Ask the Characters....13

Gathered from the ongoing game at the Middle-earth board
Page 13 participants:   Dinledhwen, Durin the Deathless, Faramirgirl, Fellowshipfan, Frodosmiss, gentle-giant, Hobbitgirly,  Laiquendi, Lindorie, Loverofhobbits, Overlithe, Peredhil, Primula, Silivren Ithildin, Wanderer

Q: Grond--I'm curious...what exactly happened to you after the battle at Pelannor fields?

Grond: Those stupid orc! They dropped me in the River! Luckily I float, so I didn't sink to the bottom never to be heard from again. However, the water failed to put out the fire in my mouth, so as I floated, I also burned. That is why you have a pile of ash on a platter talking to you know instead of a Wolf's Head.

Q: Sam, what does the inside of your home look like?

Sam: Actually, my home is full of exercise equipment. Gollum's constantly calling me a fat hobbit really motivated me to get fit! Oh, and did you hear that I was able to talk the Green Dragon owner into stocking light ale? Merry says it tastes great. I say it's less filling. Unfortunately, I've had to distance myself a little from Pippin. That little guy would eat 12 meals a day if you'd let him! The guy ate a whole "loaf" of lembas, for gosh sakes! MMMMMmmmmm, Lembas......uh, excuse me. I need to raid the mean work out some more!

Q: Before you go, can you ask Shelob where she got that penguin looking bird that was all wrapped up and hanging from her cave? When I was hanging out there, I didn't see any birds flittin' about and I certainly didn't see any glaciers!

Shelob: Even a giant spider needs to get a little fresh air and vacation. It's a lot of hard work, trying to capture your prey, wrap them up, and then suck all the juice out of them. I just had to visit the south pole, and I wasn't disappointed at all. After all, I did find my self a little colony of fresh meat!

Q: Aragorn, do you think you could beat Legolas? (in a fair fight of course)

Aragorn: There's no such thing as a fair fight with an elf. Oh, sure, they look all pretty and they make it seem like they are too upright to cheat, but they're not as righteous as they look. If the fight was fair, I know I could beat him, or at least get his hair dirty.

Legolas: As if!! You might be able to take down a thousand orcs a minute and not even bat an eye when facing a pack of urukhai, but you couldn't beat a Keebler elf, let alone me!!

Aragorn: Listen here, Santa's little helper, we'll have to plan a cage match- best man...

Legolas: Elf!

Aragorn: Man wins. I'll get Gandalf to plan it...he likes planning things.

In the meantime, I've always wanted to ask this........

Q: Galadriel, why don't you wear shoes??

Galadriel: I don't wear shoes for personal reasons. Maybe I don't like to wear shoes because I like to feel the damp grass beneath my feet. Maybe I don't feel that any sort of shoe is worthy enough to be worn on my feet. *voice drops to a whisper*Or maybe my feet are too big for any shoe that we here possess.

Q: Aragorn, what is your favorite thing to eat besides Arwen face?

Aragorn: I prefer the finer things in life, exquisite chocolate truffles from Anfalas; decadent fine vin rouge from Umbar; the delectable taste of honey-dipped bread hand-made by the blind monks of Lebennin.

I also have a dreadful lust for fresh oven-baked scones smothered in smooth and light whipped cream, with a little smattering of the best strawberry jams in the whole of the kingdom. Sitting on the veranda at dawn, feeling the cool morning breeze coming off the river and the sun rising on the horizon, as i sip warm tea and munch slowly on the mouth-watering delights.

Pure heaven.

However, i have recently had to contend with dried leaves, mouldy berries, 14-day old swamp bread and a very disturbing lump of Bree. You can see why i'd be a little cranky in the mornings now...

Q: Mr. Bilbo Baggins, how does it feel to be the oldest Hobbit in the world?

Bilbo: It feels thin, sort of streched, like butter scraped over too much bread. Oh, I would like some nice, fresh bread right now. Oh! with tea as well! anyone else like a cup of tea? oh, what was it we were discussing again?

Q: Frodo, would you happen to remember where you lost my ring?

Frodo: Yes Uncle, I got rid of it. It's with my finger however and so it shant be lonely.

Q: Samwise Exactly what did you put in my last mug of tea?

