The Archer Mice of Middle-earth
They Were Cats Once
‘’Contains growth hormone, for bigger better plants! Be
the envy of your neighbours with a garden beyond compare…..’’
Grimouse Wormtail wrinkled his pink little nose and twitched his
‘Sarumouse you idiot! This is a garden fertiliser! You can’t feed it to
Sarumouse snatched back the packet and intoned…
‘One cat food to rule them all…
One cat food to fill them
One cat food to fatten them all
And in Baggot Street to kill them!’
‘..the Archer Mice, that is’ added Sarumouse.
‘You are one awful poet…’ muttered Grimouse
Deep in a cellar off Haddington road Sarumouse had set up his breeding
project for the Uruk-kats, to cover all Dublin four in Darkness…..he
had only to eliminate those who opposed him….the Archer Mice of Dublin
At last his greatest creation was about to be unleashed on the world.
In trembling Grimouse watched from behind the gas cylinders, pipes and
buckets used by Sarumouse as a cat arose from its cat basket and
stretched in the dim light of a 40 watt energy saver bulb.
This was no ordinary cat; this was Lurkat, greatest of the Uruk-kats. A
great short-haired British Blue with orange eyes.
‘Do you know how the Uruk-kats came into being?’ asked Sarumouse.
Lurkat snarled. Sarumouse grinned and Grimouse cowered. Sarumouse said;
‘They were cats once…taken and enhanced by the Dark Lord till they
needed no housetraining and could catch birds even with a bell on them’
‘Miaouuuu’ said Lurkat.
‘Whom do you serve?’ barked Sarumouse
‘Sarumouse’ yodelled Lurkat.
Some time later Sarumouse stood on a wooden crate surveying his host of
brainwashed steroid-stuffed pumped up cats.
‘You do not know pain, you do not know fear and you certainly do not
know my mobile phone number. You will eat Mouse flesh….!’
A great roar went up from the Uruk-kats. Sarumouse turned to Lurkat and
‘One of the halfmice has something of great value. You will bring the
halfmice to me, alive and unspoiled…’
‘Can’t I spoil them just a little bit….?’ Purred Lurkat
‘No!’ snapped Sarumouse.
‘You will bring them to me. Kill all the other Archer mice…..’
Merrimouse and Pipsqueak were finding it hard to keep up the pace on
‘Oh Pip!’ cried Merry. ‘I wish we had not lost the others down Waterloo
Road….I can see the Uruk-kats catching up with us….’
Just then the dog whistle of Boromouse sounded and the great Mouse of
Gondor himself sprang forth to bar the way.
‘Do not fear, Halfmice!’ he cried. ‘You can rely on me, unlike that
mangy Rangermouse Aramouse who has got stuck on the traffic island, as
usual no good when you need him…..’
But then the two halfmice cried out in fear, for coming round the
corner of Pembroke Road, scattering even the dogs of Dublin Four, was
the greatest of the Uruk-kats….