Middle-Earth Wrestling: Elrond vs Isildur!!!
It is a beautiful night here at the 'Gardens, and the crowd is simply teeming with excitement and enthusiasm for tonight's match. I think we can expect some heavyweights, as the crowd is teaming up in some interesting ways. The Men have gravitated to one side of the stadium, along with the Dwarves and not a few orcs. On the other we can see most of the Elves, a few Dunadain, and the entire Shire crowd. Emotions are running high.
"This is Gandalf, commentating with my colleague and former White Council member Saruman, who is not here at he moment. From where I am sitting, tonight looks like it will be a very interesting contest. There are some celebrities in the crowd, too. I'm pretty sure the big guy sitting in the front row, wearing the Elf-grey trenchcoat and dark glasses is the Vala Tulkas, always was a big fan of contact sports."
Saruman is nowhere in sight, but there is tell-tail rills of pipeweed smoke coming from under the table-skirting.
"Why don't you just come out and smoke your pipe in the open!" shouts Gandalf. "Everyone know that you smoke now!"
Saurman appears, and exhales smoke into Gandalf's face. "I do not! Your robes are on fire."
Sure enough, Gandalf runs hastily out of the Hall, beating the growing flames as spectators shout "Stop, drop and Roll!!" and Bob the Balrog is laughing his butt off!
Saurman picks up the mic and says in his smooth voice, "With him out of the way, I will introduce the next contestants:
"Tonight, let me first introduce your referee, Lothithil Mallordur, the Dark Elf!"
Lothithil enters the ring, waving at the crowd, many of whom have begun to gnaw upon their folding chairs in anticipation.
Saruman continues, "In the Blue corner, let me introduce the Master of Rivendell, the Edain, Elrond!"
Half of the stadium erupts in cheers, and elf-streamers and party-horns are played with great ruckus and lack of elf-decorum. Elrond walks into the ring with great dignity, wearing silk trunks and a long shiney robe with "1/2 Elf" embroidered on the back. He takes his place in the blue corner calmly
"And in the White corner, behold the Heir of Elendil, the first Ring-winner himself, Isildur, King of Gondor and Arnor!"
Cheering erupts from the other side of the stadium, and it is deafening! Men and Dwarves all shouting and beating their chests, and the orcs are veriy gurgling with static excitement. There are not a few dark looks being exchanged in the crowd tonight! Isildur leaps into the ring, wearing his gilded armour and strutting proudly. He faces Elrond and gives a mock bow. The Elves hiss at him.
Lothithil walks into the center of the ring, and gestures for the two combatants to come forward.
"Now I expect a good clean fight from you two, High Man of the West and Lord Elrond. But I can see your fans are going to start a mosh-pit if we don't get on with it. To your corners and come out wrestling!"
"There is the Bell," Saruman's voice rises easily above the hooting of the crowd, "And the battle is joined!"
Elrond stands aloof as Isildur dances anound him, making *whuffling* noises and shadowboxing.
Elrond finally leaps into the air in a Matrix-slo-mo roundhouse *whallup* and kicks Isildur to the curb. Standing over the dazed Man, he says with a disturbing half-smile, "Welcome to Rivendell, Mr Isildur!
"Even though you are my own blood by way of my brother Elros, still you are a faint-hearted Man who needs a tanning." Elrond leans the dazed Isildur against the corner pole, and begins delivering the 'drum' blows he learned from watching 'Karate Kid II' "I..." wham! "...told you..." wham! "...to throw..." wham! (the crowd is wincing, now) "...the Ring..." wham! "...into the Fire!" wham!
Isildur falls semi-conscious to the canvas. Elrond stands over him and looks down on him with distain.
"Look out folks! Here comes an unexpected ally for our fallen Man!"
Galadriel steps into the ring, dressed in flowing white. She taps Isildur and strips off the white robe, revealing a white spandex bodysuit with clusters of elf-lights racing along the seams. Huge outbursts of approval from everyone in the crowd possessing testosterone. She waves to the crowd, blows a kiss to Gimli, and says, "Stand down, Man of the West. I have something to discuss with my fellow council-member"
She lanches into a series of wheeling kicks, looking like a pinwheel spun in high wind. Elrond's head is bobbing like woodpecker's! He is down on the canvas, and Galadriel is standing on his chest.
"That's for making my Granddaughter cry!"
She waves Isildur in for the coup de grace, and the Man cleans the Edain's clock with a folding chair handed to him by some Dwarf.
Lothithil saunters to the center of the ring, looks down at Elrond who is napping peacefully, and count to three very slowly. She takes the son of Elendil by the wrist and raises his arm. "I announce Isildur winner of this match!" Isildur bows to her, waves to his fans and jumps down on the commentators table, staring down at Saruman. He says, "I read the Unfinished Tales, Sharky. I got a 'bone' to pick with you!"
"Thatisallthetimewehavetonoght...gottago!" Saruman disappears in a many-coloured flash, the Heir of Elendil hot on his tail.