Bucklebury's LotR Parody

An ongoing role-play parody by various fans on StefBrandybuck's Bucklebury.net

The Old Forest


As they dashed under the trees, giggling...

Their giggling was not alone . . .

 
The Old Forest could sense the hobbits as they dashed off beneath the trees.  
 
It has been a long time since we had visitors of this kind, hasn't it.  Well now, where are these wee folk off to in such a hurry.
Look at them, running around and traking mud on my nice carpet of leaves!  And in their Bare feet!?! Don't they know that the oil
on the bottoms of feet are much worse than any dirt they could bring on their shoes!!!  Honestly, how am I to keep things
neat and tidy.  
 
I will have to rush them out of here as fast as I can.  You there, Fir glen.  When the head your way lead them to the
left.  Briar patch, don't let them get past you, flex your thorns.  And let's keep them moving quickly!  Rustle your leaves
together and creak in the wind to spook them.  
 
And silently the old forest added, "don't let them NEAR old man Willow.  He will keep them here forever!"
 


Unfortunately, the Old Forest was Dyslexic, and his orders sent them heading for the Withywindle . . .

The Entwife was strolling along quite happily when all of a sudden she stopped dead in her tracks. What she saw was nothing other than horrific!!!
 
There it was....as plain as the bark on her face.....someone, or something had scraped onto a rock the words "Harry Potter Rulz!"!!!
 
She looked around in time to see a geeky looking kid with black rimmed glasses stealing away........"wingardium leviosa, wingardium leviosa!" he kept giggling.
 
The Entwife couldn't believe it....time to make like a tree and leave, she decided.


It was a long ride to Isenguard, and Elladan settled down into the rhythm of his horse, watching all the land around alertly.  Elrohir  sat side-saddle in his horse, reading a huge book and munching on an apple.
 
Finally after many miles, Elladan's curiosity was aroused.  "What is that, the new Harry Potter book?"
 
"Nope," said Elrohir, and he tosses his apple core and hits his bother on the head with it.  "This, my dim-witted and flea-beleagured brother, is the script for LOTR, the movie.  I 'borrowed' it from one of those Elf-maidens - in - waiting that always hang aroung Arwen and try to steal screentime."
 
"That is great!  Now we can go and be where ever the action is!"  Elladan reaches for the book, but Elrohir holds it outside of his reach.
 
"Not so fast, Lembas-breath!  We gotta plan this carefully.  Let's deliver this blasted message first and then we will go and have some fun.  According to this," he waves the book temptingly under Elladan's nose and snatches it away again, "There is supposed to be quite a party up in Eriador, in a little tavern where I used to pick up... er, where I used to go to Ranger-moots.  It is called the Prancing Pony."
 
"Coolness!  You are  the greatest, Elroy!"
 
"You're not so bad yourself, Elldorf!"
 
"Elrohir, don't call me that."
 
"Okay.... Elldingle!"
 
their horses' hooves devoured the gound as the land of Hollin sped away below them, and the last mountain that sheltered the tower of Isengard grew tall on the horizon.

Tom Bombadil stopped short . .  . . the guy was doing Bambi style eyes . . . . .  .he tried to tear away his eyes but found himself drawn to them . . . . .
nooooo . . . tiddly berry . . nope . ..  ..  
*struggles to resist*
awwwh gosh, I'll get you out just stop with the eyes already . . . . please . . . stop piddly pom.  
(darn that pooh . . . he cant get that song outta his head . . . )
*looks around for somthing to aid him, spots sword in the tramps side pocket, grabs it . . .raises it . . . .   .and prepares to amputate*
ARGGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
*the sword comes crashing down................*

Meanwhile, back at the Hedge...

Fredegar waved vaguely at the darkness under the trees of the Old Forest. "Glad I'm not going in there..." he thought, "and they'll be wishing they stayed behind with me before long, I'll warrant!"
 
He turned back toward the gate just in time to hear it clang-to. His heart froze as he began to run. "Oh, no! Now what was that password?" His mind raced to remember all the things he'd seen Mr. Merry do to get past the Buckland Bounder... password, secret sign, hand-shake, decoder ring... and just as he was reaching for the bell he heard a most terrifying screech!!

