Ask the Characters....9

Gathered from the ongoing game at the Middle-earth board
Page 9 participants:  Aragorn-Lover, bowsNarrows, Daisy Gold, Daughter of Kings, Dinledhwen, Elfriend67, Frodosmiss, Gandalf 921, Goldberry, hobbitgirly, Laiquendi, Lithilien Quicksilver, Primula

Q:  Frodo- Why were you so bent on hooking Sam up with Rosie when you were without a girlfriend? Shouldn't you have been focusing your baby blues on a hobbit honey for yourself?

Frodo: People don't know this, but I did have a couple of hobbit-girlfriends. It's just that when I started getting involved in that horrible Ring business, my mind was pre-occupied with other things - you know, like trying to stay alive. Sam and Rosie - well they belonged together - that was obvious. Sam was just very shy, so I decided to help out (being the good friend that I am).

Q: Question for the Ring: You have been the cause of so much trouble - what do you have to say for yourself!?!?

Ring:  I can't help it...I'm just crabby. They say diamonds are a girl's best friend, but did I get to be some Hollywood babe's bling bling? Nooooo! I had to be a plain gold band, forged by this nasty, evil dude. Did he appreciate me? Nooooo! He got his finger cut off and next thing I know, I'm being hung over a fire pit with some elf yelling at the guy who's holding me, telling him to let me go. Let me go, he says!! Thankfully the guy heard me as I whispered his name and carried me off for some new adventures.

Naturally, that didn't last long. The guy got himself killed and dropped me at the bottom of some unknown pond, where I laid for oh, so very long. I'm finally picked up by a short, funny looking guy with big, hairy feet and he fights with another, equally funny looking guy, who wins me and calls me Precious. Oh, yeah. Precious. But does he wear his Precious with pride? Noooo! He takes me into a dark, dank cave where he constantly coos at me, babytalks me and strokes me til it nearly drove me crazy! As this little freak got uglier and stranger, he drops me and I'm found by a short guy who loves riddles. He puts me on, takes me off, puts me on, takes me off...all the while, keeping me in a small little pocket. Do you know how long it's been since I saw sunlight? Finally, I am given to this good lookin' blue eyed guy who wears me around his neck. Not a bad deal, considering what I've been through! Just when I think I've finally got it made, he takes me back to the evil dude's fire in an effort to melt me! Can you see why I'm a little crabby?

Q: Speaking of that guy who first held me over the flaming pit of lava, hey Elrond! How come you didn't try to fight Isildur for me when you saw he wasn't going to throw me in?

Elrond: I wanted to, but it was so hot I was afraid my sweat would make it too slippery and it would fall off the edge. Then, well, Isildur lived in my house you know - the first time I tried to sneak it away he found it by rummaging in my room. The next time I hid it in my study, but drat it if he didn't find it again! It was like he was drawn to the thing. No matter where I put it, he always got it back. Why, he even managed to fish it out of the sewers when I put it there...

Then he took to just carrying it around with him all the time and I never did get another shot at it - I mean, the next time it came around everyone was watching it and I couldn't exactly take it from a pathetic little hobbit, could I? I really wanted to add it to my rings collection too.


Q: Now Gandalf - where were you going when you walked out on Denethor? It's not like you'd been offered any lodging yet.

Gandalf:  I had suspected that that insane thing would murder me in my sleep, so I went down to the lower orders and borrowed someone's room there. I mean, it would be a good idea to be a long distance away if your alibi was going to work.  However in either case, it was morning when I saw him... but when the orcs came it was night.


Q: Denethor - What were you planning to do with the Ring if you actually managed to get it? Give yourself pernament invisibility or something?


Denethor: Absolutely not !! It would have been brought back to the Citadel to be kept safe. Hidden. Dark and deep in the vaults not to be used. Unless at the uttermost end of need. I, of course would have been the one to use it if need be.

Q: Eowyn: Why didn't you consider Legolas?? I mean, some women seem to find him somewhat attractive.

