The Fellowship of the Ring Parody
*Gandalf arrives at Bag End.*
Gandalf: I wonder if he’s home? (knocks on door)
Bilbo: NO! GET AWAY! CAN’T YOU READ THE SIGN ON THE FRONT GATE! I’M GETTING MY BOW AND SOME ARROWS!
Gandalf: Bilbo, does your mother know you smoke?
Bilbo: Yes! But I don’t inhale! Gandalf? (opens door) Gandalf! Its good to see you!
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins! 111 year old, your old as dirt! But you don’t look any younger!
Bilbo: Come on inside...
*Gandalf and Bilbo walk through the door. Bilbo shuts the door and takes Gandalf’s hat and staff.*
Bilbo: Want some wine? I got some from 1296...
Gandalf: Bilbo, I don’t want wine as old as you. Don’t give me anything!
Bilbo: What that’s, you want some eggs? (Bilbo runs into the Kitchen)
Gandalf: Hmmm... (holding up a map) Is this from The Hobbit?
Bilbo: I got your eggs and tea ready!
Gandalf: I didn’t want any.
Gandalf: I DIDN’T WANT ANY!
*There is a pounding on the door.*
Bilbo: Oh no!
Sackville-Baggin: BILBO, OPEN THE DOOR OR I WILL BUST IT DOWN!
Gandalf: Who is it?
Bilbo: (standing in the window) Sackville-Bagginses. I like to call them Physo-Bagginses. They want the house and all my stuff.
Gandalf: Anyway, what are you going to do for your Birthday?
Bilbo: I'm going to leave. I have to get away from all these freaking Hobbits!
Gandalf: I know that feeling. Stop playing with that ring in your pocket!
*At twilight, Gandalf and Bilbo are smoking on a hill overlooking the party.*
Bilbo: Look, I can blow a ring! (blows a smoke ring)
Gandalf: Mines better. (blows a ship which go through the ring)
Bilbo: Gandalf, this will be the night to remember when you get sick from all the butter-based frosting on the cake.
*Nighttime, Gandalf shoots off Fireworks. The party is on.*
Merry: (talking to the cake guys) No, no, right. No, left! Don’t drop
it! We need a cup of water, we lit the cake on fire again! No, guy, you
dropped it! Pick it up, its just, um... “chocolate flavoring”.
Frodo and some other hobbits are dancing. Other are drinking with Bilbo.
Bilbo: Fatty Bolger, your fatter than ever! Welcome! Go bulge up yourself on some more cake!
Frodo sits at a table where Sam is sitting.
Frodo: Go, Sam, get a girl! Asked Rosie!
Sam: No, Mr. Frodo, i’m too nervous. I’m going to get some Mead. (stands up)
Frodo: Oh no... (grabs Sam and throws him him at Rosie)
*Gandalf shoot a big firework off. Bilbo was talking to a group of children.*
Bilbo: There I was, standing with 3 big trolls. So, I took my wand
and shouted “Wingardium leviosa” and clubbed all three of them, then,
puff! They turned in stone. Hold on, GANDALF! YOU’RE SUPPOSED' TO BE
SHOOTING FIREWORKS, NOT DANCING!
Gandalf: Sorry, you old stupid goat... (grabs more fireworks) Good.
Merry and Pippin come along.
Merry: Pssss... Let’s steal some fireworks then light them inside a tent.
Pippin: How ‘bout this one (hold up dragon firework)
Merry: Oh, My precious!
*Bilbo is meeting someone*
Bilbo: Hey, Mrs. Bracegirdle, nice to see you. Are all those children yours?
Mrs. Bracegirdle: Yep, a whole gross!
Bilbo: My... you’ve been working.
Bilbo: Oh, man! (Runs into Frodo) Its the Physo-Bagginses! HIDE!
Bilbo: (sticks his head in the cake) I’m not Bilbo. I’m... um... Elrond of Rivendell.
Sackville-Baggin: Sorry Mr. Elrond. (walks away)
Bilbo: Thanks Frodo. I’ve lost my mind, I can’t take it any more...
Frodo: Bilbo, have you been at the Gaffer’s home brew?
Bilbo: Yes, No, maybe...
Frodo: Bilbo, you know what it does to you!
Bilbo: Forget it...
*Merry and Pippin light the firework*
Merry: Ahhhh, stick it in the ground.
Pippin: Put out the fuse!
Merry: I can’t! (Firework goes off) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Firework explodes and turns into dragon*
Frodo: OH, WATCH IT! Bilbo, Dragon!
Bilbo: I think you have been at the Gaffer’s home brew... Ahhhh...
Dragon explodes in a big burst.
Merry: Cool, lets do it again.
Gandalf: (Grabbing Merry’s and Pippin’s ear) Meriadoc Brandybuck and Pergrin Took.
Merry: My name sounds like a brand of a car.
Pippin: Mine’s a bird. Gandalf must mean business if he called us by are full names...
Gandalf: You two threw off the canon of the book. I was gonna fire
that firework. For punishment you shall scrub all the portapottys till
you can eat off of them!
*Bilbo gets up on some boxes to give a speech.*
Bilbo: Hello, everybody! Including you, Proudfoots.
Proudfoot: Proudfeet, you stinker!
Other Hobbits: Hey, what about us Gamgee's. Yeh and us Cottons...
Bilbo: Screw you and all of you. I’ve had it...
Sackville-Baggin: Bilbo! I’m gonna get you!
Bilbo: Oh no... Bye! (disappears)
All the Hobbits: WHAT THE...!!!!!
Gandalf: Bilbo! I better get up to the house...