It is the beginning of week 3 in the Big Brother House and the housemates are adjusting to life now that there are only 7 of them. Sam was the last to bite the dust, when, on Eviction Night, he stormed out, shouting at all and sundry. And all did not like it. Neither did sundry.
Monday: Merry and Pippin are discussing the outside world over breakfast.
Merry: What would be doing right about now?
Pippin: Monday morning? I’d probably be thinking up an excuse not to go into work.
Merry: Really…wait a minute… you said that your Grandma had died.
Pippin: She did.
Merry: Five times?
(There is a long silence).
Pippin: She had a fighting spirit.
(Frodo walks in and pours a bowl of cereal).
Merry: Morning Frodo.
Frodo: Morning Merry.
Pippin: Morning Frodo.
Frodo: Morning Pippin.
Merry: How are you feeling?
Frodo: Not bad. Bit empty.
Pippin: Me too, I’m starving-
Merry: I think he means about Sam leaving, don’t you Frodo?
Merry: I know you two were good friends, but…he was a bit of a know-it-all, wasn’t he?
Frodo: Yes, I suppose he was. Funny though.
Pippin: What is? Frodo: Well, I’ve got this strange hankering to know about the Pillow Factory Scandal of ’72 now and Sam’s not here to tell me about it.
(Pippin looks up at Merry.)
Pippin and Merry: Such a shame.
(Aragorn and Legolas sit in the bathroom, both with towels around their hair, reading two magazines. One is called ‘Muscle and Facial Cream – For Men Who Care’ and the is ‘Middle Earth Beauty – 100 Ways to Get that Elven Sheen’.)
Aragorn: That’s interesting.
Legolas: What is?
Aragorn: Gildor swears by egg white.
Legolas: Well they are very tasty.
Aragorn: On his hair.
Aragorn: Hmm. Worth a try, though.
Legolas: Here, read this – it’s an article called ’10 Sure-Fire Ways to Net that Mortal Man’.
(Gimli is doing exercises in the garden when Merry and Pippin come out and sit in the deck chairs.)
Merry: Oi oi! I didn’t know dwarves were into keep fit!
(Gimli turns stops running and scowls at the Hobbits).
Gimli: Of course we are.
Pippin: You wouldn’t guess it.
Gimli: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Pippin: Well, you know…your…
Gimli: My belly?
Gimli: I’ll have you know this is a genetic belly that has been in my family for generations. The belly stays. But everything else is in trim, working order. Pippin: Run ten lengths of the garden, then.
(Gimli starts off running, slows down at the end of the first length and then collapses.)
Merry: Oh dear.
Merry: I suppose we should get some help.
Pippin: I suppose.
Merry: Fancy a game of table football?
Pippin: Do I ever?
Tuesday: Boromir is sitting on his bed, turning the stolen ring around in his fingers when Gimli walks in.
Gimli: What are you doing? We agreed we wouldn’t look at it until we were together.
Boromir: It’s just so…enchanting.
Gimli: And so is an evening in Paris, but it doesn’t mean you want to roll that about in your fingers, does it?
Gimli: I don’t know, it sounded good in me head.
Boromir: I was just looking at it.
Gimli: Well you can look at it in my hands, then, give it ‘ere.
Boromir: No, I’m holding it!
(They tussle for a moment).
Boromir: It’s mine!
Boromir: You can have it after me!
Gimli: I wanted it now!
Boromir: I could kill you a hundred different ways with just my little toe and a Band-Aid.
(Gimli stops tussling).
Gimli: You can have it first, then.
Boromir: I think I should put it on.
Gimli: I think that’s a bad idea.
Gimli: Well, it’s got…powers, ain’t it?
Boromir: I suppose so. But then, most rings do.
Gimli: How so?
Boromir: Well they seem to draw me to them. When I was five, it happened a lot and the Police got involved.
Gimli: Why did the Police get involved with magic rings?
Boromir: Well it wasn’t that exactly – more because I sort of pinched ‘em off people.
Boromir: I’ll just put it on for a moment.
Gimli: Ok, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
(Boromir slips the ring on his finger and disappears).
Gimli: Where did you go?
Boromir: I’m right here…but…
Gimli: But what?
Boromir: An eye! I see an eye!
Gimli: Is it the terrible lidless eye of Sauron that never rests and sees all?
Boromir: No – there’s someone looking through the doorway.
(Merry’s head disappears from the crack in the door and joins the rest of Merry’s body as it legs it away down the corridor.)
Boromir: After him!
(Gimli and Boromir chase after Merry, but the Hobbit hides in Frodo’s room and the two hurtle past).
Frodo: Merry? What’s happening?
Merry: I shouldn’t say, really.
Frodo: Go on.
