Bucklebury's LotR Parody

An ongoing role-play parody by various fans originally kept on Bucklebury.net, now at Lotrfanmb.com

Opening Scenes

All right... we will have Galadriel open with a dialogue.  Remember *close* to original is fine, but there is no
need to be exact.  In fact, outlandish and ridiculous is welcome!  Two rules though..
 1 - Stick to your characters from the sign-up thread only.
 2 - Keep it clean and be fair!
With that said...

::cues cast::


:Galadriel steps up to the microphone in the complete darkness, trips over the cord::
 "Argh, mumble, mumble, whisper, whisper" (and you all thought she was speaking Elvish! )
 "The world is changing"
 whisper, whisper ::disentangles foot from mic cord::
 "I feel it in the air"
 whisper, whisper ::picks glasses up off the floor::
 "I feel it in the..."
 Beep! Beep!
 "oh, sorry guys, please cut! I've got to run off to my 9 hour work day... see you later!"

Merry giggled and handed Pip another lembas from his bag, taking another sip of his 60-oz Entwash Slurpee.

Frodo nervously cleared his throat, waiting for his cue.  He really, really hoped Bilbo wouldn't notice the book he swiped from the desk in the study that morning, and hid it behind his back when all the Last Alliance soldiers went marching past to carry out their battle scene.  

A lively battle scene ensues with bodies flying everywhere and lots of dramatic music.  He turned a few more pages  - such exciting history to read about!  " I do wish Bilbo had better handwriting..."

Lord of the Rings title comes up on screen as music swells

::Galadriel rushes back into the theater picking the beef stew out of her teeth before continuing her soliloquy::

 mutters, "now where was I..." ... "Oh, yes..."
 I feel it in the water
 whisper, whisper ::turns on little book light to steal a peek at the script::
 I feel it in the earth
 whisper, whisper ::trying desparately to remember Elvish lines::
 I smell it in the air. Much that once was is now lost, for none now live who remember it.
::looks around nervously for the extras needed for all those men elves and dwarves in the prologue::
 ::stage whisper aside:: "I don't have to pretend to be all those other people, do I?"

Lots of action whipped past, including a rather tall chap who resembled a french-fry maker gone mad. He had a mace that seemed to have anti-gravitational effects on those who came near it.  Isildur watched as his dad whacked into a rock and got a bit upset about this,  so he whacked the tall dark chappie back.   

Hitting the button marked "on" by accident, Isildur found himself suddenly sprinkled with steaming hot french fries that seem to come from the fellow's fingers! They suddenly fell, plicka-placka -plicka-placka all around Isildur, who was tempted to sprinkle them with salt.

The Dark French-Fry Maker, or whoever he was, imploded. This was quite dramatic and caused them all to lose their appetites. 
 Isildur suddenly realized that among the french-fries was a...
 This rather causes the story to turn to a new angle. Jewelry.

We see several shots indicating that this Ring was lost in a river, then picked up and shuffled off into some caves by an odd critter...

 ::Gollum nabs the preciousssss::
 ::cackle, choke, cough:: Gollum
 eeeew!! hair ball!
 ::hears a noise off stage::


::Galadriel returns to the microphone and intones....::
 It came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the Max tunnels of the West Hills. And there it consumed him. The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long train rides. For five hundred round trips it poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's tram car, it waited. Darkness crept back into Forest Grove. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East Side of town, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power perceived its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then something happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of Hillsboro-Shire.
 ::nudges Bilbo::
 "...that's your cue!"

Elrond, having missed his cue, races on to the battle set without his helmet. The orc-extras still hanging around waiting for someone to help them out of their costumes were yelling taunts at the Elves who were late because they stopped at the beauty parlor on the way to Mordor. 

They helpfully throw their props at Elrond, ruffling his freshly coiffed raven locks. Elrond responded with suggested alternate destinations for those props (to be later dubbed over with Elvish), and a nasty fight broke out. Luckily, Sean Astin was on hand with his camera for personal film projects and captured this on film to be edited in later. 
 :: mutters curses (more gibberish mistaken for Elvish) :: 

Elrond retired backstage to study his William Shatner's Acting Correspondence Course and watch some soap operas for vocal delivery tips while waiting for the Fellowship to arrive in Rivendell. 