<insert terrified screech>
 
 "AAAAAAAAAH!"
 
Aragorn jerked himself up and bonked the little man over the head. Tom fell over backwards and did a triple somersault into a stream.
 
Aragorn blinked and looked down at his muddy arm. It was out of the hole all right, but he wasn't sure if it was completely attached from the feel of it.

Frodo adjusted the straps on his light pack and looked up at the dark trees above them.  They didn't match the color of the ones on the map, but he was pretty sure it was the right forest anyway.  Merry's little hidden way through the Hedge had been too full of prickly twigs and aphids for his liking, but he was glad they were on their way in spite of having to deal with Merry and Pippin tagging along. Maybe he and Sam could lose them later on.
 
He looked back at the Hedge where Merry and Pippin were struggling with the pack ponies trying to get them the rest of the way in.  He pulled a leftover brownie out of his pocket and chewed on it thoughtfully.   "Which way do we go?" he called to them. "These trees all look alike in the dark, though the sun will be rising before too much longer... Sam, where's the lantern?"


Tom:  *choke, spluttter . . . . nurses sore head . . . .*
 
OW ho derry derry, what on earth was that for . . . . .  
 
*grabs The newly feed, undeniably strong and obviously tetchy blokes arm and yanks it . . . . . *
 

. . .a shiver ran through the forest at the word
 
LANTERN!?!

 
Quick, sound the alarm!  These folks who are dripping "Brownie Crumbs" on our nice clean floor are thinking of lighting a fire!!
 
You there, Aphids!  Quit bothering these creatures and go find the BEAR!!!  
 
The aphids, including their tiny Queen, roll 5 of their 6 eyes, leaving one on the brownie . . .
 
Yes, I know what he's doing . . . it is what they ALL do in the woods!  We'll deal with that later!  Tell him to put on that tacky "Mounty" hat of his and high-tail it to the clearing!
 
Tiffany, Queen of the Aphids, adjusted her tiny tiara, and replied
 
'First, Old Forest' she said, in a pouty voice 'I think you forgot to say Please.'
 
The Old Forest dropped a maple seed, sending it whirling like a blade of death through the swarm of aphids guarding Tiffany.  The queen, seeing that the pouty voice wasn't going to work, pushed her tiny tiara down over her forehead and in her best brooklyn accent responded
 
Time and kindling are wasting, you old tinderbox!  Forget saying 'please' and just help us out with the ants.  You know what they do to us--enslave us and treat us like cattle.  I won't even go into how humiliating it is to be attached to an ant-sized milking machine.  We will get you the bear, and you  will get us and aardvark.  Otherwise, we will use our tiny wings and fan the flames!!!
 
Relenting, the forest promised to find them an aardvark (whatever that was).  Tiffany agreed to it and called to her troops
"All right, flyboys!  Operation Send Smokey is underwing.  I feel the need for speed!
 
And with that, the aphids swarmed into the night . . .

...back at the Gap of Rohan, hundreds of leagues and several area codes away....

The two half-elven brothers rode on for a while without speaking, the only sound was the beat of their horses's hooves and the low rummbling sound of thunder that grew louder the closer they came to the Wizard's Vale.  
 
After a while, Elladan asked, "Elrohir, what if this Saurman chappie wants us to take a message back to Elrond?  You know that will mean that Ada will send us back again with another note, and we could be at this for weeks."
 
"No problem!  We just drop it off with Lindar as we ride past toward Bree.  He can deliver the message to El-dad, and if there is another note to carry, then Figwit can deliver it or something.  It's not like he is busy doing anything else!"
 
"Elrond will not be pleased if we don't deliver it ourselves."
 
Elrohir snorts with laughter, "Like he wasn't pleased when we let those 13 dwarves into Rivendell 60 years ago?  Lucky that Gandalf and that little hobbit fellow Bilbo was with 'em, or we would still be grounded."
 
Elladan shuddered, remembering their father's ire at finding the guestrooms teeming with Dwarves.  He laughed then, "Heh heh!  I guess you are right, El.  Dadrond always did have a rather limited sense of humour.  Lo!  There is the tower of Orthanc at last!  Give me the message, Elrohir!  You got to deliver the last one."
 