Merry: Alright…but you ain’t gonna like it…
Wednesday: Today is a rather special occasion in the Big Brother House – it’s Frodo’s birthday! But, unfortunately, as is the state of relationships in the house, it’s not an overly festive mood that greets the sunrise on this Wednesday morning. Legolas and Aragorn are still not talking with Merry and Pippin, who whisper secretively behind each other’s backs as they pass. Frodo, having learnt that Boromir and Gimli have stolen his ring is being very quiet today and Boromir and Gimli suspect that he might suspect something. So with all this division, what kind of a day will it be in the House? Not an easy one, because as Frodo yawns and enters the living room, he finds that the cake that Big Brother sent in has disappeared!
When everyone has woken up, Frodo decides it is high time for an interrogation.
Frodo: Who did it? Eh?
Gimli: It’s not me, Pippin’s always doing those-
Frodo: I meant who has eaten the cake!
Merry: What cake?
Frodo: My birthday cake!
Legolas: Oh, it’s your birthday! Congratulations-
Frodo: Can it pretty boy. Someone has eaten MY birthday cake and I want to know who it was.
(There is a long silence, in which everyone just stares at each other. Pippin knocks some crumbs away from the side of his mouth).
Frodo: Ah-hah! So it was you, Pippin!
Pippin: It wasn’t me – that was just some biscuits I got out of the cupboard. Aragorn: Read him his rights, Frodo. He’s got guilt written all over him.
Pippin: That was just a game me and Merry were playing last night which involved felt tip pens and a dice!
Frodo: I don’t care! If you ate my birthday cake then you’re guilty!
Merry: Alright, alright. I did it. There, are you happy?
Merry: Yes me. I only did it because I didn’t want them to steal it.
(He nods over to Aragorn and Legolas.)
Aragorn: I don’t eat cake. It’s not good for the complexion, you know.
Frodo: Alright, alright. I forgive you, Merry. Although, if you didn’t want them to steal it, then why didn’t you just…hide it?
Merry: Well…(blushes redder than an embarrassed tomato)…it was made of jam…and butter cream…and lovely…smooth…gentle…icing…anyone would have done the same in my position.
(There is a general murmur of agreement).
Boromir: Look, why don’t you let me make a new cake. Back at Gondor I was quite the Chef.
Gimli: Really? Never had you down as a Chef.
Boromir: Well, I keep the hat locked up. I’ve got an image to protect. I could have a cake made by…Friday.
Frodo: Fine. Just don’t…steal it.
(He eyes Boromir with a stare that would melt iron and certain types of flapjack.)
Thursday: Today is, of course, the day of the weekly challenge, and this week will pit the housemates against each other in a Big Brother Olympics. There’ll be Egg and Spoon, 100 metres Sprint, Piggy-Back races and a High Jump. First up is the Egg and Spoon.
Legolas: Right then, everyone line up, come on, it’s your time you’re wasting. Right, everyone ready, everyone got an egg?
Merry: I’ve got an egg, but I haven’t got a spoon.
Legolas: Typical. Pippin: I’ve got a spoon but I haven’t got an egg.
Legolas: Well, just swap over, will you.
(They do so).
Legolas: Everyone ready?
Merry: Now I’ve got a spoon but no egg.
Pippin: And I’ve got an egg but no spoon.
Legolas: Oh for goodness sake, just imagine that you have them, alright? Right, on your marks, get set…GO!
(They all set off, except for Legolas, who has a bad leg and won’t be competing today. Merry is quickest out of the blocks, as he doesn’t have the problem of the whole egg and spoon thing, quickly followed by Pippin. Frodo and Boromir are neck and neck, whilst Gimli lags behind a bit. But last of all comes Aragorn, who is walking extremely slowly. Merry crosses the line first, followed by Pippin, then Boromir, Frodo and Gimli and last of all comes Aragorn.)
Merry: I won! I won!
Pippin: I didn’t! I didn’t!
Aragorn: Oh dear, what a shame. My egg didn’t fall off my spoon and spread it’s special white all over the lawn. Oh dear.
(He runs off towards the bathroom holding the egg tightly and then a faint sound of running water which sounds like a golden beck dancing off a vale of grey rock, but which is actually just the shower, can be heard in the garden.)
Legolas: Right then – 100 metres sprint. All ready – Go!
(Boromir is out of the traps like lightning and has done nearly five laps of the garden before Merry, Pippin and Frodo have done one. Gimli, who is rather stocky and slow, collapses into the rose bush after 1 lap and lays immobile for ten minutes. Boromir wins the race, followed by Frodo, Merry and then Pippin. Gimli was dis-qualified for not finishing…which was really rather pointless and bureaucratic.)
Legolas: Right! Pick a partner and line up for the piggy-back race!
