The Archer Mice of Middle-earth
The Breaking of The Fellowship;
Frodent and Sammouse go it alone
'I do love it here!' sighed Frodent as he and Sammouse strolled through
the leafy glades of Mouselórien. The thunder of traffic on
Baggot Street could barely be heard. 'But we will have to get going.
Time is running out for Mouse Earth, and Sarumouse and Saurmouse are
just getting stronger while we enjoy Galadriel's cheddar.....'
'Yes, Mr Frodent' said Sammouse. 'It's the job that never gets started
that takes longest to finish, as my old Gaffmouse used to say...'
'A better candidate for Endomice than your old Gaffmouse I never
met...' muttered Frodent under his breath. Just then they saw Queen
Galadrimouse walking towards them through the trees, clad in a white
lace handkerchief that was taken from a chest of drawers unwisely left
open in a house in Rathmines.....
'This task has been appointed for you, Frodent' she said.
'If you don't find a way, no mouse will....'
'We've made sure he won't' sniggered Celemouse to Haldirmouse, thinking
of the liberal dose of Cat Attractant they had used to anoint the
Fellowship with in secret....
'I still get a strong smell of cat' piped up Pipsqueak but no-one was
listening to him....
'Gifts I will give you before you leave Mouselórien...' said
Galadrimouse graciously, and the Fellowship perked up....
Some time later, they found themselves back out on Pembroke Road.
Gilmouse was holding a blonde wig.
'All I did was admire her hair. I didn't want her to give it to me....'
'At least you didn't get a hint....' replied Aramouse, holding his
gifts, a bottle of shampoo and a hairdryer.
'Well I LOVE my present!' said Legomouse with a toss of his head. He
had a golden bow and arrows and matching gold lamé quiver.
'It's SO fifties!' he drawled, ecstatic. Aramouse frowned and asked;
'What did you get, Boromouse?'
'A silent dog whistle' said Bormouse, looking perplexed, then he read
'One blast brings dogs from as far as ten miles away.....'
'A handy weapon if you are surrounded by UruKats!' exclaimed Gilmouse.
'Look what we got!' said Merrimouse and Pipsqueak. 'Matching
And indeed the generous rodent Queen had fashioned two tiny skateboards
out of a sheet of plastic.
'They are great for going down stairs' said Legomouse but Aramouse
'Don't use them on the street, that is all...'
'What did she give you, Sammouse?' asked Aramouse.
'A nut' said the baffled garden mouse.
'She is trying to tell you something' said Aramouse in a wise voice.
'That I am a nut?' asked Sammouse.
'No you idiot!' said Aramouse. 'That you will sow a nut from which a
great tree will grow...'
'Oh' said Sammouse, still puzzled.
'What about you, Frodent?' asked Aramouse.
'A shaving mirror' replied Frodent, puzzled. 'Is she telling me my
whiskers are too long?'
'I think it is supposed to tell you the future' said Legomouse, with a
lofty faraway Elfmouse look in his eyes. Frodent looked into the mirror
and saw over his shoulder, creeping down Waterloo Road in the growing
dusk, the amber eyes of a veritable army of UruKats, marshalled by a
great Balmog, all drawn by the irrestible scent of Cat Attractant.....
'Cats!' shrieked Frodent 'Run for your lives!'
Aramouse and Boromouse drew their swords then and Gilmouse his axe.
Legomouse drew his golden bow and at once a tiny dart landed on the
nose of the foremoust moggie, a great tabbie UruKat who squealed in
rage and shot off down Pembroke Street. But hordes of Orcats appeared
from the shadows of of Baggot Lane and attacked the Fellowship.
Boromouse blew his whistle and all the neighbourhood dogs came running.
In the melée Merry and Pipsqueak made their escape on their
skateboards. When the bus queue saw two mice skateboarding past it
broke up and ran screaming for cover.
'We have to get out of here!' gasped Frodent.
'This way, Mr. Frodent...' said Sam, leading his master towards the
Grand Canal. 'We have to get across the Granduin.....'
They ran across Haddington Road in front of a horse-drawn cab. The
horse saw two mice under its hooves one carrying a shaving mirror and
the other a nut and squealing with fright it reared and set off at a
gallop down Mespil road, ignoring the traffic lights. In the back one
tourist said to another;
'I thought they drove on the left hand side in Ireland......'
At last Sammouse and Frodent reached the canal bank. Behind them the
UruKats rounded the corner. Frodent looked about desperately and saw an
empty McDonalds burger carton. He pushed it out into the stream and
began to paddle furiously with a plastic spoon.
'Mr. Frodent, noooo, wait for me.....'
It was Sammouse, running down the canal bank.
'Go back, Sammouse' shouted Frodent. 'I'm going to Mormouse ALONE'
'I know, Mr. Frodent!' shouted Sammouse. 'And I'm coming with you....'
And at that the brave garden mouse flung himself into the dark cold
waters of the Grand Canal...and instantly sank. Frodent stopped
paddling and shouted;
Sammouse sank further and further through the icy depths, all four paws
outspread. Even for a mouse he was a poor swimmer. He was about to
breathe water when a long paw reached down and seized his and pulled
him up into the burger carton.
'Oh Sammouse....'said Frodent, tears in his eyes.
'I don't mean to leave you, Mr.Frodent....' said Sammouse when he had
got his breath back.
'All right, then, row....' said Frodent, handing his garden mouse a
Behind them Baggot street was in uproar with dogs pursuing cats and
cats pursuing mice and horses stampeding and sirens wailing.....