The Redneck's Council of Elrond

by Queen Beruthiel's Cat

Elrond: Okay, ya’ll, shut yer yaps and let’s git started. Welcome to all you folks that ain’t from around here. And welcome to all ya’ll who’s been here lotsa times. I’ve axed ya’ll here to talk about this here problem we got with Sauron and Mordor. All us folks are in danger of bein’ kilt--ain’t nobody gonna excape. We gotta stick together or Sauron is gonna kick our tails. Frodo, you got the ring? Good, bring it on over here.

Boromir: Well I’ll be dipped! It’s a present, ya’ll! Lookit here, it dang near dropped right inta our laps! Why not use this here ring? My Daddy, the Steward of Gondor, he’s been kickin’ serious orc tail for nigh onta 75 years over there on the border with Mordor, protectin' ya'll. I won’t shine you on--we’ve gotten our tails kicked a few times, we lost Minas Ithil, too, and Daddy ain’t none too happy about that. Just give us the dang ring and we’ll use it against this guy Sauron. He’s bad news, and I hear tell he’s ugly as a sack of possum heads.

Aragorn: You act like you ain’t got a lick ‘a sense. You cain’t use it--nary a single one of us can. That there Ring don’t listen to nobuddy ‘cept Sauron. It ain’t got no other master.

Boromir: And who the heck are you? Ain’t you one of them there rangers? Whadda YOU know about this here ring?

Legolas: This feller ain’t a plain ole ranger. This here’s Aragorn, Arathorn’s young’n. You best be bowin’ and scrapin, Boromir.

Boromir: Aragorn? This feller’s Isildur's kinfolk?

Legolas: And by God he’s gonna be king of Gondor one of these here days, so you best watch your a--

Aragorn: Sit yore tail down, Legolas…I sweartagod, yer embarrasin’ me.

Boromir: Gondor ain’t got no king...Gondor don’t need no daddy’s the Steward! Don’t need no dang king...Aragorn…humph..

Gandalf: Aragorn’s right. We cain’t use it.

Elrond: Then ya’ll got no other choice. The dang thing’s gotta be tore up.

Gimli: Well then, are we waitin’ for Elrond to age another thousand years? Let’s git movin. ARGH!!!!

Elrond: Boy, what’s wrong with you? This here ring cain’t be destroyed with yer daddy’s ax. Git hold of yerself. This here ring was made over there in Mount Doom. That’s the only place it can be tore up. Ya’ll gotta take it to Mordor and throw it back into that there fire pit where it came from. One of ya’ll has to do this. I’d like to hep you but I gotta git that Plymouth off the blocks and off the front porch. It’s been sittin’ there since the Second Age and Celebrian’s been on my tail about it for a hunnert years.

Boromir: Ya’ll cain’t just go walkin’ into Mordor. It’s got them there black gates, all them orcs around...and worse than orcs even. There’s some nasty stuff there ya’ll, and it’s there all the time, day or night. And there’s this big red eye thing that’s watchin’ all the time. Cain’t grow nuthin’, not even a good stand of hogweed'll grow there. It’s hotter’n a two-dollar pistol, and so dusty it’s like to choke ya’ll. Ya’ll couldn’t do this with ten thousand men. Ya’ll done lost yore minds!

Legolas: Boy, ain’t you been listenin??? We gotta destroy that there ring.

Gimli: And I guess you think yer the big man to do this? Just waltz yer fairy lookin’ tail over inta Mordor and toss that there ring in the fire?

Boromir: And if it don’t work, then what??? What happens when Sauron gits that ring back?!

Gimli: I’ll be dead ‘fore I see that ring in yore hands, fancy boy! Never trust them there elfs!

Gandalf: Hey, watch it, yer spittin’ on me! Don’t ya’ll understand? While we’re sittin’ here jawin', that dark fella Sauron is gittin stronger!

Frodo: Hey ya’ll, I’ll take it! I’ll take the ring. I’ll take the ring to Mordor. But ya’ll’re gonna have to help me cause I ain’t got any idea how to git there.

Gandalf: I’ll help you, Frodo old buddy, as long as yer totin’ it.

Aragorn: You got my pig sticker, little buddy. I’ll protect you, I swear on my momma’s grave.

Legolas: And you got my bow. Just got me a brand new BowTech, camouflaged in that new Real Tree Advantage Timber pattern so I’m all set.

Gimli: You got my ax—I done broke Daddy’s but I still got mine.

Boromir: If that’s what all you fellers want, then me and Daddy and Faramir are with ya’ll. Don’t screw it up, Frodo.

Sam: Heh! Mr. Frodo ain’t goin’ nowhere without me!

Elrond: No, I reckon we cain’t separate you two, even when he gits invited to a secret meetin’ and you don’t. I swear boy, yer the nosiest feller I ever laid eyes on.

Pippin and Merry: Hold on a dang minute! We’re coming with ya’ll!

Merry: You'd have to send us home hog tied to stop us!

Pippin: Anyway, ya’ll need smart folks on this here trip yer goin’ on.

Merry: I reckon that means we can leave your sorry tail here, Pip. You’re dumb as a box of rocks.

Elrond: Nine companions, huh? I guess that’s better’n nothin’. We can call ya’ll the Fellowship of the Ring!

Pippin: Eeeeeee doggies, where we fixin’ to go?