The Lord of the Coffee

In no particular order, by Lothithil mostly, with various others stirred in.

The Lord of the Coffee; More more music for the soundtrack
remember Frodo's fateful song in the Prancing Pony?

There is a cafe, a funny cafe,
Beneath a neon sign
And there the brew coffee so black
That it would give Sauron a heart-attack
If He came in there to dine.

The landlord has a nervous cat
That has a broken tail
It lurks beneath the rocking chairs
And generously sheds it's nasty hairs
Upon my brand-new mail

The olster is a tipsy fool
Who spikes the sugar bowls
Dumps them out onto his head
And fills them up with salt instead
And glues shut all the holes

The beans they have are the finest ground
Superior to all
If you drink a single cup
The caffine will surely sit you up
And then lay you on the floor!

So hang your cloak and join the queue
If there is no one to mourn ya
For certain the coffee keeps you awake
But your last few brain-cells it will bake
Don't say I didn't warn ya!

Gelimli Avenges Himself Upon Haldiroast
to the tune of Sam Gamgee's Troll Song

Tea on the Lawn will make me yawn
And Lemonade will leave me gone
Better a cup brewed in a Braun
To keep this Elf awake-o!
With cake-o! Hands quake-o!
Upon a hardened cookie I've gnawn
To keep myself awake-o

Up came Dwarf, he sallied forth
And he swore just like he'd come from a wharf
And as he neared he dipped his beard
Into my cup of Joe!
Yo! Whoa!
Of all the weird things I have heard
There is nothing worse I know!

"Why, you little gnarled..." I fairly snarled
But he beamed and bowed as though newly laureled
And suddenly my heart gave a thumping start
As the java kicked my teeth in!
Seethin'! Heathen!
My mouth was dry and my eyes did dart
Around my head smoke was a-wreathing.

"Never was a deed done by an Elf
that I couldn'a done better by m'self!"
And with that epitaph, he let out a deep laugh
And whapped me in the knees-o!
Tease-o! Jeeze-o!
Wordless in my hopping wrath
All I could do was wheeze-o!