"Did not!  You did!  It is my turn."
 
"Awww, come on... you got to go visit Grandma Galadriel last time Arwen needed an escort."
 
"So?  I had to sit for hours and listen to Grampa Celeborn drone on and on about his new tailor and his stupid cow-lick and how he gets his hair to hang straight; as if I care!"
 
"How about I deliver this message, and you can deliver the next two... agreed?"
 
"Deal!"  Elrohir rummaged in his saddlebag and came out with the squashed roll of parchment and handed it to his brother.  "Just make it fast, alright?  We don't want the party to start without us!"
 
A figure standing in the dark recesses of a window high in the tower watches the brothers approach, then slowly closes the heavy shutter with a soft *clang*...
 
Aragorn nearly tripped over Tom as he turned back to the trees. The little man yanked on his arms hard, and it hurt!
 
Aragorn whacked him over the head again, but he wouldn't let go. He just kept on tugging and yammering something about a "Hay Doll" and lilies for a lady!
 
Finally Aragorn managed to pry him off of his arm climbed a tree until Tom went away.


Frodo popped the last of the brownie into his mouth, not realizing he'd eaten an aphid with it, thereby producing a martyr for Tiffany's cause.  He flicked the crumbs off his fingers and bent to pry lumps of mud off of his cuffs, unaware of the squadron that flew over his head into the waning darkness. His hands were cold and he couldn't see a thing.  
 
"Sam! The lantern!"  he snapped a bit impatiently.  "And be sure it has a good bright, hot, crackling, flame. "  
 

The Old forest, frightened by Frodo's call, became incontinent and let loose a storm of acorns from above the hobbits.  Poor Sam, he never knew what hit him.


Sam had been scrambling to get his lantern when....."Ooghf!"
 
He suddenly was trapped under a pile of acorns. All he could hear were three people running over to help him, one of them trying to hold laughs in, the other two giggling insanely.  
 
All they could hear was a muffled....
 
"PIPYERONMYARM!"
 
When they had finally gotton the acorns off of Sam, he stood up and looked around. He looked up, and down, everywhere.
 
"What in Middle Earth? Where did those come fr...." he stopped suddenly. He heard a rustling in the leaves of a bush nearby. "Shh!" he told them.  
 
"Sam, um, there's still an acorn in your ear. I don't think there's any other noise than that."
 
Sam payed no attention; Rather, he crept to where he thought he heard the rustling. He pulled apart the bushes and...
 
(All hobbits): Gasp!


Meanwhile back at Rivendell...

Elrond's recovery was aided by a few shots of miruvor straight, but the memory of Arwen's love letter to "King Snuggle Bear" still haunted him. After much fuming and pacing and a few kicks aimed at one of the shiftless elves laying nearby singing to a pile of leaves, ("Get up, get a job, you lazy git! Do you have any idea how expensive you are to feed?") Elrond decided it was high time to do something about the situation.  
 
He returned to his room to examine his family tree again, searching for a suitably pureblood elf who might distract Arwen from her absurd fascination with mortals.


Aragorn, who had by now climbed down from the tree, was coming upon even huger worms than before! Exitedly he began digging again with a stick.  
 
After only a few minutes in the mud, he was unrecognizable. Then he came across a worms rear-end sticking out of the hole's wall. The ranger dug like mad, and started to sing...sort of.
 
"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beeeerrr..."
 
Actually, the resulting sound was more like something between a terrible cough and someone trying to sing while laughing hard.
 
Then...the bushes rustled.


Frodo gave another gasp of pain and hopped around, holding the foot he had used to stamp out the pile of smouldering acorns that still had a lit lantern somewhere down under them. He scattered the pile and finally reached the lantern, lifting it up so he could see what in the world the rest of the hobbits were gasping at in this early dawn light.

Their gasping was caused by none other than the entrance of a large bear, wearing a Mounty Hat!!!
 
What the devil is going on here!  And for heaven's sake, shut your mouths!!!  What?! Were you raised in a BARN?!!??!  
 I have been driven insane by these aphids and their tiny queen buzzing my ears off that one of you short ones ate her royal wizard!  Now your gasping is sucking them in by the hundreds.  
 
