Middle Earth Wrestling: Sam Versus Gollum
Kimby: All right, Avondster, take your hobbit and get out of the ring now!
(Avondster walks off with Frodo hanging from her leg and still whacking her with the umbrella)
Kimby: (clears throat) And now for our next match: IN this corner, weighing in at eighty pounds and not much of it fat, the Baron of Bywater, the Tsar of Tomatoes, the Holder of the Hoe- SAM-Wise GAMMM-GEE!
(Sam, wearing purple spandex and a dazed expression, gets pushed out onto the mat by Pippin, who has a towel wrapped around his neck and a knit cap and a T-shirt that reads OFFICIAL CRUSTY CURMUDGEONLY TRAINER.)
Pippin: (hisses) Get out there and look scary, Sam! Remember how we practiced The Look!
Sam: But who'm' I fightin', Pippin? You know I
don't like to hurt nowt, an' besides, there's no one I dislike enough to
do The Look for!
Kimby: And in this corner, weighing in at twenty-five pounds, including loincloth, the Sultan of Sneaky, The Captain of Creepy, the Bane of Baggins- GOLLLLLLUUUUUMMMMMMM!
(Gollum slinks out to the middle of the ring, waving at the crowd and trying to make flirtatious eye contact with Kimby, who is trying hard not to notice.)
Sam: Lemme at him!!!!!
Gollum gasps and skitters back as Sam tries to body slam him; Pippin cheers wildly and Gollum looks desperately at Frodo, who is now back at ringside munching on a cheesesteak with provolone and onions. (Hey, it's Philadelphia theme night in Middle Earth.)
Gollum: Master! Please! Make Fat Hobbit Stop! Him wants to hurt my precioousss wittle body!
Sam: AHHHHHHHH! (grasps Gollum in a head lock and throws him with a flying mare)
Frodo: Sorry, G. All bets were off after that finger biting thing. I'm sweet and adorable but I can only be pushed so far.
Gollum: (narrowly avoids contact with a folding chair) Sweet adorable type? Without thosseeee big blue eyes, precioussss, you're NOTHING!
Sam: (shouts) That does it, Stinker! Now you've insulted Mr. Frodo, and you've really gone too far! Pippin, gimme that frying pan!
Pippin: (grins happily) Here you go Sam!
Sam brandishes the pan, which reads GOLLUM WAS HERE on the bottom.
Sam: (sweetly) C'mere, Little Smeagol.
Gollum: Now he calls us by our real name! HELP!
Sam runs after Gollum, clocks him with the frying pan, then body slams him for good measure.
Gollum is a whimpering, flattened gray mass on the mat.
Aragorn to Arwen: That hardly seemed a fair match.
Arwen: Shut up and get me another hot dog.
Bilbo: WIN ONE FOR THE BIPPER, SAM!
Frodo: The Bipper?
Kimby sighs, gets a spatula to scoop up Gollum while Merry, Pippin and Bill the Pony carry Sam around the arena for a victory lap.