The Fellowship in the Big Brother House: The Grand Final Eviction Night
The Fellowship in the Big Brother House
The Grand Final Eviction Night
There are moments in history when everyone remembers where they were when
they first heard the news. There are momentous occasions that are hard to
see even in a blue moon. And there are events that get indelibly added to
that ‘Great Big Timeline in the Sky’.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments.
Cue the fireworks, cue the music and cue the screaming crowds – this is Grand Final Eviction Night.
Big Brother: Hello and welcome to the last ever installment from the Big
Brother House. In the next few minutes, the last evictee will walk from the
house and the surviving housemate will be crowned as the winner of The Fellowship
in the Big Brother House and claim that $1,000,000 prize money. But who?
You have decided in your droves this week and it was one of the tightest
votes ever – the winner will become a millionaire by one vote only. Let’s
go live to the house.
Big Brother House, can you hear me?
(Pippin and Boromir are sitting in the empty house, the last surviving members
of eight weeks of laughter, tears and an unusual amount of sweat. They are
holding hands, but in a way that suggests they are still very…manly. Tears
are welling up in both their eyes, again in a way that suggests they’re masculinity
has not deserted them).
Pippin and Boromir: YES!!
Big Brother: Before I announce the winner…
(Pippin and Boromir groan.)
Big Brother:…I’d like to ask you both how you feel about the last eight weeks,
and about the imminent prospect of seeing both your families again.
Boromir: I’ve loved every minute of it, I really have.
Big Brother: Even when you baked the ring into that cake?
Boromir: Well, obviously not that particular minute, but all the others were great.
Big Brother: Even when you and Pippin had that fight?
Boromir: Alright, most of the minutes were fine.
Big Brother: Even when-
Boromir: Shut up! I’ve loved the experience, end of story. And I’m really
looking forward to walking out that door and seeing my Dad and brother again.
Big Brother: And you, Pip?
Pippin: I just echo everything that Boromir said, really.
Big Brother: Do you?
Pippin: Do I what?
Big Brother: Echo everything that Boromir says? That’d get a bit confusing, wouldn’t it?
Pippin: Not like a tunnel. That would be silly.
Big Brother: Hmm.
Pippin: It’d be daft. I’m also really looking forward to seeing my family and mates again-
Big Brother: I mean, I suppose you could sort echo everything that someone says.
Pippin: I think you’re missing the point-
Big Brother: It’d be like this – ‘Hello’ ‘Hello!’ Really quickly, wouldn’t it?
Pippin: Are you quite mad?
Big Brother: I suppose I am. But then I am a big brother and not a big…brain…head…thing.
Pippin: The words ‘Case’ and ‘Point’ spring to mind.
Big Brother: Anyway, enough of this idle chit-chat, it’s about time we evicted
the last housemate. 31 viewers registered their votes this week, and Big
Brother would like to take this opportunity to thank every single one of
the viewers who have voted
in their hundreds and help make The Fellowship in the Big Brother House everything
it is today. But there can only be one winner. The last person to be evicted
from the Big Brother House is…
(Boromir puts his arms around Pippin, but the Hobbit just smiles. They hug
for a few moments, and exchange a few unheard words, Pippin nods with a smile
and the shouts and cheers can be heard from the parking lot outside, where
a fervent crowd waits to see their heroes emerge from the house.)
Big Brother: And so the winner of The Fellowship in the Big Brother House, by 16 votes to 15 is BOROMIR!
(The crowd goes wild).
Big Brother: Pippin and Boromir, you can now both leave the Big Brother House.
(Boromir and Pippin pick up their suitcases, smile at one another for the
last time as Big Brother housemates and then stride out of the house, heads
held high. As the walk out into the night, reporters’ cameras flash and sizzle
and the crowd erupts into roars of delight. The two slightly bewildered housemates
wave and smile and the crowd and then start the long walk down the garden
path, past the crowds, photographers and TV cameraman, arms over each others
shoulder. Boromir takes a ‘Fellowship in the BB House’ flag from a member
of the crowd and drapes it over his back. Finally, they make it to where
their families and friends are waiting for them. Boromir hugs and kisses
his father, Denethor, his brother Faramir and his little heard-of mother,
Nutsandbir. Pippin is embraced by his parents, Flippin and Dippin, Frodo,
who’s still in a wheelchair, but looking a lot better and, of course, his
best friend, Merry. It is an incredible scene of jubilation and emotion that
will never be forgotten.
Back in the empty and forgotten house, a little dog with a strange name and
a ring in his tummy, has found his way back into house, trots through the
living room and curls up on the sofa. At last, he thinks, some peace and
So that, as they say, is that. Eight extra-ordinary weeks are at an end,
and I hope you’ve enjoyed it as much as I have. There have been ups, downs,
acrosses and sideways but I think you’ll agree, never a dull mome(nt). I’ve
loved every single week, but it would all have been nothing if it wasn’t
for you, the devoted viewer. Many of you have stuck with BB through thick,
thin and medium spread and so I’d like to echo Big Brother’s sentiments (although
not literally, of course) and thank every single one you for voting week
after week with such devotion. Kind words like your own are the gasoline
of a writers’ car, and I’m sure fellow Inklingers would agree. These boards
are an incredible place, a sanctuary full of incredible people, so talented
and kind, and I love being a part of that. The fact that we can all connect,
from every corner of the world, is due to one incredible book: ‘The Lord
of the Rings’. Let’s keep celebrating this amazing work of fiction and keep
Inklinging, discussing and just plain chatting with friends right here.
I’m tempted to sign off in a Bilboic fashion, but I won’t – I would like
to stay around and keep writing, so a rather dramatic goodbye and, in particular,
one that ended with somebody disappearing into thin air, is unsuitable. But,
from Big Brother – goodbye.