Samwise: Aw, I was hopin' you hadn't noticed, Mr. Frodo. It was just a touch of somethin' to knock you out good 'n proper so you didn't do somethin' foolish like going on a boat. You know how dangerous they are! Sometimes you just hafta have a little help from your friends, you know, to overcome that Bucklander inbreedin'. My Old Gaffer always said, "Son, you remember now that hobbits don't float, not even a hobbit who's stuffed hisself with taters, even though taters, now taters they do float," and I think he knows whats what. Don't the time you wake the rest of the way up, there won't be no more boats over there and you won't have to worry.

Q: Gwaihir, you said you would bear Gandalf even if he were made of stone. But did you really mean that? I got the impression you Eagles might be a little wimpy when it came down to it.

Gwaihir: Whimpy!!! Whimpy Well master hobbit I think I shall have to pay a visit to that little community of yours and we shall see....As to Gandalf, of course I meant it, wizards are not to be trifled with after all and though he can be as thick as a brick that Gandalf is a useful fellow. I never did tell him I used his old staff as a support for a new nest, never hurts to keep a few secrets from an old friend. Always remember do not meddle in the affairs of wizards...well you know how the saying goes. So carry him I would...

Q: Eowyn: do you still like a good battle now and again or has the white lady truly been tamed?

Eowyn: *sigh* I suppose it was naive of me to think I could give up fighting altogether, a strong-willed, passionate woman like me. I have my moments when I really miss it, but my fighting style has changed a bit. My darling Faramir bought me 2 whole sets of crockery just for throwing! He's such a good sport. Didn't mind that little cut above the eyebrow a bit, and the making up is always quite....pleasant. The staff gets in a bit of a snit, though when they have to clean up the shards.

Q: Hey Eomer, my are so intense. Doesn't it get tiring glowering all the time?

Eomer: Glowering is such a negative term. I prefer Smoldering. Chicks dig that intensity, you know. Besides, I had to contend with all those other good lookin' characters...Legolas, who never had a hair out of place; Aragorn, who appealed to those who loved the unwashed, rugged look; Boromir with that boyish smile; Faramir had that mushy "I'll do anything for my woman" thing; and don't even get me started on Frodo's eyes....I had to have a signature thing, too! That intense smoldering "glower", as you call it, even looks good when I'm wearing that horse helmet!

Q: Celeborn- how does it feel to be married to such a sexy grandma? She even captured the heart of a dwarf! Did you mind that she gave him strands of her hair? I mean, didn't that seem like a strange thing for a married woman to do?

Celeborn: You might want to be careful who you call a sexy grandma. That'll just remind her that she's getting on in years, and we all know that she can go a little biserk.  And that wasn't the first time I had to watch her. She can get a lot of attention, but I know, deep down, she really loves me. Well, lets just say she wouldn't have married me if it weren't for all the jewerly, I mean, love that I had given her.  All in all, it's pretty nice knowing I have such a sexy wife.

Q: Treebeard, how goes the search for the entwives?

Treebeard: Hoom, boom, better than we let on, actually. In fact, those two young boom hobbits came by just the other day, saying they had found one, but were unable to hoom catch it. They did have a suggestion.


HOOM! Oh, yes, they suggested that we needed *takes breath* quicker people if we are going to be able to sit down and talk with them. Young master Meriadoc suggested asking the Rohirrim, Boom room, but, being their neighbor, I do not think they will be enthousiastic about a *takes breath* cattle drive, so to speak

Q: Young Master Meriadoc, how did you come upon the entwife, hmmm?

Merry: Well dear friend, I don't think I should be so hasty as to tell you that part just yet. I fear that you may relocate all of Fangorn to the Shire.....Ohhhh, oops. Now that was quite the Tookish thing to do. I guess Id best make room, and warn the rest of the Shire if all the ents will be passing by to look for new wives....

Q: Pippin - Why in Middle Earth didn't you stop me before I spilled the beans?

Pippin: Well, I just always follow whatever you're doing, Merry! You spill the beans, I spill the beans, and then there's beans all over the place and I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Of course letting you go first in everything sometimes gets us both into trouble, or at least me, but you're always there to get me back out. Hey, let's go make a big pot of chili!

Q: Gimli - all the people around you seemed to have names for their weapons. What did you name your axe?

Gimli: Ye must remember that I have more than one. There's the two trowing axs, Smaug and Balrog. There's the one strapped to my hip, Durin. And then there's my walking ax, Balin. I named the last two after other famous Dwarves so that they can keep getting their revenge on the orc. I didn't name the two throwing axs after any Dwarf because nobody, not even me, tosses a Dwarf! Says under breath: With the exception of Aragorn in Helm's Deep, but that's just between me and him.

