ongoing role-play parody by various fans originally kept on
Bucklebury.net, now at Lotrfanmb.com
All right... we will have Galadriel open with a dialogue.
Remember *close* to original is fine, but there is no
need to be exact. In fact, outlandish and ridiculous is
welcome! Two rules though..
1 - Stick to your characters from the sign-up thread only.
2 - Keep it clean and be fair!
With that said...
:Galadriel steps up to the microphone in the complete darkness, trips
over the cord::
"Argh, mumble, mumble, whisper, whisper" (and you all
thought she was speaking Elvish! )
"The world is changing"
whisper, whisper ::disentangles foot from mic cord::
"I feel it in the air"
whisper, whisper ::picks glasses up off the floor::
"I feel it in the..."
"oh, sorry guys, please cut! I've got to run off to my 9 hour
work day... see you later!"
Merry giggled and handed Pip another lembas from his bag, taking
another sip of his 60-oz Entwash Slurpee.
Frodo nervously cleared his throat, waiting for his cue. He
really, really hoped Bilbo wouldn't notice the book he swiped from the
desk in the study that morning, and hid it behind his back when all
the Last Alliance soldiers went marching past to carry out their battle
A lively battle scene ensues with bodies flying everywhere and lots of
dramatic music. He turned a few more pages - such exciting
history to read about! " I do wish Bilbo had better
Lord of the Rings title comes up on screen as music swells
::Galadriel rushes back into the theater picking the beef stew out of
her teeth before continuing her soliloquy::
mutters, "now where was I..." ... "Oh, yes..."
I feel it in the water
whisper, whisper ::turns on little book light to steal a peek
at the script::
I feel it in the earth
whisper, whisper ::trying desparately to remember Elvish
I smell it in the air. Much that once was is now lost, for none
now live who remember it.
::looks around nervously for the extras needed for all those men
elves and dwarves in the prologue::
::stage whisper aside:: "I don't have to pretend to be all
those other people, do I?"
Lots of action whipped past, including a rather tall chap who resembled
french-fry maker gone mad. He had a mace that seemed to have
anti-gravitational effects on those who came near it. Isildur
watched as his
dad whacked into a rock and got a bit upset about this, so he
the tall dark chappie back.
Hitting the button marked "on" by accident, Isildur found himself
suddenly sprinkled with steaming hot french fries that seem to come
from the fellow's fingers! They suddenly fell, plicka-placka
-plicka-placka all around Isildur, who was tempted to sprinkle them
The Dark French-Fry Maker, or whoever he was, imploded. This was quite
dramatic and caused them all to lose their appetites.
Isildur suddenly realized that among the french-fries was a...
This rather causes the story to turn to a new angle. Jewelry.
We see several shots indicating that this Ring was lost in a river,
then picked up and shuffled off into some caves by an odd critter...
::Gollum nabs the preciousssss::
::cackle, choke, cough:: Gollum
eeeew!! hair ball!
::hears a noise off stage::
::Galadriel returns to the microphone and intones....::
It came to the creature Gollum, who took it deep into the Max
tunnels of the West Hills. And there it consumed him. The ring gave to
Gollum unnatural long train rides. For five hundred round trips it
poisoned his mind, and in the gloom of Gollum's tram car, it waited.
Darkness crept back into Forest Grove. Rumor grew of a shadow in the
East Side of town, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Ring of Power
perceived its time had come. It abandoned Gollum, but then something
happened that the Ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most
unlikely creature imaginable: a hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of
"...that's your cue!"
Elrond, having missed his cue, races on to the battle set without his
helmet. The orc-extras still hanging around waiting for someone to help
them out of their costumes were yelling taunts at the Elves who were
because they stopped at the beauty parlor on the way to Mordor.
They helpfully throw their props at Elrond, ruffling his freshly
locks. Elrond responded with suggested alternate destinations for those
props (to be later dubbed over with Elvish), and a nasty fight broke
out. Luckily, Sean Astin was on hand with his camera for personal film
projects and captured this on film to be edited in later.