Eowyn: "Oh he's attractive alright. But I'm too lazy to even try to keep my hair looking better than his! So by hanging around with Aragorn I don't have to do too much fussing with it to look better than him!

Q: Now Aragorn what did it feel like to be the first person in Middle-earth to try the extreme sport of cliff diving?

Aragorn: Let's just say i started a new fad.  I mean, look at the modern bungee jumping, it's quite obvious that they imitated my stunt, didn't they?


Q: So.. Frodo! Have you ever thought of settling down someday with a family like Sam did?

Frodo: Well, yes I did once or twice, but when you come down to it I'm just not imaginative enough. I mean, I could hardly come up with one child's name for Sam and Rosie, can you imagine what a mess it would be if I had to name a whole household? What would I call them? Frodo Jr., Frodess, Frodina, Froodo, Frodette... No, no. I better leave it to poets like Sam.


Q: And Samwise, you had a song about the Trolls of all things - did you make up songs about everything you saw then?

Samwise: Of course I do! It is tradition of all Hobbits - to write long songs and tell great tales about everything, especially of all our distant relatives!  Do you have a few hours? Or perhaps days? I've written hundreds of songs... let me see, where to begin?? This one is about my distant cousin, Halfred Greenhand and his son Holman, who were great and experienced gardeners -
Sing Inch by inch, row by row....
gonna make this garden grow,
All I need is a rake and a hoe.......



Q: Guard of The Beacon of Amon Dîn: Did you guys get into any trouble when you let the beacon get lit?

Guard: Not nearly as much trouble as we got in for letting Denethor get lit! Luckily, Aragorn, I mean King Elessar, was in such a good mood after the war was over that he just sent us off to Ithilien as punishment.


Q: Deagol, why didn't you just give Smeagol the ring and save yourself the trouble of getting throttled?

Déagol: What?! Give it up??? It's a prized collector's edition!

Just look at it! It's most assuredly a mint condition gold Ancalimëan ring, with inlaid Berúthielic fire-lettering. *pulls out a magnifying glass* Look here... you can even see the recognisable vertical scratch mark left by the Númenorean goldsmiths to identify their wares.

I was never going to give up such a valuable piece as this! Why, it'd be worth at least 10,000 lek in one of the Southern Markets.


Q: So my good friend Aragorn, why didn't you continue the family tradition of having your children's name beginning with "Ara" ?

Aragorn: Well, in case you didn't notice, there's nobody left of my family that really cares about the "Ara" tradition. It's quite silly really. I mean, that and neither me or Arwen could think of anything. She wanted to call our son Anarion, but I said nay, let us ask someone. We had this talk near the Tree and as I said this, it answered with a whisper, "Eldarion" so that's what we called him.

*Arwen whispers* I still think you were hearing things.


Q: Gandalf, how in Middle-earth were you able to hold onto the Balrog?

Gandalf :  Luckily I had the forethought to put double-sided sticky tape around my oven gloves.

(I always carry a spare pair of oven gloves, never know when you might need then)


Q: Tell me Aragorn...what did you do with all those oliphant tusks after the Battle at Pelennor? Do you consider that oliphants should now be a protected species?

Aragorn: My good friend Legolas here showed us how to flatten out the bottoms and wax them. We have a real fad going here in Minas Tirith, everyone wants to go surfing down all seven levels. I've been selling surfing tickets as a fundraiser for Arwen's wardrobe.

Endangered? Oliphaunts? I should hope to shout. I would rather not have to pick any more of my horses out from between their toes.


Q: Hey, Army of the Dead - why were you lime green?

Army of the Dead: Well, we had to choice between pink and lime green, so the choice wasn't that difficult.  Picture us scaring people in pink - no way.  We all think that lime green was a good choice don't you think so?


Q: Nazgul don't you ever get sick of it, scaring people all the time?