Being kind and caring servants of the Dark Lord, the ringwraiths start gathering up their new black robes so that they look extra scary and begin combing their horses.

Frodo, laughing his head off at the prologue, slipped out into the woods to read his book and wait for a certain wizard to show up.  Bilbo was still asleep when he left him, which was odd considering all the noise of party preparations and visitors hanging on the bell and never giving a moment's peace.   He couldn't help but wonder if the old fellow was awake yet...

 Bilbo suddenly snorted awake after a really long sleep...  "Now, where is my book?" said he, scratching his head.
 "Oh well never mind, I still have this beautiful ring."

 "Oh, what a beastly thing to happen", muttered Gandalf as one of the wheels on his cart rolled away. "I'll never get to The Shire in time for old Bilbo's party"   He then remembered  that he is a clever wizard and managed to fix the wheel in no time at all, managing after a slight delay to get back on track.
 ::singing:: The road goes ever on and on...

::Galadriel and Gollum have been sitting stage-left watching the men, elves and orcs frantically trying to keep up with the Prologue::
 Galadriel "Oh, good grief, with the fuss Elrond is making over his hair you'd actually think it was his own!"
 Gollum "Gollum! ::cough, choke:: "Do you know how incredibly hard it isss to talk like thisss??"
 ::Galadriel steps up to the microphone again and places her hand over it. To the human,
elf and orc extras making the fracas on stage she says,
"Do give it a rest, you're too late. You'll have to just sit down and wait until the flashbacks!"::
 "the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all.

 [Sam is weeding the garden in front of Bag End]
 "I wonder where Mr. Frodo's got to. I haven't seen him all day." 
 *hears a rumbling sound in the distance*
 "What's that?"
 *is nearly trampled by a large group of orc extras* 

Pippin wandered out of pub, pint in hand to see how things were going with set-up for the market scene. 
 mutter, mutter, hubub-hubub, swearing from crew, milling around from hobbit extras.  Pippin pulled an ornate fob watch from pocket, rolled his eyes  and went back inside to play a game of darts with Merry and Gaffer Gamgee.

He found Merry still sitting and sipping on his Entwash Slurpee.    "Pip!  You're back!  Hey, remember that conspiracy thing we had cooked up? Good news!  Frodo isn't moving his stuff from Bag End after all!"
"Woo hoo!" rejoiced his companion.
"Sooooo...," continued Merry. "After Bilbo's party, we just have to have our usual escapades as scheduled at Farmer Maggot's, and they'll just send Frodo and Sam to meet up with us there when they are ready for us to head out."
Pippin nodded. "Cool!"
Merry sighed. "Oh yeah, and one more thing... we don't get to kick ruffian booty when we come home.  Man, I was looking forward to becoming a local war hero.  But, at least we get to be funny some... and handsome...  I'd say we look quite handsome."

Pippin looked at Merry questioningly. "Handsome?  Is that in the script?"   He watched while the script editor cursed and kept switching between black marker pen and pencil, then nudged Merry.  "So do you think Sam's noticed the pink nail varnish on his feet yet?" 

Frodo continued to alternately doze and read under the tree.  Nope. No wizard yet....
He pulled out a sack of cookies and munched them then made a face as he bit into a piece of potato, which he had originally taken for white chocolate.
 "I really, really wish Sam's Gaffer hadn't given him that 1001 Ways to Cook Potatoes" book. Oh well..."

In Rivendell...

Elrond sat before his mirror in Rivendell, combing his precious raven locks which, regardless of their origins, are HIS now, bought and paid for.   Since the Fellowship was taking its sweet time getting there, Elrond gave himself a facial and began rewriting his genealogy to edit out the men and Vulcans. "Just wait until that smart-aleck Glorfindel makes fun of my ears and eyebrows again," muttered he, reaching for the tweezers. "I'd like to see HIS pedigree. Bet his mother was a troll."
He calls up his mother-in-law using the hidden communications device in his Captain Midnightelf magic decoder ring and asks to see the receipt for HER hair. "Not my own, indeed!" he sniffed.