:: mutters curses (more gibberish mistaken for Elvish)
Elrond retired backstage to study his William Shatner's Acting
Correspondence Course and watch some soap operas for vocal delivery
tips while waiting for the Fellowship to arrive in Rivendell.
Being kind and caring servants of the Dark Lord, the ringwraiths start
gathering up their new black robes so that they look extra scary and
begin combing their horses.
Frodo, laughing his head off at the prologue, slipped out into the
to read his book and wait for a certain wizard to show up. Bilbo
was still asleep when he left him, which was odd considering all the
noise of party preparations and visitors hanging on the bell and never
giving a moment's peace. He couldn't help but wonder if the
old fellow was
Bilbo suddenly snorted awake after a really long sleep...
"Now, where is my book?" said he, scratching his head.
"Oh well never mind, I still have this beautiful ring."
"Oh, what a beastly thing to happen", muttered Gandalf as one of
wheels on his cart rolled away. "I'll never get to The Shire in time
old Bilbo's party" He then remembered that he is a
clever wizard and
managed to fix the wheel in no time at all, managing after a slight
delay to get back on track.
::singing:: The road goes ever on and on...
::Galadriel and Gollum have been sitting stage-left watching the
men, elves and orcs frantically trying to keep up with the Prologue::
Galadriel "Oh, good grief, with the fuss Elrond is making
over his hair you'd actually think it was his own!"
Gollum "Gollum! ::cough, choke:: "Do you know how
incredibly hard it isss to talk like thisss??"
::Galadriel steps up to the microphone again and places her
hand over it. To the human,
elf and orc extras making the fracas on stage she says,
"Do give it a rest, you're too late. You'll have to just sit
down and wait until the flashbacks!"::
"the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of
[Sam is weeding the garden in front of Bag End]
"I wonder where Mr. Frodo's got to. I haven't seen him all
*hears a rumbling sound in the distance*
*is nearly trampled by a large group of orc extras*
Pippin wandered out of pub, pint in hand to see how things were going
with set-up for the market scene.
mutter, mutter, hubub-hubub, swearing from crew, milling
around from hobbit extras.
Pippin pulled an ornate fob watch from pocket, rolled his eyes
back inside to play a game of darts with Merry and Gaffer Gamgee.
He found Merry still sitting and sipping on his Entwash Slurpee.
"Pip! You're back! Hey, remember that
conspiracy thing we
had cooked up? Good news! Frodo isn't moving his stuff from Bag
End after all!"
"Woo hoo!" rejoiced his companion.
"Sooooo...," continued Merry. "After Bilbo's party, we just have to
have our usual escapades
as scheduled at Farmer Maggot's, and they'll just send Frodo and Sam to
meet up with us there when they are ready for us to head out."
Pippin nodded. "Cool!"
Merry sighed. "Oh yeah, and one more thing... we don't get to kick
ruffian booty when
we come home. Man, I was looking forward to becoming a local war
hero. But, at least we get to be
funny some... and handsome... I'd say we look quite
Pippin looked at Merry questioningly. "Handsome? Is that in the
script?" He watched while the script editor cursed and kept
switching between black marker pen and pencil, then nudged Merry.
"So do you think Sam's noticed the pink nail varnish on his feet
Frodo continued to alternately doze and read under the tree.
Nope. No wizard yet....
He pulled out a sack of cookies and munched them then made a face as he
bit into a piece of potato, which he had originally taken for white
"I really, really wish Sam's Gaffer hadn't given him that 1001
Ways to Cook Potatoes" book. Oh well..."
Elrond sat before his mirror in Rivendell, combing his precious raven
locks which, regardless of their origins, are HIS now, bought and paid
for. Since the Fellowship was taking its sweet time getting
gave himself a facial and began rewriting his genealogy to edit out the
men and Vulcans. "Just wait until that smart-aleck Glorfindel makes fun
of my ears and eyebrows again," muttered he, reaching for the tweezers.
"I'd like to see HIS pedigree. Bet his mother was a troll."
