The 24 Days of Christmas Challenge
Day 13: Twelve Tickly Uruk-Hai
Gather round and listen to the tale of the Twelve Uruk-hai….
One day, long ago in the days when people were prone to forget the
date, there lived in a hut, in a field, by a lake, with some squirrels,
and a three-legged blind llama, twelve handsome brothers. They were the
most beautiful men in all of the land, for they were the descendants of
an Elven Queen and a plastic surgeon. Yet there was one thing these
fine men lacked, and that was proper fiscal knowledge.
The men were lazy with their money, prone to bad investments and
poor credit ratings. They were known to all the crooks, swindlers,
pickpockets and conmen for miles around as “easy money”. However there
was a ray of hope for these poor men, in the form of a personal finance
manager, who just happened to be a woman from Gondor.
Gertrude, as she was affectionately known, stumbled upon the twelve
young men one afternoon while she was sorting out the mining rights of
a local Dwarf Mineral Extraction and Processing Consortium. It was with
wide eyes and a beating portfolio that she exclamed, “Oh my, you are
the most delightful men I have ever seen! Tell me, do you use mudwort
moisturiser or is it a generical brand?”
Of course it was mudwort, for they may be dim, but they have an
impeciable exfoliating regieme. And so it was that Gertrude went back
to their hut, in a field, by a lake, with some squirrels, and a
three-legged blind llama, and set up for them a three-point financial
However, the twelve immaculate brothers had not one, but two
Achilles heels as a result of the ankle replace surgery they had been
given. One was their insatiable love for women with large briefcases,
and the other was their uncontrollable reaction to feathers. For these
twelve men were more ticklish than a gerbil in a lobster factory.
And so it was that later that same day, during a mini-conference on the
problems inherant in mulitple share-price transactions, that the twelve
brothers broke out in a fight over their love for the brilliant
Gertude. In a testosterone-filled rage, the twelve manicured brothers
tore at each other in a vain attempt to make the other less attractive.
But their rage had an unforseen consequence, as rages are wont to do.
For the rampant violence that is inherant in modern entertainment
wrought its cruel mark upon the lives of the brothers, as the
three-legged blind llama, named Bob, was mistakenly attacked during the
Now Gertrude was not just a financial advisor, she was also a
member of the Middle-Earth Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to
Disabled Llamas, MESPCDL. She had also taken a side-course in Magical
Transfigurations and Transmutations in the Modern Workplace. These made
her the wrong type of woman to make annoy, not that the other types
aren’t annoying enough of course.
Thus it was that Gertrude cursed the twelve beautiful brothers, and
turned them into three-legged blind llamas. Or that was her intention
anyway, for you see Gertude also had a terrible lisp, and during the
lengthy incantation she fluffed up a stressed s-sound syllable, turning
the brothers into Uruk-hai instead. It was later commented after a
rapid growth in Uruk-hai transifguration that this was a common
mistake, and so the spell was changed during the 132nd Annual
Conference of Wizards, Witches and Persons of a Magical Nature to bring
it into line with the current spellings.
So it was that that the twelve brothers escaped into the darkness
to hide their hideous visage, which was also immune to moisturiers and
exfoliants. But still smitten with Gertrude, they haunted her forever
after, hoping that one day she would turn them back.
Now beware, young child, for if you own a disabled llama and ever
encounter a lone female financial addvisor in the woods, listen
carefully, and if you hear the distant laughter of twelve tickly Uruk-hai, then i suggest you take your investments elsewhere.
“Where do I start? How in the world do I tell of the things that I have seen? “ Merry loved a captive audience.
“The beginning is always best, Merry,” Pippin stated matter-of-factly.
The older Hobbit looked at his cousin in annoyance.
“They were huge,” he began, “and we were frightened.”
“I was not frightened, if I remember correctly,” Pip’s voice chirped.
“They came towards us with swords drawn. One even had a crossbow. It was pointed at my head.”
“ ‘Course, yours is bigger than mine. Though I am the taller.”
Merry gave him a withering glance and continued. “The air was filled
with the buzz of bees, Beorn’s beasts. They united in their attack on
the poor Urak-hai.”
“Never did I think to hear you say ‘poor’ when it came to Urak-hai,” Pippin said angrily.
“ ‘Twas before Boromir.”
“Ah,” Pippin sighed.
“Their helms, armour, and weapons were covered in the honey they
had tried to filch. They ran, but the bees were merciless. The Urak
climbed higher up the mountain. The bees followed. The Urak tripped
into the eagle’s nest. Feathers flew everywhere.”
“Twelve tickly urak-hai ran away, howling at the top of their lungs.”
On the plains of Rohan....leagues from Parth Galen....
"Garn! I can't catch my breath! You take the little rat, Grunchnuk, it's your turn!"
"Rarrrg! No, I won't! You're one of them what wanted to grab 'em in the first place. I had my fair share..."
"Arrrrgh - stop it, you little weasel! Stop it! I'll rip your little arms off if you do that again..."
"They ain't to be harmed! He wants 'em..."
"But, this little rat is...."
"You can't take it, not even for a mile? I had to carry the horrid runt for hours yesterday... You're just a..."
"Garrrr! I'll rip your arms off if you say that again..."
"Quiet!" snapped the leader. "I've had it! Twelve tickly Uruk-hai, rarrrrr! You deserve what you get, that's what."
"Then how come you don't carry 'em?"
"Yeah, especially that one. He was ticklin' my ears!"
"Just hang 'em upside down."
"Then they goes an' tickles other things, and that's worse!"
The leader sighed. "Are we there yet....?"
News has come from reliable contacts in Isenguard, that Saruman of Many
Colours, formerly known as Saruman the White, has issued a massive
recall on his first so-called "products" - the Uruk-hai. Saruman has
been working tirelessly on the development of these creatures, although
for what purpose he wants them is not quite clear. Our contact at
Isenguard was either unable or unwilling to tell, and the Wizard
himself was unavailable for comment. As for the cause of the recall,
rumour has it that there was a fatal flaw in the defence mechanism of
the creatures. Sadly, the recall was not issued soon enough, and nearly
all the Uruk-hai the recall pertained to perished.
The reason for their untimely demise came from an unexpected source
- their weakness was discovered by a group of young Rohirric boys, who
discovered the band of Uruk-hai whilst playing "Elves and Nazgul" not
far from Isenguard. Overjoyed to find real enemies to direct their
attacks upon, the boys fell upon the Uruk-hai, and after a few
skirmishes, discovered that though fairly immune to rocks, sticks or
kicking and pummelling, the fiercesome things were ticklish - and
tickled well-nigh all of them to death.
The last we heard, the Uruk-hai who survived the vicious attack were
added to Saruman's "Museum of Strange and Weird Curiositys" at
Isenguard, in an exhibit entitled "Twelve tickly Uruk-hai". (This museum is not currently open to the public, due to extensive remodelling being done in Isenguard at present.)
Firiel of Gondor, reporting live from Rohan.
Nothing could be worse
Than twelve tickly Uruk-hai,
In tickle torture.