The Archer Mice of Middle-earth
The Archer Mice of Middle-earth go to Queen Galadimouse's Garden Party
‘Very well’ said Haldirmouse reluctantly ‘The
Archer Mice won the Mouse Doubles in the lawn tennis tournament, so you
are all invited to Queen Galadrimouse’s Garden Party….’
‘Yippee!’ said Pipsqueak ‘Can I have the strawberries and cream now…?’
‘I haven’t a stitch to wear..’ sobbed Legomouse.
‘Speaking of which…’ said Boromouse sternly to Aramouse ‘put that mail
shirt back on….’
Looking crestfallen, Aramouse covered up his
magnificent mouse torso again, to disappointed cries from the female
Galadrimice queueing for his autograph. Gilmouse said with a frown;
‘I hate garden parties. I hate gardens! Give me a nice warm mine any
day, no wasps, no downpours….’
‘Just try not to do the wrong thing and disgrace us all’ said Legomouse
‘Sorry, I must have left my tennis whites in the mine…’ muttered
‘Quiet, you two!' hissed Wizardmouse...
At last the Heroic Archer Mice of Dublin 4
were led before Queen Galadrimouse, a snowy-white mouse who was clad in
shining silvery raiment made from a neat semicircle of Carrickmacross
lace which went missing out of the middle of a tablecloth on Wellington
Road one hot day when the door was left open to the garden…
‘We greet you, brave Archer Mice’ Queen
Galadriel said graciously, inclining her head on which was a diadem set
with a single gem. (an engagement ring lost in Herbert Park)
‘Nine there were set out from Peppercanister
and nine there still are…..hold on, that is one too many.’ Galadrimouse
frowned. ‘Own up, who didn’t die?’
..and they all pointed to Wizardmouse, who bowed and said, through
‘Thank you, friends…’ and to Galadrimouse; ‘we changed the script…’
‘Changed the script!’ cried the assembled Galadrimice in horror. .
‘Purists!’ muttered Boromouse in disgust.
‘Yes’ answered Wizardmouse airily. ‘There were bits we didn’t like, so
we changed them….’
‘You can’t do that!’ screamed Haldirmouse.
‘We had very good reasons’ said Boromouse, then lowered his voice and
hissed at Haldirmouse;
‘…if I were you I’d say nothing, they have slated both of us for The
Great Mousetrap In The Sky in the script as it stands….’
‘Look’ said Galadrimouse in irritation ‘never mind the script, who is
‘Well’ said Aramouse, clearing his throat, ‘There’s me, of course, King
‘Yecch!’ exclaimed Boromouse. Aramouse twitched his whiskers in
annoyance then went on…
‘..then there’s Boromouse here, some kind of housekeeper….
‘Son of the Steward!’ hissed Boromouse
‘..then there’s Prince Legomouse of Mousewood….’
‘Hey, redneck!’ shouted one of the
Galadrimouse. Legomouse picked up a hazelnut and threw it with
devastating accuracy. A squeak of pain followed and Legomouse smirked.
Aramouse sighed heavily and continued;
‘Wizardmouse you have already met and the other four are Halfmice’
‘Halfrodents!’ shouted Frodent, Sammouse, Merimouse and Pipsqueak in
‘Sorry, guys,’ said Aramouse then to Galadrimouse ‘..halfrodents,
‘That..’ drawled Galadrimouse ‘..makes only eight.’
‘Oh yes, how could I forget’ said Aramouse hitting his forehead with
his paw. ‘the last one is a Dwarfmouse…’
‘A dwarfmouse!’ screamed all the Galadrimice
in horror. At once elfmice were seen running up trees and jumping into
lakes and throwing themselves onto traps. Queen Galadrimouse put a paw
on the hip of her slinky white dress and raised one eyebrow; Gilmouse
leaned casually on his axe, throwing out his hairy chest. A look of
pure rodent chemistry passed between them.
‘What is the problem?’ asked Gilmouse innocently…..