At the beginning of Week 4 here in the Big Brother House, the fellowship now seem unsure about their standings with each other. Gandalf and Sam, good friends of Frodo, have now left the (ex) ringbearer by himself and now that Gimli has taken the final walk, Boromir has also been left by himself. Merry and Pippin are still at loggerheads with Aragorn and Legolas, after they both accused each other of stealing. So what does Week 4 have in store? Let's find out.
Monday: Today the housemates are reacting to the departure of Gimli the dwarf. Merry and Pippin are recalling the time they found him running around the garden. Legolas and Aragorn are lamenting his loss (or rather that of the shampoo that they'd let Gimli borrow and had never seen again) and Frodo is drinking coffee. Incessantly.
Merry: You know, I remember when Gimli stole our mushrooms. Oh no, wait a minute, that was ARAGORN, wasn't it? What a mistake to make, oh deary me.
Pippin: That was a silly mistake to make.
Merry: I'm doing it on purpose you fool! Trying to spice things up a bit.
Pippin: But you just said-
Merry: That was sarcasm! Don't you know what sarcasm is?
Pippin: A particularly rare type of fish?
Merry: You really are that stupid, aren't you?
Pippin: I really am.
Legolas and Aragorn are now sunning themselves out in the garden and have heard Merry's outburst but are choosing to ignore it.
Aragorn: Just let it pass. Rising to a bully never helped anyone.
Legolas: It's just not fair, that's all. It was Frodo who told us that we could eat those mushrooms.
Aragorn: I know. But sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will never hurt us.
Legolas: What about words like 'unkempt'.
Aragorn: Don't, Legolas.
Legolas: Or how about 'dandruff'.
Aragorn: Now really! That was not called for!
Aragorn storms into the house and throws his tin foil card that he used to sunbathe at Legolas, but as it is only thin, it just falls to the ground before it reaches the elf.
Merry: Oh yeah?
Merry: Oh yeah?
Merry: Well then, come on big guy, show us what you've got!
Merry and Pippin's arguments have escalated and Pippin has just insulted Merry's Mother, calling her an appalling cook, which in fairness she was. People from miles around suddenly remembered they had to be in the North Farthing when she sent out dinner invitations. Merry takes a swing at Pippin, who ducks beneath his fist, which actually connects with the underside of Aragorn's chin, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He is laid out flat and takes a few minutes to regain consciousness.
Tuesday: After a very tense and disruptive Monday, the house is now reeling. Pippin has sided with Aragorn over the whole 'punching' incident because the two hobbits had just fallen out. So Merry has made friends with Legolas, the mushroom affair apparently forgotten. And the two new alliances are not talking with the other. Frodo is sitting in the kitchen, sipping his coffee, his hands shaking.
Boromir: What's the matter Frodo?
Frodo: What why do you want to know what do you care with your broad shoulders and big chin Bilbo had broad shoulders you know only that was because he used to wear padding and that came in real useful when we had the Shire Superbowl in 1457-
Boromir: Calm down Frodo. Give me the mug, you've had too much caffeine.
Frodo: Oh I see, not content with taking my ring you now want to take my coffee as well?
Boromir: How do you know about the ring?
Frodo: Please who else would have taken it well maybe Legolas but only as a fashion accessory-
Boromir: What are you going to do? Frodo: Nothing.
Boromir: How do you mean?
Frodo: You haven't got the ring.
Boromir: How do you know that?
Frodo: Gimli told me before he left. It was in the cake.
Boromir: Gimli! That little-
Frodo: Now it's you who should calm down you big oaf. Who has it?
Boromir: I don't know!
Frodo: I doubt that very much, Boromir.
Boromir: I don't!
Frodo: We'll see. I'm going to go and inspect the toilets.
Boromir: What? Why?
Frodo: If someone ate the cake, it's going to come out sooner or later.
Merry and Legolas are eating breakfast together in the kitchen.
Merry: You know, people used to think I was named after a fish ˆ The Merry Haddock.
Legolas: Really? People say I got my name from a time when I was playing with some toys with my friends when I was a kid. Someone stole the car that I'd built and so people started calling me Lego-less. It stuck, apparently.
Merry: You know where I think Aragorn's name comes from?
Aragorn (who is in the living room): Oh how amazing funny you are.
