Ask the Characters....7

Gathered from the ongoing game at the Middle-earth board
Page 7 participants:  Anduril22, Aragorn-Lover, BowsNarrows, Daughter of Kings, Frodosmiss, Eowynmaiar, Hobbitgirly, Laiquendi, Primula, Redheadeowyn, Ringlords09, Strange Elf

Q: Now Gríma, just what were you going to do if you had gotten your way and knocked off poor Théoden ?

Grima: Why, I marry Eowyn and become King of the Mark and she'd be my Queen whether she wanted to be or not. She'd be mine forever, MINE I TELL YOU! HAHAHAHA ....
*clears throut*
Ehem...sorry got a little carried away.

Q: Now, Saruman, I know I've been on top of Isengard because that's where I killed you and got killed myself, but I was sort of drunk and can't remember how to get up there. I mean, I can't see or find the staircase. How do you get up there?

Saruman: Be quiet Worm! *hiss* But, just so you know there's a lift in the centre of the tower. Go up that. I never get drunk though.

Q: But, Peregrin Took, I'd say that you do. How many pints can you drink in an evening?

Pippin: Well, Legolas said something about one drink being enough to inebriate the common sense right out o' a grown Man, but Gandalf said I didn't have any sense, so I figured I didna ha' much to lose. Merry said somethin' about Gimli sayin' somethin' about hairy women before the two o' them vanished under the table and kinda stopped movin' and I'm hopin' he meant on their feet...I'm on my 35th pint now, but ha'n't seen a hairy-footed lass anywhere yet. Do you have hairy feet? Hand me another... (swig, pause) What were we talkin' aboot?

Q: Hey there, Moth - how did you exceed the lifespan, altitude and speed of the common moth to act as messenger for the Eagles not once but twice? And why would an Eagle pay any attention to a bug anyway?

Moth: Pssst! *looks suspiciously over his shoulder and beckons to come closer* You cannot repeat this.... but....

*looks around again, then leans in really close* day I am simply Moth, going about my daily business, by night I am SuperMoth! Hero of the Insect World!

One day upon my travels i was accidently struck by an errant burst of gamma rays. Within minutes I was transformed into SuperMoth! I can fly faster than a speeding train! Bullets bounce of my lycra-clad fur! I can leap tall buildings in a single flutter!

My services were called upon by the Lord of the Eagles after i had rescued his favourite grandchild from the clutches of the evil Lex Llama. His dastardly plot to blow up the world using atomic "lasers" was quickly foiled due to my superior intellect (also helped that laser's hadn't been invented yet ).  I am the Defender of the Weak, Lord of the Skies and smudge on your windscreen...  SuperMoth at your service, day or night!

Q:  So now Denethor, what exactly can you see in a Palantír?

Denethor: There's some kind of liquid inside. You ask it a question, shake it and then look through a window on the bottom and the answer will emerge...yes, no, maybe, ask later. It's been a BIG help when it comes to making decisions about battles and the like and much faster that that Ouija board, which never really worked for me because I'm such a bad speller. The palantir was also a bit hit at parties!

Q: Bilbo, dear Bilbo! Why didn't you see that scary eye or those creepy ghost kings when you slipped on that ring? You definitely had more fun wearing it than Frodo ever did!

Bilbo: I did see them! the only thing is is that I thought it was just a big, glowing disco ball and the dancers. After all, Sauron wasn't in power yet, so I had nothing to fear of him crashin' my party!

Q: Speaking of parties. Frodo, at our birthday party, you were dancing and I was wondering, Where in Middle-earth did you learn to dance like THAT?

Frodo: Why, I learned all those fancy moves from breakdancers on a dance program on TV, of course. Those dudes can seriously work it.

Q: Hey Gimli, who french braids your beard for you?

Gimli: I do of course! We Dwarves have very nimble fingers. Good, strong, yet nimble fingers. Great for stonework.

Q: Merry, why are you always eating apples?

Merry: Always eating apples?! I am not!  I don't even like apples. Horrid, sickly things. All sugarry and bad for your teeth. Wait a second. What was that? Was that an apple I just saw? Yum. Ah, oo, anyway...

Witchking... Wait, hey, hey you! You! Yes, you! The one running away with all those apples! That's my private stash that its! Thief! Lousy, burglarin' blighter. What was I saying? Ah yes.

Q: Witchking, why are you evil?

WitchKing: Evil? Me? No way! *pause*  Ok. Maybe I am a leeetle evil... It runs in the family. *cackles*

Q: Say, Eowyn, why didn't you fight for Aragorn with Arwen?

Eowyn: Weeeell, I never really liked Aragorn in the first place. I mean, he's good looking and all, but just not for me. No, you hear that Aragorn? You're just not for me!

*sniff*   Anyway, I've changed my mind and now I'm after Faramir.

Q: Oh Faramir! Why haven't you proposed to me yet?

