Ask the Characters....8

Gathered from the ongoing game at the Middle-earth board
Page 8 participants:  Aragorn-Lover, Daughter of Kings, Elfriend67, Frodosmiss, gamelefan, Gandalf 921, Hobbitgirly,  Idrial of Lorien, Ladyhawk, Laiquendi, Lithilian Quicksilver,  Mousechief, StillAnais, Primula

Q: Now, Elladan and Elrohir... how exactly do you tell each other apart?

Well, I'm Elladan and he's Elrohir.
No, I'm Elladan.
No, I am.
No, I am.

*the two roll off stage amid cries of 'No I am' and Gandalf steps up to ask the question*

Q: Well, erm...anyway. Bilbo, did you really think that you could keep the Ring from me if I really wanted it?

Bilbo: Yes of course I could. You are, after all, afraid of sunlight and of beautiful things and of things that grow. I mean, and the ring of course, doesn't like you very much. It whispers to me when I hold it!  It runs away from you, and it is always with me. And how are you going to surivve now, anyway!!

Q: Ok.. Aragorn, what do you have against shields?

Aragorn: Ah.. Shields.
To tell you the truth, the reason i dont use shields, is that theyre just too heavy! i mean, if im in a fight i need all my arm strength just to use my sword, i cant be dealing with carrying a shield as well, i usualy just end up dropping it on the battleground somewhere.....

Q: Oh, and Shadowfax, do you have a brother called Filofax?

Shadowfax: N-a-a-a-a-a-y!

Q: And speaking of which, Pippin - you had to ride for three days and nights with Gandalf. Did he ever even stop for potty-breaks?

Pippin: No he never stopped. He made me stand behind him on Shadowfax and well do it like that... kind of embarrasing.

Q: Legolas how did you learn to shoot your bow that well?

Legolas: Simple answer. I'm an Elf of Mirkwood. It's in my blood. All of my ancestors were fantastic at shooting arrows with bows, but I still went to Bow School. It was really easy. It takes the average Elf 4 years to graduate, but me, one year will do.

Q: So, Moria Orc #2135, how did you climb up-side-down, you are neither Elf or gecko?

Moria Orc #2135: Simple, suction pads.
Although I could claim that I was accidentally bitten by a mutated Shelob, I think you've seen that movie.

Q: So, Elendil, when you built Minas Anor how did you managed to get the massive bastion of stone jutting out of the centre?

Elendil: (whispers) Don't tell anyone, but it's not really stone... it's an inflatable insta-mountain from Acme, and a pretty penny it cost me too. I figure as long as no one pokes it with a big spear or something we're good to go - if they did, the entire city might fly around the Pelennor going pbbbbbbbbbbbfffft, which would be most embarrassing.

Q: Hello over there at Isengard - Saruman, we don't see much in the way of farming going on though we see plenty of muscular, hungry Uruk-hai. What did you feed them to keep them in such good shape?

Saruman: Applebees Orc-side to Go. Sometimes, you could find us in the drive-thru lane at McBombadil's, when we were craving a double-dwarf sandwich with cheese!

Q: Excuse me, Mr. Proudfoot...why was your Mrs. always so crabby? What did she have against shootin' off a few fireworks for the wee-hobbits?

Odo Proudfoot: Don't you understand... the lesser members of society must be disiplined! Children must learn to obey their orders, and far from running around in the padocks, I gave a few of them distinct instructions to help do the dishes and their homework. What, was I meant to praise idleness, dishonesty, and disobediance??!! You're lucky PJ changed the scene so quickly after that.

Q: Glorfindel... what did you do so wrong to the writers to get cut completely from the movie?

Glorfindel: I was way cuter than Legolas, and they thought that wouldn't do. Something to do with him being part of the nine.

Q: Aragorn, you have like a thousand different names. Doesn't it get a tad confusing to you?

Aragorn:  Naw, it's not really all that difficult. I just answer to anything now. the only real trouble i have is signing my name to all of those stupid legal forms....and the SATs (sovereign aptitude test) never had enough blanks to fit my full title.

Q: Bill the Pony, what was your name before Sam renamed you Bill?

Bill the Pony: Think about it. I had Bill Ferny for an owner. My name wasn't repeatable in polite company.

Q: So, you, the big Black horse, yes, you, we horses are a noble breed, what's with giving us a bad name by serving the Witch-King?

Wraith Steed:  Oh, but he lures you in with pretty promises, you know... played to my love of Goth, but didn't tell me how heavy he is in that armor! And that filthy, ragged robe of his itches when it flaps against me! Really, I had no idea we were talking evil here... I'm just a slave to fashion!

Q: So... Gandalf. Could I talk you into putting in a good word for me with that gorgeous number I've seen you riding - Shadowfax, isn't it? We'd make such a cute couple!

Shadowfax: I dont think stink of orc!!
plus  I could have any horse in Middle Earth,what would I do with someone stupid enough to let a heavy stinkin Witchking pierce holes through his backside!!