Three of the hobbit's jaws click shut, Sam, however is agog, watching as a strange looking man climbs out of the bushes, rubbing his arm.
 
'Oh no, not YOU again,' said Smokey, as he went over to the smoldering acorn pile and stamped out the lantern's flames.  
 
'Tiff, this really is the limit!   You drag me from that nice field where I was . . . well . . . uh  . . . recovering from meeting THIS insane fisherman!  He snuck up behind me, gave me a wedgie, and grabbed the trout right out of my mouth!  
 
He raised his face to the overhanging branches and cried, "That is IT!!  I am going back to the normal woods where morons just start fires.  That I can handle.  But being called out of the privy by Aphids to go chase Big-footed beavers who are starting forest fires while dropping crumbs onto the DIRT floor of an obsesive/compulsive neat-freak FOREST  is too much for this grizzly!!!!!!
 
Sorry Ol' Forest, you are on your own!  But before I go, all of you young hoodlums--Hand over your flint, you can get more from the roads! And you there--Angler Boy!  Just remember--that fish you caught from me was downstream of where the aphids found me. Bone-Appetit!
 
And with that, the grizzly took off mumbling, "I gotta find a better tag line. 'Only I can prevent forest fires!' what was I thinking, it should be  'Only YOU can pre . . .

Thus he wandered out of the woods and changed his name.  Now if you want to prevent forest fires, you must go in search of Teddy Ruxbin!


Frodo, who had not understood a word the strangely attired bear had growled at them, stood very very still and shut his eyes hoping that when he opened them again it would be gone.  He wondered who the bear had eaten to obtain that hat.
 
When he carefully cracked one eye back open the bear, to his great relief, was gone but is his place stood a very scroungy and disreputable looking Big Person.  The wind shifted slightly and a wave of hair oil, worm, dirt and fish scent washed over him to his great revulsion.  Flies buzzed.


"Uh, hi. I was just going to get the queen worm." he mumbled half to himself and then scrambled back into the bushes. No one followed him, so he sat back down to watch hi hole for worms and tried to wipe the mud off of his face (which was, at the moment, completely unrecognizable).


The hobbits all stood and gaped at the bushes for a bit, but when it became evident that the strange and smelly Big Person wasn't intending to return they began to relax.
 
Frodo looked at the others.  "This forest really is creepy" he said, " Let's try to get through it as fast as we can, so we don't run into any more of these strange inhabitants.  Merry, which way do we go?"
 
After they had shared a brief snack, he plunged into the undergrowth following Merry, with Sam and Pippin leading the ponies behind.  The trees creaked and groaned strangely all around them as they followed what appeared to be a faint path.  He hoped Fatty was doing okay back in Crickhollow, and that the ponies were carrying enough food for lunch!


After walking about the gardens of Orthanc twice while Saurman complained about the girls who kept interrupting his studies trying to sell him cookies and the boys selling their candy bars, Gandalf got testy.
 
"Now see here Saruman, you sent me a message to get here right away - before midsummer in fact and here I am. Rode halfway across the continent to see you and you have nothing to tell me more than complaining  about kids selling you junkfood?!"
 
While walking, Gandalf had taken a good look at his old friend and now that he could get a word in he voiced his theory on the missing white robe. "Maybe if you didn't eat so much you could fit into that white robe of yours." He patted the other wizard's growing stomach.
 
"So tell me your important news."

After Fatty recovered from his fright (he could have sworn the screech came from the direction of the house in Crick Hollow, but there seemed to be some kind of weird echo from the Old Forest....) he ran straight to Brandy Hall to raise the alarm!
 
Fear! Fries! Foes!

 
The horns of Buckland tore the blanket of peace off a sleepy shire!

In his bed in Hobbiton, the Old Gaffer suddenly sat bolt upright as his blankets were torn off! "Wha...guh...what th' blazes...?" he mumbled only half-awake.  He thought he heard a distant echo of a horn blowing somewhere in the distance. "Dratted tweenagers...."  
 
Saruman the kind-of-off-color suddenly realized his guest had not been paying the slightest attention to his rambling as they strolled thorugh the garden. He abruptly changed the subject.  
 
