The Archer Mice of Middle-earth

by Varda

In the Hall of the Golden Mouse

‘We must ride to Edormouse with all speed!’ said Wizardmouse.

‘Ride?’ asked Boromouse incredulously ‘Ride what? We’re mice, remember’

‘I don’t think the Uruk-Rats will give us a lift, not after what we did to them with the arrows and all.’ said Frodent glumly.

‘You can’t be popular all the time, Frodent’ said Wizardmouse, placing a comforting paw on the young halfrodent’s shoulder.

‘What about Erkenmouse and his Biker Mice of Dublin 4?’ asked Merimouse

‘He’s always good for a lift’.

‘We can’t’ said Boromouse. ‘The Biker Mice are at a biker convention in Los Angeles…’

‘Rats!’ Said Aramouse ‘We’ll have to walk’

‘Walk! You can’t be serious!’cried Legomouse ‘These are Versace elf-boots…’

Some time later a band of pawsore mice arrive at
the great door of Beggar’s Bush Barracks, known to rodents as The Golden
Hall of Medumouse, seat of King Théomouse and spiritual home of the Rohirrimice.

‘I’m knackered’ said Legomouse ‘My feet are killing me.’

‘I thought Elf-mice never got tired’ sniggered Gilmouse

‘Can’t you find some nice warm mine and stay in it?’ retorted Legomouse.

‘Stop it you two!’ said Wizardmouse ‘Present a
united front for once, and do not look for welcome here. King Théomouse’s
mind is overthrown…’

‘That’s not exactly unusual in Dublin 4, how did they notice?’ said Boromouse under his breath.

Wizardmouse rapped on the great doors with his
cocktail stick. After a long pause the iron-bound door creaked open, pushed
aside by six mice-at-arms in coats of steel mail knitted from Grade 003 steel
wool and wearing silver thimbles as helms. A lordly mouse with a martial
bearing strode forward.

‘I am Hamouse, the doormouse. You cannot come before Théomouse King so armed, Greymouse, by order of Grimouse Wormtail.

‘All right, lads’ said Wizardmouse ‘Hand over the hardware…’

Some ten minutes later the Archer Mice stepped
forward over a great pile of hatchets, scissors, cheese knives, stanley knives,
pruners, potato peelers, swiss army knives, garden shears, hacksaws, pliers,
nail files..and were stopped again.

‘Your cocktail stick, Wizardmouse’ said Hamouse. Wizardmouse looked stricken.

‘But what will I use to stir my martini?’ Hamouse
looked deeply ashamed, and stepping aside allowed them to enter the Golden
hall of Medumouse…

They walked forward into the Golden Hall of Edormouse.
All about hung banners showing a great golden mouse running free, some on
a green and some on a blue field. At the end of the hall stood a throne on
which sat a bent old mouse wearing on his head a gold ring, for which a reward
was offered when it was lost on Haddington Road on Saturday night. This was
Théomouse, the Royal Rodent of Rohan, and he seemed buried in the folds of
his velvet robe lined with hamster fur. Crouched at his side was a black
rat who sprang up and barred their approach to the king….

‘Late is the hour that wizardmouse the conjuror
chooses to apppear! Have you filled out Form # P62/ 257689Z Application for
Royal Audience, non-resident, also available in Irish?’

Wizardmouse looked uncertain and asked;

‘Would Form #P62/257688Z Application for Royal Audience, temporary resident, also available in Irish do?’ asked Wizardmouse.

‘No! We might consider Form # P62 257687Z Application
for Royal Audience, Emergency Interim Resident, also available in Irish,
though’ replied Wormtail.

At this Wizardmouse drew himself up to his full height and said in ringing tones;

‘I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked application forms with a witless worm…’

‘Oh no?’ said Wormtail with a wicked gleam in his eye.

‘Seize them!’ he shouted to a pack of ruffian Dublin
Northside rats lurking in the shadows. As they pounced on the company Aramouse

‘Wizardmouse! Use your staff! It’s the only reason we brought you along…’

‘I can’t!’ said Wizardmouse ‘It’s caught in my cloak’

‘I told you they didn’t match!’ sobbed Legomouse ‘You just don’t know how to accessorize, Wizardmouse…’

This episode of the Heroic Archer Mice is dedicated with thanks to Nessa.