He calls up his mother-in-law using the hidden communications device in
his Captain Midnightelf magic decoder ring and asks to see the receipt
for HER hair. "Not my own, indeed!" he sniffed.
::Galadriel heard a faint beeping from Nenya. Pressing a secret
button, she raised it to her face::
::she paused to listen... a wry smile gathered at the corners
of her mouth::
"Why, of course I have a reciept for my hair! It's called a Birth
::She snickered as she turned off the communcator.
"Honestly, I don't know what my daughter ever saw in that elf.....
but it certainly wasn't his hair"
Back under a tree near Hobbiton...
Frodo stretched and wandered down to the cart-track. He peered up
and down the road.
Where's that blasted wizard? He's going to miss the party at this rate,
and he's supposed to be part of the entertainment! Besides,
Bilbo's been up to something, and odds are Gandalf knows what it
Frodo set aside some of the cookies, just in case they come in
handy for bribing news out the wizard.
Meanwhile in another part of middle earth
FARAMIR: (whining)But I want to go to Imladris. Dad, can't I go
BOROMIR: You dork! You can't go to Imladris. I'm the oldest, I
get to go.
FARAMIR: But you always get to do the fun stuff. I wannna
BOROMIR: No way!!
FARAMIR: C'mon, pleeeeeeezzzz?
DENETHOR: (staring into a strange roundish tv set) huh?
BOROMIR: Dad, tell Faramir, he can't go on the quest.
DENETHOR: (still staring) umm....Faramir, you can't go on the
quest....now will you two get outa here, can't ya see I'm busy?
BOROMIR: (sticks tongue out at Faramir)
FARAMIR: Fine! (he grabs Boromir's horn and runs out the door)
BOROMIR: Hey!! give that back!! Faramir!!! (runs out the door
Back at the Green Dragon...
Merry, still hanging with Pip at the tavern, started to lead the crowd
in a rousing chorus of... something that drunk hobbits sing, followed
by cheering with the crowd and returning to the bar
for another drink.
"Ah," gasped Merry," I can't have another drop. Okay, maybe one
Merry watched sweet Rose Cotton tap him another mug and set it down on
the bar towards him with a smile. He grinned and nodded, then
suddenly got a sobered look. "I feel a great disturbance in the
Pippin looked at Merry confused and questioning. Merry
gasped and continued, "As if a thousand voices were crying out and then
were suddenly silent. "
Pippin shook his head and took another sip from his pint.
Merry looked straight at Pip with an expressionless gaze. and
waved his hand in front of Pippin's face. "You should go home and
rethink your life. "
"Excuse me? "
Merry looked at his hand and shook it, then tried again. "You
should go home and rethink your life."
Pippin burst out laughing at Merry, and Merry looked between his hand
and Pippin with a confused expression.
A hobbit extra came up
from behind Merry and placed his hand on Merry's shoulder. Merry
spun around and grasped towards his belt as if to draw a sword.
In a fraction of a second, Merry has drawn his weapon, pointing it into
the face of the hobbit extra. Then a new thunder of laughter from
Pippin is heard as we see that Merry is holding only a long hard summer
"Ah! We meet again at last! " Merry cried.
"Excuse me, sir... but your
friends seem to have slipped you a parody copy of today's script. " the
extra said drily.
"That's not true! That's impossible!"
"I am afraid it is, sir... they marked it "Jedi Merry" in the
upper right and made sure you were given that copy. "
Merry looked shocked and heard Pippin snickering in the background
while offstage Galadriel, Elrond, and Boromir cackled. He stuck
his tongue out at the dark corner beyond the stage lights toward
the laughter, then fwapped Pippin with the sausage as he stalked past
him toward his dressing room.
Meanwhile, various hobbits set to work getting the tents and tables set
up for a grand party. The spits were turning, the ovens were baking and
plenty of good smells were filling the air. The Old Gaffer
stopped puttering in his tater patch and leaned on the fence to watch,
chewing on a potato absently.