"So, Gandalf, you want to know why I wanted you to see me? You know my specialty is in....erm...jewelry *wink wink, nudge nudge*  And it could possibly have something to do with that..  Hmmmm? "  His thick bushy eyebrows rose as he fixed his intensely interested gaze rather disconcertingly on his guest.  "I doubt you believe you are here to inquire about my gardening skills or cooking, for instance... or to comment on my weight.  Come inside with me, old friend, and have a cup of tea out of this glaring sunshine while you tell me how things have been in that strange little place called....Shire."
 
The two wizards stumbled up the steps, tripping over their long robes and finally made it, gasping into the main hall of Orthanc.  
 
"The sun comes in so strongly here in the afternoons - I don't want it to fade my furniture. You don't mind if I close the doors do you?"   *clang!*  
 
"Come....sit down.  A little bird mentioned to me that you might know the whereabouts of some....jewelry *wink wink nudge nudge* that I may be able to help you with."

"Thank you for the tea," Gandalf said as he took a sip. "And you are most correct, I did not come here to talk about gardening, cooking or your added weight. I came because of Radagast's message - the message YOU sent. It said you had important information for me."
 
"And just what jewerly are you thinking about? You know the dwarves hoard their jewels very closely, the elves give theirs freely to friends and the Hobbits, where I've been visiting, have none to speak of. In fact, you practically dragged me out of the most pleasant party I've been to in an age."
 
Gandalf gave the higher ranking Wizard a glare. In fact, it was very similar to the glare that had nearly turned Sam into mush after he was pulled through BagEnd's window. Gandalf waited, thinking about the little folk he had sent on thier dangerous errand. He hoped they were in Bree and had met with Aragorn already.
 
Saruman walked over to his chair, which was made of a nice (unfaded) black leather. It looked very comfortable from where Gandalf was standing, though when taken in with the rest of the room it looked quite uninviting.
 
"Well, old friend? What were you hinting at in the letter - it sounded important and now that you've dragged me here from half a continent away I think I have the right to know."

Saruman slowly eased his creaking joints into his chair.  "Very well then. We shall speak plainly, you and I.  We who are far above such scrabbling little creatures as men and hobbits and...Elves. "   He grew thoughtful for a moment.  "Sauron is regaining strength in the land of Mordor.  His fortress is being rebuilt, though the scaffolding is going to be quite a headache to take down when it's done and his minions keep banging the nails in crooked.  He will soon launch his army to take over all of Middle Earth.  I saw the Nine splash across the river Isen on Midsummer's Eve.  They muddied my gardens most terribly...they seemed to be heading a bit North and West...looking for something...."
 
He paused for dramatic effect, watching his guest carefully.
 
"All he needs is his.....RING to accomplish this....you haven't , by any chance, found any such trinket laying around anywhere, have you? It would be most....helpful to the cause of us wizards if you had. You can trust me.  After all, we wizards need to stick together through thick and thin.  And we need to be sure we're always on the winning side."

Grima closed the shutters with a *clang*, wincing as the noise carried echoingly though the tower of stone.  Every sound he made seem magnified, and he only wished to avoid notice.  His Master Saurman, for whom he worked in secret, valued his privacy and quiet.  Why he chose to dwell in this drafty, noisy, uninsulated pile of adamantine Grima could not guess.
 
The two figures on horseback could only mean trouble at this time.  Saurman was busy with the Grey Pilgrim, trying to get him to come on with him on some pyramid program or time-share investment he had learned about in his travels eastward.  He had not confided in Grima, and that rankled!
 
Grima shrugged into his mink housecoat.  The business of wizards was not his business, but someone had to answer the door.  There were no servants in the Orthanc anymore, except for orcs.  They were not allowed above ground at the moment, and with his High and Mighty Many-Colouredness otherwise occupied, that left the mundane chores to Grima.  "If only I hadn't answered that chain-letter," he sighed again.

A trail of mischance and weird circumstance had led him to this place, where he was a toady for a two-faced wizard and a wet-nurse for the King of Rohan, aged beyond his years by spells and primetime television.  What would happen when Grima was discovered, and his duplicity uncovered?  He did not like to think about it.
 
He padded down the hall toward the front door, his bunny slippers making a soft sursurrus sound on the cold stone floor.