Q: Witch King of did it feel to be killed by a woman??.. many men on the battle feild and you had to get killed by a embarrassing!!  (next time check the fine print)

WitchKing: I can tell ya I was totally shocked! I mean, I always thought when they said no man could kill me, I would end up eventually getting snuffed by some great Elf warrior...or maybe an irritated Ent. So I've just taken out this horse-riding bigwig, and out pops this little pipsqueek guy, who turns out not to be a guy at all, and quick as a wink I'm vaporized! Wouldn't YOU be a little surprised?

Q: So, Fatty, did you feel bad about getting left behind after you heard all the exciting adventures your friends had?

Fatty: Why does everyone assume that I would have wanted to go on their big adventures?? And besides, who said I didn't have adventures of my own? Has anyone asked me that??!!'s always Frodo-bore-the-ring this and Sam-helped-save-the-day that...yadda, yadda, yadda. How do you know I didn't do something equally as great, like pick the largest mushroom the shire had ever seen??!! *whew!*
Feels good to let that out!

Q: Frodo and Sam- Wasn't it blazingly hot so near the fires of Mount Doom?? Sure, you were sweaty and all, but with all that flaming lava, how did you manage not to combust?

Frodo: Well, we were just lucky I wasn't too bad as long as you didn't go wading in it or something...

Sam: (bumps Frodo away from the microphone) Oh, Mr. Frodo. You know it 'tweren't that a-tall. It was that special asbestos underwear that we picked up in Minas Morgul! You know... why are you blushin'? It was my union-suit what had lost a button in a prime spot, not yours...

Q: Now Mr. Sauron the Eyeball, sir - did you lose all the rest of your body parts one by one, or was it all at once?

Sauron the Eyeball: You know, being an All Powerful Supreme Being and Conqueror of Middle Earth some would think it would be easy to keep track of your body parts.

Alas, it is not so.

It all started with a finger... then, slowly over the years i noticed that other bits were missing!

Before I knew it, I was hopping around Barad-dûr on one leg with an ear trumpet to the side of my head.

In the end I was left with just my right eyeball, which my friendly Lieutenant carried around on a stick, allowing me to still leer menacingly at my Orcs.

As you can probably guess, it grew a bit tiresome being carried around like some kind of fancy hood-ornament. However, one day I was "accidentally" dropped into one of the pits of lava. You can rest assured that that Orc didn't live long, I can tell you.

Now being all red and fiery, and lacking any body organs, I decided to impose my will on the rest of Middle-Earth by fixing myself to the top of Barad-dûr. From there I can spy on all the female Elves.... I mean learn the movements of my enemies. Mwhahahahahahah

Q: So, Thranduil, the King of the Woodland Elves, what did you think happened to the captured Dwarves when they miraculously disappeared from your dungeons?

Thranduil: Who me?? I d dd ddd don't know.   Go ask someone else and don't bother me with silly questions.
*whispering to someone* "go and destroy all the evidence"

Q: Mr Denethor how was it like being on fire and flying in just one day, must have been exciting??

Denethor: My friends all warned me I was taking my interest in extreme sports too far, but did I listen? Noooooooo.

Q: Gandalf, why did you fight orc with your sword and not magic?

Gandalf: Because, how long do you think it takes to make a spell? I have to chant about two pages of Elvish (the most horrible language of all time). By that time, what would happen? Oh, and by the way - orcs are not worth me bothering with. I mean, I just hit them on the head!

Q: Ok... Gandalf why did you murder Denethor? Surely you could have rescued Faramir without doing that?

Gandalf: *raises eyebrows in surprise* I did not murder him! It was quite plain as the nose on your face that Denethor tripped on that stupid oversized fur collared robe of his and fell into the fire! I have counseled him about the dangers of wearing such flammible clothing but he would not listen to me! So it is not my fault if he is crispy around the edges now!

Q: Now tell me Legolas how is it possible that an elf from Mirkwood would know how to bring down an oliphant when you have said that you have not traveled as far south as Aragorn?

Legolas: We have a saying in Mirkwood. 'If you shoot it in the head, it will die." That's all I needed to know about killing Oliphants.

Q: So, Merry, is it true you pocketed the Witch King's ring after he went poof?

*hides something quickly in his pocket*

Merry: Ring? What ring? i have absolutely no idea what on earth you could be on about. Me? A fine, up-standing and reputable gentlehobbit of Buckland pilfer a nice, shiny and gold ring? I think someone's having you on, mate. No rings, trinkets, bracelets or chains on me!

Ohhh!! You mean this ring?? This aint any spooky magic ring, oh no. This is ahh..uhhh...ehhh...engagement ring! Yes, an engagement ring, i think... for the impeding wedding of me and..uhh... Mrs Brandybuck. That's right! I'm marrying..mmm.. Lobelia, the old trout! She needs a good husband you see, yes.

