Ask the Characters....10

Gathered from the ongoing game at the Middle-earth board
Page 10 participants:  Aragorn-Lover, Daisy Gold, Daughter of Kings, Dinledhwen, Entswife, Frodosmiss, Hobbitgirly, JoyfulElf, Laiquendi, Lindorie, Nin Maldor, Primula,
Yaviel of Lorien

Q: Hey, woodwrights of Gondor, what's your favorite tree?

Woodwright: Well... we used to make the finest coffee-tables and wardrobes out of this exotic kind of wood called entwyffe in the old tongue, but it seems to have grown scarce. Then we made lots of souvenir Gondorian bowls and candlesticks from White Trees, but when we got down to that last one the Stewards wouldn't let us use it, can you believe it? It was even dead, I mean, what good was it doing them? I offered to carve it into a nice totem pole or something for them, but nothing doing. Sheesh. Politicians....

Q: Speaking of wood, Treebeard - why are your eyes so deep and endless? Do you have really oblong eyeballs or what?

Treebeard: You WHAT!!!, evil, foul, ...There is no curse in any language for your treacurey!!(?)Well at least now we know where they went and if we'll ever find them again! No wonder they left!
Ehem... anyway. My eyes are not oblong as you say, they are just long, no ob.

Q: Hey Mouth of Sauron, why don't you stitch up your splits around your mouth?

Mouth of Sauron: It quite the evil fashion statment in Mordor these days. *smiles evily* Haven't you ever looked into the Mordor Fashion magazine?

Q: Speaking of fashion, Legolas, how do you keep your hair to clean and nice 99.99999% of the time?

Legolas: I'm afraid it's an old family secret passed down through the ages so if I were to tell you then I would have to do something nasty to you like make you sit and watch the Dwarf eat and belch which believe me is a truly disgusting sight!

Q: Now tell me Sam what was the "something unnatural" that you were afraid of that Gandalf would turn you into for eavesdropping?

Sam: (spluttering) Why, Lobelia o' course! I was that afraid, I was, that he'd go an' turn me into one o' those nasty Sackville-Bagginses and then Mr. Frodo wouldn't let me in his house no more, nor let me eat with any o' his lovely silver utensils.

Q: Mr. Gandalf, sir - Why do you wear such a big hat?

Gandalf: Let's just say a particular Wizard cursed me with a thousand years of continuous bad hair days...
It's never a good idea to argue over the colour of your cloak with a Wizard, I can tell you!

Q: Elvish Smiths, so how do you turn a sword like Sting into a glowing lightsabre then?

Elvish Smiths
This secret which we will now reveal has been passed down through countless mums the word...
On a moonlit night when there is a R in the month you tip toe down to the forge and say three times the magic words # *h* **g*c *o**s # .

The results are quite amazing.

If this fails you can always try what we usually do drop the sword into a bucket of flourescent paint

Q: Isildur, Why did you keep those broken bits of sword?  What a tacky heirloom. Could you not have got one with more style and glitter?

Isildur: I tried to get a new one but all the sword smiths had died in battle. Sheesh! Now why they went and did that I don't know. How thick could ya get?

Q: Strider, I thought you carried that broken sword around with you. I mean it was written that when you first met the Hobbits you told them who you were almost immediately and pulled out the poor broken thing. Why is it that when we see you in Sam's film he made with his camera phone you don't do this?

Strider: Hey, I was just as surprised as anybody! I was, like, whoa - who glued my sword together, you know? But I didn't want to make an issue of it, as I'd just met them. Maybe it was all that toffee that Gandalf was chewing last time we'd met, he was looking at those shards. My guess is his toffee-covered fingers stuck it together. And it held up in battle too! Wizard toffee is an amazing thing.

Q: Frodo, why did you just drop your sword and cower on Weathertop? Whatever happened to taking a stab at that old King?

Frodo: Well to be honest, I was so amazed by his appearance he just caught me of guard.
And then when I wanted to take a stap back, there was this big rock that I'm sure you didn't notice Cool and I fell over it *coughing while speaking these words* the sword was to heavy.