Nazgûl #4: Oh terribly, you wouldn't imagine the trouble i've had! I mean, they say black is fashionable, but when you've got no body, well, it sort of defeats the purpose.

I'm a classically trained thespian! Just once i'd like to have a love scene... maybe me and Arwen...

Nazgûl: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that ship with Elrond where you belong.
Arwen: But, Nazzie, no, I... I...
Nazgûl: Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in Mordor.
Arwen: You're saying this only to make me go.
Nazgûl: I'm saying it because it's true. Inside of us, we both know you belong with Elrond. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that ship leaves the dock and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Arwen: But what about us?
Nazgûl: We'll always have Pelennor. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Caras Galadhon. We got it back last night.
Arwen: When I said I would never leave you.
Nazgûl: And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Arwen, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. Now, now... Here's looking at you kid...


Q: Now Gimli, did you never think about finding yourself a nice hairy woman to settle down with?

Gimli: Who said I didn't? The little woman, (pardon the pun) is such a dear thing and handy in a fight, unfortunately the fights are usually with me. The elf is easier to deal with, and that's a fact, so you can imagine what a challenge she is. It just seems prudent to, well, keep on the move a bit, as it were.


Q: Eomer, that helmet of yours is very nice and all, but doesn't the horseshaped nosegaurd tend to make you crosseyed?

Eomer: Only when I look at it.


Q: Gwaihir, I'm curious; why did you choose a career as Gandalf's rescue unit/taxi service, and how are you liking it?

Gwaihir: Gandi and I are great buddies, we go back long way. So when he offered me a job that had short hours, good pay and a chance for travel and excitement...well I jumped/flew at it.  There was the bonus. of course.. ..I got to appear in a film called Lord of the Rings and now I am quite the star


Q: Gandalf my old pal, You are always losing your staffs, can you tell me where you get the new ones....have you a stash of them hidden somewhere?

Gandalf: All I have to do is get online and head for the "Staffs-r-us" website, place my order (since I'm a very good customer most of my information is already filled in), and in a blink of an eye I have a new staff.


Q: Now Pippin what was so interesting about that arrow in that corpse that made you want to try to pull it out?

Pippin: Shhh!! Don't tell anyone but i was gonna use it to do a Legolas impersonation!

Since he's been getting a lot of attention from the ladies, I thought I might try my luck at the old bow and arrow thing and impress them with my style....

Obviously it didn't exactly turn out as I had expected...  Maybe the ladies will go for the lovable fool instead?? One can only hope.


Q: Now Old Gaffer, what did you think when your favourite son suddely dropped eveything to go off with the peculiar Baggins lad?

Old Gaffer: Like I allus says to my Samwise, mind your place, and your place is takin' care of your Master... peculiar and cracked or no... But young Master Frodo has a good heart, and I knew he'd look after my Sam too as best he was able. Himself and Mr. Bilbo, they's good sorts.


Q: Summat I've allus wanted to know is how that kingsfoil weed works - My Sam told me how that Stri - I mean, the new King - used it to aid Mr. Frodo. I reckon he learnt it from that Elflord... So, Mr, Elrond, sir, could you teach me the way of it, if it please you, sir?

Elrond: I would be happy to, er...was it Gaffer? Yes, anyway...you find a patch of kingsfoil, then put a pinch of it's leaves between your cheek and gums. You chew it a little and let it rest there until you can feel it start to take effect. Then, you spit out the weed, so you don't accidentally swallow it, and let the feeling overtake you. Aragorn only stuffed it into Frodo's wound because there was no spitoon around. I understand that in dwarf colonies, kingsfoil is also known as snoose. (I, for one, abhor that word.) As I look into the future, I see a lot of kingsfoil used at rodeos and baseball games....


Q: Merry- what was it like to ride into battle, cozied up to a beauty like Eowyn?