Glancing back up the Hill, he noticed the windows and doors of Bag End
were shut fast, not a surprise considering the way old Ms. Lobelia kept
lurking about under the windows. If he had someone like that trying to
shoot in through the door every time it opened, he'd keep his door shut
too. He paused to load a few potatoes into his pockets, for ammo,
just in case she popped up out of the bushes anywhere near to him.
He peered at the sign that has recently appeared on the front
"Fresh Fish $3.50 lb."
Looks like them pranksters from the Inn have been up to no good
Pippin went outside the tavern and nudged Gandalf's body double, "That
jedi Merry trick was good! But do you have any idea when your man
is turning up? Frodo's been in the woods long enough to have become
"Not a clue old chap, I wished they'd get going though, I'm
meant to be on the cart for when Frodo makes his leap, but they've told
me to wait here as they want to get the bridge and market scenes done
while this sunshine is good."
From his terrace Elrond noticed his daughter Arwen slipping off toward
the bridge. Shortly thereafter that blasted Dunadan wanders by,
feigning nonchalance, hands in pockets, whistling a merry tune, but
when he saw no one was looking he took off in the same
direction. Elrond remembered what he and Celebrian used to get up to on
that bridge, and sees he must put a stop to this consorting with lesser
beings at once.
Seeing an opportunity to get back at that prankster Glorfindel while at
the same time giving Arwen a distraction, Elrond made a few calls on
his magic Captain Midnightelf secret decoder ring.
"Hello, is this Peter Jackson?" he said. "Look, it's about my
daughter Arwen, she needs a job.... Yeah, she's light and speedy, a
terrific rider. She'd do a much better job than that other guy,
what's-his-name, Glorf-something. ... Hey, and you know the other day
heard him say your kids would make better orcs than hobbits ...
Yeah, thanks a lot, we'll do lunch ..."
On the edge of Hobbiton....
Gandalf finally rolled up on his cart.
::cheers from the crowd::
"I'm starving...wonder if there's anyone here." Gandalf said as
he looked all around. "Hello?"
In Bag End...
Bilbo was hiding in his bedroom "confounded relatives hanging on the
doorbell" and whilst there he decided to take the time to try on his
"Hmm, I wonder if this pink shirt suits me?"
[In the Green Dragon Sam sat up slowly and groaned...then he
noticed his feet...]
"AHHHGHH!!! What in Middle Earth...?"
Under the tree, Frodo looked up from his book and realized that Gandalf
was approaching and far more rapidly than he had expected. He was
hard pressed to get down the slope to the road before the wizard had
He was moving so fast when he got to the bank he found it difficult to
stop. Instead, his feet slid on the dewy grass and he became briefly
airborne landing, thank goodness, on something soft.
"OOOOF!" said the something, then began to vehemently grumble
about hobbits in some long-forgotten language.
Frodo, slipping off of it, grabbed at the nearest thing available to
keep from landing on his back on the road.
"Not the beard!" said the something. It had a familiar voice, in spite
of the glowering.
"Gandalf!" said Frodo happily. He blinked his big blue eyes at
the wizard, as this was usually a good way to be forgiven very quickly.
"You're late. We're going to have to hurry to get to Hobbiton in time
now - better move this cart along!"
As Gandalf quickened the pace Bill began to get tired.
Yeah, it's me. Pete couldn't find a pony to do the job for this role
so he made me double up. The pay's good, especially when Sam's the one
cooking the potatoes, but I don't get any credit for it. My name
doesn't even appear in the credits, nor am I considered part of the
Fellowship, even though I was the one that helped...they wouldn't have
survived without me! I kinda wanted to get the tattoo also but Sam told
me I couldn't. I was gonna get it right behind my left ear, so that Sam
would remember where it felt best when he scratched my ears. Oh well.