::Galadriel heard a faint beeping from Nenya. Pressing a secret button, she raised it to her face::
 ::she paused to listen... a wry smile gathered at the corners of her mouth::
 "Why, of course I have a reciept for my hair! It's called a Birth Certificate!"
 ::She snickered as she turned off the communcator. "Honestly, I don't know what my daughter ever saw in that elf.....
 but it certainly wasn't his hair"

Back under a tree near Hobbiton...

 Frodo stretched and wandered down to the cart-track. He peered up and down the road.  

Where's that blasted wizard? He's going to miss the party at this rate, and he's supposed to be part of the entertainment!  Besides, Bilbo's been up to something, and odds are Gandalf knows what it is.  
 Frodo set aside some of the cookies, just in case they come in handy for bribing news out the wizard.
 *cricket... cricket*

Meanwhile in another part of middle earth
 FARAMIR: (whining)But I want to go to Imladris. Dad, can't I go to Imladis?
 BOROMIR: You dork! You can't go to Imladris. I'm the oldest, I get to go. 
 FARAMIR: But you always get to do the fun stuff. I wannna goooooooooo!!!
 BOROMIR: No way!!
 FARAMIR: C'mon, pleeeeeeezzzz?
 FARAMIR: Please?
 FARAMIR: Please?
 DENETHOR: (staring into a strange roundish tv set) huh?
 BOROMIR: Dad, tell Faramir, he can't go on the quest. 
 DENETHOR: (still staring) umm....Faramir, you can't go on the quest....now will you two get outa here, can't ya see I'm busy? 
 BOROMIR: (sticks tongue out at Faramir)
 FARAMIR: Fine! (he grabs Boromir's horn and runs out the door)
 BOROMIR: Hey!! give that back!! Faramir!!! (runs out the door after him)

Back at the Green Dragon...

Merry, still hanging with Pip at the tavern, started to lead the crowd in a rousing chorus of... something that drunk hobbits sing, followed by  cheering with the crowd and returning to the bar for another drink.
"Ah," gasped Merry," I can't have another drop.  Okay, maybe one more half!"
Merry watched sweet Rose Cotton tap him another mug and set it down on the bar towards him with a smile.  He grinned and nodded, then suddenly got a sobered look.  "I feel a great disturbance in the force."
 Pippin looked at Merry confused and questioning.  Merry gasped and continued, "As if a thousand voices were crying out and then were suddenly silent. "
 Pippin shook his head and took another sip from his pint. 
Merry looked straight at Pip with an expressionless gaze.  and waved his hand in front of Pippin's face. "You should go home and rethink your life. "
 "Excuse me? "
Merry looked at his hand and shook it, then tried again.  "You should go home and rethink your life."

Pippin burst out laughing at Merry, and Merry looked between his hand and Pippin with a confused expression. 

A hobbit extra came up from behind Merry and placed his hand on Merry's shoulder.  Merry spun around and grasped towards his belt as if to draw a sword.  In a fraction of a second, Merry has drawn his weapon, pointing it into the face of the hobbit extra.  Then a new thunder of laughter from Pippin is heard as we see that Merry is holding only a long hard summer sausage.
  "Ah!  We meet again at last! " Merry cried.
"Excuse me, sir... but your friends seem to have slipped you a parody copy of today's script. " the extra said drily.
 "That's not true!  That's impossible!"
 "I am afraid it is, sir... they marked it "Jedi Merry" in the upper right and made sure you were given that copy. "

Merry looked shocked and heard Pippin snickering in the background while offstage Galadriel, Elrond, and Boromir cackled.  He stuck his tongue out at the dark corner beyond the stage lights toward the laughter, then fwapped Pippin with the sausage as he stalked past him toward his dressing room.
Meanwhile, various hobbits set to work getting the tents and tables set up for a grand party. The spits were turning, the ovens were baking and plenty of good smells were filling the air.  The Old Gaffer stopped puttering in his tater patch and leaned on the fence to watch, chewing on a potato absently.