The twins rode around the walls of Isenguard and entered at the southernmost point where the only gate pierced the thick stone barrier.  They raced their horses past the siege-towers, gigantic wheels turned by steam or sweating slaves, and the gaping pits of refuse and ash.
 
"Whoa!  Dude's gardner should be fired!  The grass hasn't been mowed for days!" said Elladan
 
"And just look at what has happened to the grove of fruitful trees!  Definately an over-pruning problem if ever I saw it!" replied Elrohir.
 
They hurried to the base of the tower, and Elrohir held the horses's reins impatiently while Elladan bolted up the stairs three at a time.  Picking up a rock, he pounded on the solid door loudly.  Then he noticed the doorbell, and he rang it politely.  The bell sounded a strange discord of music, not unlike "The Fugue", which echoed all through the gothic structure.  Elladan waited for 30 long seconds after the music faded, then rang again.

There were distant clanging noises and an irritating hissing, buzzing sound coming from the other room.  Saruman looked irritated.  "Pardon me, just a moment..." He got up and waded in his robes back to the main chamber, adjusting the antennae on a rounded, covered object in the middle of the room as he went.  The buzzing stopped.  Now for the hissing and clanging.  
 
"Worm," he hissed, "I have a very important guest here right now.  Whoever it is, tell them I am not to be disturbed and send them away...I do not need any more cookies, gift wrap, magazine subscriptions or pizza coupons. And gather up your belongings - I'm sending you back to Rohan soon, before Theoden wakes up too much.  You are needed there to keep him....quiet."
 
He turned and waded back to the smaller sideroom.  "I am so sorry for the interruption, Gandalf.  You were saying?"  He lifted his eyebrows inquiringly.

Grima sighs, straightening his blackmink again over his stooping shoulders.  " 'Worm, answer the door' "  he mimicked Saurman's voice in a girly falsetto, " 'Worm, I have important visitors', 'Worm, throw another orc on the fire' ... the things I do for that wizard... and what thanks do I get??  'Back to Rohan with you!  I don't care if you are allergic to horses!'
Grima reached for the door and opening it a crack, put his watering eye to it and blinked into the blinding light.
"Who is it and what do you want?" he asked gruffly.

Meanwhile, back in the Old Forest . . .
 
Dear me, what shall I do?  These dratted creatures keep running DEEPER into the woods TOWARD the Withywindle.  If they find that new "Ultimate Waterslide" I have put in, I will have their entire village running 'pell mell' through my forest, dropping slurpy cups all over the place, and wanting to know if the cotton-candy bags are waterproof.  
 
That just blister's my bark!  Oh, but wait . . . that little one is about to carve his initials into Old Man Willow!  Perhaps things will work themselves out!
 
The old forest russled its limbs together just waiting for the little terror to take a knife to ol' Willowman--the widowmaker's hide

Frodo's feet and legs were aching from all the tripping over roots and climbing over fallen logs.  The "path" that Merry was leading them on wasn't really such a great path after all, if you were thinking in terms of general comfort and event-free strolling along.  He was greatly relieved when they and their ponies finally shoved out of the undergrowth into a brightly lit valley with a river winding along through it.  Wait...
 
"A river? I thought we were going to try to avoid this river, weren't we?  Now we're really off track!"  
 
They all stood for a moment, unsure whether to try to backtrack or not.  "Well, at least we can take a break from being in all those blasted trees and find some nice shady spot to rest and have a snack.  I'm *yawn* famished.  Merry, let the ponies graze a bit.  Sam, make us some sandwiches and break out those mushroom oreos!  Pippin...where's Pippin?"
 
They looked around a bit, not wanting to call attention to themselves by yelling for him, then peered into the thick tangle of branches hanging down from a nice shady willow by the stream.

Pippin [for it is he, accept no subsitutes] had been idling along at the back of the party, dodging the horse apples in the path and surreptitiously checking by the larger trees for 'shrooms. This meant that he appeared on the river bank after the others, and saw them clustered by the old willow. Actually he noticed that Merry was busying himself amongst the willow wands, Sam was looking around puzzled, the ponies were beginning to crop the grass and Frodo was peering about looking faintly shifty.  
 
