Q: A question for Faramir: In the
movies you suddenly showed an intimate knowledge of the sewer system of
the city of Osgiliath. Don't you think it a little strange that a
ranking leader like yourself should be on such terms with the sewers?
What have you been doing down in those pipes?
Faramir: Well, it's
actually rather embarassing. Boromir and I, when we were children, used
to give our nurse the slip whenever we came to Osgiliath. Father had
dreams of restoring the city one day and moving the capital of the
country from Minas Tirith to Osgiliath, the way it used to be, long
ago. Anyway, Boromir is the one that came up with the idea to go
exploring on our own. Our Nurse had stopped in the market to visit with
old friends (she was from Osgiliath originally,) and we slipped off.It
was several hours before we finally made an appearance again.
Father was greatly displeased and we were punished rather severely, as far as punishments go for noble children. As I recall, Boromir could not ride his new horse for several weeks and had to do several extra lessons. I had lessons of my own and a visit to my Uncle Imrahil's cancelled. We both had to write apologies to our nurse for scaring her and essays on the proper behavior for the sons of the Steward. Boromir was quite put off about all this writing. It never was his favorite subject in school. I helped him a bit. He grumbled mostly about the letters to our nurse...we both knew that she couldn't read. I read the letters to her when they were completed.
Unfortunately that visit wasn't our last. Almost every time we went to Osgiliath, Boromir managed to talk me into exploring once again. A couple of times, after he had his 15th birthday and I my 10th, we even managed to sneak off to Osgiliath on our own. The last time it happened, Father decided that he could not compete with our curiosity and made certain that we at least had an escort. The members of the Guard that attended us weren't especially thrilled with the duty at first, but eventually, they too found the sewers and catacombs beneath the city fascinating.
Q: Dwarves, Now that the dead have been removed from that cave, why can't we go settle there? (ignore that EE earthquake!) What do you think we should do there?
Gloin: Hmmm.... (Gloin scratches his head and nudges Gimli, who wakes up and answers)
Gimli: Huh, humph, what? Oh, the caves, the caves all those dead lads were in? Not a bad idea, though I would say their housekeeping left something to be desired. Did you see the sorry state of those skulls? Ach! What our people could do, given enough time! Why, we could start a scrimshaw emporium, if there weren't any good mining to be had. Not a bad idea!
Pippin: Well... it was so shiny, you
know, like an apple just ready to come off the tree... no, that's not
it, really... it was perfectly round, like a ripe honeydew melon...
er... it was such a shade of deep amber brown, you know... like a fine
ale... mmm, ale... I believe I'll have another pint!
Q: Now Pippin, can you tell us: what in the world made you ignore Gandalf and Merry and go look in that Palantir anyway?
may have noticed we light up Lothlorian pretty well at night, but the
darned contractors only put one outlet at the bottom of the Mallorn
Grove! You can imagine the knot of wires and such all hooked into one
extension chord. I guess I accidentally stepped on it. Made for a
dramatic point though, don't you think?
Now would somebody please find Grima so he can answer his question. Check the sewer, Faramir...
( A slight scuffle breaks out as Grima and Galadriel both lunge for the microphone at the same time)
Galadriel: Ladies first, or I'll make you look really, really closely at my EYES!
Grima: *whimpers* No, not that...
Galadriel: Now, you were asking about that radioactive moment? How was I to know the contractor who was fixing my Mirror had left that circuit open? Hm? I ask you! It was bad enough that it melted the mesh on my corset together like that, it took me forever to fix my hair.
Grima: (sidling back up to the microphone) ...I always wished I had listened to what my mother had told me...
Galadriel: Hard to believe you had a mother. *sniff*...but what did she tell you?
Grima: I don't know - I didn't listen!
Galadriel: Look into my EYES!
Grima: No, no... which eye? The right eye or the left eye?
Galadriel: Both, look into them BOTH!...
Q: Frodo - What's with the falling down all the time?
Sam: Oh, well, it seems that it's
a habit you know. It's what the Gardeners around here are called and
seeing how he was my Dad and he was the oldest...Besides, it's such an
easy word to shout when you are killing orcs!
Q: Merry: what's with eating apples anyway?
Merry: Well it was suppose to be pineapples, you know. It's
just that Peter didn't read it right and tossed apples in there. Still,
it would have really hurt my head had Aragorn thrown a pineapple.
Q: Say, Aragorn. How come you led Éowyn on? I mean, didn't you know that she thought you were throwing your handkerchief down for her.
Aragorn: Hey now, I think it's reasonable for a future King
to keep all his options open, don't you? It's a long and honorable
tradition with royalty. Rohan was the logical political alliance... and
it's not like Arwen seemed to be in any hurry, I mean we'd been only
dating for, like, fifty years.
