The Fellowship in the Big Brother House: Week 8

by Meriadoc

The Fellowship in the Big Brother House
The 8th and Final Week


Monday: It is the start of week eight, the final week, here in the Big Brother House and there are now only two housemates remaining. So far, you’ve voted off Gandalf, Sam, Gimli, Frodo, Aragorn, Legolas and Merry and only Boromir and Pippin remain.
But who will be left standing at the end of this week? Who will claim the crown of ‘Big Brother Winner’ and walk away with the $1,000,000 prize money? Only one can. And you will decide. But here in the house, the dust has only just settled from Merry’s departure (and from Boromir’s spring clean last night) and the whole place seems very quiet and empty. Boromir is up first this morning, feeding the chickens in the garden.

Boromir: Alright this morning, Chief? And you, Ace? How are you today, Thunder, feeling any better?

Pippin (arriving, stretching and yawning from the house): Who are you talking to?

Boromir: Oh, didn’t see you there. The chickens, actually.

Pippin: Really? And they like that, do they?

Boromir: They seem to.

Pippin: They’re chickens. How do they convey emotion?

Boromir: Well, just look at ‘em. They’re all striding around, nodding their heads.

Pippin: And that differs from how they behave normally how exactly?

Boromir: Look at ‘em. You can tell their smiling.

Pippin: Oh yes. Ecstatic, I’d say.

Boromir: I’m serious! That one’s smiling there, look!

Pippin: Oh. Well that puts me to shame.

(The two housemates are talking over breakfast, as anyone does when their talking and eating breakfast, because the breakfast is below their mouths and by physical practicalities, it would be impossible therefore not to talk over their breakfast. Except maybe for people who eat their breakfast upside down, but we won’t even go there. And this morning, the long awaited winner of the ‘BB Airmail competition was dropped into the back garden of the house, where it unfortunately knocked out a rare species of rabbit. The local vet was able to revive, but, sadly, it’ll never speak again.)

Pippin: Look at this!

Boromir: What is it?

Pippin: It’s a nearly dead rabbit, I think, but look at this as well! It’s a message and a poem for me from one of my fans!

Boromir: Oo – read it, read it!

Pippin: Okay – ‘Dear Pippin, You are my favorite character because you have such a great sense of humor, even when you don't mean to, and you never let things really upset you. I would like to be like you, but smarter, when I grow up. - Primula

Boromir: Aah, that’s nice.

Pippin: It is, isn’t it?

Boromir: Read the poem!

Pippin: Here goes.
 ‘I think that I shall never see
 A Pippin smarter than a tree,
 for apple trees, wiser than all,
 will simply let their pippins fall.
 And so I hope the best for you,
 but let you jump into the blue,
 for you have worth but also cost,
 and you are always full of sauce. – Primula.’

Boromir: The words ‘work of art’ spring to mind.

Pippin: Mmm. Bless. So do the words ‘breakfast’ ‘me’ and ‘eat’. I’m starving.

(A few minutes later, the housemates are digging into their cereals).

Boromir: So – the last week, eh?

Pippin: I know. I can’t believe it’s arrived at last.

Boromir: Mmm. Course, I don’t mind who wins.

Pippin: Oh, of course, me neither.

Boromir: I mean, if I won, I’d probably care about it so little that I’d hand the victory to you.

Pippin: Oh yeah, yeah…me too. It doesn’t mean anything, does it?

Boromir: Of course it doesn’t. We’re all winners, aren’t we?

Pippin: Absolutely. We’re all winners.

(There is a long pause between the diners.)

Boromir: However…

Pippin: I’m listening.

Boromir: If, by some huge stroke of luck I actually won, then I’d probably owe it to the viewers to accept the victory, and the $1,000,000 prize money graciously.

Pippin: Oh yeah, me too. Well, you’d have to, wouldn’t you?

Boromir: You’d have to.

Pippin: It’d be like…civic duty, or something, wouldn’t it?