Glancing back up the Hill, he noticed the windows and doors of Bag End were shut fast, not a surprise considering the way old Ms. Lobelia kept lurking about under the windows. If he had someone like that trying to shoot in through the door every time it opened, he'd keep his door shut too.  He paused to load a few potatoes into his pockets, for ammo, just in case she popped up out of the bushes anywhere near to him.
 He peered at the sign that has recently appeared on the front gate:
 "Fresh Fish $3.50 lb."
 Looks like them pranksters from the Inn have been up to no good again.

Pippin went outside the tavern and nudged Gandalf's body double, "That jedi Merry trick was good!  But do you have any idea when your man is turning up? Frodo's been in the woods long enough to have become Aragorn!"

"Not a clue old chap, I wished they'd get going though, I'm meant to be on the cart for when Frodo makes his leap, but they've told me to wait here as they want to get the bridge and market scenes done while this sunshine is good."
In Rivendell...

From his terrace Elrond noticed his daughter Arwen slipping off toward the bridge. Shortly thereafter that blasted Dunadan wanders by, feigning nonchalance, hands in pockets, whistling a merry tune, but when he saw no one was looking he took off in the same
direction. Elrond remembered what he and Celebrian used to get up to on that bridge, and sees he must put a stop to this consorting with lesser beings at once.

Seeing an opportunity to get back at that prankster Glorfindel while at the same time giving Arwen a distraction, Elrond made a few calls on his magic Captain Midnightelf secret decoder ring.
 "Hello, is this Peter Jackson?" he said. "Look, it's about my daughter Arwen, she needs a job.... Yeah, she's light and speedy, a terrific rider. She'd do a much better job than that other guy, what's-his-name, Glorf-something. ... Hey, and you know the other day   heard him say your kids would make better orcs than hobbits ... Yeah, thanks a lot, we'll do lunch ..."

On the edge of Hobbiton....

Gandalf finally rolled up on his cart.
 ::cheers from the crowd::
 "I'm starving...wonder if there's anyone here." Gandalf said as he looked all around.  "Hello?"

In Bag End...

Bilbo was hiding in his bedroom "confounded relatives hanging on the doorbell" and whilst there he decided to take the time to try on his outfit for the party...
 "Hmm, I wonder if this pink shirt suits me?"

 [In the Green Dragon Sam sat up slowly and groaned...then he noticed his feet...]
 "AHHHGHH!!! What in Middle Earth...?"

Under the tree, Frodo looked up from his book and realized that Gandalf was approaching and far more rapidly than he had expected.  He was hard pressed to get down the slope to the road before the wizard had gone past!  
He was moving so fast when he got to the bank he found it difficult to stop. Instead, his feet slid on the dewy grass and he became briefly airborne landing, thank goodness, on something soft.
"OOOOF!" said the something, then began to vehemently grumble about hobbits in some long-forgotten language. 
Frodo, slipping off of it, grabbed at the nearest thing available to keep from landing on his back on the road. 
"Not the beard!" said the something. It had a familiar voice, in spite of the glowering.
"Gandalf!" said Frodo happily.  He blinked his big blue eyes at the wizard, as this was usually a good way to be forgiven very quickly. "You're late. We're going to have to hurry to get to Hobbiton in time now - better move this cart along!"

As Gandalf quickened the pace Bill began to get tired. 

 [Bill thinks]
Yeah, it's me. Pete couldn't find a pony to do the job for this role so he made me double up. The pay's good, especially when Sam's the one cooking the potatoes, but I don't get any credit for it. My name doesn't even appear in the credits, nor am I considered part of the Fellowship, even though I was the one that helped...they wouldn't have survived without me! I kinda wanted to get the tattoo also but Sam told me I couldn't. I was gonna get it right behind my left ear, so that Sam would remember where it felt best when he scratched my ears. Oh well. At least Pete isn't going to make me go the whole way...that would be cruel!
 [Bill continued to trot along happily as Frodo reached over to feed Bill his 'cookies'...apparently Gandalf didn't like them very much...]