Q: Brego why did you run away at the entrance of the death city?

Brego: Uh, hellooooo...the big gate opened and thousands of sweaty, slimy, ugly guys came out with sharp sticks, what was I supposed to do? Tricks? Offer them a pony ride? Ask for a lump of sugar? No...I turned tail and got myself right out of there. A better question would be why did those guys stay?

Q: Actually, I have a question for Gimli. You spent a lot of time on horseback, sitting behind Legolas. Did his hair smell as pretty as it looked?

Gimli: No. I refuse to go into detail, but let's just say he gets his shampoo from the horse stalls. *shudder*

Q: Theoden, when Saruman's spell was broken, where did the hair from your long grey beard go? After you were back to normal, you had your short red-orangish beard back.

Theoden: It all spontaneously fell out, quite amazing really - I only hope that the rest of my hair doesn't go and fall out in the same way or I'd be bald as a billiard ball and my crown wouldn't fit anymore.

Q: Eowyn, the books describe you as standing in the shadow of Theoden's throne. Does this mean you are a lot shorter than we think you are?

Eowyn: It has nothing to do with my height. It has everything to do with all of those spotlights you have shining on your throne...they cast a mighty long shadow. And then, there's the light you use to ward off your Seasonal Affective Disorder, your tanning light, and that silly lamp that is shaped like a women's leg, covered in a fishnet stocking that came from Fragile. Oh, and that disco ball and strobe lights don't help, either!

Q: Hey, Merry and Pippin! I notice that you spend a lot of time drinking big mugs o'ale and you've been seen under the influence on several occasions. Do you think you may have a problem with the sudsy stuff?

Merry: *hic* Ya what?

Pippin: *gets up slowly and turns to face the wall* I have absolutely no idea what you could on earth be not on *hic*

Merry: Yes, i second that statement of so called factual... fact!

Pippin: *raises his pint in a toast to the wall* Indeed my fine fellow! I agree with myself too!

Merry: *leans towards the wall* I believe... he is talking to you, old chap.

Pippin: Ehhh... What? Who ya talkin' to Merry, me old pal, mate, friend, companion, acquaintance of barely amicable situation...

Merry: I believe i was a-talkin' to myself, indeed, yes *hic, then collapses unconcious on the table*

Q: Oh yes, a question, hmmm, yes, a question! Question, hmm, question, to ask.... Muzgash! What sorta name is Muzgash anyhoo??

Muzgash: (snarl, snort) Whut, you gotta problem wid dat? Me momma named me dat, at least I think she did, don't rightly recall me momma... snuffle, snort...think it means Smell o' da Armpits, right poetic dat is, yah? Now Shagrat, whut kinda name is dat I ask you? Still think that shiny shirt shoulda been mine...snort...

Q: Speaking of odd names, Lotho, how did you end up with the appelation of "Pimple" on your name?

Oh, I've tried OxyClean. I've tried toothpaste. I've even tried an Athelas paste! You name it; I've tried it. Nothing works! Let's just not talk about it any more. It's a sore spot. No pun intended.

Q: Treebeard Where can I pick up a small bottle of Ent Draught? Ha-Room!

Treebeard: Ent Draught? Well, i'm pretty sure you can pick that up in Thresher's wine store, or maybe even Unwins.
Failing that though, just pop down to your local store, they sell everything in there!

Q: Now, Sauron, I was just wondering, since you chose to become a giant eye, have you received any hassle from the lawyers of Channel four, over breach of copyright concerning their big brother logo consisting of a giant eye"?

Sauron: But I AM Big Brother!

*annoying BigBrother music starts*

Day 27 in the Big Brother House. Sauron and Arwen have slept in, whilst the other housemates prepare breakfast.

Merry has been getting ready for this afternoon's task: The Egg and Spoon race. Each housemate has to run up and down the lawn, juggling eggs as they go.
This has proven a sore point for both Merry and Sam due to the fact they are completely engulfed by the sacks.