At least Pete isn't going to make me go the whole way...that would be
[Bill continued to trot along happily as Frodo reached over to
feed Bill his 'cookies'...apparently Gandalf didn't like them very
Far off and away in Middle Earth, in the country of Genosia's, in the
local Hooters, evil lurks in the depths. Saruman the White and that
nasty french fry guy Sauron are conversing over some ale. Rich
dark wood with brass bannisters and friendly chatter surround them as
waitresses in frilly bustiers drop off fried chicken wings on their
table while self important waistcoated hobbits, elves, and men, ogle,
munching celery with bleu cheese sauce and leer and pass along
whispered naughty requests to their servers who respond with a whack on
their upper arm in disgust.
The palantir is channeling their favorite sports channel covering
Farmer Maggot Veggie stealing and sickle-dodging.
"Sauron-baby! The Sauron-meister! The Sauron-orama! Da
Evil dude! W'sup? W'sup? Hey, gimme an "Ash narhg" for old times sake,
huh?" nudged Saruman.
Sauron growled at him. "I hate it when you suck up to me like
that. Stop it with
the anti-hero worship, ok? I've a whole Middle Earth to wreak havoc,
and you grovel like some tongue-to-the-floor, warg-whipped idiot.
Now take your furry face out of your pullet parts and harken to
He lifted a mug of ale to his face, clinking the mug to his metal mask,
before he remembered he was wearing it, then slammed it back down to
the bar with a throaty
growl in frustration.
Saruman lifted his head up from the wings, beard dripping with red
sauce, and offered Sauron a straw.
"You my tight! You got me straight trippin', bro! Hey I
aint' been livin' large for 6000 years for nothin'. You da man! Owe it
all to you. Hey I got some nice digs over at Orthanc, wanna hang out
after this? I got some great throw pillows - we could watch the
Palantir and see the Orc decaps challenge at Middle Earth Bowl.... "
Saruman picked up and waved an Orc Team Number 1 large foam hand.
Sauron was not amused. "No, I have people to enslave, wars to
to plunder, pain to inflict, cool stuff like that. You're
too puppydogish to be part of my evil plans. I already control
half, but most of those slaves are those dumb Orc Berserkers, and they
have the brain power that's one step beyond the primordial ooze they
evolved from. What makes you think you can handle what I got going? You
think you can ride with the big dogs? Can you woof like a big dog?
Lemme see you woof. Those orcs sure don't have a clue, and
neither do you. " He flicked a munched chiken bone at Saruman
and fwapped his face.
"But I wanna!" Saruman whined. " I can hang with the big dogs. Please
part of your evil, despicable plans! It's no fun being in my
castle all alone, reading books, knitting, and playing with my Hello
Kitty collection. But just who are you, anyway? I'd really
like to see you unmask. I really don't recognize you with that fry
thing on your head. Could you remove it? "
Sauron removed his helmet slowly and placed it on the bar, revealing
another huge black helmet and glasses.
Saruman gasped in recognition. "You're Dark Helmet! from
"In the flesh. Now take these Death Star plans and get your
furface out of here. I'm going to create a grand army of the
Republic, one those puny hobbits, elves, and men will never be able to
withstand. You might have some piddly job to do, like create some
tasty Uruk-Thai cooking. Just stay in touch with me."
Back in Hobbiton...
Glaring at the impudent pup of a hobbit for landing on him so heavily
Gandalf shuffled his bones and robe back into shape and gave Bill the
gee-up with the reins.
"A wizard is never late, Frodo Baggins, he is however, sometimes held
up in the make up department because some darn fool half-elf is moaning
about his toupee!"
...he calmed down and got all twinkly as Frodo batted his big blue
"Anyway I already know I'm late. It seems we'll do
the bit with the fireworks in the lane afterwards. Of course Peter
could have phoned me but Props insisted I can have the pipe or the
mobile phone fit into the staff not both! Something tells me that
when it comes to looping this we'll get talk a whole a lot of different
He nudged Frodo "Anyway dear boy, do me a favour; get off and cut
across country to let them know we're going as fast as we can, I don't
know this is only meant to be a few miles from the East road to
Hobbiton and its winding back and forth across a square mile more than
Frodo considered this for a moment, but it utterly baffled him.
