Gandalf the Grey, Private Eye

by arianid, elvenmaid

(Setting: A Small Warehouse. The top floor room #1, with Gandalf namestenciled on. The door creaks open and there's a revolving chair behind a desk.Whole scene in black and white.)

Gandalf's voice: It was a night, like any other night. I'd just gotten back from helping the Elves of Mirkwood choose a bride for their prince. Another story entirely. Anyway, I was relaxing, enjoying some Pipeweed and good music when the door was slammed open...

Sam: kicks door and enters. Upon hearing the "Hanson" song playing in the jukebox, his normally handsome face grimaces and he unplugs the wire

Gandalf: Turns chair around Hey, why'd you do that?

Sam: I thought you were trying to cut back.

Gandalf: I know, but Taylor sings too well! Sam looks at him

Sam: You... need... help...

Gandalf: clears throat Why are you here?

Sam: Well, this telegraph appeared at Bag End this morning. Brandishes piece of paper Frodo Baggins, stop. Yous has summin wes wants, stop. Don't tink uh goin to Mount Doom, stop. Wes knows wheres yous lives, stop. Yous don't knows whos wes is, stop. Love, Gollum and the Preciousss, stop.

Gandalf: looks thoughtful Whoever could it be?

Sam: You can't be serious.

Gandalf's voice: Then, another hobbit entered the room.

Rosie: enters Why'd you get out of bed, Samwise! You're going to scare Elanor! looks surprised to see Gandalf and then looks down at her embarrassing garb of curlers and a nightgown Whoopsees! runs out

Sam: Ahem.


Gandalf: I thought the halfling destroyed It.

Sam: Nah. He tells me, Sam, this here's a plastic replica found on Ebay. I said, what new devilry is Ebay? He says, don't mind that. I'm keepin the precious for myself. Then he throws the replica into Mt. Doom.

Gandalf: Well what're we waitin for? Assemble the troops.

Gandalf's Voice: Immediately, I had my secretary dial up the regulars. shot of Arwen in skimpy miniskirt and tube top, chewing gum with her mouth open, hair permed, painting nails The best of the best. Frodo Baggins. photo of the latter Master of Disguise. Samwise Gamgee. photo Martial arts expert. Favorite weapon, his cooking utensils. Peregrin Took. photo Count of Confusion. Meriadoc Brandybuck. photo the fool of a took's accomplice. Gimli, son of Gloin. photo excavation engineer. Boromir, son of Denethor. photo best Benedict Arnold and backstabber I know. Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Strider, well, you get the jist. photo Well, Arwen said her "honey" would be the best detective I ever seen. I said, no, that's me. Gandalf flashes smile And finally, Prince Legolas Greenleaf, son of King Thranduil. photo He says he's a con artist, but i got him cuz the chicks dig him. They set off on their journey.

Scene at Elrond Council

Frodo: I's gots a ring.

Sam: Yous gots my pan.

Peregrin: And my uh, cabbages.

Meriadoc: And my, expertise.

Gimli: And my revolvuh.

Frodo: ....

Boromir: And my knowledge. Everyone looks about to burst out laughing

Aragorn: And my vintage James Bond 007 lasuh beam eyeglasses.

Sam: Who's double o --

Aragorn: Can it, pipsqueak.

Legolas: And my fan mail.

Frodo: Lez go.

Gandalf's Voice: And so they set out. I didn't come with, the young crowd tires me. Sos I sits in my office, waitin for their return. Camera zooms out asGandalf eats Chinese food, as you hear Hanson in the background.