Boromir: That’s what it would be, that’s exactly what it would be!

(Another long pause.)

Pippin: I’d love to win it.

Boromir: Me too.

Tuesday: As the housemates have this morning just passed the 50 day mark in the Big Brother house, BB thought it fitting to give them some sort of prize for making it this far. So into the house went ‘A State-of-the-Art Video Games Console’ and two controllers. Of course, if BB could have foreseen the damage that this little black box would create, it would never have included those two bottles of South-Farthing Beer…

Pippin: Wow! Look at this! It’s ‘A State-of-the-Art Video Games Console’!

Boromir: Wo! That’s incredible! I’ve never seen a Video Games Console that was so…

Pippin: State-of-the-Art?

Boromir: Exactly! I remember I used to have an old one of these back in Gondor. ZX Denethor, it was called.

Pippin: It was named after your Dad?

Boromir: Well, he invented it. It was a great old thing. Of course, they kept having to make new ones.

Pippin: Why’s that?

Boromir: Well, every time you tried to play it, it started going crazy and set itself on fire.

Pippin: And look at this! South-Farthing Beer!

Boromir: Is that good?

Pippin: It’s excellent! This stuff’ll get you tipsy at thirty paces – and it’s a 1497. That’s a good year!

(A little while later, when the State-of-the-Art Video Games Console has been installed, the two housemates settle down to enjoy a nice game of ‘SoccerStar 3000’, a game which, if you believe the back of the box, will ‘Get You Closer to The Action than Any Other Soccer Game Out There – You Can almost Smell the Diseased Meat Pies in The Stands!’)

Boromir: Ah, this is nice, isn’t it?

Pippin: It’s great! A nice reward for over 50 days in the house. Here’s to you, my friend.

Boromir: To you!

(They clink beer bottles).

Pippin: Now then, which one am I?

Boromir: You’re the blue ones.

Pippin: Oops, we’re kicking off. Which way am I going?

Boromir: Left, I think. Ooh – good shot, just over.

Pippin: Was it? I was trying to pass.

(The two laugh heartily. Five minutes later…)

Pippin: GET IT IN THE STUPID, STINKIN’ NET YOU IMBECILIC PIXEL!

Boromir: STOP SHOUTING YOU IDIOT!

Pippin: I’LL STOP SHOUTING WHEN THIS IDIOTIC GAME DOES WHAT I TELL IT TO DO, SO DON’T YOU START GETTING ON MY CASE!

Boromir: OH, HERE WE GO, START YELLING AT ME!

Pippin: PASS THE BALL YOU MORONIC LITTLE MAN!

Boromir: WILL YOU SHUT UP! YELLING WON’T DO ANY GOOD!

Pippin: THEN WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

Boromir: BECAUSE YOU’RE YELLING AT ME!

Pippin: OH YEAH?

Boromir: YEAH!

Pippin: Oh yeah?

Boromir: YEAH! Oops.

(The two start brawling, beer gets spilt on the State-of-the-Art Video Games Console, which starts to sizzle and steam. The two finally stop fighting and look at the mini fire which now surrounds the State-of-the-Art Video Games Console.)

Boromir: Would you look at that? It’s like the ZX Denethor all over again.

Pippin: I’m sorry mate.

Boromir: Me too.

Pippin: Let’s never fight again, agreed?

Boromir: Agreed.

Pippin: Shall we get the fire extinguisher now?

Boromir: I think we’d better.

Wednesday: As the smouldering wreck of the State-of-the-Art Video Games Console emitted it’s last puff of acrid smoke, the sun rose on what looked like being the hottest day of the year in the Big Brother House. Indeed, it was so hot that the two housemates had their breakfasts outside, where the milk curdled and created the world’s first Rice Krispie Cheese.

Boromir: I can’t remember a day as hot as this.

Pippin: Can’t you? I can.

Boromir: When?

Pippin: I can’t remember when it was exactly, but I remember I was living in a small house in the East Farthing at the time.