Faramir: (rolls eyes) Girls nowadays.. *shakes head in disbelief*  So outspoken and impatient. Of course I'll need to wait for the right time and place to prepare a nice ambience to propose to you, my dear! *looks pleased with himself*

Q: Hey Legolas, what on Middle Earth made you change your perception of Gimli?

Legolas: Gimli kind of grew on me over time. Besides, what you don't know is here in Middle Earth, short, hairy guys with gruesome manners are considered chick magnets...kind of like when a guy takes a scruffy puppy out for a walk, the women gather 'round to ooh and aahh over them...then they see who's got him on a leash and BAM!! I get lots of dates that way!

Q: Frodo- how is it that your little bottle of light that Galadriel gave you...the one you kept in your pocket...was never broken when you fell off cliffs, slipped down the mountain or fought with folks like Boromir?? It sure could have caused a nasty cut and who knows what kind of infection you could have gotten?!?

Frodo: Well.....I guess after a couple ages in Middle-earth, you're bound to produce a proper transparent polymer, those glass bottles went out long ago, we gotta keep up with the demand for helpful magical substances, and the matter of packaging was bound to come up sooner or later. That's when our consumer division in Rivendell created the new bottles.we call it earelymer.

Q: Gollum, what's with the split personalities/paranoia?

Gollum: Gollum has no spilt personality.

Yes Gollum have, Smeagol seen before.


Oh yes Gollum has.

Do not! Gollum, gollum.

Do too!

Q:  So Strider, have you ever thought of having a bath?

I do bathe! But then I put on my camouflage so that no one can see OR smell me. Besides, going through the woods, as we Rangers so often do, we tend to get a little dirty. But hey, at least I took a bath for my coronation . They had to keep reminding me not to put on my camouflage. Good old camouflage *sigh*.

Q: Arwen, when you first met Frodo, you were wearing one thing and glowing, then you stopped glowing and you were wearing something else. I know it wasn't Elf-magic, so how'd you do that?

Arwen: No! I've been exposed!  *presses a finger to her ear and speaks into her collar*

This is Phoenix 63 to Zeus, the eagle has flown the rest. Repeat, the eagle has flown the nest. Request immediate evac, over.

*she reaches into her dress and removes a strange silver cylinder.*  This won't hurt a bit... Just hold still for me... *a small red light starts to flash on the device, then suddenly explodes in white light*

I am in fact a fairy, the great-great-great-grandaughter of Tinkerbell. But that is not important. From now on you shall be my willing slave.... If I remember rightly, you were just about to buy me those lovely shoes over there....

Q: Mr Butterbur, how comes you have such a bad memory? You would have thought that in a pub you would have to remember many drink orders at the same time!

Butterbur: Just a moment, ma'am; I have to deliver these drinks...

Now, what was the question again?

Q: Tell me Pippin, how do you manage to eat and drink almost constantly and still keep that trim figure?

Pippin: I'm glad you asked, and that you noticed.  I jog a lot and do lot of exersizes.  Keeps me fit! It's really an addiction just like eating.... Just a sec. Let me finish fattening myself. (chomp munch, clatter of spoons & forks) Ah that went straight to my hips.
Well fair lady, you don't expect me to give away my secrets do you?  Actually it's no secret. If you followed Frodo around & conspired to know what he is up to, If you had to flee from orcs & live on nothing but Lembas & Ent drink for days, If you had to ride the rough but speedy ride from Rohan to Gondor with Gandalf on Shadowfax & offer your services to Denethor.....
.... Did I forget something?  Even if I did forget something the fact that I'm not as thin as a wraith surprises me.
(pats himself on the back for such a long explanation.)

Q: Hey Denethor, Why the bias between Boromir & Faramir? Poor Faramir.

Q: Treebeard don't you ever fall a sleep listening to yourself talk??

Denethor, moving slowly and with dignity beats Treebeard to the microphone, easily.

Bias? Are you implying that I, the Ruling Steward of Gondor am biased...? I know you, with your right hand you would shield your inquiry in pity for Faramir, and with your left you would seek to supplant my affections! I am not biased at all, I am a realist. Boromir gave much better presents on Father's Day, swords, fresh tomatoes and fine furry clothing! Faramir only gave me eating utensils and books - *sniff* and I can't read.

(Denethor turns to check the progress of Treebeard and finally just carries the microphone over to him)

Treebeard: Thank you....young master Denethor.... Do I ever....fall asleep..... while talking....? That is a very hard question. I....shall have to think about it.... zzzzzz...
goes immobile

Q: Now, Aragorn - tell us, how could you possibly manage (especially after hours of swinging a heavy sword when you were barely recovered from trauma and near-drowning) - to 'toss a dwarf' to the ramp of Helm's Deep? With all that mail on, I doubt you could have budged that dwarf, much less tossed him in an impossibly high arc.

Aragorn:  I know that Dwarf looks like some minature version of a giant from fairytales, but actually, *moves closer and whispers* he just has big bones. Yeah, poor guy huh. So that's how I could toss him over: he being rather light was a piece of cake for me.