Meanwhile, in the Diary Room, Éowyn has spent the second night moaning about Aragorn's lack of hygiene.

This afternoon's lazy sunbathing sessions by Sauron and Bilbo have lead to a new understanding between the troublesome housemates, although someone has not been taking this very well.

Earlier today, Éomer was spotted tampering with Sauron's sack, but will the other housemates discover his deception?

Who will go? Who will stay? You decide! Vote now!

Q: Now, Galadriel, how exactly did you discover the fantastical future-seeing properties of Lothlórien's water?

: It was the oddest thing! Every time I would drink it, I had visions of all the future events of my innards, and the meals I would have. This was a little disturbing, I must admit. Then after bathing in it, I had visions of future baths, complete with hydro-jets and loofah backbrushes, neither of which had even been invented then. I began to suspect there was something to it when I dabbled my toes in it and immediately knew that in the future I would have foot-fungus and be forced to go barefoot for an entire season and then it happened!.

After Celeborn filled the birdbath with it, I was leaning over it to scrape the algae and bird-stuff off the bottom of it when I suddenly found myself looking at the future of all of Middle-earth. My! What a whirlwind tour it was too. Now we've gotten used to it, of course, and found it a beneficial side-business in selling premium tickets to view it. Want to take a look? We're having a half-off special tonight.

Q: Celeborn, it must be difficult at times to live in the shadow of your wife. Doesn't she ever let you borrow that ring of hers, even for a while?

Celeborn: Ring? She has a Ring??? Other than the wedding ring I gave her? Blasted woman. Always did act too good for me. Not sure why she even agreed to marry me in the first place. I don't know what I was struck, I guess. It's not every Middle-earth-born elf who gets a chance to marry one of the offspring of Finarfin. I fancied myself an Elven Prince and all I got to be was second fiddle to an ice queen in a big treehouse.

Q: By the way, Grima....why the strange make up?

Grima: Make up? What make up?

*someone leans over and whispers something in his ear*

What?!? This is my face!!! Alien Can I help it if this is what I look like!?!

*someone whispers something else in his ear*

What's that? There's a cosmetic surgery place down the lane!? Why didn't you tell me this before?!

*goes running off tripping on his robe as he goes. Someone else steps up*   I didn't think he could run that fast. Actually, I didn't think he could run at all!

Q: Okay, a question. Hey Hobbits, what kind of salsa do you like? Mild, medium, hot, spicy, what?

Merry: I prefer just tomatoes...

Pippin: It was pretty good after Frodo kicked some ash into it!

Merry: Sam prefers spicy, but Frodo likes it HOT. He forgot the taste of food whilst in Mordor and he needs it HOT to help him remember. Besides, once you've been to the fires of Mount Doom, how could you go mild?

Gollum: What's tomatoes, precioussss??

Sam: To-ma-toes...boil 'em, mash 'em, dip 'em with a chip!

Gollum: Pbbbbtt! You can keep your nassty chips!

Sam: Hey! It beats Eowyn's stew!

Q: Faramir- How come you stayed behind while the rest went off to the Black Gate? Even Merry, who was sprawled out after poking the Witch-King in the back of the leg, was able to make it! You didn't look like you were too much the worse for wear!

Faramir: Does the word 'Eowyn' mean anything to you? I mean, really, was there much of a choice? Blonde bombshell in need of 'comfort' or certain death. I tried that certain death thing once before...not again.

Q: Hey Celeborn were you on 'medication' or something when you and your lady first met the Fellowship?

Celeborn: Gandalf supplies me with all my "medication", why do you think i missed him so much?! Oooo... look at all the lovely colours. Reds, greens, pinks, bright yellows, deep blues... Hey! How comes Frodo's got two heads?! Wooohooo, let's dance!

Q: Aragorn, why do you have so many nicknames then?

Aragorn: Well, you know, some folks collect spoons, or battle flags, that sort of thing. I collect nicknames. They're a lot of fun, and not so heavy to pack around when you're walking all over Middle Earth.