Merry: Funnier than...your mum!
Aragorn: Quite possibly. My Mother invented nuclear physics and won the Nobel peace prize a record four times, prompting her to be voted as the Head of Overseas Ambassador. She wasn't a comic person.
(There is a long silence, in which Merry's smile starts to dwindle.) Merry: So you were saying, about Lego.
(Pippin and Aragorn are meanwhile playing dominoes on the living room table)
Aragorn: And that's how you get these faint curls in the ends of your hair.
Pippin: Really? How fascinating. (He looks over longingly to Merry, but when the latter notices, Pippin mouths the word 'Idiot'.)
Aragorn: Of course, if you really want them to notice you, get all glammed up and go down the Fellowship board on a Friday night. They go mad for a bit of beefcake.
Pippin: Really? What about shortbread?
(Frodo storms into the room and kicks over the nearest chair, which doesn't break as it falls as Frodo had hoped, so he kicks it some more until it does.)
Merry: What are you doing?
Frodo: Oh shut it, short stuff. Who has my ring?
Pippin: What do you mean?
Frodo: Someone, i.e. one of you dirty lot, has my magic ring!
Legolas: That's ridiculous! Who would want to steal your ring?
Frodo: I didn't say 'steal', pretty boy. But someone must know where it is.
Aragorn: I haven't seen it.
Frodo: I bet you haven't. I'm surprised you can see anything past the brightness of your skin.
Pippin: For my part, I am blissfully and humorously ignorant of your journey with the ring, as is immortalised by my words 'Right. Where are we going, then?'
(Everyone looks slowly round at Pippin).
Pippin: What? It's in the script!
Merry: You're supposed to say *Spoiler*, you imbecile.
Pippin mumbles under his breath.
Merry: What was that? I didn't see a (nt) anywhere in your speech!
Frodo: Oh, shut up short stuff! If anyone sees my ring, or if anyone...passes it, you must tell me!
Aragorn: Passes it?
Wednesday: Today is the day that the housemates receive their weekly shopping. But amongst all the groceries and hair products is a small white dog, with a tag around his neck that says 'Name Me'.
Legolas: What's he doing here?
Merry: I haven't the foggiest.
Aragorn: I bet that's something people are used to hearing you say. Where's my shampoo?
Merry: You know where you can shove your shampoo-
Legolas: Can we think about this dog for a minute, please?
Pippin: Go on then. And then we'll think about this other dog!
Aragorn: Good one.
Boromir: What is that? (Boromir enters the room and sees the white dog.)
Legolas: I think it's a small white dog, but I can't be sure.
Boromir: I mean, what's it doing here?
Merry: At the moment it looks like it's going to the toilet.
Legolas: Look, there's a tag here. It says 'Name Me'.
Aragorn: Maybe it's part of a challenge or something.
Frodo (entering): Or maybe it's just some stupid, dumb dog trying to get famous. Look, there's a real problem here with my ring; we haven't got time to mess around with dogs!
Legolas: Your ring has to be around here some where, it can't have got out of the house.
Boromir: He's right. We can all have a look for it if you like.
Frodo: No thankyou. Knowing you lot one of you will steal it! I'm going to my room!
Merry: Ooh, get him.
Boromir: He's really getting on my nerves.
Pippin: Mine too.
Aragorn: He's getting on my wick.
(Everyone looks slowly round at him.)
Aragorn: It means 'nerves'.
Legolas: Come on then, what're we going to call this dog?
Aragorn: How about Smelly?
Aragorn: Well he is.
Legolas: If everyone in this world got called what they were, you wouldn't be Aragorn. You'd be 'Shampoo Loving...P. Vain...'
Pippin: Really, well you'd be called-
Merry: Can we just name the darn dog?
Pippin: How about Bill the Pony?
Merry: Bill the Pony? But he's a dog!
Pippin: It's as good a name as any.
Aragorn: That's true.
Legolas: So let me get this straight. We're going to call a dog, who is a dog, by the way, Bill the Pony, which would refer to a pony, surprisingly.
Legolas: Alright then.
Thursday: Today is the day of the housemate's challenge and they have received the information this morning. They have to teach Bill the Pony, who is a dog, by the way, 8 new tricks by this evening.
Legolas: That's what it says here.
Boromir: But that's ridiculous!