Far off and away in Middle Earth, in the country of Genosia's, in the local Hooters, evil lurks in the depths. Saruman the White and that nasty french fry guy Sauron are conversing over some ale.  Rich dark wood with brass bannisters and friendly chatter surround them as waitresses in frilly bustiers drop off fried chicken wings on their table while self important waistcoated hobbits, elves, and men, ogle, munching celery with bleu cheese sauce and leer and pass along whispered naughty requests to their servers who respond with a whack on their upper arm in disgust.

The palantir is channeling their favorite sports channel covering Farmer Maggot Veggie stealing and sickle-dodging.
"Sauron-baby! The Sauron-meister! The Sauron-orama! Da Evil dude! W'sup? W'sup? Hey, gimme an "Ash narhg" for old times sake, huh?" nudged Saruman.

Sauron growled at him. "I hate it when you suck up to me like that.  Stop it with the anti-hero worship, ok? I've a whole Middle Earth to wreak havoc, and you grovel like some tongue-to-the-floor, warg-whipped idiot.  Now take your furry face out of your pullet parts and harken to me."
He lifted a mug of ale to his face, clinking the mug to his metal mask, before he remembered he was wearing it, then slammed it back down to the bar with a throaty growl in frustration.

Saruman lifted his head up from the wings, beard dripping with red sauce, and offered Sauron a straw. 

"You my tight! You got me straight trippin', bro!  Hey I aint' been livin' large for 6000 years for nothin'. You da man! Owe it all to you. Hey I got some nice digs over at Orthanc, wanna hang out after this? I got some great throw pillows - we could watch the Palantir and see the Orc decaps challenge at Middle Earth Bowl.... " Saruman picked up and waved an Orc Team Number 1 large foam hand.
Sauron was not amused. "No,  I have people to enslave, wars to cause, villages to plunder,  pain to inflict, cool stuff like that.  You're too puppydogish to be part of my evil plans.  I already control half, but most of those slaves are those dumb Orc Berserkers, and they have the brain power that's one step beyond the primordial ooze they evolved from. What makes you think you can handle what I got going? You think you can ride with the big dogs? Can you woof like a big dog? Lemme see you woof.  Those orcs sure don't have a clue, and neither do you. "  He flicked a munched chiken bone at Saruman and  fwapped his face.
"But I wanna!" Saruman whined. " I can hang with the big dogs. Please lemme be part of your evil, despicable plans!  It's no fun being in my castle all alone, reading books, knitting, and playing with my Hello Kitty collection.   But just who are you, anyway? I'd really like to see you unmask. I really don't recognize you with that fry thing on your head. Could you remove it? "
Sauron removed his helmet slowly and placed it on the bar, revealing another huge black helmet and glasses. 
Saruman gasped  in recognition. "You're Dark Helmet! from Spaceballs!"

"In the flesh. Now take these Death Star plans and get your furface out of here.  I'm going to create a grand army of the Republic, one those puny hobbits, elves, and men will never be able to withstand.  You might have some piddly job to do, like create some tasty Uruk-Thai cooking.  Just stay in touch with me."

Back in Hobbiton...

Glaring at the impudent pup of a hobbit for landing on him so heavily Gandalf shuffled his bones and robe back into shape and gave Bill the gee-up with the reins. 

"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, he is however, sometimes held up in the make up department because some darn fool half-elf is moaning about his toupee!"
...he calmed down and got all twinkly as Frodo batted his big blue eyes...

"Anyway I already know I'm late. It seems we'll do the bit with the fireworks in the lane afterwards. Of course Peter could have phoned me but Props insisted I can have the pipe or the mobile phone fit into the staff not both!  Something tells me that when it comes to looping this we'll get talk a whole a lot of different dialouge"
He nudged Frodo "Anyway dear boy, do me a favour; get off and cut across country to let them know we're going as fast as we can, I don't know this is only meant to be a few miles from the East road to Hobbiton and its winding back and forth across a square mile more than drunken sailor"

Frodo considered this for a moment, but it utterly baffled him. 
I'm sorry, Gandalf, but I can't make heads nor tails out of what you just said.  What's a "props" or "mohbill fone"?  Is it Dwarvish?  Bilbo ordered some Dwarvish trinkets for his party - did you know that? And fireworks too...oh, right. Well, you obviously know that one. Sorry.  But the folks in Hobbiton can wait - I'll keep riding along with you, if you don't mind. Tell me all about the outside world!  Is it still there? I'm terribly curious but also utterly innocent, you know, which is most unnatural."