Q: Shelob, How did it feel to get beaten by those two little hobbits, after you'd been taking out Orcs for so many years?

First of all, I believe I beat the first hobbit. That was no silk designer gown he was wearing when the second one came along! As far as that second one goes, he didn't beat me. I noticed I had a run in my silk stocking from that silly blue sword and I just couldn't be seen out in public like that, so I withdrew to my room to fix it! When I came back, some orcs took my new play toy and I could hear the other one grunting his way up the stairs. I figured he was a bit constipated and was going to take care of his business, so I just packed up my stinger and went home.

Q: Hey, Moria cave troll, how does it feel to have been done in by a pretty boy?

Moria Cave Troll: He was quite dashing looking wasn't he? *sighs in envy* And that hair of his! What I wouldn't do to have such perfect blonde locks like his!

Q: So, Elladan, do you ever go anywhere without Elrohir?

Elladan: (mutters) I wish! He follows me everywhere, everywhere I tell you! I guess it's just the little brother looking up to the older one...

Elrohir: Now wait a minute, I'm the older one, and I'm just looking out for junior - you need someone to watch you...

Elladan: No, I'm the older one.

Elrohir: Are not.

Elladan: Am too.

Elrohir: Are not. Aaaaadaaaaa.... Elladan's doing it again - it's my turn to be the older one.

Elladan: Is not. I had to be the younger one last time.

Q:  This is a question addressed to Lurtz:  When Aragorn has stabbed you in the chest, why do you move foward and let the weapon go inside you more? Wouldn't it just be more painful?

Lurtz: Nah, remember Saruman said we didn't feel pain. Besides, once it's in there, a little more don't make no difference. Kinda upset the little guy, didn't it?

Q: Hey Sam...if you were supposed to be looking after Frodo and taking care of him....Why'd you let him fall down so many times?

Sam: Because once he collapsed it would be MINE!!! Mine, all mine! I would be the Lord and Master! Mwhahahahahahahahaha!
What? That's not in the script? Wait.... who gave me the joke copy?!?!

Q: Imrahil, how comes you were suspiciously absent from the films?

Imrahil: Budget cuts!!

Q: Hey Eowyn, where did you learn to sing?

Eowyn: Well Saruman sent us this nun and Uncle nearly fell in love with her... and cut up curtains to make dresses for all the children in Helms Deep and sang songs about white flowers...

Q: to Brego the horse:  What was it like kissing Aragorn?

Brego: Neigh, neigh, you are mistaken in what you saw.  I saw this rather scruffy looking guy who needed a bit of a clean up. So I gave him a lick or two.  I hope he got the hint.

Q: Sam. You say 'this is the farthest I have ever been from home' when you were in the middle of a corn field. What were you doing in that field first time round that you got no further than the middle of it?

Sam: My Gaffer said I should be outstanding in my field. But since I don't have a field of my own I just picked one.

Q: Beggin' your pardon Legolas but what were you doing during the time you weren't with us there in Lothlorien?

Legolas: Flossing, mostly. I lost my toothbrush in Moria someplace and just couldn't stand it anymore. Afterwards, a bit of ballroom dancing and tree-climbing competitions, a fashion show for the newest styles in hair thingys and a couple bungee-jumping rounds from the highest mallorn. Woo, I get a buzz just thinking about it! Oh, and lamenting Gandalf, of course. Why? What were the rest of you guys doing?

Q:  Arwen, what was it like growing up with everyone always telling you that you were the most beautiful thing ever to walk Middle-earth? Any pressure?

Arwen: in a Now if they had said I was the second most beautiful...that would have been pressure, but when I was already at the top...*sigh* no pressure.

Q: Hey Fredegar, how did you like sharing your nickname with a pony?

Fatty: It was my name first! So there weren't much I could do about what someone else goes and does... truth be told, Tolkien was struggling to find more names befitting the solid sort, instead of the lofty Elvish variety...

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