waste our time chasing after those two daft halfmice, which would make for a far more interesting book and film..’
‘Let’s chase the halfmice…’ said Gilmouse
‘Let’s! Oh let’s!’ trilled Legomouse. ‘Only give me a couple of hours to change into the lime green number first…..’
‘Oh rats…’ thought Gilmouse….