Boromir: Didn’t it have any windows?

Pippin: No – it caught fire.

Boromir: Really?

Pippin: Yep – took the Hobbit fireman two hours to put that blaze out. And that’s no mean feat. They don’t have have any hosepipe so they just spit in the house’s general direction.

Boromir: Yes, but I meant a hot day outside-

Pippin: That was definitely the hottest day I’ve ever known. It was scorching inside that house.

Boromir: I meant-

Pippin: Literally – look, you can still see the scorch marks if I take my trousers down-

Boromir: I believe you, I believe you! Fancy a swim, cool off a bit?

Pippin: Go on then.

(A little while later, the two are doing lengths in the swimming pool).

Boromir: Fancy a race?

Pippin: Alright then. What stroke?

Boromir: No stroking, just swimming.

Pippin: What kind of swimming stroke?

Boromir: Oh, I see. Front crawl.

Pippin: Aright then. 3…2…1…GO!

(The two kick off from the side of the pool and start splashing towards the other end. But Pippin has made it before Boromir has even got halfway.)

Boromir: How did you do that?

Pippin: What?

Boromir: Swim that fast!

Pippin: Oh – these Hobbit feet do the trick. They’re like…hairy flippers.

Boromir: That’s cheating, that is!

Pippin: How can it be? I was born with these feet!

Boromir: Well I was born with an engine on my backside but I can’t just go around using that willy-nilly in swimming races.

Pippin: You were born with what?

Boromir: It was a very complicated birth.

Pippin: It must have been. How did your Mum cope during pregnancy?

Boromir: Oh, she was fine.

Pippin: Really?

Boromir: Yeah – I mean she had to drink oil morning and night to keep me smooth, that sort of thing.

Pippin: Really?

Boromir: Yeah – the joys of motherhood, eh? I bet your Mum had some stories to tell, eh?

Pippin: I don’t know about that. The only remarkable thing about my birth was that my Dad fainted. Twice.

Boromir: Overcome with emotion, eh?

Pippin: No. My Mum’s tight grip was cutting off the blood circulation to his brain.

Boromir: Oh.

Thursday: After the heat of yesterday, the rain pours outside Big Brother House this Thursday morning. And with that in mind, the last ever Big Brother Challenge will be set indoors.

Pippin: Have you seen this week’s challenge?

Boromir: No. Where’s the instructions?

Pippin: On the side there.

Boromir: ‘The final challenge involves getting green fingered’. Well that’s easy.

Pippin: Oh?

Boromir: Yeah – just stick your hands in that mouldy trifle in the fridge, that’ll fix you up no problem.

Pippin: Keep reading, Boro.

Boromir: ‘You will have to design a garden using the equipment we have provided. You must be aware of style, metaphorical meaning and ambience.’ Well, that sounds exciting.

Pippin: Does it? I’d have chosen a word like ‘dull’.

Boromir: No, this is great.

Pippin: Or ‘boring’. Or something like ‘mind-gratingly tedious’. Maybe even-

Boromir: I get the idea, Pip. But honestly, this could be a lot of fun.

Pippin: Ok then. You wake me up when it gets to that stage.

(A few hours later, the housemates are busy beavering away at their gardens, hidden from each other by a temporary screen partition. There are many exasperated noises coming from Pippin’s side, which Boromir interprets as ‘artistic frustration’, but which is actually ‘incompetence in gardening gloves’. By the time of the reveal, the housemates have used forty stones, 5 square metres of turf and sixty varieties of plant. Well, Boromir has, anyway.)

Boromir: Ta-da! Well, what do you think?

Pippin: Wow! It’s incredible!

Boromir: It is, isn’t it? I mean, modesty forbids, but…well it is great, isn’t it?

