Boromir vs. Faramir: Middle Earth Wrestling
Gandalf: “Welcome to the middle earth WWF! We
have a very special match here for you folks tonight. A family feud. A struggle
that has been going on for decades, and tonight they will settle their long
standing grievances. Please welcome.....*Sauruman interrupts*
Sauruman: “When am I gonna get to talk? *whines* Can’t I announce the contestants?”
Gandalf: “Oh, allright, you big whiny baby. Go ahead.” *Gandalf pokes Sauruman with his staff*
Sauruman: “Ouch! Stop it! Ahem, as I was saying, please welcome to the arena........Boromir of Gondor, first son of Denethor!”
*The crowd goes wild as Boromir walks to the arena.
He is clearly the fan favorite. Many of the ladies faint as he passes by.
He waves and blows kisses to his fans.*
Gandalf: “Wow! What an entrance. Did you see
what he is wearing tonight? Very stylish. Gondorian armor is tres chic nowadays,
eh?”
Sauruman: *sneering* “Yeah, those gauntlets are
so........what’s the word I’m looking for here........stupid! Who wears all
that junk to a wrestling match anyway? Jeez, I was expecting some skintight
outfit with tights at the very least!”
Gandalf: *glaring at Sauruman* Anyway, time to
announce his opponent.......here he comes......it’s Faramir of Gondor, second
son of Denethor!”
* Faramir walks to the arena, amidst boos and
hisses from the crowd. He stalks to the center of the wrestling ring, and
stands next to his brother with a frown on his face.*
Gandalf: “Ummmm.......guess the fans don’t like
him too much. They must be fans of the book instead of the movie. And that
outfit! Blecch! He doesn’t look good in tights. I think he stole that outfit
from Hulk Hogan! ”
Sauruman: *puzzled look on his face* “What are
you talking about? What book? What’s a moo-vee? And I think the outfit looks
great on him! Really shows off his muscles.”
Gandalf: “Never mind, you ninnyhammer! Let’s start
the match. Where’s our referee? Ah, there she is now. *Gandalf stands up
and waves wildly* “Yoo-hoo! Hi Samwisegirl!”
Sauruman: *yanks Gandalf back into his seat* “You are making a fool out of yourself! Knock it off, you’re embarrassing me!”
*Samwisegirl steps into the wrestling ring, and eyes up the two opponents.*
SWG: “Now boys, I want a good, clean fight, ok?
No dirty fighting. Think of what your mother would say if she were alive
to see this!”
* The two brothers look at each other shamefacedly as the bell rings to start the match*
* The brothers circle each other like predators
stalking their prey. Boromir is clearly the larger and stronger of the two,
but Faramir has a gracefulness that his brother lacks. Boromir goes to tackle
Faramir, but the younger man sidesteps, and Boromir goes crashing into the
ropes.*
Boromir: *taunting* “Hey, no fair! Fight like
a man, you little worm! Little whiny bookworm! You never could get any girls
could ya? Always readin’, always studying!”
* He bellows and tackles Faramir to the ground.
Faramir manages to wriggle out from under boromir’s bulk, and kicks him in
the shins.*
Faramir: “Take that, you big bully! I’m gonna
get you back for all the times you made me eat dirt when we were kids! And
anyway, Mom always liked me best!”
*Faramir climbs to the top of the ropes, and jumps
towards Boromir, intending to knock him face first into the mat. Boromir
catches his brother in mid-air, hoists him above his head, and throws him
out of the ring.*
SWG: “Hey, Faramir! If you don’t get back in here by the count of 5, you’re disqualified!”
Gandalf: “Ooooh, this doesn’t look good for Faramir,
wrestling fans. Not good at all! His brother is gonna wipe the floor with
him!”
Sauruman: “Will you shut up? I’m trying to watch this.”
*Faramir climbs back into the ring with a crossbow. His aim is true, and an arrow hits Boromir right in the chest.*
Boromir: “Oomph! Hey, wait a minute! Is that allowed? This all seems very familiar.........”
*Faramir shoots another arrow at Boromir, hitting him square in the chest again*
SWG: “HEY! Stop that! Judges, is this allowed?”
*She tries to wrestle the crossbow away from Faramir, but he just shoves
her out of the ring*
Gandalf: “I’ll allow it.”
Sauruman: “Me too. It’s more fun this way.”
Faramir: “Darn it Boromir, why won’t you stay
down? Die already, will ya? Then I can become the steward of Gondor after
Daddy kicks the bucket.” *He shoots another arrow at Boromir, as Denethor
shakes his fist from the audience*
Boromir: *with three arrows sticking out of his
chest* “Come on you wimp! I can still take ya! Put ‘em up!” *He raises his
fists in a boxing motion, but he is getting paler by the minute, and he is
swaying and stumbling all over the wrestling ring. Finally he collapses,
and SWG rushes to his side*
SWG: “Boromir, do you wish to concede?”
Boromir: “Never” *He looks at SWG, and she tenderly
strokes his cheek* “I would have followed you to the end. My brother, my
captain, my king.” *and with those parting words, Boromir dies*
SWG: “Ummmm.........I think that was the delirium
talking.” *She takes Faramir’s hand and raises it up high* “Faramir is the
undisputed winner of this match!” * Faramir smiles, and waves at a special
lady in the audience. It’s Eowyn, and she looks bored.*
*In the audience, we see Denethor sneak over to Gandalf and hand over a huge wad of cash with a look of disgust on his face.*
Gandalf: *hides cash under the table* “Well, that was a great match! Faramir wins! He has really shown his quality.”
Sauruman: “What are you talking about? That was
the worst match I’ve ever seen! There was barely any fighting, no table breaking,
no chairs smashing over people’s heads! Well, at the least the crossbow was
an interesting touch.” *evil grin* “Men are boring. I hope we see more interesting
fights from the other races. I can’t wait to see the orcs, or even some dwarf
tossing!”
Gandalf: “There’s no pleasing you, is there?”
*Hits Sauruman upside the head with his staff* “If you aren’t careful, I
may challenge you to a match!”
SWG: *pushes the two cranky wizards apart* “Well,
that’s all for tonight! Stay tuned for our next exciting match! Remember,
we still have a lot more to come before the final battle royale!”
