The Lord of the Coffee

In no particular order, by Lothithil mostly, with various others stirred in.


Coffee in Doriath:  Beren cuts in line at Starbucks: Lord of the Coffee Pre-quel

Silence fell upon the StarBrandybucks Cafe, for those that stood in line there were silent and afraid, and they thought that Beren would be slain.

Thingol spoke slowly, saying, "Death you have earned in this act, and Death you should find suddenly, if you order the last piece of double-espresso cheesecake, base-born mortal!"

Then Beren answered: "Death you can give me, earned or unearned, but this I will not take from thee... I hate cheesecake! Let me have a triple-shot espresso breve and your Daughter Luthien's hand in marriage. To go."

"You want whipped cream with that?" Silence for three heart-beats. "The coffee, not Tinuviel."

"Oh! Yes, please!"

The end? (you wish)


Coffee in the Borrow-wight's lair        

There is a bean of courage hidden (often deeply it is true) in the heart of the fattest and most timid hobbit, waiting for some final and desperate danger to make it brew.

NescaFrodothought that he had come to the end of his coffee-break, and a terrible end, but the coffee enervated him.

In his caffeine dream he heard a song:

"Cold be cup and saucer and spoon
And cold be coffee served at noon
Since morning it has sat and brewed
And someone, in an onery mood,
Has turned off, it no longer perks
Like muddy water in my cup it lurks
And one sip make me grimace and howl
A java-monster, bitter and foul
Cold as death and thick as sin,
And makes me mean like Gunga-din."


Coffee in the Old Forest

"Help!" cried NescaFrodo and Sanka, running toward the stranger with their hands outstretched.

"Whoa! Steady there! You'll spill my coffee!" Tomug Bombadillatte said, and the hobbits froze.

"My friends are caught in the espresso machine!" said NescaFrodo desperately.

"Master MochaMerry is being cold-pressed!"

"What?!" shouted Tomug. "I know the brew for him! Old Espresso Man! I'll freeze his beans! I'll steam his milk, if he don't behave himself! I'll pull his plug! Old Espresso Man!"

NescaFrodo and Sanka back away from the foaming madman, then turn and run for their lives.

"It's a shame about Master MochaMerry and Mr Pincup," said Sanka, wiping away his tears. "How can we leave them behind?"

"It's us or them, Sanka," said NescaFrodo. "I gotta get rid if this coffee-ring, and that means extreme measures. They can catch us up in Bree-cuppa, if they can get away from that caffinated wildman. I just hope some giant doesn't grind their beans to make his brew."

MochaMerry and Pincup come running up behind, and they pause for breath for a moment before beating the tar out of NescaFrodo and Sanka.

"That's for leaving us behind, you two crappachinos!!" said MochaMerry as he gives NescaFrodo a furious noogie, holding him firmly in a headlock.

"Lucky that Javajunkie came along, though," added Pincup, while dunking Sanka in a nearby handy rainbarrel, "Now we can go have elevenses with you at Rivendell Perk!"



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