I'm sorry, Gandalf, but I can't make heads nor tails out of what you
just said. What's a "props" or "mohbill fone"? Is it
Dwarvish? Bilbo ordered some Dwarvish trinkets for his party -
did you know that? And fireworks too...oh, right. Well, you obviously
know that one. Sorry. But the folks in Hobbiton can wait - I'll
keep riding along with you, if you don't mind. Tell me all about the
outside world! Is it still there? I'm terribly curious but also
utterly innocent, you know, which is most unnatural."
Meanwhile in the Green Dragon....
"Merry! Pippin! Where are you??" Sam stomped off towards the sound of
singing but as he neared the singing stopped....and turned to
"Who you laughin' at short stuff? yeah, I'm talkin' to you!" The
room became quiet as all the hobbits looked around.
"Never mind. Just tell me where Merry and Pippin have gotton off to?"
He noticed two figures creeping away out of the corner of his
eye. "Not so fast..."
Merry and Pippin snickered. "Nice, feet...um....Sammy boy..."
Sam glared. "Don't start with me.....you know I ain't never
looked any good in pink anyhow...you're gonna get it....just you
wait.....just you wait....."
Merry and Pip supressed thier laughter as Sam walked off very
seriously, avoiding a glance from Rosie....
In the cart...
Gandalf looked down at Frodo's doey wide blue eyed but frankly baffled
expression and remembered himself.
"Ah yes, Dwarvish stuff, for the party." He nodded at the
coloured boxes and tubes in the back of the cart.
"Well the outside world is all still there, hills, woods, mountains,
elves, dwarves and men...but what do you mean unnnatural?"
In the Green Dragon...
Rosie, being an observant hobbit-lass, tells Sam not to worry about
Merry and Pippin and gets her nail-polish-remover. To Sam's great
relief, she returns his nails to normal.
"Thank you Mistress Rose, I, um, I am v-very grateful" Sam continues to
stumble over his words as he blushes.
[Sam thinks] Well, ok, maybe this isn't so bad after all...at
least it got Rosie to talk to me!
In another part of the Shire, Bill is startled and thinks to
"What was that? I think I heard a voice somewhere but it
didn't sound like blue-eyes or ole' Gandalf up there...?"
Sam looked around. "What the....?" he accidentally said out loud.
Rosie looked confused. "What is it?"
"Nothing, I just... no, it was nothing. I have to get going. I've
gotta start planning against Took and Brandybuck."
Rosie smiled "Ok Sam...just don't be too harsh...they're our best
"Bye, Miss Rosie"
Sam walked out the door and wondered what he heard. It said
about Gandalf and Frodo (he assumed) so they must have something in
common. He tries to respond. "Hello? who's there?" Nobody responded,
he got strange glances from other hobbits. Sam thinks, "Why isn't
"Why isn't what working, ole chap?" Bill apparantly
knew what he was doing, or else just couldn't say what he was thinking.
Sam began to catch on. He thought "Hello? Who's talking to
me? er, um, thinking to me?"
"I am, Sam. Or rather, you are Sam since I am Bill, and it is I who
is thinking to you, though, I think you were the first one
who thought so that means you are thinking to me and I am
responding through thought."
"Wha- um, wait a second, what was that?"
"Let me rephrase this. I'm Bill and I assume you are Sam. And
we can talk through thought. Understand now?"
"Yes, I think so. You said something about Frodo and
Gandalf...do you know them?"
"Yes I do. I am with them now and I wish they would go faster.
Gandalf I guess doesn't care if he misses his cue...ah well..."
"Yes, well, ok...um, Bill? Do you always listen in on my
"Well no. Not untill now, actually." Bill seemed
quite content chewing on his potatoes.
"Do you think you could maybe not listen now, if you catch my
meaning. I don't think I want someone just listening in all the time."
"Very well. I do hope I get to think to you again though!"
Sam felt a shock and couldn't hear anymore of Bill's thoughts. He
gave out a sigh. "Now that was weird." He noticed there was no response
and he gave out another sigh of relief.