Aragorn: Tell me about it.
Boromir: Well it's ridiculous because eight new tricks is a lot of new tricks and tricks are very hard to teach a dog, especially old ones-
Aragorn: I didn't mean 'tell' me about it. I know.
Merry: Hadn't we better get started then?
Legolas: I suppose we ought.
(Legolas puts the dog on the floor and they all watch him).
Merry: What do we do now?
Aragorn: Wait, I suppose.
(The dog starts to lick its hind quarters).
Pippin: Is that a trick?
Legolas: I don't think so.
Merry: It looks like a pretty amazing feat from where I'm standing.
Boromir: We're suppose to teach it to roll over and stuff like that.
Pippin: Really? Shall I push him, or shall we take it in turns?
(The dog barks fiercely at Pippin.)
Pippin: Take that as a no, then.
Aragorn: Come on, little one, roll over.
Merry: Are you talking to me or the dog?
Aragorn: Come on, that's it.
(The dog rolls over.)
Legolas: Is that a trick, then?
Pippin: I think it must be.
Merry: I thought the licking bit was more impressive, meself.
Boromir: Right ˆ 7 more to go!
Frodo is sitting in his room, mumbling to himself.
Frodo: Miserable Fellowship. Miserable, stinking Big Brother. Miserable, stinking, horrible ring. Miserable, stinking, horrible, flea-bitten dog. I'll show 'em. I'll show 'em all.
It is now Thursday evening and the housemates have just performed Bill the Pony's tricks to Big Brother and, with a little controversy on the last one, Big Brother accepted that they'd completed the challenge. The tricks were, in order of performance: Rolling Over, Barking On Command, Wagging Tail, Sitting, Singing (in which Bill the Pony had given a stirring, if a little 'barkish' rendition of 'My Heart Will Go On'), Jumping Through Hoops, Crawling and (this was the one with the controversy) Licking Hind Quarters. Big Brother eventually accepted the last one, mainly because it was, at least, his own hind quarters that he was licking. The prize for completing the challenge was that they a) got to keep the dog in the house and b) they got a mountain of Losealot Dog Food, half of which went missing in the middle of the night and which Merry insisted he knew nothing about.
Friday: Today is the last day of week 4 in the Big Brother house and is fairly relaxing until the very end. In the morning, Merry and Legolas discuss their chances of winning.
Legolas: I just wonder how I'm viewed outside the house.
Merry: I know, it's hard to gauge. It's like...living in a...dog kennel.
Legolas: A goldfish bowl.
Merry: That's the one. Although I'd rather live in a dog kennel, meself.
Legolas: Probably. But I don't think it's an obligation.
Merry: What would you do if you won?
Legolas: I'd probably spend the money on my family, hair and facial products and...share some with you, if you stick by me.
Legolas: Oh yes, you've been a good friend recently.
Merry: Excellent. Will you give me enough say...to buy dog food...on the off chance?
Legolas: Oh yes.
It is Friday evening here in the house, and the housemates are scattered all over the house, doing their own thing. Friday tends to be a reflective and relaxing time in the house, as it is the eve of eviction night, and so most of the housemates are in their rooms. Suddenly, there is a loud gunshot and a scream goes up. People run out of their rooms or where ever they have been and follow the cries for help. Tracking them to Frodo's room, they find the Hobbit on the floor, holding his leg in agony. He has been shot. And out in the kitchen, under a cupboard where it rolled while Boromir was making the cake, the ring sits undisturbed. That is until Bill the Pony, who is, by the way, a dog, sniffs it out and eats it.
WHO SHOT FRODO?
Due to the unprecedented events of Friday here in the Big Brother House, voting for eviction has been postponed for a few days. However, Big Brother would like to know who you the viewer thinks shot Frodo. The Hobbit himself, we have been told by the visiting ambulance men, is in a critical condition, but should live. However, he is unlikely to regain consciousness for a few days. Make your opinions and votes as normal below this post, but not before reading the case notes below.
MOTIVE: Who had the motive to shoot Frodo?
Suspect No. 1 - Boromir: Boromir had had strong words with the Hobbit prior to the shooting, mainly concerned with the ring. Frodo was extremely angry at having his ring stolen and he really let Boromir know. Another reason to add to being affronted by a person smaller than certain rose bushes is that maybe Boromir saw Frodo as a threat. After all, they are the only two who really care about the whereabouts of the ring.