Q: Hey Elves! Why didn't you guys help Legolas bring down that olimpic torch carrier that blew up the wall at Helm's Deep?

Elves: *blushing with embarrassment* Well we would have but one of us developed a bad hair malfunction that needed all of our attention right away! Then there was the hang nail incident after that which was very painful so you can see we were pretty busy at the time.

Legolas: *snorts* Excuses! Excuses!

Elves: *angrily retorts* Hey now whose side are you on? Besides you shouldn't be saying too much Mr. Perfect since you MISSED hitting the orc in a place that would bring him down.

Legolas:*smiles confidently* I didn't miss him at all. If you look at the script it said I was to only wound him, not kill him. So there! *gives Elves a raspberry*

Q: Say Aragorn what did it feel like having the wall blow up under your feet?

Aragorn: It was refreshing, invigorating even! Aired out my armpits very well too, and after all that sword-swinging they really needed it. Whoo! And hey, did you see how high it shot me? Who-hoa! Big air! Yeah. Let's do it again sometime. Without all those rocks flying around, though.

Q: Haldir, that contingent of Elves you brought in were really great at marching, but they didn't seem able to hit the broad side of a barn when they began to fight. Were they the rejects from the boats or what?

Haldir: Oh, um, :::blushes::: When Elrond sent Galadriel a mind-mail, we didn't have anyone ready to fight. We only had a little time and so we had to pick the most important thing and just work on that. We all agreed looking good was MOST important for an Elf. So we just marched. None of them really knew how to fight.

Q: Now, Sauron, what did you plan on doing with the Ring once you got it back? You are just an eye! Where were you going to put it?

Sauron: Of course I would back into my handsome and gorgous self. And I would turn everything into a beautiful green place to live in, everything blooming everyone happy.

Of course I wouldn't do that  - I would make everything mine, and live like a king, and make the hobbits my slaves mwuhahahahaha and make Aragorn bow  to me.
But noooooo,  that stupid silly gollum had to trip and fall into mount doom with my ring!!!

Q: So Mr. Bill the Pony what did you think about Sam, he was so nice to you?

Bill the Pony: Neighhhhh.....not to be confused with Nay. Of course he was good to me it wasnt at all an act. Sean, I mean...Sam was wonderful, lotsa apples in my contract you see. And I am no fool of a pony I know a good gig when I see one and anything was better than Bree. That Bill Ferney well, @*%&$, I oughta *$#%&)@ him in the %*# :). Ah but then I guess I should try to follow the example of the Ringbearer after all he was treated far worse than I in the end and he managed to forgive and let it all go....My Sam would't like it to know I have had such I've taken up yoga and decided to focus on the positive things. Prancing in the fields with Tom Bombadil was lovely...there is a nice little mare over there I'd love to see again.

Q: So TOM: How is the Rivermaiden these days?

Tom: Well since no one seems to know....ohhhh I know I didn't call Tom properly....

Hey Tom Bombadillo! he is a merry fellow...yada yada....

Master pony that is quite enough...get over there and learn your manners from ole Fatty Lumpkin....

Goldberry is the question I hear...Well my fair river maiden is off dancing amongst the reeds. Nothing new but still a joy to see.

Q: King Thoeden: If I may ask much does Snowmane weigh, mayhap some light oats would have done you both some good?

Theoden: ah, yes ... you've noticed ... but of course ... actually, we're both corn-fed -- along with many other things that we eat on a much-more-than-regular-basis ... which may or may not go without saying ....

( please excuse me while i let out my belt one notch .... )

but, yes ... to paraphrase yet another "corn-fed" leader-of-sorts from one of those OTHER movies ...

"Yes ... you may ask .... "

Q: SARUMAN -- Do your hairdresser AND manicurist share office-space in the same low-rent strip-mall? or -- dare i even consider this -- do you actually have to make TWO trips to get that ... gulp ... done???

Saruman: Well if you must know, i was going for a totally different look. The insane megomaniac old wizard type stuff was a bit over the top, in my opinion. I would have preferred something a little less subtle, maybe a nice pinstripe suit and a perm? Then it would definitely give the impression of an industrialised future!

However, as it turned out, Gríma had done an undergraduate course in hairdressing and colour design (in retrospect i really should have asked him what grade he got before accepting). And as you can see, it was a stunning failure. Although i do believe he managed to get rid of my grey roots.

