*rubs hands together and clears throat* Smeagol vs Gollum!
Gandalf: Well, let's see. We've has brother against brother, Dwarf
against Elf, Man against . . . thing, Hobbit against monster, chick against
chick, Elf against Man and Hobbit against . . . thing.
Saruman: Could it GET any more boring?
Gandalf: Probably--but whose complaining?
Saruman: I am.
Gandalf sighs Fine, but anyway, here comes Peregrine again to announce our next contestents.
Saruman: Oh, whoop-dee-do.
Peregrine leaps out onto the stage and looks out into the audieance. There she sees the Hobbits and a certain special Mirkwoodian Elf and she waves merrily at them. They cheer and wave back, Frodo and Legolas blowing her kisses. This goes on for a while until--
Saruman: Oh, now THIS is a match. snorts What excitment.
Peregrine: Shut up, Shark-boy. Now, here come our next contestents: in this corner we have Gollum!
From out of nowhere a skinny, boney Hobbit-ish creature leaps up onto the stage, his great eyes bulging in the light. He hisses at the crowd and then his eyes fall on Frodo. Frodo quails backwards and Sam shakes a fist at Gollum. And Peregrine is also glaring none-too-fondly at the little sneak
Peregrine: And in this other corner over here we haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave--Smeagol!
Gollum races around to the other side of the ring and leaps back into the ring, grinning and slinking around. His eyes fall upon the HObbits. Frodo waves and Sam shakes his fist. Smeagol flinches . . . and then he snarls. . . and then he flinches and then . . .
Peregrine: Are you ready to start the match Smeagol/Gollum?
Gollum: We are readies, preciious. We is leaping and tearing out Smeagol's--
Smeagol: You wouldn't do it to preciousssssss? Not hurt preciou--
Gollum: shut up, weaklings! You is nothings withouts usssss!
Peregrine: Yeah. Well, that was fun. Now--fight!
Peregrine leaps out of the ring and . . . Gollum leaps up into mid-air and his own hands latch around his throat. He thumps back down, roll a bit, and then leaps back up, quickly switching back and forth between sides of the ring
Gollum: we rings its neck, precious--Gollum, Gollum!
Smeagol: Don't hurt us, precious! Don't lets its hurts us!
Suddenly Gollum leaps at Smeagol and Smeagol is thrown across the ring . . . but Gollum slams into the far side. And then he is thrown back across--but smeagol hits! And then back and then forth. Back. Forth. Back. Forth. Back. Forth.
Gollum: Precioooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssssssss! as he sails across the ring
Smeagol: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelps us Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaster! Dont's let it hurts uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssssssssssssss! as Smeagol is thrown across the ring
Saruman: watching the Smeagol/Gollum fly across the ring Who's who?
Gandalf: I think that's Gollu--nope, nope. Pretty sure it's Smea--no, no, maybe it is Gollum--but I'm pretty sure it's Smeagol.
Saruman: Never mind.
Gollum latches his hands around Smeagol's throat as Smeagol latches his hands around Gollum's throat. Both make awful choking noises, eyes bulging out . . .
Gollum: Die, stupids, die!
Smeagol: Helps us, master, helps us!
Frodo: Um . . . how about . . . no?
Gollum: See? I told you he was tricksty! I told you he was--
Smeagol: But master is our--cut off by gagging and choking
Gollum: Him and the fat, stupid, Ho--
A frying pan comes whizzing out of nowhere and clonks Gollum . . . or Smeagol . . . soundly on the head. And they . . . both? . . . fall to the ground. And sam leaps up into the ring to reclaim his pan and--
Peregrine: the Winner . . . I guess! she kicks Gollum/smeagol aside and lifts up Sam's hand. He looks stunned.
Sam: Again? All I did was throw my--
Peregrine: Quite, Hobbit. You won. Live with it.
Gandalf: Another . . . wierd ending. What do you think, Saruman? Saruman?
Gandalf looks around and sees Saruman asleep and drooling on the table. Gandalf kicks him, but the Wizard meerly rolls off. Gandalf rolls his eyes
Gandalf: You're hopeless.
Suddenly a not-quite-dead-yet smeagol/Gollum leaps up and attacks Sam. the Hobbit, too stunned to do more, leaps backwards--and Peregrine tackles Gollum/Smeagol to the ground. she then squashes him to a pulp and stands up
Gandalf: Um . . . are you the new winner then?
Peregrine: shrugging I don't care. sure. and then she runs off to join the Hobbits and the Elf. Sam hurries after.
Gandalf: Well there you ahve it, another . . . yeah, just another one.