OPPORTUNITY? Boromir was supposedly in his room at the time of the attack, which is opposite Frodo's room. He was first on the scene.
Suspect No. 2 - Aragorn: Not only did Aragorn remark 'He's getting on my wick' after Frodo's outburst about the missing ring, he was also criticised by Frodo for his vanity. Frodo snapped 'I'm surprised you can see anything past the brightness of your skin'. Aragorn is a very proud man and would not like to be spoken to like this. He takes his popularity amongst peers very seriously and to be lambasted like this in front of his fellow housemates would be highly embarrassing. Had Frodo crossed a line?
OPPORTUNITY? Aragorn says he was reading a men's health magazine in the living room, but the magazine was never found.
Suspect No. 3 - Merry: Since the early days in the Big Brother house, Merry has disliked Frodo. After Sam was evicted, Merry and Pippin were the best of friends and that only left Frodo as the other Hobbit in the house. Did Meriadoc sense that Frodo would take away from his and Pippin's novelty factor of being the only Hobbits in the house? And in the midst of the argument over the ring, Frodo told Merry to 'Shut up short stuff'. Was that the last straw for Merry?
OPPORTUNITY? Meriadoc says he was in the toilet at the time of the attack, which is next door to Frodo's room. Frodo has a side door into the toilet.
Suspect No. 4 - Legolas: Legolas has not had many dealings with the ex-ringbearer in the house to date, but the elf tends to make opinions of people from afar and in Frodo's case he made no exceptions. He thought the Hobbit was arrogant, rudely outspoken and rather untrustworthy. Frodo also insulted the elf on many occasions, calling him a 'Pretty boy'. Could this have made Legolas take revenge?
OPPORTUNITY? The elf said he was washing his hair when Frodo was shot. However, others have said that his hair was not wet when he entered Frodo's room.
Suspect No. 5 - Pippin: Pippin, our last suspect, would probably be last on most people's lists to do such a thing, but then he has been acting very oddly. The quip about knowing nothing about the ring could just have been a humorous gag but could it also have been something deeper? Was Pippin distancing himself from Frodo and the matter of the ring? He also said that the Hobbit was getting on his nerves. Could that have been an understatement?
OPPORTUNITY? Pippin says he was in his room the whole time and was the last to arrive in Frodo's room. Does this prove his guilt or his innocence?
Eviction votes will return in a few days time, but first -
WHO SHOT FRODO? Have your say now.
A Big Brother WHO SHOT FRODO Special - An Inspector Calls...
All the housemates are sat nervously in the living room, biting finger nails, reading magazines or just sitting. They are waiting anxiously for news of Frodo, who has been taken to a nearby hospital and for the arrival of an inspector who has apparently figured the whole thing out.
Big Brother: Attention housemates - Frodo has regained consciousness and is now stable.
(Big cheers come up from the living room, where the relief is obvious.)
Big Brother: Inspector Morose will be arriving shortly.
Pippin: Oh, I'm so glad he's all right.
Aragorn: Me too.
Legolas: Me three.
Pippin: You can't three something.
Legolas: Yes you can.
Pippin: No you can't - the very sentence doesn't make sense. 'Me three'. You three what?
Merry: Of course you can third something, Pippin you fool!
Pippin: You can third something but you can't-
(There is an ominous knock on the door. All thehousemates are stunned into silence. An inspector who can instill an ominous feeling into a door knock must be one tricky customer).
Merry: I'll get it.
(On opening the door, a large man who wears a green hat and a brown jacket walks into the Big Brother house.)
Inspecter Morose: Nice place you've got here.
Merry (falters): We like it.
(Morose steps into the living room area and sets down a hefty briefcase on the table. Everyone shudders.)
Morose: Now then. Let's get this over with. I'm here to reveal who shot Frodo. Merry, let's start with you.
Morose: Yes, you. You said you were in the toilet at the time of the incident and my talks with the rest of your housemates have confirmed this. But that toilet has a side door that leads into Frodo's room, does it not?
Merry: It does. Frodo has a particularly weak bladder-
Morose: I don't think we need to hear the details. The point is you could have easily crept into Frodo's room without him knowing, is that not true?