Merry: Well, considering that we were both in armor and on a horse, about to face certain death... I could have asked for a better atmosphere. Like the Green Dragon for instance. And it would have helped if she weren't twice my height, better with a sword and outranking me besides - and she wears boots! What sort of decent hobbit-lady would wear boots, I ask you? What does she have to hide, foot-fungus?


Q: Hello over there Pukel-man! Tell us, what's it like to see your image put up at all those bends in the road, and do you think it was a good likeness?

Pukel-man: *what follows is a stoney silence in which all that is heard is the sound of crickets chirping*

Pukal-man's Lawyer: I'm afraid my client can't comment on that right now as he has filed a grievence against those who put up those hideous garden gnomes with his name on them.

However he did ask me to pass along this question;


Q: "King Theoden why on earth did you decide to have your camp so close to the Paths of the Dead when you know that place is a tourist trap?"

Theoden: Quarter ownership in a string of gift shops, my boy. Commerce is vitally important to our cause! Thanks to souveniers like these T-shirts that say "My parents took the Dimholt road and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!", I can outfit my entire army in those fancy helmets with the horsey tails on them!


Q: A question for you, Gandalf. On the night you were sleeping and Pippin took the palantir from you and replaced it with a pitcher, I noticed you were still cradling the pitcher when you awoke, but when you got up, it was gone. What gives?

Gandalf: My, my, child. I thought you would have worked it out by now! Isn't it obvious?

Middle-Earth is rampant with subspace micro-fractures in the space/time continuum! Increased emissions of veteron particles by interstellar gases build-up to a cascade implosion on the micro-cellular level. A naturally-occuring inverse tachyon pulse is then initiated which phase-shifts the subatomic particles into a subspace "fold" layer.  Of course, as it's outside our normal perception range (unless you happen to have a Mark X Tricorder with enhanced polaron emitters), it appears to spontaneously vanish from our universe.

As this subspace "fold" layer progress on a different timescale, after 1,458 cycles of veteron particle decay, it is suddenly forced back into our space and appears again! All manner of strange things could have happened to it while it was there, an alteration of its orientation, minute waveform changes in colour, slight increases or decreases in mass...

So you see, my good friend, do not believe everything you see.


Q: Now, Mr. Witch-King, how did you get Minas Ithil to glow green?

Witchking: *menacingly* It is a manifestation of my EVIL!!!

Mwwwwwhhaahhaaahhaaaahaaaaaa!

Oh, all right, its a terrible phosphorescent fungus problem. We've tried everything to get rid of it! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a decent night's sleep with that stuff glowing all the time!?


Q: So I was wondering, Dwarf Lords, why did we human ringbearers end up all icky and wraithlike and you guys just died!?

Dwarf Lord: We're Dwarves. We're made of tougher stuff and would rather die than become whispy, bodyless things. We aren't really tall enough to ride horses and be spooky at the same time. How would you like to walk up to somebody trying to be scary and have them look down and laugh? Height can be an issue when it comes to that.


Q: Now, Pippin. When you were at Weathertop, why were you more worried about your tomatos than your life?

Pippin: What? Tomatoes are my life. And mushrooms. They're my life too. Maybe add some ale and sausages to that also, if you're noting it down. I'll take two of your special of the day, with a side of bacon and a large loaf of bread, please, extra butter.


Q: Merry, how did you end up with Pippin anyway? It's not like you lived near one another or anything.

Merry: Well, if you MUST know, we met at an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. And there you go...now it's not anonymous anymore...thanks a lot...I feel a mushroom binge coming on! mmmmuuummmmfummmmmfmmfmmfmmmmm...yum...yum... *smack*smack*slurp*slurp*
Mmmm-pash the po-ta-toes, will ya Sham? *smack*smack*


Q: Ahhhh, much better. Aragorn- after you beheaded the Mouth of Sauron, who cleaned up your mess? When the gate opened to let the dark army out, the field in front of the gate was devoid of any stray parts.

Aragorn: Simple answer. Street sweepers and the sewage pipe acess hole nearby! *Ew*


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