 Meanwhile in the Green Dragon....

"Merry! Pippin! Where are you??" Sam stomped off towards the sound of singing but as he neared the singing stopped....and turned to laughter.  "Who you laughin' at short stuff? yeah, I'm talkin' to you!"  The room became quiet as all the hobbits looked around.

"Never mind. Just tell me where Merry and Pippin have gotton off to?" He noticed two figures creeping away out of the corner of his eye.  "Not so fast..."

Merry and Pippin snickered.  "Nice, feet...um....Sammy boy..."
Sam glared. "Don't start with me.....you know I ain't never looked  any good in pink anyhow...you're gonna get it....just you wait.....just you wait....."

Merry and Pip supressed thier laughter as Sam walked off very seriously, avoiding a glance from Rosie....

In the cart...

Gandalf looked down at Frodo's doey wide blue eyed but frankly baffled expression and remembered himself. 
 "Ah yes, Dwarvish stuff, for the party." He nodded at the coloured boxes and tubes in the back of the cart.
"Well the outside world is all still there, hills, woods, mountains, elves, dwarves and men...but what do you mean unnnatural?"

In the Green Dragon...

Rosie, being an observant hobbit-lass, tells Sam not to worry about Merry and Pippin and gets her nail-polish-remover. To Sam's great relief, she returns his nails to normal.

"Thank you Mistress Rose, I, um, I am v-very grateful" Sam continues to stumble over his words as he blushes. 
 [Sam thinks] Well, ok, maybe this isn't so bad after all...at least it got Rosie to talk to me!
 In another part of the Shire, Bill is startled and thinks to himself 
 "What was that? I think I heard a voice somewhere but it didn't sound like blue-eyes or ole' Gandalf up there...?"
 Sam looked around. "What the....?" he accidentally said out loud.

 Rosie looked confused. "What is it?" 
 "Nothing, I just... no, it was nothing. I have to get going. I've gotta start planning against Took and Brandybuck."
 Rosie smiled "Ok Sam...just don't be too harsh...they're our best customers."
 "Bye, Miss Rosie"

Sam walked out the door and wondered what he heard.  It said something about Gandalf and Frodo (he assumed) so they must have something in common. He tries to respond. "Hello? who's there?" Nobody responded, but he got strange glances from other hobbits. Sam thinks, "Why isn't this working?"
 "Why isn't what working, ole chap?"  Bill apparantly knew what he was doing, or else just couldn't say what he was thinking.
 Sam began to catch on. He thought "Hello? Who's talking to me? er, um, thinking to me?"
"I am, Sam. Or rather, you are Sam since I am Bill, and it is I who is thinking to you, though, I think you were the first one
 who thought so that means you are thinking to me and I am responding through thought."

 "Wha- um, wait a second, what was that?"
 "Let me rephrase this. I'm Bill and I assume you are Sam. And we can talk through thought. Understand now?"
 "Yes, I think so. You said something about Frodo and Gandalf...do you know them?"
 "Yes I do. I am with them now and I wish they would go faster. Gandalf I guess doesn't care if he misses his cue...ah well..."
 "Yes, well, ok...um, Bill? Do you always listen in on my thoughts?"
 "Well no. Not untill now, actually."  Bill seemed quite content chewing on his potatoes.
 "Do you think you could maybe not listen now, if you catch my meaning. I don't think I want someone just listening in all the time."
 "Very well. I do hope I get to think to you again though!"
 Sam felt a shock and couldn't hear anymore of Bill's thoughts. He gave out a sigh. "Now that was weird." He noticed there was no response and he gave out another sigh of relief.