Pippin: Is that a real…

Boromir: Wishing well? Yes. I’m afraid I went a little over the top on the Chinese architectural inspiration, but, if a job’s worth doing, as they say…

Pippin: And that thing in the middle, what that little boy’s doing into that bird bath…

Boromir: It’s a classic pose, Pippin. And that is real water. I’ve called it ‘Rhapsody in Green’. I wanted to capture the zeitgeist of 20th century living whilst not turning my inspirational back on the work of our elders. I think the unique blend of East and West mixes like an oil painting and blurs the lines between modern and classic design. Let’s have a look at yours, then.

(Pippin pulls back his screen.)

Boromir: Oh.

Pippin: I call it ‘Minimalist…’ just ‘Minimalist’, actually.

Boromir: Mmm. I get the sense of that. It’s very…nice.

Pippin: Mmm. I feel I’ve captured the…

Boromir: Zeitgeist?

Pippin: The zeitgeist of the…urban lifestyle.

Boromir: I thought urban lifestyle was busy.

Pippin: Exactly! Exactly, so I’ve done the reverse of the urban lifestyle in order to incorporate the design of William…J…shsnepheneffen….and breaking new boundaries in the field of…fields.

Boromir: Right, right. And that partially dug hole in the turf?

Pippin: That represents…the family! Which is always left out in the busy urban lifestyle of today. You’ve got a keen eye, I’m glad you spotted that.

Boromir: And the fact that there’s nothing else?

Pippin: That represents…the blur…that is left by such a busy lifestyle. When you’re going so fast, you can’t see anything that’s going on around you. Hence, there is nothing else.

Boromir: Right, right…excellent.

Pippin: Mmm.

Friday: And so we’ve arrived at the very last day here in the Big Brother House. Very soon, one more contestant will leave and the overall winner of The Fellowship in the Big Brother House will be crowned and handed a cheque for $1,000,000. Last night, Big Brother declared that Boromir won the final Big Brother Challenge. The winner was voted on by a select panel of horticultural experts and was a landslide victory for Boromir. One member of the panel even commented ‘And a different kind of landslide would have been good for Pippin’s garden, as it would have made it slightly more interesting to look at.’ And so Boromir will today receive his prize: a huge Knickerbocker glory, which he kindly shared with Pippin as desert with their last meal in the house.

Boromir: This is nice, isn’t it?

Pippin: Heaven in a ludicrously tall glass. A perfect end to a perfect 8 weeks.

Boromir: So this really is it, eh? The last day – the last meal.

Pippin: I know. It’s incredible to think that we’ve been in here for 8 weeks.

Boromir: It is hard to believe.

Pippin: It is. In fact, I don’t believe it.

Boromir: No, we have been in here for 8 weeks.

Pippin: You’re probably right.

Boromir: So, the last few exchanges of conversation, eh?

Pippin: Yeah. I wonder who’ll get the last word.

Boromir: I don’t mind. I’d quite like you to have it.

Pippin: What? And deny the last son of Gondor the last immortal words in the Big Brother house? I think not.

Boromir: Very gracious of you.

Pippin: Your welcome.

Boromir: So very gracious.

Pippin: Think nothing of it.

Boromir: I mean, to give me the last word…

Pippin:…Don’t mention it.

Boromir: I won’t.

Pippin: Good.

Boromir: Fine.

Pippin: Excellent.

Boromir and Pippin: Great.

So that’s the end of The Fellowship in the Big Brother House. We hope you’ve enjoyed the thrills and spills we’ve witnessed. Over eight weeks, 56 days and 1344 hours, we’ve brought you arguments, fights, sporting events, a shooting, a pantomime, a concert, works of art, two…er…one great garden and a whole lot of laughs. But now, the time has come for you to use your democratic power in the last, but most critical vote of this Big Brother. You now have to decide who wins. Will it be Boromir? Or will it be Pippin?

Post the name of who you want to *win* Big Brother, not who you want to evict, if you haven't already voted.
So, if you’re ready to take on the responsibility of the Fellowship in the Big Brother House, click that mouse and poise your fingers over that keyboard. Because for the last time, the fate of the housemates is in your hands…