Merry: That's rubbish!
Morose: No, it's absolutely true. What is rubbish, however, is any notion that you, Meriadoc, would be capable of shooting Frodo. Aragorn?
Aragorn: Yes? You can't possibly think it's me.
Morose: I could possibly think that. Because whilst you said you were here in this very living room reading, you weren't, were you?
Aragorn: Of course I was, that's what I said-
Morose: That's what you said, Mr...Aragorn, but with the greatest respect, you were lying, weren't you?
Aragorn: How dare you-
Morose: WEREN'T YOU?
Aragorn: Yes, fine, yes I was. Are you happy?
Morose: No, not entirely, because I still haven't found the culprit. Because you, Aragorn, weren't here at all, were you? You were in the bathroom, weren't you, applying facial cream?
Aragorn: Yes, I was. I said I was reading in here because I didn't want anyone knowing I was being vain, not after what people were saying about me.
Morose: So - Legolas. You were in the shower, were you?
Morose: Because, you see, it's just that others have said that when you entered Frodo's room, your hair was not wet.
Legolas: And that means I'm lying?
Morose: No it doesn't, Legolas, it means your an elf. Elven hair drys exceptionally quickly. So - Pippin. You were the last to arrive in Frodo's room.
Morose: Were you trying to distance yourself from Frodo?
Pippin: No - my room is just furthest away!
Morose: Exactly. And so that leaves you, Boromir. You were the first on the scene. I wonder why that was.
Boromir: Because my room is closest to Frodo's.
Morose: Really? So you didn't just happen to...be around.
Boromir: No of course not.
Morose: No. Because you were busy thinking about something else, weren't you, not Frodo. You were thinking about a little, golden ring. And that brings me to my last suspect. Bill the Pony, who is actually a dog.
(The little white dog runs into the room on cue, like Eddie from Frasier).
Morose: Bill the Pony, who ate the ring.
(There are gasps from all over the room.)
Morose: We had him x-rayed. Could it be that this innocent little dog would shoot Frodo, and then steal his ring?
Aragorn: Don't be stupid man. He's a dog!
Morose: Of course he is. So it wasn't him.
Legolas: So who was it then?
Morose: I'll tell you. It was- What am I thinking? I haven't told you what the public thought yet.
Merry: What did they think?
Morose: Well - they thought it was either Boromir...or Bill the Pony. It was Boromir. Lightpoet Hwanohtar said:It was Boromir. Either him, or Bill the Pony. Rosie said: I'll have to say boromir, he's had it out for frodo from he beginning. But Mithrandril thought: the dog did it. Now the question is--who taught him how to use a gun? And special mention has to go to Tuilelindowen for this remarkable conspiracy theory: To me it is OBVIOUS who the perp is. There are clues ALL OVER THE PLACE... ... Wizardry is afoot here. The dog. 'Bill the Pony' is no ordinary dog. He has been sent into the house by Saurman to get the ring! Discouraged by the ineffectiveness of his Uruk-hai, Saruman has finally learned the lesson of the Trojan Horse. He got the little pooch (perhaps Wormtongue transmorgafied) into Big Brother's hands, who unknowingly (we assume) then sent the pooch into the house. Tricks, my paws! You want a trick, I'll show you a TRICK!! Sniffing out a pre-planted gun, Bill then proceeded to pick it up between his teeth and trot it into Frodo's room where he took it under a chair, got it propped up over the little rung between two of the chair legs, and then got the trigger ready, pointing slightly upward. Frodo enters, and POW!! No higher than Frodo's leg, remember. Big clue. In the ensuing mayhem, Bill is able to scramble out to the kitchen where he has pre-sniffed out the ring. He proceeds to gobble it up unnoticed while everyone is going frantic in Frodo's room. Also, this is Trick #9. Nine is the magic number. Nine looms large in this legend. Everything happens with the number NINE!! Our housemembers should have been suspicious that there were only "8" tricks involved, leaving one trick undone. Follow the dog!!! So Boromir and Bill got the most votes,with6 votes each, with Aragorn getting 4, Merry, Pippin and Legolas getting 2, Sam making a dramatic re-entry with one vote and...Frodo himself got 4 votes.
Pippin: Frodo? But how could he...