Although, of course, this is my ring..... all own. All glittering and shiny, just for me. And with it i shall rise above all other Hobbits! Power and wealth shall come to me! I shall rule this land with the carrot and the cake!

Cake! Sumptuous, crumbly cake....mmmmmm... that reminds me, where did dinner get off to?

Q: Mr and Mrs Faramir, seeing as how Mordor was still in turmoil after the end of the War, and most likely still overun with orcs, why did you decide to live just a short distance away from it?

Mrs. Faramir: Well, we didn't have much choice now, did we? Aragorn got himself crowned and then said "Off you go" and off we went. Never asked us if we wanted to go. Barely gave us time to pack. I could think of better places to go on a honeymoon, let me tell you.

Q: So, Sharp-ears, Wise-nose, Swish-tail, Bumpkin and White-socks.. what happened to you after you were stolen in Bree?

Assorted ponies all jostle one another: Whe-he-he-he were set loose, so we all ran to Tom Bombadil's house to hang out with Fatty Lumpkin, of course, why would any pony in their right mind want to go any further after a visit there? Of course we were all soon fatter than Fatty, but Tom didn't seem to mind, even if he did give us funny names that lacked dignity.

Q: Now Tom, why the same old yellow boots all the time?

Tom: Branding! My publicist is adament about it. "You have to wear the yellow boots, Tom, its expected!" she says. Doesn't seem to care whether I might be a bit tired of them after a few millenia. Goldberey likes them, though. Makes me easy to spot when she is looking for me.

Q: Shades of the Barrow Downs, why didn't you participate in the films?

Shade #3: What?! I was in the films! Couldn't you see me?  I was the pale, ghostly shape that tried to strangle Harry in the dark. You know, with all those bright lights on me, it was probably harder to make me out against the green screen.

Wait... we were watching the same movie? Right?

Q: Gollum, so what does Orc taste lke then?

Gollum: Bitter they are, precioussss! Not tasty likes nice fishsessss. Orcses are tough and rotten all through, yes precious. Like eating bootses it is, only crunchier.

Q: So Goldberry, what do you see in that Tom Bombadil guy? Is it the poetry?

Goldberry: No fair! That's two questions! But I'll answer them any way if I can.  *looks around nervously*
I'm not suppose to tell you this, but his poetry and songs are spells. He forces me to stay with him. But shhh. Shhh Don't tell him that I told you.  Who knows what he might do!

Q: Any way. So, Grima, how did you kill Theodred? We all know you did, so out with it!

Grima: Oh, I didn't, truly. He just died - soo sad.   Of course, getting Theoden to ban all wizards and elves may have had something to do with it - we'd run clean out of magibiotics.

Q: Faramir: after Frodo had almost given the ring to the Nazgul, and almost killed his best friend for stopping him, why DID you let him go?

Faramir: It's those eyes! Frodo goes into this sort of sorrowful gaze that breaks your heart!

I'm starting to cry just thinking about it...

Someone had to save that poor soul, *sob* those deep blue wells of despair that just draw you in and never let go... Oh the pain! *sniffle* The endless torment of that ring! *wail*

A tissue! Where is the Royal Tissue-bearer! *sob* I'm like, breaking up inside here! Emoting and all that.

Do you think I'll get paid extra for the tears?

Q: Now, Mr. Brandybuck, through your travels over Middle-Earth, which form of transport did you prefer? Uruk-hai, Ent, or horse?

Merry: Hm, hard choice! The horses are so far up from the ground, they're most unsettling but maybe if I drink a few more rounds of Ent-draught they'll fit better. Which reminds me of Ents. Nooo, I don't think so. Ever had to sit in a tree for a loooonng time? There's little bugs in the bark, and snails in the moss and everything moves really, really slowly. Worst of all, you have to listen to bad Ent poetry and there's no way to get down!

So I guess by process of elimination my favorite way would be... er.... well, not a stinky Uruk-hai shoulder or armpit, so I guess it would be using my own two feet, thank you very much, unless I can get Pip to carry me. He's done that a couple times, you know, after a late night at the Inn.

Q: Now Pippin, when you got hit by that apple did you really think it came from the sky?

Pippin: It did, it did fell out of the sky, I'm sure of it. Why you know something I don't .
And I must tell you it hurt pretty bad - Gave me a big bump on the head, luckely no one noticed right??
It's the hair.

Q: Gimli, why couldn't you run any faster when Aragorn, Legolas and you were chasing the Uruk hai to save Merry and Pippin?

Gimli: We dwarves aren't meant for long distances...we're natural born sprinters. Think about inseam is what, 14 inches? How was I supposed to keep up with those long-legged guys? To top it off, men and elves have the best running shoes and we're stuck with these silly boots that lace up the calf, cutting off our circulation. Besides, when we dwarves breathe heavily for long periods of time, condensation forms on all our facial hair and we very nearly drown from it! We need to stop and mop up every few hundred yards! Just another feature that endears us to the women folk....

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