Q: Oh by the way, Sam, why do you like gardening so much? Why not other hobbies like stamp collecting or train spotting?

Sam: It's not like I had a choice in the matter!!those SackvilleBagginzes....always eating me out of house and hole!  Not to mention those dratted Tooks...always finishing of my taters!!....Mr Frodo thinks I exaggerate but how would he know he does the same thing to poor old Bilbo.  With the price of Market Goods going up daily what's a hobbit to do?  "a bit of Gardenin'" "yes ma boy!", that's what my old Gaffer would say.....*Gaffer gives Sam thumbs up*

Q: Old Gaffer, why are you always spouting wise proverbs? And where do you get them from, anyway?

Old Gaffer:  Whallp... It's as easy as stickin' a pig in a poke, you know. One in the hand and two in the bush.  Me own da was always a-spoutin' along like a flock o' birds o' a feather, a talkin' proverbs to spite the nose off'n his face, and I s'pose I jes' learnt to do it likewise.  We were two peas in a pod, jes' goin' along together like ham and eggs and we crossed that bridge when we got to it.  Naow, my lad Sam, he ain't picked 'em up quite as thick as my da yet, he were as thick as a thieve's bowl o' pea soup on a foggy day, but I'm a larnin' him and after he sets in it a while like a pool o' molasses at milkin' time he'll pick 'em up.  A good proverb is a might powerful thing, like a sow's ear all turnt to gold, 'tis, an' more handy than a third arm on a five-legged horse.

Q:  Moria Orc #567 - what did you guys normally eat down in that dusty mine when there wasn't a mixed-meats smorgasborg of travellers walking through?

Orc: It wasn't as dusty a mine as you might think. It's actually quite clean down there. You see, when the Dwarves lived there, they set up these special tunnels that concentrate the wind and at the flip of a switch...WHOOSH...and all the dirt, grime, smell, and slow orc are swept away. It's nice not having those things lieing around. Wink
Well, anyway, back to your question. Now what was it. Ah yes, food. Well, another nifty thing that those Dwarves put in before we killed them all  was a supermarket. Yep, good ol' Dwarves. Too bad they had to die.

Q: Now, Bilbo, how did you manage to get back to your house so quickly and how did you, Gandalf, get there first?

Gandalf: "I'll answer first, if you please. I am older than you, Bilbo, after all. Right now, how did I get to Bag End first, you ask? Well I am a Wizard, dear child. I'm not sure if that has escaped your notice. I can do what I please, it's like "Beam me up Scotty" and I'm at Bag End. Ok, Bilbo, you may now speak."

Bilbo: "Thank you Gandalf. Well it's a little known fact, but the ring, you see, has more than just one power. It also has the power to make you grow wings, and I flew to my little Hobbit Hole, knowing that I may trip over several drunken Hobbits if I were to go on foot. Glad you asked though, as it clears up allot of things.

Q: Now a question for Chuggo  Just how much did you drink from that barrell at the party?

Chuggo: *Hic* Um...All of it I *Hic* think.*Hic*

Q: Ringwraith, how did you manage to come out of the tree on your horse when the four hobbits were under its roots after picking the mushrooms? I mean the tree wasn't wide evough nor the road wide enough for you to hide behind it on your horse.

Wraith: *points at self* Duh! Like, no body? Though it is a lesser known fact that my horse was also non-corporeal. Makes it handy when we have to pack for a trip, though. You can just kind of wad them up.

Q: Speaking of which, why did you throw a sack of mushrooms, Pippin? What sort of lame trick is that?

Pippin: T'was no trick! Truth be told, I got so freaked out by the creepy crawlers coming out all around me, I screamed my little girly scream and as I threw up my hands, I tossed the bag o'shrooms. Hey! It worked, didn't it??

Q: Eowyn...what was in that freakish stew anyway?

Éowyn: It's an old family recipe! Passed down from mother to daughter, things being added at each new generation. Seeing as how you seem to like it so much, i shall divulge the secret:

Take 3 ripe potatoes (you can tell they're ripe if they're growing) and slice them into eighths, making sure to include as much of the new shoots as possible for extra juiciness!. My great-grandmother always said the more green vegetables the better.

Slice and dice 2 turnips, 1 cabbage, 4 onions, a large handful of brussel sprouts, 2 bananas and a tangerine (my great-great-great-grandmother had this health-food thing going), then place them all in 2 litres of water.

Bring the concoction to the boil, then stir vigourously whilst adding some crumbled mint, the zest of a lime, a dash of ginger and some foxglove (that was my great-great-grandmother's choice, and afterwards there was a surprising rise in unknown deaths)

Once the mixture turns a sickly yellow, top up with another 2 litres of lukewarm water so that the colouring fades and remove from the heat. Pour in half a pound of salt to taste.

Add some ready-made dough balls, (my choice, the men seem to eat it better if they have something to play with) then serve if you have the inclination.

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