Merry: Are you alright Frodo?
Frodo: Yeah, just a little down about this one.
Merry: Why? Frodo: Sam would have been perfect at this – we’ve practised loads in the past.
(In the end, the teams are Merry-Pippin, Aragorn-Frodo and Boromir-Gimli)
(Boromir, who of course has the least weight to carry in comparison with his own body weight, takes an early lead, but unfortunately stumbles over a log that Frodo had ‘misplaced’ in their path. Aragorn runs extremely well and comes in first, meaning that Merry-Pippin come in second and Boromir-Gimli come in last.)
Legolas: High jump!
(Against all odds, Gimli manages to win the high jump and demands a sash that reads ‘I Won the HIGH Jump’. He doesn’t get one).
Friday: After yesterdays Olympics, a clear winner had to be found, so Frodo, Merry, Aragorn and Boromir all picked Lucky Lots. Unfortunately, not all of them were lucky and so of course only person won. And it was Frodo. His prize was a Huge Cookie. On Friday evening, they all sat down to dinner and cheered as Boromir brought out the new birthday cake and they all sang Happy Birthday to Frodo. But Boromir pulls Gimli aside.
Boromir: There’s been a…problem.
Gimli: What kind of a problem?
Boromir: How many kinds are there?
Gimli: Good point. But what were the specifics of this particular problem?
Boromir: Well, I was baking the cake, mixing up the ingredients in a medium sized bowl, which I’d washed out. The margarine was softened to room temperature, which is a really good tip, because it-
Gimli: The problem, man!
Boromir: Right. The ring came off my finger and is some where in the cake.
Gimli: Right. I’ll see you in a minute, I’m just going off to Faint-
Boromir: Get back here!
Gimli: Well, maybe not everyone will want some.
Boromir: Good idea. Come on.
(They go back and sit at the table).
Boromir: Okay then! Who wants cake?
Merry: I do.
Pippin: And me.
Aragorn: Oh, go on then.
Legolas: I will if he is.
Gimli: Me too-
(Boromir slaps the dwarf around the head).
Frodo: Not for me, thanks. I’ve got this admittedly bizarre prize of a Huge Cookie, so I won’t need any.
(Boromir dejectedly serves up the cake, searching each slice for a sign of the ring).
Pippin: Can’t wait for this.
(They all tuck into their slices, all of which seem to be quite a bit smaller than Boromir and Gimli’s. There is suddenly a crack from the other side of the table).
Legolas: I think there’s something hard in this cake. (He fishes around in his mouth for the offending article).
Boromir: Don’t worry! I’ll take it!
(Boromir dashes across the room and puts his hand out. Legolas places into it a burnt and half chewed raisin, along with bits of cake and his saliva.)
Legolas: Thanks very much.
So it is the end of Week 3 in the Big Brother House. And what a week it’s been. But now it is time for another Housemate to leave us and say goodbye to that fantastic prize. Someone will be leaving – but who? This is where you decide. Make your vote by posting the name of the person you want to leave the house under this posting. As usual, there’ll be 3 chances to vote so that if you miss this one, you don’t have to miss out. And I’ll see you on eviction night. What? What do you mean who got the ring in their cake? You’ll just have to wait and see…
What a week it's been here in the house. Tension began to rise and the intrigue of the ring has come to the fore. But who, here at the end of this week, will make the long, lonely walk out of the Big Brother House? Let's cross live now and find out.
Big Brother: Hello House, can you all hear me clearly.
(The housemates are sat in the living, the divisions now apparent, with Merry and Pippin sitting as far away as possible from Aragorn and Legolas. Gimli sits by himself, because Boromir is rummaging through the bin and muttering things like 'No...not that bit...maybe this bit...where is that cake!'.)
Big Brother: Okay. As you know, the world has been voting this week and in record numbers. 41 votes were cast and I will now read out the result. The third person to leave the Big Brother House, joining Gandalf and Sam is...GIMLI!
(Gimli storms out of the room before anyone can move to console him. He looks at a camera on his way out and shouts "It's because I'm small, isn't it?" Boromir rushes to Gimli's room).
Boromir: What am I going to do?
Gimli: Put the kettle on. They'll be devastated that I'm leaving.
Boromir: No! I mean about the...you know...
Gimli: Just keep watching. It'll turn up.
Boromir: And then?
Gimli: Proceed as planned.
Big Brother: Gimli, you have thirty seconds to leave the house.
(Gimli nods, says goodbye to Boromir and the rest and leaves the house).
Merry: What do we do now?
So, the dwarf is the latest casualty. Those final results were...Gimli 17...Boromir 9...Aragorn 9...Legolas 3...Frodo 3...Merry 0...Pippin 0. Thanks for the amazing amount of votes!