Morose: Quite easily. And he did. You see, Frodo hatched a plan, a very clever plan and you've all been taken in by it. Frodo shot himself in the leg.
Legolas: But why? It doesn't make any sense!
Morose: Oh, it makes perfect sense. You see, Frodo knew that he'd been really nasty this week and knew that he'd been evicted on Friday. So, to prevent himself from being so, he shot himself to create an enemy, who would be one of you lot. No one would ever suspect he'd do such a thing to himself, so obviously someone else would be evicted and not him.
Aragorn: But that's crazy!
Morose: Is it? Actually it's quite a stroke of genius. And it nearly worked. But not one crime has got passed me yet. And neither did it get past deliz, Lindorie, lilywillow, Pippin's Sunshine or Niphrandl, who all suspected that it was Frodo. Now, Big Brother has asked me to tell you that eviction voting will begin in a couple of days. And I hope that the public will be lenient on Frodo. He has had a hard of couple of days, coping with the loss of the ring. And after all, that ring can make people do strange things.
(He looks hard at Bill the Pony).
Morose: I must be on my way. I'll see you again some time.
(Morose gets up and leaves. Everyone looks slowly around Bill the Pony.)
Week 4 Eviction Night!
As some young upstart begins something called 'Big Brother 3', the original real McCoy continues. Let's see what the voting public had to say this week.
Elethril went with Frodo, saying: He's seeking attention in the worst way possible: pity. My cruel (joke mom!) and silly mother would not let me on the computer until she went out because she knew I was voting Frodo off!
Sindar agreed, saying: Casting a mercy vote for Frodo. He needs some Bag End R&R.
But Primrose went with Aragorn: Aragorn's so annoying, worrying about his hair all the time. Out with the vain one!
And Cadsuane was going with Merry: I think the next evictee should be Merry. My reasoning? He was particularly horrid to Pippin, and still hasn't said sorry, and I think he has some peculiar designs on Bill the Pony. As well as that, he is fickle - making friends with Legolas at the drop of a hat, and has shown violent tendencies (the strain is geting to him). Anyway it is about time that Pippin was forced to stand on his own two feet. If Merry goes, he will be on his own.
Only Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, Merry, Pippin and Frodo are left, but another one's about to bite the dust. Ladies and gentlemen, it's eviction time.
Big Brother: Fellowship, can you hear me?
(All the housemates are sitting in the living room with fingers crossed. Frodo is also there, in a wheelchair, having returned to the house yesterday. The atmosphere has been tense after the other housemates found out what had really happened to him.)
Big Brother: Ok. This week, the voting has been the closest and most exciting yet. In fact, only one vote seperated the evictee from the next housemate. And that evictee, the 4th housemate from the fellowship to the leave the Big Brother house is....FRODO!
(Frodo buries his head in his hands and the some of the others silently punch the air in jubilation. They've survived. At least for another week. Aragorn consoles the young halfling.)
Big Brother: Frodo, you have 30 seconds to leave the Big Brother house. Thankyou.
(Frodo recieves hugs and good wishes from the rest of the housemates and Merry wheels him out to his bedroom. As they get his bags...)
Frodo: Merry, I'm sorry for what I said.
Merry: Forget about it.
Frodo: No, it wasn't on. I was horrible to all of you this week and I deserve to go.
Merry: Don't say that.
Frodo: It's true though, isn't it?
Merry: Well, I suppose so.
(Merry wheels Frodo back out and he waves goodbye to the other housemates and wishes them good luck. Then the door opens and Frodo wheels himself out, with a last fleeting glance back at the open doorway. Then he's gone.)
Legolas: That's sad.
Pippin: What do we do now?
Pippin: Good idea. I'll get it.
(Pippin goes into the kitchen area and looks in the cupboard.)
Pippin: The coffee's gone! Frodo, that little beggar!
(In one of the bedrooms, Bill the Pony, who is actually a dog, sits silently sleeping, the one ring inside his stomach. Next week is going to be very interesting indeed.)
As Big Brother said, the voting could not have been closer. Frodo recieved the boot with 13 votes, closely followed by Aragorn with 12. Then Legolas and Merry tied with 4 each and Boromir and Pippin were safe with 1 apiece. So Boromir, the man most of you assumed had shot Frodo, goes to the back of the line in the eviction stakes, while the two hobbits that are left still look safe.