"Thinks"  
Hmm looks like cousin Frodo is waiting to duck out of sight behind the willow tree too. There's plenty of other trees though and that one in the sun by the bank is far better suited to napping against.
 
He chucked the stick he'd been using to the push the thorns and brambles aside, into the stream, plopped himself down by an open (if rutted) portion of willow trunk and asked
 
"So which way do we go now? Or are we waiting for Sam to make lunch before deciding?"
 
"and Merry whatever you're doing there stop it, this tree is better suited for napping against while Sam knocks something munchable up."
 
He patted the trunk beside him, "I say its a shame this isn't in the Marish, this tree would coppice well to make several fine sets of golf clubs." 

It was all old man willow could do not to swallow the creature whole sitting so close to his open maw.   Yet he knew better.  Any tree knew the old saying . . . "a Bird in the hand was worth two in the bush."  'And four if you are a tree,' he chuckled to himself.  Let them have a few 'shrooms, they will all sit down and sleep in the shade.  But they shall find no tears in this 'weeping willow' except their own!  And isn't it sweet of them to fatten themselves up with some dinner before they come into my net.  Silly fools, sitting on my knees!  Don't they see that THIS will be the ROOT of their problems?!!?!!?!!?!!

Frodo was mildly annoyed with Pippin for worrying them, but he felt too sleepy to bother reprimanding him.  They were all tired, and falling into a doze.   The golden sunshine was so nice and golden and the stream so soporific in it's gentle sound that he...
 
...suddenly tripped over a willow root and did a straight-on bellyflop into the stream!  
 
*agh...blahb...blub...cough...* he splashed and flailed in a sudden panic as the water closed over his head.  "Sam! Sa...blub blub..bl....*  As he resurfaced again and gasped for air he heard Sam's commonsense voice:  
 
"Stand up! It ain't more 'n a foot 'n a half deep!"  
 
He shoved his feet downward and to his great embarrassment, they touched the muddy bottom easily.  Dripping, he stood up and began wading back to the shore trying to think of what he could say to cover up his own clumsiness. "That...tree pushed me in!"   He realized it sounded ridiculous, but it could be true, right?  Dignity, always dignity.

(Meanwhile, hundreds of leagues away in Isengard...)

Elladan drew back from the blood-shot, watery blue eyeball that appeared in the crack of the door.  Glancing down at Grima's mink housecoat and bunny slippers, the Half-elven lad stiffled a giggle.  "M-m-m-message for S-s-saurman T. White *snicker* Is your Master home, ma'am?"  Elladan began to laugh out loud.
 
Grima offered him a whithering stare, or tried to, but the peredhel was oblivious, glancing back to Elrohir and making a 'check-this-out' gesture toward Wormtongue with his thumb.  "Give me the message, and shut up!  This is a dressing gown, not a frock!  I am not a woman!"
 
"Thank Eru for that!" said Elladan.
 
"Well?  Where is the message?"  Grima demanded impatiently.  His hair was getting all frizzy standing in the sun and wind, and his prescription conditioner said to leave on for no longer than 10 minutes.  "Come on," he urged as Elladan searched his tunic pockets fruitlessly, "I need to rinse!  Hurry!"
 
Elladan ran back to his horse and riffled his saddlebags, then his brother's saddle bags, then indeed his brother, but did not find the message in any of those places.  Finally he located it pressed in the pages of Elrohir's stolen script, marking his place at "A Shortcut To Mushrooms".  He dashed back up the long stairs and presented the squashed parchment to the irritated and impatient Wormtongue.

Grima snatched it out of Elladan's hand and slammed the door, catching his housecoat train in the hinge unnoticed.  He broke the seal and read the message.  He was staring openmouthed at the paper when the doorbell rang again, and he nearly jumped out of his skin in surprise.
 
He wrenched the door open again, and Elladan was standing there, grinning.  "What, no tip for the delivery?"
 
The door slammed shut with a *BOOM* that caused all the crows roosting in the few remaining trees to take flight in noisy complaint.
 
He read the message again, wondering how on Arda Saurman was gonna get out of this one, when he heard movement inside the tower.  He moved quickly, trying to hide, and heard a *r-r-r-r-r-riiiiPPP!!*  
 
This was just not his Age!