It also transpired that one of my Orc grunts/underlings, Túshrálk the Lesser, had done an online course in nail repair and fashion design. Well, who was I to pass up the chance to have it done for free! You're not going to get better quality than that, especially if you hold a burning hot poker over their heads while they work.

When it was all done i realised the folly of my actions, but by then it was too late and Gandalf was riding into Isengard looking like a reject from last years Jean-Paul Summer season.

Note to self, next time don't trust the enslaved help.

Q: Now, my good friend Bob the Balrog, what would you have done if you had taken the Ring from Frodo?

Balrog: Well I would have ruled the world and became the King of Gondor and Aragorn would of been my Steward and Arwen would have been my beautiful Queen. The orcs would have rebuilt my city and become salves to all of Gondor. Faramir would have been sent back to the Shire with the hobbits to help them get rid of the evil that fall upon them well they were here. Eomer would have became King of Rohan, and Rohan and Gondor would be friends and help each other out. So the world would be a back to normal.

Q: Sam why did you not marry Rosie before you left to Shire to travel with Frodo?

Sam: "Well, the truth be told, before we left for our adventures I was much too shy to ask her for her hand in marriage. Afterwards I knew how precious life is and I had to go for it. I am still just amazed that she said yes!"

Q: Theodred, how bad did you feel not getting to say even one word in the movie?

Theodred: Man was I ever bummed out!!!!! I would have thought that since I'm King Theoden's son that at the very least I would have gotten one line of dialogue. But NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! And then the writers go and give that pointy eared princeling all kinds of dialogue!!!!! Something smells here!!!!!!

Q: *snickers evilly* Say Legolas did you memorize your lines while you were getting your hair and nails done?

Legolas: I think that it had more to do with the shampoo that was being use. It has made me smarter and I had no problems remembering my lines. The nail polish kinda of made me high so I would not really read my lines.

Q: So Aragorn why is your hair always more dirtier then the rest of the fellowships hair?

Aragorn: Because I had to do most of the "Grunt" work for the whole group! I know Legolas and Gimli had a counting contest going on to see who killed more of the bad guys, but, if you put their numbers together, you were getting closer to the number I had killed. And I also had to go out and hunt the food for the group. I just didn't have the leisure time to wash my hair like they did. Can we ever drop the subject of my hair?

Q: Gandalf, was it fun to surprise us all when you were back?

Gandalf: Ahah! Great fun! You all thought I'd pegged it, but no!! Serves you right for wimping out on the Balrog, ehhh.

The looks on their faces was priceless! Absolutely priceless! I was thinking about coming back as something else really, you know, to leave them all in the dark until the final shock twist.

A hunky, sword-wielding Man; A fair damsel in distress; The innocous and unremarkable geek in their midst; even thought of appearing as Sauron himself just to give them a good shock.  However, the new Gandalf was just as good. Cleaned up, and scrubbed down. Finally managed to shift the dirt out of my cloak too! I think I may take up a new occuptaion... practical joker of the west!

Q: Now, Imrahil, didn't you wish for even a minute that after Denethor died you would be King of Gondor?

Imrahil: Nope I never did. Denethor was a 100% fruitcake so I didn't want to have to deal with the mess he left!

Q: Say Gimli son of Gloin I hear that the Lady Galadriel gave you three of her golden hairs. So what are you planning on doing with them?

Gimli: Well...saving them as a momento of course...a little glass a little stone frame....I think they will look quite nice. Of course if things get bad I could sell my keepsake on Ebay...I hear stuff from the Third Age fetches a fair price.

Q: Frodo, Do you really think Sam is going to follow you into the west? I mean I know he was a ring bearer and all..

Frodo: Oh, I think he will. Before we left Hobbiton I, um, 'liberated' his prize-winning recipe for potato and mushroom pie. It was his only copy. He'll be after me one way or other.

Q: By the way, Gaffer, how are your taters growing these days?

Gaffer Gamgee: Wahhhlp, they're growin' right fine, thank'ee for askin' - All them ashes and po-tash and such from all that scourin' and burnin' made some right nice ee-mendments for mah soil here, and I think they've never been so quick to put up their kee-ute little shoots before. Ain't they just the most precious little taters you ever saw? Look at this one over here. Plump as a blueberry it is, with more eyes than a roomful o' children at a pie-bakin' contest. 'Course some folk were sayin' it was that itty bit o' dirt that my Sam done sprinkled on it, but I know better. Tweren't enough dirt in that lot to grow a pea much less a nice fat tater. But you know, folk'll believe most anythin' if you say it often enough.

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