Besides, Eowyn didn't look so bad even if she did have a tendency to smell like horses and run a little violent. I'd say my Steward got himself a pretty good catch, wouldn't you?
Q: Arwen, this question is for you - exactly how did you manage to pull off that water trick at the Ford, when it was supposed to be your Dad's job?
Arwen: Oh give me a break! I hadn't seen Aragron for forty
years or something ridiculous, so I was eager to see him again. Daddy
wasn't too hard to convince. I must admit though, Gandalf was real
peeved that I called up the water like that. I learned real quick that
it's not good to tick off a wizard.
Q: Hey Gandalf, Tell me, didn't you get just a little burned when you were fighting with that Balrog? I mean, you were just tumbling down on top of him for ages.
Gandalf: It's called SPF 500 my dear, direct from
Valinor to you at only $99.99 (not included p&p), comes complete
with a Yavanna-shaped bath sponge and a gen-u-ine Laurelin loofer made
before the tree died!
Guaranteed for protection up to 2000 degrees in the shade. Order now for a special edition Mint-flavour!
And are you kidding! I had some people call me Gandalf the Black!
All my Gray things were a mess, that when I decided it was time for a
change of clothes. When I asked Galadriel to sew me one the only color
she keeps around is white for her own dresses, so I just had to go with
Q: Now, Sauron, why did you choose to become a massive eye? And Legolas: How come at the Battle of Helms deep when it really mattered, you couldn't kill that one guy with the torch to keep him from blowing up the wall!? I mean, every other guy you've ever tried to kill you can do it with a fancy twist at the end!
Sauron: I went for the eye because Mick Jagger had the lips
thing all sewed up...and don't even get me started on what Michael
Jackson did with the nose!!
Legolas: C'mon, Gandalf. Can't an elf cut a break around here? It thought he was on Survivor and Jeff Probst hadn't announced that the tribe had spoken, so what was I to do??
Q: Hey, Sam! What was with wearing those pots and pans when you put on that Orc Armor? It's not like any of the other Orcs were wearing their T-Fal!
Sam: Well I couldn't bring myself to just toss them, you
know. And they did look like a bit of armor as well, in a very trendy
orc-ish sort of way. And you never know when you're going to run into a
coonie, even in Mordor. Although coonies probably don't live in Mordor.
But maybe a ferret or two.
Q: Hey Gothmog, haven't you looked at yourself in a mirror lately? I'd consider an extreme makeover if I were you! And how did you become the head honcho anyway?
Gothmog: No mirrors, I say no mirrors! As for becoming head
honcho, it was all down to when I got my arm tied back on. Sauron
thought I was pretty brave having my arm lobbed off and then tied back
on again. (Unlike Lurtz, notice how he gave up when his body parts
started flying) So, I got the top job.
Q: This one is for Lurtz. People tell me that you are pretty harmless now (sorry, that was a sick joke at your expense). So, what were you thinking as your head went flying through the air?
Lurtz: (speaking from his silver platter in the historical museum at Minas Tirith)
'Oh boy! No more maggoty bread!'...and noticing how everything was kind of whirling around, like a carnival ride. Also, my arms didn't bother me anymore.
Q: Old Gaffer, what do you hold against wearing ironmongery? Don't you think it has a distinct advantage over weskits when there are ruffians about?
Gaffer: Any sensible hobbit wouldn't need ironmongery, as instead of raising Ruffians, he'd be raising Russets! And why is a disembodyed head talking to me in the first place? Shouldn't you be on the 18th green of the Bullroarers?
Q: So here is my question: Haldir -- Why in the world did you let that no-good sneak into Lothlorien in the first place. Do your elven eyes need spectacles, or is your aim so bad that you couldn't just shoot him as he ran?
Haldir: It's all this weird radioactive Galadri-light, does
strange things to ya peepers it does, oh yes. I tell ya, I get so
confused sometimes I end up miles and miles from where I'm suppose to
Q: So, Mr. Ringwraith, sir, tell me how a broomstick looks anything like a sleeping Hobbit??
Wraith: (hisses) How were we to know? Hard to see anything since I lost my body way back when - I'd like to see you try to navigate the countryside on a slavering horse with a ton of black fabric you're supposed to 'give shape' to and no head. Besides, with all those stuffed pillows around them they sure looked fat enough to be hobbits...
Q: Harry Goatleaf - so what if there are four hobbits? You even have a door for them at their own height and then you go acting all surprised when some of them show up at your gate? Duh!
Harry: Well it was raining, and you know how particular those
Hobbits are about their looks. Wet Hobbit's are not very attractive and
they smell to boot. So yes, I was surpised, I admit it.
Besides, I'm not the brightest light on the tree .